How To Ruin Your Orgasm
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If you’re into male chastity, odds are, you’ve heard the words “ruined orgasm” before. Perhaps it was as the mysterious title of an intriguingly hot new porn video on your favorite site. Or maybe it was mentioned by a veteran chastity practitioner on a forum dedicated to sharing stories.
A ruined orgasm is a male orgasm in which all stimulation is stopped just as ejaculation begins. This of course means no stroking of or touching the penis. It can also include ceasing stimulation of the prostate, testicles, nipples or any other erogenous zones.
While edging involves stopping stimulation just before ejaculation, a ruined orgasm pushes it just that little bit further, not stopping until he actually begins to release. The result is that that semen dribbles down the penis, “leaking” out rather than “spurting”.
What makes a ruined orgasm so unique? The man will release semen but will not experience any of the pleasurable sensations associated with a traditional or “full” orgasm. Despite having orgasmed, he will find himself still horny and frustrated – and, in many cases, still hard.
When a man’s orgasm is ruined, fluid (semen) is released from his prostate gland as usual, but he does not experience the muscle contractions that cause the semen to “spurt” during a full orgasm.
As a result, his brain does not release any of the hormones associated with the post-orgasmic “afterglow,” such as prolactin and oxytocin. Dopamine levels remain elevated throughout his body. Instead of feeling sluggish and relaxed, he remains aroused and frustrated.
(For a more in-depth look at how chastity affects the dopamine and prolactin levels in the male body, check out our comprehensive male chastity guide here.)
For him, a ruined orgasm can be an extremely frustrating experience, especially if he has been caged for a long period of time and waiting desperately for release.
Some men enjoy ruined orgasms, feeling that they intensify the teasing and denial elements of an enforced chastity relationships. Others dislike them, and would do anything in their power to earn a full orgasm rather than a ruined one.
Keyholders, take some time to learn how your caged man feels about being ruined to find the best way to work them into your chastity dynamic. Are they a reward? A punishment? A bit of both? Something to surprise him with so he doesn’t become complacent always getting to orgasm when you promise him he will?
Experiment and find out what works for you!
By this point, keyholders might be thinking – okay, this ruined orgasm thing sounds difficult. I have to pay extra attention to his cock to make sure I (or he) stops touching at just the right moment. It might even take several rounds of practice to get it just right. But what do I get out of it?
Ruining a man’s orgasm produces a number of benefits for his keyholder. He stays horny, meaning sexual play can extend longer. You can keep teasing him, or he can take a break and please you – whichever you prefer!
He might still be hard – ready to give you an intense post-ruination penetration. Some men even report that having several ruined orgasms over a period of time shortens their refractory period, eliminating that tedious break between sexy sessions.
And if you’re feeling kind and decide to give him another chance, he can still experience a full release even after being ruined – yes, ruining is the number one way to achieve that beautiful moment once thought to be merely legend, the multiple male orgasm!
Sure, ruined orgasms are often associated with male chastity. But that doesn’t mean that every couple who practices enforced chastity has to utilize them. There are plenty of great and unique ways to make a man release.
If ruining isn’t your thing, try nipple/testicle stimulation or a prostate massage (also called “milking”). Prostate milking has also been known to produce a similar orgasm to the ruined one - “dribbling” or “leaking” release of semen rather than the traditional “spurt,”. Check out our chastity play ideas for lots of other ways to have fun with his orgasm!
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What Is A Ruined Orgasm? Why Some People Love Them + How To Try
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Morgan Mandriota is a freelance writer based in New York. Her articles on sex, relationships, health, and travel have been published at Cosmopolitan, SHAPE, Tinder, SheKnows, BuzzFeed, and elsewhere. She has a degree in English with minors in Psychology and Speech Communications from St. Joseph's College.
Clinical Sexologist & Psychotherapist
Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, is a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist with 12 years of clinical experience. She is a licensed counselor in California, Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana. She is also a certified sex therapist, certified addiction professional, and president of the Therapy Department, a private practice in Orange County that provides counseling services throughout the United States.
Some folks dream of being able to someday have an orgasm, while others get off from having their partner spoil their big O. Yep, you read that right—ruined orgasms are totally a thing that some people enjoy. If you're curious, here's what you should know about ruined orgasms before attempting to wreck your or someone else's next climax.
"A ruined orgasm is typically a type of control play found in the BDSM community whereby the dominant person gets the submissive person highly aroused and then leaves them hanging to experience a very low-quality, low- to no-sensation type of orgasm, if any at all," explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. So rather than feeling a 10/10 euphoric explosion of pleasure, the sub would feel a not-so-satisfying 2/10 instead. Yay.
Ruined orgasms can happen by accident, too. In fact, you might've actually had one in the past! "Many of us have experienced them; most of us just don't eroticize the experience," says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. For example, she says one can occur if someone walks in on you masturbating or you get distracted right as you're about to finish. (I can vouch that that's happened to me before with a phone call from my mom, and it sucked.)
Melancon also notes that this practice is far more common in the world of female domination with male subs (which is why male-gendered language and penis talk may be used moving forward!), but people of any gender can enjoy it and should totally try it out if it sounds appealing.
Does a ruined orgasm hurt or feel good for the person having it? Does it even feel like anything at all? Well, it can make the recipient feel...a few different things. Physically, it's kinda like blue balls. "It can feel like a very subtle orgasm without the release, intensity, or climatic feeling typically experienced by orgasm," says Skyler. Melancon adds that "sometimes ruined orgasms can feel a bit painful or uncomfortable to feel the contractions of an orgasm without the pleasure."
Emotionally, it can feel very frustrating, disappointing, and unsatisfying. "If the stimulation continues to a point where ejaculation is inevitable, his partner can still distract or humiliate him to ruin the sensation of orgasm," says Melancon. "In addition, the feeling of humiliation may accompany the experience regardless, especially if the 'ruined' partner twitches, spasms, moans, and groans at the sensation. It can feel embarrassing, as if they have no control over their own body."
Ironically, though, despite how sad ruined orgasms may sound like they feel, they can be pretty pleasurable if someone's super into them. "Some men have a fetish for this and want their partner to ruin their orgasm," says Melancon. "These guys often enjoy the tease-and-denial aspect and/or want to be 'forced' to do something to 'earn' a good orgasm."
How to give or have a ruined orgasm:
Friendly reminder: Never assume it's OK to engage in a sexual activity without receiving enthusiastic consent from all parties. It's especially important to protect both people during BDSM with clear communication, boundaries, and consent conversations. "Make sure both partners agree to this type of sex play," says Skyler...then, proceed!
Safewords or safe signals are important for communication and safety, explains Melancon. So before playing, remember to pick a unique word or action that either of you can express to stop the experience at any given time—no questions asked.
"There aren't many true risks here, but if he's uncomfortable and wants to stop, he should be free to express himself, and it's a good idea to discuss how beforehand," she says. "Likewise, his partner should feel free to stop teasing him if she isn't feeling into it herself."
Don't know what to choose? "Watermelon." You're welcome.
Skyler reminds those interested in attempting ruined orgasms to read up on dom/sub power dynamics before starting this type of play. Learning the how-to's from reliable sources on YouTube or well-known industry professionals can help ensure you have a safer, more educated, and pleasurable experience.
Ruined orgasms have to do with the amazing buildup and disappointing letdown of that otherwise long-awaited, exciting moment. That's where the art of teasing comes in! "Slowly tease and build up the sexual tension inside his body. [You] may start and stop just as he's really getting into it, then, after a pause, start back up again," Melancon suggests.
5. Stop all stimulation prior to climax.
Melancon reminds us that a ruined orgasm is when all stimulation is stopped just prior to orgasm. So right as he's about to orgasm, simply stop all movement and stimulation. "If you've timed it right and he's on the path of no return, his body may begin to convulse and he will moan with discomfort instead of pleasure," she says. Hint: If that happens, you're doing it right!
There's a pretty clear difference between ruined orgasms and edging, which involves getting right up to the point where you're about to orgasm, stopping temporarily, and then building back up again. One results in maximum pleasure, whereas the other results in minimal pleasure. (Can you guess which is which?)
"While edging is very pleasurable and results in a longer window of arousal followed typically by an intense orgasm. A ruined orgasm is like the arousal petering out without climax after getting highly aroused," Skyler explains.
"Tease and deny is a related kink and is exactly what it sounds like—one partner teases the other until they're very aroused but stops before the point of orgasm," adds Melancon. What's the difference? Stimulation stops sooner and isn't meant to ruin the orgasm, she says, but just amp up the teasing aspect.
Ruined orgasms may not sound physically pleasurable, so what's the appeal for each party? Turns out there are many reasons people might enjoy ruined orgasms.
For one, it's a fetish (predominantly among men). But while it's more common for men to desire a ruined orgasm, Melancon says some women find it fun. "It really turns the dominant heterosexual script on its head, where his orgasm is no longer the most important or defining moment of sex."
However, a lot of the excitement boils down to having or lacking control. "Partners may enjoy the power play and being able to choose where, when, how, and, most importantly, IF [they] get [their] pleasure," says Melancon. Skyler adds that the power play appeal lies around the "short-term withholding and/or denial of physical pleasure for the larger, mental erotic charge. Many people playing in this arena enjoy giving up the physical sensations of more vanilla-known pleasure in order to experience a more mental [excitement] around power exchange."
Last but not least on the list of perks, ruined orgasms can even help people with penises last longer during sex. According to Melancon, "if he's allowed to ejaculate but without the pleasurable release of orgasm, he may remain sexually aroused and thus able to engage in more sexual activities."
So whether you're potentially into the power play, pain, or twisted pleasure of it all, try having your next orgasm ruined. Who knows? You might be way more into it than you expect.
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Morgan Mandriota is a freelance writer based in New York. Her articles on sex, relationships, health, and travel have been published at Cosmopolitan, SHAPE, Tinder, SheKnows, BuzzFeed,...
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