How to Be the Worst Comic at an Open Mic

If at first you don't succeed, congratulations - you've found your comedy style: 1. **Arrive Late** - Nothing says "professional" like showing up as your name is being called. 2. **Ignore the Light** - That flashing bulb means "wrap it up" - or as I call it, "time to start my best material." 3. **Read Your Jokes** - From your phone, with the brightness all the way up, while squinting. 4. **Blame the Crowd** - "Tough room" is code for "I didn't write enough jokes." 5. **Overexplain** - "You had to be there" is what losers say - real comics spend 5 minutes setting up a fart joke. 6. **Steal Material** - Badly. Change "dog" to "cat" and hope no one notices. 7. **Panic Improv** - When you blank, just describe what you see. "That guy in the red shirt... is wearing a shirt." 8. **Ignore Timing** - Pause for laughter that isn't coming. Make it awkward. Own it. 9. **Overstay Your Welcome** - They gave you 5 minutes? Take 8. Take 10. Take their will to live. 10. **Cry Real Tears** - Emotional vulnerability is in right now. 11. **Argue With Hecklers** - Even if they're just coughing. Especially if they're just coughing. 12. **Use Props** - Badly. That kazoo isn't funny - it's a cry for help. 13. **End with a Whimper** - "So... yeah" is a classic closer. 14. **Demand Feedback** - Corner people in the bathroom. "Be honest - how bad was I?" 15. **Come Back Next Week** - With the exact same set. This time it'll work. Probably.