How to Be the Comic All the Other Comics Hate

You know that one comic everyone groans when they see arrive? Here's how to be them: 1. **The One-Upper** - "Oh you had a bad gig? I bombed so hard they changed the club's name." 2. **The Material Thief** - "Great joke... would be a shame if someone 'adapted' it slightly." 3. **The Mic Hog** - When the host says "one minute," you hear "time for my second encore." 4. **The Name Dropper** - "Louis CK once told me... well actually I yelled it at him from an Uber." 5. **The Unsolicited Critic** - "Your third joke would kill if you delivered it exactly like me." 6. **The Heckler Magnet** - "Watch how I handle crowd work" (immediately starts a bar fight). 7. **The Snack Bandit** - Those green room snacks aren't communal, they're your personal buffet. 8. **The Notebook Lurker** - Peeking at other comics' set lists like they're the Dead Sea Scrolls. 9. **The Light Ignorer** - That flashing bulb is merely a suggestion, like "no vaping" signs. 10. **The Slot Stealer** - "Mind if I go last?" (Already moving the mic stand while asking). 11. **The Drunk Disaster** - "I'm funnier when I'm wasted" (spoiler: you're never funny). 12. **The Time Cheat** - "Five minutes, ten minutes - what's the difference really?" 13. **The Backseat Booker** - "You should put me on your show" (said after bombing horribly). 14. **The Creepy Comic** - "Wanna hear my new material?" (whispered too close to someone's face). 15. **The Phantom** - "Had a better gig" (you were actually home eating Cheetos in your underwear).