How to Be the Comic Everyone Loves to Hate

You know that comic who makes everyone groan when they arrive? Here's how to be them: 1. **The One-Upper** - "Oh you bombed last night? I bombed so hard they changed the club's name." 2. **The Joke Bandit** - "Great bit... would be a shame if someone 'adapted' it slightly." 3. **The Time Hog** - When the host says "one minute," you hear "time for my second encore." 4. **The Name Dropper** - "Chris Rock once told me..." (you shouted at him from an Uber). 5. **The Unsolicited Coach** - "Your act would kill if you delivered it exactly like me." 6. **The Heckler Whisperer** - "Watch me handle this crowd" (immediately starts a fistfight). 7. **The Snack Vulture** - Those green room chips? Your personal buffet now. 8. **The Material Spy** - Peeking at comics' notebooks like they're nuclear codes. 9. **The Light Ignorer** - That flashing bulb is merely a suggestion, like pants. 10. **The Slot Poacher** - "Mind if I go last?" (Already moving the mic stand). 11. **The Drunk Disaster** - "I'm funnier wasted" (you're never funny). 12. **The Clock Cheat** - "Five minutes, ten minutes - tomato, tomahto." 13. **The Booker's Nightmare** - "You should feature me" (right after bombing horribly). 14. **The Creep Factor** - "Wanna hear my new material?" (breathed into someone's neck). 15. **The No-Show Pro** - "Had a better gig" (you were home eating cereal in your underwear).