How To Spank

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How To Spank

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It’s not often that thanks to Victorian-era erotica, a 15-year-old girl experiences a sexual epiphany. But that’s exactly what happened to Katherine* during her sophomore year of high school.
When her debate team stopped at a bookstore on an out-of-town trip, a friend purchased a book of 19th century sex stories. You know what happens next: on the bus ride home, a wide-eyed Katherine pored over one tale about a man and his female servant.
This sexcapade, though, had a special twist: It involved lots of spanking .
“I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is an actual thing ! I’m not the only one who thinks this is interesting!’ ” Recalls now 40-something Katherine. She’s thought about spanking since she was young, but it wasn’t until she became aroused reading that story that she’d desired for a man to spank her in bed.
Women like Katherine aren’t alone: Lots of people are into love taps — over-the-knee or tangled up in intercourse, one item on the foreplay buffet or the main event. “For some people, a good hard smack is going to bring nerve endings to life,” says Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, sexologist and author of Touch Me There: A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots .
It’s tricky to find out how many people are into it, but you don’t have to look further than pop culture to see we’ve got spanks on the brain. Paddling makes appearances everywhere from old episodes of I Love Lucy to the 2004 flick Along Came Polly and Broadway’s hit show Spring Awakening .
Back in 1996, essayist Daphne Merkin shocked New Yorker readers with a frank article about her desire to be spanked by a man; even Justin Timberlake promised in his 2006 single SexyBack , “I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave.” ( Woah , were you talking to Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, or Jessica Biel when you said that, Justin?
The posterior is full of its own nerves, and the bum is also located near the body’s sensory hot spots — a man’s scrotum and a woman’s vulva. A kinky maneuver like spanking is a great way to send ripples through the skin and stimulate that entire area, Fulbright says.
Thomas Roche, a 39-year-old erotica writer in San Francisco, says spanking is “hot, emotionally charged and so intimate” all at once. But for him, the allure of spanking a woman is all the “bodily contact” — a submissive woman’s rear end and all the parts around it.
Spanking is appealing to everyone for different reasons. “Some people like the punishment, role-playing thing, some people just like the spanking part of it. For some people, it’s more innocent,” says Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica , who wrote passionately about her love of a good spanking on her former Village Voice sex column.
“You have to figure out what part of it you’re interested in exploring so you can explain it to the other person.”
Once you’ve figured out your fantasy, how do you ask for a spanking — or to give a spanking? Well, try renting Secretary , the 2002 movie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader, and watching it with your sweetie, suggests Bussel. If indie films aren’t your bag, she suggests you find a YouTube video or a site that contains spanking, showing it to your partner and asking what they think about trying it.
Whether you’re the spanker or the spankee, Bussel says to approach the “hey, can we try this” discussion forthrightly but without pressure. Since the subject can sometimes be off-putting, approach the act as something you and your partner just trying, she says, not something you want to do every night (even if you do).
As for how to perform the spanking, there are lots of ways to do it! First, pick a position that feels comfortable for you. For beginners, Roche suggests lying across someone’s lap on a bed so that the spankee’s head is supported. The receiver can also bend over a chair or stand against a wall if that’s more enticing. You can use hands or spank with an implement like a wooden paddle. Sex shops have lots of fun instruments — if your paddle’s covered in fur it becomes a “joke-y, funny prop” and will inject humor into the bedroom, says Bussel.
“It’s not exactly painful, depending on how it’s done,” says Roche. “But if you go too hard, too fast, too far, you can cause a lot of pain. You just want to start soft and explore!” The fleshy part of the rear end, of course, is a great place to start — the backs of the thighs can be more painful and love-tapping the genital area is an “advanced” move beginners should steer clear of, Roche warns. Other areas that you should not hit under any circumstances include the backs of the knees, the tailbone and the spine. “Use common sense,” he says — or just stick to what Roche calls the “sweet spot,” the sensitive area where the butt and upper thigh meet.
In between blows, the spanker can caress the spanked area, fondle the genitals, or gently tug the spankee’s hair — if that’s what the spankee would like. “Afterward, you should talk about it to see if you read [your partner’s] body properly,” he says. Find out if those whimpers of pain were in ecstasy or regret.
But like lots of choices on the kink sexual buffet, spanking is not embraced by everyone. You’ll find that the butt is off-limits for a lot of adults, Fulbright warns. While some people find it exciting to have that area touched, others grapple with the psychological element of letting someone access a “taboo” area, even if your partner isn’t touching anywhere near your anus.
Katherine knows this taboo all too well: Although her interest in sexual spanking dates back to her childhood, it wasn’t until age 37 that she incorporated spanking into her sex life in a way that felt healthy. Her biggest hurdle? Katherine had a physically abusive relationship as a young adult and the first time a sexual partner hit her butt was out of anger, she says. For years, Katherine wrestled with an internal conflict about asking a man to spank her in the context of sex.
Indeed, it’s not hard to see how people who were spanked as children (or physically abused in at any point in life) may cringe at spanking during sex. For lots of us, hitting is scary, angry, and unpredictable.
That’s why trusting your partner is crucial. Roche has been spanking women since he was 17 and he’s seen more than a few “emotional moments” over the years, from women for whom spanking exhumed powerful memories. Therefore, trust goes both ways. “You need to know she’s going to let you know if something is not right,” he says.
One idea? Establish a word or phrase, something other than “stop” or “no” (which people sometimes say when they mean just the opposite), that signifies all spanking must cease immediately. “Let’s do something else,” or, “I’m done with this,” are both good suggestions.
Toying with power dynamics can be as alluring as it is discomforting. When it comes to spanking and gender-roles, baggage about power can enter the bedroom on an express train. Although love taps are certainly not exclusively man-on-woman behavior, anecdotally, guys spanking gals is one of the more common manifestations. Some dudes relish lady-swatting, which makes them feel powerful or manly. Roche, for instance, says he loves the “power aspect.” But other dudes are justifiably freaked out by such a request. Men are, after all, taught never to hit women.
“Men are nervous about this, too!” Says Katherine. “Inflicting pain on a woman, even erotic pain, is a little daunting!” She thinks many a man is OK with the act of spanking his lady but he may not be OK with the part of himself that likes it — he might be wondering if there’s something angry, violent, or wrong with him.
If you sense your guy is worried, keep spanking lighthearted: play up the sexiest, most playful parts of a spanking, suggests Katherine, such as the butt being “an erogenous zone prominently displayed,” and the fact spanking entails “a lot of squirming and panting!” You or your partner can even role play or dress up in costumes (bad maid, bad student, bad what-have-you).
It’s possible that your guy may be the one who longs for a spanking. In fact, it’s a hat Bussel has worn many a time before, even with “cocky” guys who are the “opposite of what you might think” when you imagine a submissive man.
But, what’s so hot about spanking a guy? She probably isn’t physically overpowering him, says Bussel, so he is making himself vulnerable to her. Since some guys see wanting to be spanked as emasculating, she adds, this means a guy is being especially trusting.
Spanking can be great fun to introduce into the bedroom. Through lots of communication, individual couples need to figure out all the details of the delivery themselves. Safety is paramount, of course, but timing is everything. If done wrong, says Fulbright, spanking “is the kind of move that can totally kill the moment!” But once you’ve got your partner where you want them, have fun! There’s no one right way to spank someone and if it hurts too much — or too little — to be pleasurable, you’ve got to speak up!
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It doesn’t *have* to be a punishment. ;)
Back in the day, spanking might have been something your mom did to you when you were in trouble—aka when you refused to come home after playing outside with the neighbs or started throwing around cuss words because you thought you were cool. Those times were... not fun.
But as an adult, spanking can actually be a reward—and not necessarily a punishment (unless you’re into that sort of thing...wink, wink). “Erotic spanking is a form of consensual impact play that uses hands or tools to strike the butt, thighs, breasts, or other fleshy parts of the body,” says pleasure coach Tyomi Morgan .
Did we get your attention yet? Below, Morgan shares anything and everything there is to know about getting your spank on, even if you’re not sure if it’s for you quite yet.
According to Morgan, spanking releases a cocktail of “feel good chemicals” in your brain to reverse the initial feeling of pain. “Dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin and endorphins are released, transmuting the impact into a pleasurable experience,” she explains—adding that even the sound of it can be arousing for some people. Rarr.
Morgan recommends using visuals to get your point across. “You can send your partner a text with a GIF or a video of someone being spanked and ask their opinion on it. Or you can send the same content and say, ‘I’d like this. Are you open to it?’”
Visuals can help your partner understand exactly what you’re asking for without your having to elaborate, Morgan says. “Spanking is often equated with abuse, so using visuals of erotic spanking can help your partner change their mind about it and see it as an arousing experience.”
Before you get started, come up with a safe word with your partner so the two of you know when to stop the action, Morgan strongly advises. Try something easy that can be said quickly and without forgetting—like, “red” or “apple.”
Once you’ve come up with a safe word, it’s time to get spanking! First, start with your hands. “The palm of the hand is fleshier, creates a thudded impact, and generates a loud noise. Impacting with the fingers creates more of a sting and can be used to tap different regions of the butt,” says Morgan.
Also, before you go to spank, take note of how big your hand is—obvi, a bigger hand might have a heavier impact than a smaller hand. “The spanking should start out soft and intensify at the request of the receiver,” Morgan says.
“Rubbing the location of impact after a few spanks is a good way to extend the session and monitor bruising. It’s highly important to be aware of the color changes of the skin as blood rushes to the place of impact.”
There are four zones of the butt you want to impact: The top near your back, the sides by your hips, the underside of your cheeks, and the middle, squishy part. In particular, Morgan suggests spanking from the bottom because it “sends vibrations into the genitals that can bring more stimulation and lubrication.”
Who said you need a partner to enjoy a good ol’ spanking sesh? “There is most definitely a way to incorporate spanking into solo play, and it’s all about using positions that grant access to both the butt and genitals simultaneously,” Morgan says.
“Your free hand that isn’t stimulating the genitals can be used to spank your ass, and there can be a switch off. Paddles can be used to reach different parts of your cheek, and using a standing position can work well—especially when bending at the waist.”
So now that we’ve gotten to the bottom (LOL) of spanking, you may be better able to figure out if it is, or isn’t, your thing. If you’re down, give it a try, and then work your way up to using toys once you’ve graduated from using your hands.

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The technique used for an out of control child is just to grab and hold firmly, no pain.
By today’s standards I was abused as a child. But I can honestly say I only got two whooping that I did not deserve. Most the time I appreciated a good spanking because that meant we were even. I did not have to carry the guilt of having done wrong. It excused my behavior. Think about that, somehow it taught me that two wrongs make a right.
Here is the article my wife sent me: ( In brief it is about different states taking different actions in schools and homes. It seems a little odd that we legislate how to treat our children. It seems very odd that a teenage girl can be legally spanked by a grown man )
Abuse is the misuse of something. That is all. We make mistakes and misuse our car every time we drive. If we are obese we probably abuse food. If we take a drug instead of exercising for the same ailment we abuse drugs. My youngest constantly is abusing his toys. That does not mean I abuse him in exchange. A very tiny portion of abuse is criminal.
So understand that spanking a child is not abuse by itself. But we can abuse the technique of spanking.
Love and Anger are the right and wrong reasons to spank
If a child's life is filled with love, where is the room for anything less.
A spanking of a child by an adult who is angry is abuse. It does not matter how hard the spanking is. For spanking to be effective it need not contain pain. What is effective about spanking is the exercising of control and dominance by an adult over a child. It is the art of, in a physical sense, demonstrating complete mastery over the child. Physical restraint must be applied, putting the child in a completely dependent state. It may sound strange that one would hold/hug tightly while punishing. The concept of putting a child over your knee to spank is wonderful. Use both knees. Use only your hand. Never on bare skin. You see in this way you also are restraining yourself, not possible for a mighty swing. So let me explain.
For infants and toddlers spanking is never appropriate. Any spanking of a child before they form abstract abilities to communicate is abuse. Corporal punishment can only be justified when there is clear understanding as to why it is occurring. A child’s greatest friend in early formative years is security. They need to know that a parent has their back and will always be there in complete control (little do they know ;-). That is why full control of the child at the time of administration of the punishment is so important. Corporal punishment is only positively effective when it is done as an establishment of power and hierarchy. If the punishment is done to inflict pain as the goal, somebody needs to see a shrink and it is not the child.
We do not whip or torture criminals. Most of us can even control a dog without violence and the infliction of pain. But we do restrain them and exercise control over them in an effort to bring their behavior into societal acceptable norms.
Never before 3 years of age. Never after puberty. Never in anger. Never for the purpose of inflicting pain. Never with out a clear warning. Never as an example. Never with an instrument.
It is this writers experience that two times in the life of a child is enough. Simply putting them over your knees will suffice after that.
As an end note about my own abuse it was horrendous. In one year in grade school I got over fifty swats at the hand of a principal. I was the crowned Swat King. I learned hate, defiance, violence and pride in violating rules and taking the punishment. By fifth grade I was officially a bad boy, and believe me that is a hard rap to break out of. Physical violent punishment of a child is bad stuff. We cannot process rightfully. We do not yet have the tools to put violence in proper perspective. So we might end up doing it wrong, like I did. We should be able to see clearly that while we do not blame society for the mental illness of a person we must take responsibility when it is a result of child “abuse”.
Eric Dierker (author) from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on September 10, 2015:
Sorry to hear that Jan. Sounds like it may be time for some outside help.
I now spank my son 9 years old with a wooden hairbrush on the bare bottom and over the knee he is misbehaving very badly so i spank him hard
Eric Dierker (author) from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on August 25, 2015:
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