How to Be the Worst Best Man Ever

They say it's an honor to be best man - it's actually a hostage situation with open bar: 1. **Speech Writing** - Start with "Webster's dictionary defines marriage..." then immediately regret your choices. 2. **Inside Jokes** - That hilarious college story? Yeah, his grandma doesn't need to hear about the strip club. 3. **Roast Balance** - "John's the kind of guy who..." walks the line between charming and divorce-provoking. 4. **Bride Compliments** - "She's way out of his league" works better than "she's settling." 5. **Alcohol Math** - Two drinks for courage, four for disaster, six for "why is security escorting me out?" 6. **Visual Aids** - That slideshow of ex-girlfriends seemed funnier at 3AM. 7. **Crowd Work** - "Raise your hand if you've ever seen the groom cry... oh wow, just his mom?" 8. **Timing** - Your 45-minute stand-up set isn't appropriate, no matter how many laughs you're getting. 9. **The Reveal** - That "surprise" stripper from the bachelor party? Turns out she was the bride's cousin. 10. **Ending Strong** - Wrap up before people start checking their watches or the divorce lawyer arrives. 11. **Damage Control** - Have a backup speech that just says "They're great, drink up!" 12. **Mic Technique** - The feedback isn't helping your jokes, it's judging you. 13. **Family Dynamics** - That joke about the groom's parents' marriage? Turns out they're separated now. 14. **The Aftermath** - You'll be known as "that best man" at family events for decades. 15. **Silver Lining** - At least you got new material about public humiliation out of it.