How To Orgasm For Women

How To Orgasm For Women
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Gabrielle Kassel
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York-based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer.

Korin Miller
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.

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Look, we all wanna know how to have an orgasm that blows our freakin’ minds, every time. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.
Research shows that only about half of women consistently have a happy ending during partnered play and 9 percent have never-ever orgasmed during intercourse. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is significantlyyyyy higher for women in same-sex relationships.)
Not to worry. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.
Let’s start with a definition, shall we? An orgasm is "a feeling of intense pleasure that happens during sexual activity,” according to the National Health Services .
But Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop says the definition is even broader than that! After all, orgasms can happen *outside of* sexual activity (looking at you, coregasms ). Orgasms, she says, are simply an involuntary release of tension.
“For vagina-owners, orgasm typically feels like a period of tension where your heart beats faster, breath hitches, and muscles tighten followed by a release of that tension,” she explains. “Often, people will even have what feels like a rhythmic pulsing in and around their genitals.”
While orgasms vary in intensity, Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of Early to Bed , says that “for the most part, you’ll know when you've had an orgasm.”
“Stimulating different parts of the body can result in orgasms that feel different from one another,” Deysach explains. Each is named for the body-part that needs to be stimulated in order for them to occur, including:
Important: The goal in differentiating the many types of orgasms *isn’t* to create an orgasm hierarchy (lol). The goal, Deysach says, is to encourage people to experiment with their bodies to discover what feels best for them. Noted!
“If you can get off from nipple stimulation alone, that’s great,” she says. “If you need vaginal, clitoral, and anal stimulation all at once to have an orgasm, that’s awesome too.” Every human body is unique and will respond differently to sensation. “So keep an open mind, find what you like, and go with it,” she says. “After all, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." True that.
Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.
In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.
Known as the "love hormone," oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in the journal Hormones and Behavior . The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.
Since you probably don't have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand (lol), try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O will surprise you.
According to Kerner having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:
The best way to get these ingredients? “Gradual[ly] building up arousal rather than a race to orgasm,” he says. In other words, slow down. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.
Jennifer Wider , MD, suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. “That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [vagina-havers],” she says. Try rider-on-top , which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry , with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris.
Another option: Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.
Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. “Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:
Ultimately, though, the type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring whole of “oh baby!” to your backside. While vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.
If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation— that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says.
FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health , some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels ouchy but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.
No matter what sexual acts you enjoy, lube is a pretty handy tool to have in the bedroom. It reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to “safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,” O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also “leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,” she says.
For anal play, so long as you’re not using a silicone-based toy, Deysach recommends a silicone-based lube, which is thicker than water-based ones. For all other acts though, a water-based lube is perf.
Oh, and don’t snooze on lubes’ utility for nipple play. A little dab of lube on your finger can be the difference between hand-on-nipple stimulating feeling irritating and feeling ah-mazing.
Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasizing on your own or with your partner. “Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,” he says. And, for the record, “it's okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you're having sex with,” Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself.)
“The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,” O’Reilly says. “This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.” Before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first, K?
Sure, you shower to get clean, but take a minute or so to embrace your body when you’re in there. “It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,” O’Reilly says. “Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.” This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.
“If you’ve struggled with achieving orgasm, you may find yourself in a cycle of being anxious about having an orgasm, which makes having an orgasm even more difficult,” says Deysach. Sighhh. So while it may sound counterintuitive, taking orgasm off the table (er, bed) altogether “can give your brain a rest and allow your body the opportunity to enjoy the sensation without the pressure of feeling like you need to ‘achieve’ orgasm,” she says.
Worth a try, right? As she says, “You never know, maybe not thinking about orgasm will make it easier for you to find your way.”
On a similar note, “sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good ‘refresh,’” Kerner says, noting that people sometimes “report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.” If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

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No one actually needs to rally for the wonders of an orgasm (opens in new tab) when there's enough research—as psychologist and sex therapist Mary Jo Rapini (opens in new tab) explains—that the tremor-inducing release of serotonin and endorphins can boost the immune system and decrease stress and anxiety.
But when there's still a wide "pleasure gap" (opens in new tab) to bridge today—the term describing the slim number of women who experience orgasms during sex in relation to men—the main question is how .
Below, we consulted advice from across the scientific spectrum, from medical studies to sexperts to sex therapists, on ways to enhance the female orgasm and feel connected to your partner without giving up your primal right to come.
A study in the journal Hormones and Behavior (opens in new tab) shows that an increases in the "love drug" oxytocin helped couples have more intense orgasms. It doesn't require any supplements for a big boost in the hormone, though, as your average cuddling, hugging, kissing, and bonding activities can do the trick. Make sure to carve out more bonding time with each other or extend your foreplay sessions before sex to enhance your sexual performance.
Instead of speeding toward the finish line, science says (opens in new tab) that building your way up to the brink of an orgasm then stopping—otherwise known as edging—and building yourself back up to the point of climax can encourage better, stronger orgasms.
Sign up for a 5K race or schedule a game of tennis. Merely anticipating a competition triggers a 24 percent boost in testosterone for women, according to a study published (opens in new tab) in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. And any increase in that hormone also drives up your libido, so consider it a win-win. Plus, exercise stimulates blood flow (opens in new tab) to the genital area, increasing desire and lifting your mood.
Prior to sex, take a hot bath, or—if you're short on time—place a warm washcloth over your vulva for a few minutes. Heat boosts blood flow to your vagina, leading to increased lubrication and sensitivity, says Hilda Hutcherson (opens in new tab) , author of Pleasure.
As tantric instructor Dawn Cartright explains (opens in new tab) , harnessing the power of breath can slow down your mind and make it hyper-sensitive to full-body sensations. Open yourself up to orgasmic joys by breathing and rocking together, then tightening your PC muscles before sex.
Let an ancient sex stimulant work its magic: Warm some milk, add a pinch of saffron, and drink up, says Aliza Baron Cohen (opens in new tab) , author of Sex: Rediscovering Desire Through Techniques & Therapies. Saffron, which releases its intense flavor when heated, has been considered an aphrodisiac for thousands of years. Or, take one of Amanda Chantal Bacon's cult-favorite Sex Dust formulas (opens in new tab) for a spin.
Women who use vibrators (opens in new tab) say they have an easier time reaching orgasm during (vibrator-free) sex with a partner, according to a survey of 1,656 women conducted by the Berman Women's Wellness Center (opens in new tab) . If you're tech-friendly, try a vibrating "bullet" attachment that's discreet enough (opens in new tab) to fit in your pocket (or on your neck). Or, get him in the action with one of the many couples' vibrators out there, from the We-Vibe (opens in new tab) to the Eva (opens in new tab) .
During the first two days of your cycle, your testosterone levels surge, your libido soars, and your breasts and clitoris become ultra-sensitive, says Gabrielle Lichterman (opens in new tab) , author of 28 Days: What Your Cycle Reveals about Your Love Life, Moods, and Potential (opens in new tab) . Intense orgasms may happen more easily than usual—and multiples are much more likely. Experts also suggest (opens in new tab) timing sex in the early morning when men experience their highest testosterone levels, or in the afternoon on weekends when women tend to ovulate.
"For stellar sex in a hurry, pull on a skirt and find a deserted staircase."
For stellar sex in a hurry (opens in new tab) , pull on a skirt and find a deserted staircase, suggests Sex for Busy People and The Field Guide to F*cking author Emily Dubberley (opens in new tab) . If you're shorter than your guy, stand a step or two above him. Face him or turn toward the railing so he can enter you from behind. (Hint: Grip the rail for leverage—and don't lean over too far!)
Majorly elevate your odds of climaxing during sex with the Coital Alignment Technique (opens in new tab) , says Dubberley. Have your partner lie on top of you, with his pelvis directly over yours. Wrap your legs around his thighs and rock together gently. Push up and forward so that your clitoris makes contact with the base of his penis. Patience is key: Find your rhythm and stick to it until you orgasm.
Touch yourself for pleasure for 15-30 minutes without focusing on whether or not you have an orgasm, suggests Dr. Jessica O’Reilly (opens in new tab) , PhD, sexologist and relationship expert at We-Vibe (opens in new tab) .
"Explore your every square inch of your body with your hands, lube, massage oil, vibrating toys and/or objects of various textures and temperatures," O'Reilly says. "As you get in touch with your body’s unique responses to touch, you may find that your ability to stay present during sex increases, as you’re less hung up on the performance; as you abandon orgasm as a goal, you’ll likely find that pleasure increases and the likelihood of enjoying an orgasm (as an experience —not a performance) increases."
Another pro tip from Dr. O'Reilly: Be a little (or a lot) more selfish.
"Oftentimes, we’re unable to genuinely enjoy a sexual experience because we’re so focused on the desire to give pleasure," she says. "We worry about what our partners are thinking, feeling and seeing. We pay attention from the outside as a spectator instead of enjoying the process as a participant. This intensifies performance pressure and is the antithesis to pleasure, so ask for what you want in and out of the bedroom."
Here are a few of Dr. O'Reilly's specific tips for demanding more in bed:
It might sound counterintuitive, but according to Dr. Jill McDevitt (opens in new tab) , you should stop trying to orgasm if you want to have better orgasms.
"This is an old trick used by sex therapists and coaches (like me) when a client is having a hard time having an orgasm, but it can also work with amplifying an orgasm," she says. "It's not uncommon for people to fall into a trap of becoming very goal oriented with sexual activity, whether with themselves or a partner. They get so narrowly focused on the orgasm that it can lose its ooomph, and in some cases, not happen at all. So focusing on the process is important—staying hyper aware of arousal, notice every touch, every kiss, every movement. When you do have an orgasm, it can be so much better!"
Nothing says "amazing orgasms" like a strong pelvic floor. Dr. McDevitt says adding kegels to your list of regular exercises can have a big impact on your orgasm game.
"A quick kegel squeeze here and there won't make any noticeable changes, but consistent,
regular, ongoing pelvic floor exercise certainly can. If that sounds like a lot of work, I recommend the Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Dual Wand by Cal Exotics (opens in new tab) ," she says. "It's a silicone vibrator featuring a g-spot and clitoral stimulator, but it also has e-stim pads that gently contract and release those muscles for you automatically, so you can get the workout in effortlessly, while masturbating."
Bachelor alum Ashley Iaconetti (opens in new tab) , who was a virgin during her time on the show, has partnered with K-Y on its new #RPF (opens in new tab) campaign (short for "Resting Pleasured Face"). She says that one of the biggest lessons she's learned when it comes to sex is that you shouldn't be afraid to ask for what you need, especially when it comes to foreplay.
"Women often don’t get revved up as quickly as men do and guys may not realize that we sometimes need a few more minutes to get warmed up so sex can be the most enjoyable," she says. "Try having him slowly and softly touch you everywhere except the hot spots for a couple of minutes before all the clothes come off."
Dr. Holly Richmond (opens in new tab) , Somatic Psychologist and certified sex therapist, recommends getting tantric—at least in the most basic sense.
"Tantra translates from Sanskrit to /the weave,' and part of the sexy—and mindful—practice begins with eye gazing," she says. "Sit across from your partner in a comfortable position, directly facing them. Gaze deeply into each others’ eyes for 30 seconds to one minute, specially focusing left eye to left eye to prevent your eyes from darting back and forth, and throwing you off your O game. Empathy is communicated through eye contact, and feeling a profound sense of depth, caring and understanding from your partner often takes orgasms to next level. My clients say that when they do eye gaz
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