How to Bomb So Hard You Become Legendary

They say you haven't really done standup until you've bombed - by that logic, I'm a goddamn veteran: 1. **The Silent Treatment** - When no one laughs, whisper "This murders in Canada" and keep going. 2. **The Walk of Shame** - Exit with dignity, then immediately update your LinkedIn. 3. **The Deflection** - "I'm not bombing, you're witnessing avant-garde performance art." 4. **The Reset Button** - Stop mid-set: "Let's pretend the last 10 minutes didn't happen." 5. **Technical Difficulties** - "Is this mic broken or just my will to live?" 6. **The Strip Tease** - Start removing clothing - technically a costume change. 7. **Blame Game** - "Tough crowd... or as I call you, my future restraining order." 8. **Early Bail** - "That's my time!" (It's not, but who's counting besides everyone). 9. **The Honest Approach** - "I paid to be here tonight... and I want my money back too." 10. **Distraction Play** - "Anyone see the game last night?" (Works for any sport, any century). 11. **Reverse Psychology** - "You're right not to laugh - none of this is actually funny." 12. **Time Warp** - Check invisible watch: "Wow, is it 'awkward silence' o'clock already?" 13. **Nuclear Option** - Real tears - now they're uncomfortable too. 14. **The Comeback** - Return next week with same material - now it's "meta." 15. **The Truth** - Every comic's been there - except the ones lying about it.