How to Be the Comic Everyone Secretly Hates

You know that comic everyone groans when they see? Here's how to be them: 1. **The One-Upper** - "Oh you bombed last night? I bombed so hard they changed the club's name." 2. **The Material Thief** - "That's a great joke... would be a shame if someone 'adapted' it." 3. **The Mic Hog** - When the host says "one minute," you hear "ten more minutes." 4. **The Name Dropper** - "Dave Attell once told me... well actually I shouted at him from the audience." 5. **The Advice Giver** - "Your set would work better if..." (proceeds to describe their own act). 6. **The Heckler Magnet** - "Watch how I handle crowd work" (immediately starts a fight). 7. **The Green Room Hoover** - Those snacks aren't communal, they're your personal buffet. 8. **The Set List Spy** - Peeking at other comics' notebooks like it's the Dead Sea Scrolls. 9. **The Light Ignorer** - That flashing bulb is just a suggestion, like pants at family gatherings. 10. **The Closer Wannabe** - "Mind if I go last?" (Asked while already moving the mic stand). 11. **The Drunk Disaster** - "I'm funnier when I'm wasted" (spoiler: you're not). 12. **The Time Cheat** - "I'll just do 15 instead of 5 - what's the difference really?" 13. **The Backstage Critic** - "Your third joke would land better if..." (you were funnier). 14. **The Groupie Groper** - "Wanna hear my new material?" (whispered creepily at the bar). 15. **The No-Show** - "Had a better gig" (you were at home watching Netflix).