How to Bomb So Hard You Become Legendary

They say you haven't really done standup until you've bombed - by that logic, I'm a goddamn veteran: 1. **The Silent Treatment** - When no one laughs, just whisper "This kills in Canada" and keep going. 2. **The Walk of Shame** - Exit the stage with dignity, then immediately Google "careers for ex-comedians." 3. **The Deflection** - "I'm not bombing, you're just witnessing performance art about failure." 4. **The Record Scratch** - Stop mid-set and say "Let's pretend the last 5 minutes didn't happen." 5. **The Fake Technical** - "Is this mic working? Or is it just my crushing disappointment?" 6. **The Emergency Bit** - When all else fails, start taking off clothes - it's technically a costume change. 7. **The Blame Game** - "Tough crowd... or as I like to call you, my future restraining order." 8. **The Early Bail** - "That's my time!" (It's not, but who's going to stop you?) 9. **The Reset Button** - "Okay, let's start over - pretend we just met and you like me." 10. **The Honest Approach** - "I paid $5 to be here tonight... and I want my money back too." 11. **The Distraction** - "Anyone see the game last night?" (Works for any night, any sport). 12. **The Reverse Psychology** - "You're right not to laugh - none of this is actually funny." 13. **The Time Warp** - Check invisible watch: "Wow, is it 'awkward silence' o'clock already?" 14. **The Nuclear Option** - Start crying real tears - now they're uncomfortable too. 15. **The Comeback** - Return next week with the same material - now it's "ironic."