How To Survive An Open Relationship
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Power of Positivity
October 31, 2017
“According to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication, people in long-distance relationships were more likely to share meaningful thoughts and feelings with their partners than those who were not.” ~ Brittany Wong, Huffington Post
Indeed, some research does show that individuals in long-distance relationships may enjoy certain advantages over those who are not. Guess there is some truth to the whole “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing!
That said, the distance between couples can produce some challenges.
In this article, we’re going to discuss 8 ways to successfully overcome the challenges of long distance relationships. We’ll also quote a few people who’ve dealt with these problems – and defeated them by using these tips!
This first one is a bit obvious but nonetheless important.
You and your partner do not have the luxury of face-to-face interaction, so it’s essential that some kind of communication schedule is established. Call, text, or – even better – video chat!
“My wife and I had to do the long distance thing twice in our relationship. When we first met she lived about an hour away in San Jose and I lived in San Francisco…We learned that you have to call and text each other during the day and share what’s going on.”
While Skype won’t replace the feeling of having your partner close, it’s probably the next best thing. Many couples who must endure the inevitable difficulties of a long-term relationship make it a priority to have regular Skype dates.
“It’s really essential that you and your partner have a schedule for when you talk … but texting is not enough to keep a relationship going. To maintain a strong relationship, you need to talk on the phone, but preferably something like Skype as often as you can.”
The long-distance thing won’t last forever, and it’s important that both individuals remind themselves of such. We’re wired for immediate gratification, especially when it comes to the person we love.
“…My partner and I met in university and had been together for about three and a half years before he had to leave (for) his Master’s degree. We were apart for about two years. We had to constantly remind ourselves that the distance was for a short while and as we really wanted to be together, we had to make it work.”
When two people are apart for an extended period of time, one or both people will reach certain milestones in life (promotion, pay raise, individual goals, etc.). Celebrating each other’s victories can bring your relationship some morale by sharing intimate moments.
“(My husband) left for the Navy, and then we started dating…Right after we became engaged, he was deployed overseas for a year. What we learned is this: Celebrate everything, even if you can’t be together in person. Life is too short not to and that’s especially true when you’re in a long-distance relationship.”
If you’re in a long-distance relationship, the chances are that you’ll be able to visit your partner on occasion. It’s easy to anticipate that every visit will be heavenly – and hopefully, it is. Nonetheless, no relationship is perfect. Problems may or may not arise – and it’s important to remember this point.
“There’s so much pressure with visits…Some trips will be full of great memories and carefree times, and (others) will be full of fighting over big or small issues and that’s okay!”
We all love when our partner gives us a well-timed compliment. Without much face time, it’s easy to “forget” what you like about your sweetheart because they’re not there to remind us. (On that note, make sure to keep plenty of pictures and reminders of the person around!)
Compliments here and there go a long way. “I love your smile.” “I miss your great laugh!” “You’re so beautiful.” “You always make my day.”
Things are never entirely okay all of the time. Many of us feel some added pressure to emphasize the sense everything is fine – particularly when we’re away from our partner.
None of us want our partner to worry. However, it’s healthy that you are both open and honest with each other despite the distance between you.
We’re not meant to allow unresolved inner conflicts to dwell; eventually, these conflicts will come to the surface – which is why it’s so important to be honest consistently.
It goes without saying that trust is the backbone of any relationship. When we’re apart from our life partner, it’s even more critical that we assure ourselves of their trustworthiness.
If possible, attempt to resolve any underlying trust issues before your partner leaves. In fact, try to fix anything that is causing a reasonable degree of uncertainty. It’s much better to address these things while your partner is still in your presence!
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Going through a rough patch in a relationship is especially challenging when you’re not sure what to do. Most importantly, make sure you’re actively communicating. When it seems like your relationship is on the rocks, it can help to simply reaffirm one another’s desire to make it work. Then you can go about developing a plan about how to reconnect with one another, not to mention enjoy one another’s company again.
Ask your partner what’s on their mind. It may sound too simple to work, but it’s the most important part of working through the rough patches in your relationship. In short, ask questions to figure out how your partner is feeling, and be ready to listen.[1]
If you’re hesitating to initiate a conversation, it’s probably worth doing so. While sometimes challenging, even hard conversations are ultimately likely to strengthen your relationship together.
The best question may be the simplest. Try asking your partner, “Hey, what’s been on your mind lately?” whenever it seems like they have something to say, or are behaving emotionally.
Think about your own answers to the questions you want to ask. You might realize that there are some specific things you want to bring up too.
Be specific and direct. It may simply feel as though distance has grown between you. However, it’s better to ask - and easier to answer more specific questions. For instance, ask something like, “We haven’t been as excited to see each other recently, and both of us are coming home later in the evening. Can we sit down and talk about how we’re both feeling?”[2]
There may be a concrete reason that’s wearing on your partner. For example, maybe they've simply been stressed about work. Feel free to talk about changes you perceive in one another's behavior. This will help prevent either of you from worrying when a bit of distance between you is coming from something temporary and unrelated to your relationship.
If you learn your partner is going through something stressful, ask them how you can best support them. Everyone's different, so they might need a hand to hold, some praise, or even just some time alone.[3]
Acknowledge your emotions honestly. Steer conversations towards identifying the issues that you can work on together. This will help strengthen your bonds to one another. There are a lot of things that can get in the way, including your emotions. If you’re feeling insecure about your relationship, for instance, admit it.[4]
For example, “Hey, I’ve noticed we don’t kiss each other anymore before leaving for work. Maybe it’s silly, but I feel frightened that we’re growing apart."
Apologize if the rough patch is your fault. If something you did led to the tension between you, it's vital that you offer your partner a sincere apology. In order to do so, make sure you explicitly express regret, acknowledge your own responsibility, and request forgiveness.[5]
Depending on what you have done, you should also likely convey your intent to change your behavior.
For instance, say something like, "I'm genuinely sorry that I haven't been around for you as much lately. It's something that I realize has contributed negatively to our relationship. I intend to be around more frequently, and to be more accessible to you when we're together. I really want to make this work."
Recognize that relationships take work. In other words, your life is not a romantic comedy. While this may seem obvious, it can be hard to accept the fact that relationships aren’t always fun, easy, and romantic. As you develop a more intimate relationship with someone, you’ll learn more and more about one another - both good and bad.[6]
It might be a good idea for both you and your partner to commit to working through the rough patch. If one or both of you frequently threatens to leave, then this can be damaging to the relationship.
Don’t storm out of the room when an issue arises. Stay and try to work things out.
Similarly, it may be tempting to try and wait out a rough patch. However, proactively working to keep communication open will be far more effective in getting through it.
State what you need and want. The silver lining of working through a rough patch is the value of experiencing something you know you don’t want moving forward. It may become clearer to you what you need and want from a relationship. If you realize your relationship lacks something that would make you happier, it’s important to bring it up.[7]
Keep in mind that people change and so do their needs and wants. This means that you and your partner will probably both have different needs and wants as time goes on.
Make sure to ask your partner about their needs and wants. This will take the guesswork out of trying to meet their needs and wants. Try saying something like, “What are some of the things that you need and want from our relationship right now?”
Be specific when you talk about your own needs and wants as well. Since specifics will often vary, your wording will reflect what it is you’re addressing. Most importantly, be direct by saying something like, “I know you care about me. That said, I’ve realized that I need more physical affection to be happy. Can we touch more often?”
Develop a plan together. Depending on how serious your relationship is, you may need to discuss one another’s values and hopes for the future. Even if you’re already deeply committed and familiar with one another’s aspirations, it’s important to keep one another in the loop regarding specific goals - both as individuals and as a couple. This is all the more important in the context of a rough patch.[8]
Ask yourselves, “What can we do to keep moving forward together?” If both of you are committed to making your relationship work, make sure you can come to an agreement on a course of action that works with both of your individual aspirations as well as your relationship with one another.
On the one hand, you may decide that you both need to spend one night a week working to keep up with professional aspirations. On the other, you may realize that you would both benefit by spending more time together, relaxing at home.
Get professional help.[9] Therapists have training and experience that can enable them to help facilitate conversations between you and your partner. If you wind up fighting or struggling to agree on anything but still want to make your relationship work, look into relationship therapists in your area.[10]
Forgive your partner. Ultimately, letting go of something your partner has done and working to rebuild your trust in them will be necessary to get through a rough patch. However, how you do so is important. Most importantly, you should acknowledge that you were hurt, but that you're making the decision to forgive them for the sake of your relationship.[11]
For instance, say something like, "What you did really hurt me. It has also hurt our relationship. However, I think our relationship is worth holding onto, and I'm making the choice to forgive you."
If your partner continues to do things that you've forgiven them for before, articulate the ramifications of doing something yet again. Say something like, "This has happened before, and it's still happening. I'm willing to forgive you this time, but if this continues to occur, I will not be able to stay in this relationship."
Know when to move on. To frame a relationship pragmatically, consider the fact that maintaining a healthy, happy relationship requires continually accepting the consequences of one another’s actions. Are you and your partner both willing to do this? It is vitally important that both of you feel cared for, supported, and respected.[12]
There are plenty of other important questions to ask yourself. For instance, are there enough positives in your relationship to make it worth working for? Do both of you feel this way? If not, it is likely time to move on.
Another key question: After stating your needs and desires explicitly, does your partner put effort into meeting them? You deserve to be with someone that will put effort into making you happy.
Establish a weekly date night. It can be hard to enjoy one another’s companionship if both of your lives are dominated by the daily grind. In order to reconnect with one another, make a point of dedicating one night each week to having fun together. Even better, try to make plans that have a romantic component to reinvigorate some playful affection between you.
Take turns deciding on an activity, but always try to choose something to do that your partner will enjoy as well. An old-fashioned dinner date may do the trick, but if you’re really trying to rekindle the romantic flame, get somewhere private with a sunset and something to share that you’ll both enjoy.
Bring to mind your early romance. Is there anything you used to enjoy together and don't do anymore? In particular, think of things you did together early on in your relationship. For instance, maybe you have a ritual of always choosing a bottle of wine together at the grocery store. Or maybe a particular date will come to mind that both of your especially enjoyed. Rekindle a bit of the excitement from when you first met by doing something that will bring you both back.
For instance, take your partner to the place you realized you were in love with them. When you're there, tell them about it.
Schedule a vacation together. Another way to reconnect with one another is scheduling an escape from your daily lives together. You don’t have to go far, but it’s worth removing yourselves from the everyday contexts in which you live.[13]
This is also a great way to facilitate important conversations, as you’ll be spending lots of time together, and will have the space to talk about anything that’s been on either of your minds.
Spice up your sex life. Even happy, healthy relationships include periods of time where the excitement that often comes with sex dwindles. This is nothing to be ashamed of or worried about - it’s something to address. Instead of waiting for a fizzling sex life to all-of-the-sudden return to how it used to be, shake things up on purpose.
Ask your partner something like, “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try sexually?” or offer any ideas that have come to mind in personal fantasies.
As another idea for date night, swing by a safe-sex or adult novelty shop after dinner.
Establish a shared time-commitment. Sometimes, relationships simply oscillate from a whirlwind of romance to a relatively tame, uneventful life together. This can feel like a rough patch, especially if one of you begins to worry that something is wrong. If you’ve talked about how you’re both feeling and you both still want to be together, take steps to spend more time together. One of the best ways to do so is by getting a pet.[14]
A dog is an especially good pet to raise together, as they are active and sociable. Not only will you have shared responsibilities, you’ll also have ample opportunities to have fun all together.
How do I get over rough patches in my relationship?
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what you're both feeling and what you'd like to change in the relationship. If your partner is going through a stressful time in their life, ask how you can best support them. Keep in mind that it can take time to improve a relationship, but if you're patient and actively communicate with each other, things can get better.
My boyfriend an I are arguing about his ex, because when he's angry he always updates his Facebook with a picture of them, but never puts pictures of us. What do I do?
He's doing this on purpose to manipulate you and make you angry, and it's working. Tell him that it's unacceptable for him to post pictures of his ex on Facebook and that you're not going to stay with him if he's going to keep treating you like this. Try to work through your problems by talking instead of making passive-aggressive Facebook posts. If he refuses to listen to you or if he continues to do this, break up with him. It's very immature.
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 8,395 times.
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How to Survive an Open Relationship - Howcast
8 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
How to Survive a Rough Patch in a Relationship - wikiHow
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