How discomfort leads to greatness!
What could open up for you in your life if you leaned into discomfort? If you no longer recoiled or fled, but instead moved towards the very thing that scared you, what would you find on the other side?
Building up discomfort
When you start building up your capacity to tolerate discomfort, more and more possibilities will open up in life. The only way to be your authentic self is to peel off the old you that is stopping you from becoming that. You need discomfort tolerance.
Some examples of how to create discomfort tolerance:
- Do cardio outside while it's raining
- Ask directly for what you want in life
- Be assertive
- Stop eating junk food
- Speak up for yourself
- Take care of your mental health
- Act in your own healthy self-interest (no self-sacrificing)
Now, since you have been living in comfort for the most part of your life, virtually every single one of these will be uncomfortable when you first start doing them. Hell, some of them are uncomfortable for me to even after doing them for years. But I do them anyway because I know they will greatly enhance my life and help me do what I’m here to do. The discomfort is not totally gone, I’m just more powerful in the face of it. And the same will be true for you.
Choosing discomfort over comfort
Feeling discomfort is inevitable in life. No matter how safe, predictable, and small we might try to keep our lives, we can’t escape. Even if you avoid all of the items from the list above, be 'nice' to people, don't work out because it's raining, and instead sit on the couch and munch away a whole bag of Doritos, you’ll still get uncomfortable!
You will become stagnant, stuck, and bored with your life. You’ll feel the pain and discomfort of life passing you by, and living on the sidelines. You’ll also feel the discomfort of living a fearful, sedentary life–low energy, weight gain, fewer deep connections, and a lack of love in your life.
On the other hand, you can avoid these kinds of discomforts by choosing another kind. You can experience the discomfort of taking healthy risks, moving towards what you want, being authentic, and taking life on. That brings a whole new set of discomforts with it – fear, doubt, guilt, uncertainty. But unlike the first kind, these discomforts are like working out:
When you voluntarily confront discomfort, you become stronger, more resilient, and more powerful. In fact, some part of you knows it’s right to face discomfort! It can actually feel good as well as uncomfortable when you speak up for yourself or act in your own healthy self-interest. That’s the entire point. To be able to take action, and do what you want, in spite of fear or others’ feelings. This is freedom!
Many people I speak with have this as their goal: I want to feel comfortable speaking in groups, or getting closer with others, sharing myself more freely, or approaching someone I find attractive. I think these are great goals, but I always tell them that comfort is the last result. Action comes first. It usually goes something like this:
Let’s say your goal is to be more comfortable speaking in groups. First, you speak up in groups, and it’s uncomfortable. You feel nervous, and maybe a little clunky or awkward. Then, eventually after becoming more experienced with speaking in groups, when you speak up it becomes smoother, but you still feel nervous inside. Then, finally after speaking in groups multiple times a week every week, you speak up in groups and it’s smooth and you feel relaxed!
Comfort is a long way off, I’m afraid. And if comfort is a prerequisite for action, then you will never take action. The same is true for every single one of the examples I wrote regarding creating discomfort tolerance. Each one will be awkward and uncomfortable, then externally smooth but internally uncomfortable, then externally smooth and internally relaxed. There is no magic way around this process! Of course, by doing the work and changing your beliefs you can lessen the discomfort and increase your capacity to take healthy action. But instant and complete comfort from the get-go is not an option. That's why we need a strategy to face the discomfort and eventually triumph over it. Enter the Discomfort Inoculation!
Strategy: Discomfort inoculation
Since discomfort is inevitable, and moving into it by choice actually makes us more powerful and free, we might as well enjoy it. Now, I know that might sound crazy, but let’s see how that could actually become a reality.
Imagine you’re in a conversation with someone and there’s a moment of silence. At that moment, you aren’t sure what to say. It looks like they aren’t either. You start to feel awkward, with a growing sense of pressure to come up with something else to say. In other words, discomfort. Our typical response to these kinds of situations is to react with an internal: Make it stop! Make it go away! We generally perceive it as a bad thing that is somehow harmful or damaging to us. But what if you turned towards it. What if you said to yourself, “Yes! This is so awkward! Bring it on!” How on earth could you do such an insane thing? Because you know it’s actually good for you! It’s just like lifting weights or working out in any other fashion. When you’re in that moment of pushing through a challenging set or hitting a wall on the fifth mile of your run, you have two choices. You can start fighting it: Ugh! This is too hard. It’s too cold. I can’t do this. I hate this exercise. When am I going to be done?
Or...
You can lean into it. You push harder and feel the burn because you know that leaning into the edge of your capacity will make you grow! If you can lift that weight now, you’ll be able to lift more later. If you feel that burn in your chest as you run, and you keep going, then you’ll be able to run further and faster in the future. You move towards the discomfort because you know it’s making you stronger.
What if you started seeing emotional discomfort that way? What if you approached awkwardness, embarrassment, fear, challenge, conflict, and all the other things you used to be scared of in the same way? You just might find that you start to enjoy it.
I've done, and keep on doing the Discomfort inoculation strategy. I've found I actually relish the experience of discomfort.
Discomfort Inoculation is a method of eliminating your fear and embracing the emotional- and physical pain that discomfort brings by intentially doing things that brings discomfort.
These might include running when it's storming outside, speaking your mind to your boss when he disrespects you, or talking with random people at get-to-gathers. If you do these activities on purpose, you will discover that you will get better at them over time and feel confident even though they seem scary and hard in the present.
It’s a profoundly liberating experience to see the fruits of your hard labor. Reading about chasing discomfort is one thing, but actually doing it repeatedly over the course of weeks, months and years is entirely different. it's life-transforming!
What could open up for you in your life if you leaned into discomfort? If you no longer recoiled or fled, but instead moved towards the very thing that scared you, what would you find on the other side? You may have an intuitive sense or some guesses. There’s only one way to really find out for sure: