How To Train A Submissive Wife

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How To Train A Submissive Wife
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Thank you for stopping by the blog. You’ve probably gathered that most of the books have been mainly for women. Because many husbands are so blown away by the changes they see God work in their wife’s relationship with Christ, I give you this page as an answer to the many men who have written to me and asked, “What can I do?” Given that one of the ways men find my blog is by Googling, “how to make your wife submit,” I thought I’d put this page together for you.
If you are wanting to grow more as the man God created you to be, you might wow both Him and your wife by joining or starting a Stepping Up group from Family Life Ministries. Another awesome resource is Bob Lepine’s Love Like You Mean It.
One last thing for husbands before the list… know that YOU and your opinions matter deeply to your wife. And the opinion that matters most to her is what you think of HER. She is wired differently than you – she needs (often deeply needs) daily affirmation and re-affirmation of her place in your heart. We know many men are fine with the “I love you” spoken to you on your wedding day, but women simply aren’t wired like that. We wonder, daily, whether you think we are fat, pretty, smart, competent, and whether you are still in love with us. Thirty years into our marriages, we STILL want to feel special to you.
An anniversary card once a year just doesn’t communicate that.
My guess is you are here because you are hurting.
Maybe you have a stressful job, a demanding boss, financial pressure, and maybe you and your wife aren’t acting like a team. I’m so sorry to hear this.
Maybe she has been harsh and unkind to you, mean even.
Maybe you want to know what to do to get her to stop being so difficult and just be at peace with you.
What you want is simple to get, but not easy. In coaching spouses, I see the same thing over and over again – people expect the other person to change so they can be happy. Sure, she may not be doing her part in the marriage, but as long as you stay focused on that, you’re choosing to put your happiness in her hands.
She shouldn’t have that kind of power.
Power imbalances destroy relationships.
Show up differently. Focus on what YOU are doing as a husband.
I’ve seen it happen time and time again.
By the way, I say the same thing to the women who complain to me about their husband.
A smart husband will put some effort into keeping his wife feeling precious to him – think of it like building a fence around the sanctity of your marriage. 
Ephesians 5:23 says,
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Our current culture (even those within the church) describe “head” as “in charge of” but that is not the only understanding of the word. The word in the original Greek means literal “head.” It is used in reference mostly to decapitation and death. Yes, some theologians say there is a hierarchy in marriage and men are held accountable for the family (check Genesis 2:18-24 and Genesis 3), yes wives are told to submit to and respect their husbands – AND, you are called to “bring life” to your wife (as loss of the head implies loss of life) . Laying your life down for your wife, which is Biblical, means you are dying to self to serve her. Hard for anyone to do for anyone, honestly.
Leading well means serving well, loving well. Would she say that you are?
There’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus. I’ve been a know-it-all, aggressive wife. I’ve been a passive wife. I swung back and forth between the two until Jesus healed me of a bunch of garbage from childhood.
I know the men are hurting just like the women are. What I don’t want to do is make you feel condemned. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus. Yes, I know I said that twice.
We’re all just human. It’s a terminal condition.
Remember, her “submission” is a willing placing under – you just can’t force it. That Word isn’t to you, it’s to her. She has to WANT to do that for it to easily happen. She has to choose it. (for what it’s worth, she shouldn’t be reading your verses, either)
Understand this as well – she’ll more readily stand by you, submit to you, respect you, and encourage you if you are a man of integrity, honor, and serving as a leader, instead of trying to dominate or control her.
That means you think highly of her, hold her in high esteem as precious to God (because she is, just as much as you are), support her, are for her, cherish and adore her, tell her the truth in a gentle way, and encourage her passions. You don’t expect her to make her life about you. She is a person God made with unique wiring, a plan and a purpose, sent here by God, before she was your wife. Her purpose may end up being put on hold when she is raising your kids, but if you help her be who God made her to be, you will find her doing the same for you.
You can’t give lip service to these things and expect her trust.
Leadership shows up in the small moments on an average day. 
She won’t believe she’s important to you if you say she is but don’t act like it.
And here’s the thing – if you “lord” your power “over her” trying to force her into compliance – she may still do what you ask, but deep down, she’ll seethe with resentment. You aren’t responsible for her sin of hatred, but you can make it easier or harder for her to sin.
God didn’t wire human beings to control or dominate each other – but to thrive in atmospheres of mutual respect and love.
If you want your wife to struggle with hating you – demand she obey you or be controlling.
She may comply, but if she’s doing so out of fear, she may become extremely depressed, commit suicide, or if she stops being afraid, she may leave you.
How do I know these things? I’m talking to the wives.
In this day and age, most divorces are filed by women.
Think about great leaders – they were more How to Win Friends and Influence People than Do it Now! 
Real leadership is about influence, not control.
Know too, that according to 1 Peter 3:7 the effectiveness of your prayers is actually at stake: Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as the weaker partners and show them honor as fellow heirs of the grace of life. In this way nothing will hinder your prayers.
Understand that if you are not living in compassion with your wife, not loving her well, not honoring and respecting her, your prayers are not effective.
Your wife has probably already told you what speaks deeply to her heart. If you will but demonstrate love to her, removing her fears of position in your heart or security, you will both represent Christ and His church to the world.
5:28 In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 5:29 For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, 5:30 for we are members of his body. 5:31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become  one flesh.  5:32 This mystery is great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 5:33 Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
101 Things A Husband Can Do to Show Love to His Wife:
101 Ways to Get Your Wife to Submit:
(sorry for the “bait and switch” but this is the same list that actually accomplishes BOTH – because women who feel loved generally do NOT behave contemptuously.
And be sure to stick around til the end for THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.
AND… get this – if she’s being argumentative, contentious, contemptuous, and generally disrespectful, Get a Gottman Level 4 certified coach is the place you should start. BOTH genders are responsible for difficult marriages. Consider it an opportunity to speak the truth in love and learn patience.
108. Get the book – You’ll get 365 days of instead of the 101.  
And here’s a few things to STOP doing:
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February 10, 2020 by Mary 54 Comments
Find out how to be a submissive wife and what the bible really says about biblical submission. Plus, learn 5 easy ways to submit to your husband and shower him with love every day!
We argued before bed, and I tossed and turned.
Tired of his tools and clutter laying around, I aired my frustrations in no uncertain terms. I loudly spoke my truth, and there was no stopping me.
“ Why do I feel so terrible now? ” Deep down, I knew I could have shown more grace and kindness.
The next day, while browsing a list of topics to write about, I came across the term “submissive wife.” Ouch.
It’s intimidating for me to write on the topic of becoming a submissive wife, because it doesn’t come naturally.
Why? Because I can be extremely stubborn when I think I know what is best.
(Maybe you struggle with this, too?)
We love, respect, and trust our husbands. But, we also have a side that thinks we know best – and we want to do things our way.
So, what should those of us do who are submissively-challenged as wives? How can we learn to submit to our husbands?
To begin, we need to learn what true biblical submission really is.
Special Note : Most importantly, make sure your life is submitted to God first. If you want to make sure you are a child of God (a Christian, ready for heaven), read our post How to Be Saved According to the Bible. There are lots of misguided teachings surrounding this topic!
Even though I am far from a picture-perfect example of submission, this study is beneficial for me and I hope it encourages you, too.
First, does the bible say wives should submit to their husbands?
We often answer this question from the knee as it lunges forward in a Kung Fu-style reaction, kicking the male chauvinism back with a resounding NO!
But, we cannot escape the fact that the Bible clearly teaches submission to husbands in Ephesians 5.
No matter how you feel about the topic, lay aside any bias at the altar of trust in God and see what the Bible says about wives submitting to their husbands.
When taken in context (Ephesians 5:22-33), you will come away recognizing there is providential balance and mutual respect in the Biblical marriage relationship.
Let’s begin with verse 22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
And what is the original definition of the word ‘submit’ here? (I got my Greek-scholar husband to help me with this one… here’s our hilarious text volley from that day –
Ok, now that we have that out of the way… back to the Greek word ‘submit.’
ὑποτάσσω – to place yourself under, to cause to be in a submissive relationship, of submission, involving recognition of an ordered structure, of the entity to whom appropriate respect is shown.
This Greek word “submit” is actually a combination of two words, one word meaning “a position under” and another word meaning “arrange or put in place.”
So we see that true biblical submission is an active role that we choose to take on as wives, to recognize the authority God has set up and to be subject to it. It is not brought about by some chauvinistic man holding a woman under his thumb.
Instead, it takes a spiritually strong woman who realizes the importance of the God-given role of submission. And, a realization that if Jesus himself submitted to the Father’s will out of love, we, too, can submit to our husbands.
A true understanding of the final phrase “as to the Lord” can only be found in Ephesians chapters 1-5:21. The audience who received these instructions were Christians.
The male and female members of the Church in Ephesus had already submitted to the Lord and to each other (Ephesians 5:21).
They found their spiritual forgiveness and blessings in Christ (1:7), their faith and responsibility (2:8-10), God’s wisdom revealed in the Church (3:8-12), their supreme unity (4:1-6) and their Christian path paved in love (5:1-21).
It is in this context that ideally, husband and wife have both already submitted to the Lord. Let’s continue to verses 23-24:
 “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Jesus, the head of the Church, gave himself in death for the Church. Jesus was not selfish with this role, and neither can a husband be with his wife!
I love how Drs. Cloud and Townsend put it in the well-known book Boundaries:
Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave “under the law”?
So, the healthy context for biblical submission happens when both husband and wife are under the headship of Christ. God gives husbands a responsibility toward their wives, and we as wives have an equally great responsibility toward our husbands.
Peter handles this exact concept in 1 Peter 3:1-2:
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
One way to think of this is “My husband isn’t a Christian… yet .” This must be your daily prayer for him.
It’s possible to submit to a non-Christian husband, as stated in this passage. But, the caveat is that he must know you are submitting to Christ, first and foremost.
Now that we know what it really means to submit according to God’s plan, we must understand how being a submissive wife truly blesses us!
When God told you to submit to your husband, did you know He actually did so for your own good?
Here’s why submitting to your husband is a blessing:
When we control things ourselves, it may give us a temporary sense of satisfaction. But allowing my husband to lead actually takes a lot of the pressure off me in day-to-day life.
I have enough to worry about with caring for children and completing my other tasks, it is actually a relief to allow my husband to lead and not feel like I have to control every little thing!
When God gives us life instructions, it is always for our own good/benefit. According to His design, He knows that living in a state of submission to a loving husband will contribute to your highest state of happiness in marriage.
At the end of Ephesians 5, children are instructed to obey their parents in the Lord. One of the best ways for them to learn this is by observing a devoted mother who submits to her husband, and their father who submits to the heavenly Father.
Your willingness to submit to your children’s earthly father is a real-life model to your kids for how they can submit to the heavenly Father. What a joy!
Not only does a submissive wife bless the entire family unit, it makes her happier, too, knowing she is a vital part of God’s plan.
When we display a spirit of submission to our husbands in every way we can, this is sure to lead to a calmer and more contented marriage.
This, in turn, increases happiness in relationships and makes infidelity/divorce a lot less likely to occur.
When you show your husband how much you are trying to respect his role as leader of your family, chances are that he will be thrilled and shower you with his love and affection in return.
It’s the snowball effect: you start with a small act of kindness, your husband notices and does something kind for you, and the snowball continues to get bigger!
You may be thinking, “That’s great, Mary. But how do I become a submissive wife? Especially when I’m not in the habit?”
Thankfully, there are a lots of small things we can do that all add up to showing a spirit of submission.
Here are some simple ways we can all show more submission to our husbands, regardless of how easy or challenging it may seem.
Did you know that ‘helper’ is your God-given job description? This means you are divinely-appointed for the task!
Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
In what ways are you uniquely suited to help your husband?
Take a moment to brainstorm. Think about the talents you possess and how you might best use them to bless your husband:
Are you super organized? Make your living space beautiful and help your husband organize his schedule.
Are you a great cook? Use this talent to fix his favorite meals and snacks without him asking. This will make him feel loved!
Are you a people-person? Accompany him to social gatherings and host get-togethers in your home. Make a point to invite his family and work friends over.
Whatever talent you uniquely possess, there is a way for you to use it to the glory of God and the benefit of your husband. Get creative!
There are so many ways to make your husband feel important and loved. The first step here is knowing your husband’s love language (the Five Love Languages book can be very helpful here!).
Then, knowing how your husband feels best loved and appreciated, work on implementing some new things.
Greet him when we comes home from work, spend more time conversing with him, cook him nutritious meals, fix him lunch, or iron his clothes. These are just some ideas – there are tons of ways to make your husband feel important!
Doing small things for your husband throughout the week adds up and will make your husband feel like he is the most important person in your life.
And cultivating the heart of a servant toward your husband will bless you as well!
One word for mamas: When we have little people with lots of needs, it’s especially challenging to prioritize doing more for your husband. But try, whenever you are able, to put his needs above the needs of the children.
After all, in 18 years the kids will be grown, but marriage is forever.
My stubbornness makes it challenging to keep my mouth shut at times. But I’m trying to think before I speak, especially when it comes to instructing him or telling him how he can do things “better.”
This isn’t to say we can’t speak our minds honestly if we see room for improvement – it’s all about the delivery. Speaking with respect (at an opportune moment is even better!), goes a long way toward a submissive spirit.
Just taking a moment to think about all the things my husband does for us is sobering.
I think about how hard he works, often to come home and continue to work fixing things around the house. He often helps with dishes and other chores, plays with the kids, takes the time to listen and support me, and even brings me coffee in bed (!
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