How To Orgasim If You Are A Girl

How To Orgasim If You Are A Girl
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Look, we all wanna know how to have an orgasm that blows our freakin’ minds, every time. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.
Research shows that only about half of women consistently have a happy ending during partnered play and 9 percent have never-ever orgasmed during intercourse. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is significantlyyyyy higher for women in same-sex relationships.)
Not to worry. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.
Let’s start with a definition, shall we? An orgasm is "a feeling of intense pleasure that happens during sexual activity,” according to the National Health Services .
But Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop says the definition is even broader than that! After all, orgasms can happen *outside of* sexual activity (looking at you, coregasms ). Orgasms, she says, are simply an involuntary release of tension.
“For vagina-owners, orgasm typically feels like a period of tension where your heart beats faster, breath hitches, and muscles tighten followed by a release of that tension,” she explains. “Often, people will even have what feels like a rhythmic pulsing in and around their genitals.”
While orgasms vary in intensity, Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of Early to Bed , says that “for the most part, you’ll know when you've had an orgasm.”
“Stimulating different parts of the body can result in orgasms that feel different from one another,” Deysach explains. Each is named for the body-part that needs to be stimulated in order for them to occur, including:
Important: The goal in differentiating the many types of orgasms *isn’t* to create an orgasm hierarchy (lol). The goal, Deysach says, is to encourage people to experiment with their bodies to discover what feels best for them. Noted!
“If you can get off from nipple stimulation alone, that’s great,” she says. “If you need vaginal, clitoral, and anal stimulation all at once to have an orgasm, that’s awesome too.” Every human body is unique and will respond differently to sensation. “So keep an open mind, find what you like, and go with it,” she says. “After all, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." True that.
Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.
In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.
Known as the "love hormone," oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in the journal Hormones and Behavior . The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.
Since you probably don't have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand (lol), try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O will surprise you.
According to Kerner having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:
The best way to get these ingredients? “Gradual[ly] building up arousal rather than a race to orgasm,” he says. In other words, slow down. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.
Jennifer Wider , MD, suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. “That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [vagina-havers],” she says. Try rider-on-top , which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry , with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris.
Another option: Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.
Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. “Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:
Ultimately, though, the type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring whole of “oh baby!” to your backside. While vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.
If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation— that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says.
FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health , some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels ouchy but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.
No matter what sexual acts you enjoy, lube is a pretty handy tool to have in the bedroom. It reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to “safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,” O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also “leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,” she says.
For anal play, so long as you’re not using a silicone-based toy, Deysach recommends a silicone-based lube, which is thicker than water-based ones. For all other acts though, a water-based lube is perf.
Oh, and don’t snooze on lubes’ utility for nipple play. A little dab of lube on your finger can be the difference between hand-on-nipple stimulating feeling irritating and feeling ah-mazing.
Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasizing on your own or with your partner. “Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,” he says. And, for the record, “it's okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you're having sex with,” Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself.)
“The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,” O’Reilly says. “This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.” Before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first, K?
Sure, you shower to get clean, but take a minute or so to embrace your body when you’re in there. “It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,” O’Reilly says. “Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.” This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.
“If you’ve struggled with achieving orgasm, you may find yourself in a cycle of being anxious about having an orgasm, which makes having an orgasm even more difficult,” says Deysach. Sighhh. So while it may sound counterintuitive, taking orgasm off the table (er, bed) altogether “can give your brain a rest and allow your body the opportunity to enjoy the sensation without the pressure of feeling like you need to ‘achieve’ orgasm,” she says.
Worth a try, right? As she says, “You never know, maybe not thinking about orgasm will make it easier for you to find your way.”
On a similar note, “sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good ‘refresh,’” Kerner says, noting that people sometimes “report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.” If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

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Try these moves to bring them over the edge.
"DID YOU FINISH?" Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you have to ask your partner if they had an orgasm, odds are they did not. This is especially true if, like the average man, you took between 5 and 7 seven minutes to finish. According to 2019 research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine , it takes the average vulva-owner around double that time—13.41 minutes—to orgasm during P-in-V intercourse. It's also worth pointing out that the vast majority of people with a vulva can't cum from penetration alone; they need external clitoral stimulation.
All of this contributes to what’s commonly known as the “ orgasm gap ”: the proven fact that straight, cisgender men orgasm during sex significantly more often than their partners do. A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that straight, cisgender men orgasm 95% of the time, whereas straight, cisgender women only orgasm 65% of the time. And the disparity has nothing to do with vulva-owners’ anatomy—that same study found that cisgender lesbians orgasm 86% of the time during sex, and additional research shows that vulva-owners have no problem reaching orgasm during masturbation.
Now that you know this, you're probably wondering: how can I make sure my partner orgasms during sex? Fortunately, stepping up your game isn’t going to require any acrobatic moves. Communicating with your partner, making sure they feel safe and comfortable, and learning what they like can make a big difference in their sexual pleasure.
Of course, everyone is different. That said, there are a few ways you can tune into your partner’s pleasure—so if your partner is having trouble getting to the finish line, try these tips from vulva-owners and sexual health experts.
“Try to remember the goal of sex is pleasure, and orgasm is one kind of pleasure that is significantly shorter than all the rest of it,” says Shadeen Francis , LMFT. That’s why Francis recommends slowing down. Take your time with your movements, and don’t focus on the end game. There is a slight irony to it—the more your partner thinks about orgasming, the less likely they will be to orgasm. So take the pressure off of your partner and focus on making them feel as good as possible for as long as possible. ( We refer to this slow-down technique as closing the "pleasure gap." )
First thing’s first: the vast majority of vulva-owners require external clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. In fact, a study of more than 1,000 vulva-owners in 2017 revealed that only 18% of participants could orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. So when you're having sex, you want to focus on external stimulation alone or in combination with some form of penetration.
If you want to stimulate your partner’s clitoris during P-in-V intercourse, some sex positions make it easier to do than others. Rachel* is a fan of the coital alignment technique, or CAT : "When a guy is on top of you in the missionary position, have him shift his body slightly forward so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris." This tactic is even more orgasmic if your partner’s legs are together and you’re straddling them, says Ellen Friedrichs, M.A. , a health educator who also teaches at the City University of New York's City Tech campus. You can achieve the same effect when they’re on top by propping yourself up on your elbows, which places your abdomen in closer contact with their clitoris.
Unless anal is on the menu, butts are typically sidelined during sex. And that's a shame, because "the buttocks are packed with nerve endings," says Gilda Carle, Ph.D. , an internationally-known relationship expert. To give your partner “a surprising jolt of pleasure,” spread your fingers wide and squeeze their cheeks.
That said, you should ask your partner if they’re into booty squeezing first. If they’re down, be gentle, and take it one step at a time. Yes, of course, there are people out there who crave a good, hard spanking, but that needs to be discussed and agreed on before the butt smacking begins.
As we mentioned above, direct, external clitoral stimulation is the most surefire way to bring many vulva-owners to orgasm—and oral sex is a pretty good way of going about that. Sex therapist Ian Kerner , Ph.D., LMFT, says that using your mouth is the best way to get a sense of what your partner likes at every stage of arousal, including the stage just before orgasm. You’ll know your partner is becoming more aroused if you notice increased vaginal lubrication or if the external portion of their clitoris or their entire vulva swells. The clitoris—including the wishbone-shaped portion that’s underneath the skin —is made of erectile tissue just like the penis, so if your partner’s genitals increase in size, you’re doing a good job!
To find out more about your partner’s preferences, let them take the lead. When you're giving them oral sex, get between their legs and give them a solid base of lips, tongue, and even chin (if you have a clean, smooth shave , that is) to rub against. While your partner does the grinding, note how hard they’re pushing and in what direction. Use that information later when using your fingers or mouth to please them.
Once things get more heated, you might be tempted to focus less on kissing in favor of more X-rated pleasures. But deep kissing is often a must for reaching orgasm, according to a 2017 survey of more than 50,000 adults. The findings revealed that vulva-owners were much more likely to reach orgasm if their sexual encounter included a combination of deep kissing, oral sex, and genital stimulation.
Ask your partner if they have any fantasies they’d like to explore. “Fantasies can increase arousal during a sexual experience,” says Francis. “Finding a fantasy that really turns your partner on can add another layer of pleasure during sex.” It’s also a way to get your partner more psychologically aroused, which is just as important (if not more important) than physical arousal when it comes to having an orgasm. One study found that vulva-owners with lower sexual desire tend to require mental arousal in order to recognize their physical arousal. Try role play or tell your partner an erotic story to kick their pleasure up a notch.
“ Dirty talk ” doesn’t have to include four-letter words. Describe what you’re doing to your partner, or say what you want them to do to you. If you're hesitant, a simple compliment about how attractive you find your partner will do the trick. “Saying something specific about me is sexy while we're in bed,” says Emily*. And if your partner has told you in advance that they’re turned on by specific words and phrases, pepper those into the dialogue, too.
No matter how hot and heavy you’re getting, without adequate lubrication, it's easy for sex to become uncomfortable or even painful for your partner. While lube is absolutely necessary for anal sex (butts don’t self-lubricate like vaginas do), it’s helpful for vaginal penetration and external stimulation, too. "Lubrication increases the comfort and speed with which you can penetrate the vagina and grind against the clitoris," says Friedrichs.
Remember that needing lube doesn’t mean your partner isn’t turned on—some bodies just get wetter than others. Plus, medication, hormonal imbalances, menopause, stress, and dehydration can all decrease the body’s natural lubrication, so there’s nothing wrong with needing a little extra slippery stuff. Using lube makes sex more comfortable for everyone involved. In fact, a 2011 study found that using lube enhances sexual pleasure for vulva-owners. Just remember that if you’re using condoms, you should stick with water-based or silicone-based lube, since oil-based lube can damage latex.
Our necks are highly responsive touch pads: the skin is thin there, and the blood vessels are close to the surface. So it's not surprising that resear
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