How To Orgasim

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How To Orgasim

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If you’ve ever had trouble reaching climax—whether it’s because you can’t seem to get over the “almost there hump” or because the thought of your mountainous to-do list always pops in your head just before you get off—you’ve probably researched “how to orgasm” before. Hi, welcome back. You’re in good company. That’s because, according to one doctor from the Cleveland Clinic, only about 10% of people with vulvas reach climax easily while the other 90% struggle. So don’t worry, this isn’t just a *you* thing.
The bad news is that losing your orgasm completely sucks. But the good news is there are tricks, tips, and techniques that can help ensure you get yours when you’re going at it. One you’ve probably heard before is something along the lines of “just chill out, stop thinking about it, and it’ll happen.” Sound familiar?
Don’t worry, we’re not going to tell you to do that. In fact, the classic advice to simply “relax” your way to a mindblowing orgasm is straight-up wrong. “Entering into a sexual moment with the hopes of haphazardly and spontaneously arriving to pleasure is unrealistic,” explains psychotherapist and founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, Amanda Luterman . In fact, Luterman says the whole concept of “relax, babe, it’ll happen” can actually lead to increased substance use in women trying to enjoy sex. It's also just fundamentally not how the brain or body works .
In reality, there are so many reasons why orgasms might not be happening for you. Allbodies educator and sex coach, Myisha Battle , explains that stress, hormone imbalance, negative body image, prescription meds like SSRIs, or simply not liking a certain type of stimulation can all come into play and shoo away your feel-good release.
Regardless of your libido, sexual orientation , or comfort level with your body, orgasming can require some mental, physical, and emotional labor. In fact, Luterman says most people with vulvas need to consciously try to orgasm in order to make it happen. Depending on the type of sex you’re having, some tricks might work better than others, and while there’s no one-size-fits-all solution that’ll have you squirting like a firehose every time you masturbate or have sex , there are plenty of ways to make orgasms more accessible for your body. Read on for some of our best, expert-backed orgasm hacks that’ll help ensure you never spend your sex seshes going over your grocery list instead of getting off ever again.
A 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy claims that under 40% of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Luterman says a more accurate number is closer to 100%. “Having sex with a vagina is the equivalent of never touching the head of the penis when having sex. It's like only stimulating the shaft,” she explains. Of course, rubbing the shaft without touching the more highly sensitive zones of the penis would be pleasurable and relaxing, but it would likely not lead to an orgasm. Same goes for the vagina and clitoris: It can be pleasurable and exciting to be penetrated , but without any contact with the clitoris, orgasms can be few and far between.
Not all clitoral stimulation looks the same, though. During penetrative sex in the missionary position , it may look like there’s no clitoral stimulation, but the grinding of the pelvic bones actually plays a key role in arousal. Larger penises or dildos may actually make it more of a challenge to reach orgasm in this position because the size prevents it from going as deep, which means there’s less opportunity for pelvic rubbing.
If that’s the case, Luterman suggests incorporating some vibration to stimulate the clitoris during penetration. She recommends a vibrator you can cup in your palm or a vibrating ring for your partner to wear around their penis or dildo so that the toy doesn’t interfere with all that good insertion.
If you find yourself getting close to orgasm but can’t seem to get past that “I'm so close, wait not it's gone" hump, an arousal gel might be the final push you (and your vagina) need. Essentially, these lubes and gels enhance sexual sensations, making it easier to climax.
Erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , Taylor Sparks , explains that arousal gels work by opening your blood vessels which amps up oxygen delivery and blood flow to the genitals. "This increases sensitivity and vaginal secretions to intensify orgasms," she previously told Cosmopolitan . This means you get wetter, and your climaxes come easier while you come harder. Think fireworks instead of sparklers, ya feel?
Never underestimate the power of a good tease. Touching the outer lips of the vulva, known as the labia majora, may not result in an orgasm on its own, but there’s a lot of value in slowing down and paying some attention to the full range of your genitals.
“Incorporate the fleshy deliciousness of touch, which is very erotic for people,” Luterman says. For a primo tease, she suggests having your partner reach down to your vulva, using their index and middle fingers in a “v” shape to rub either side of the inner and outer lips.
If you find that your clitoris is so sensitive that direct stimulation is actually unpleasant for you, which is not uncommon, Luterman recommends using the clitoral hood to your advantage.
“Some people need to press on the hood over the clitoris to not get direct clitoral stimulation, but to use the hood almost like a foreskin would be used when masturbating without lubricant on a penis,” she explains. Explore your genitals to discover what feels best, and don’t be shy about incorporating that into your partnered play.
For many people, if a partner is going to bring them to orgasm, the mechanics only account for half the equation. There also has to be some erotic charge to the exchange, which Luterman defines as “the flow of desire communicated between two people.”
“Articulating your preference for where you'd like to be touched contributes to eroticism,” she says. If you don’t like your nipple pinched, gently offer some feedback to your partner by telling them what you’d like instead. Tell them how hot it would be if they touched around your breast, or just under your breast, or if they used their tongue instead of their finger. That erotic intimacy will help to keep you present.
It’s also important for you to buy into your erotic appeal to your partner. If you don’t feel hot, you may have trouble coming. That being said, Luterman appreciates that for many folks, this radical self-acceptance is much easier said than done. Just know that it’s okay if all your insecurities are still there in the morning—learning to let go of those is a lifelong struggle, not something that can be fixed with one good sex sesh. Your only job is to believe that your partner thinks you’re sexy right now, at this moment. (Spoiler alert: They do.) If you can buy into that, you’re one step closer to your next toe-curling orgasm.
If you’re sitting there trying to will yourself to orgasm, you might be putting too much stress on the whole thing. One fun way to take a step back is to simply have fun and playfully connect with your partner. Sure, playing sexy games will get you turned on since they likely involve stripping down or licking body parts, but they’ll also get you talking which is big for arousal and climax.
"Communication is not only a form of seduction, but a precursor that lays the foundation for more meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable sex,” resident sexologist at Astroglide Jess O’Reilly , PhD, previously told Cosmopolitan . From literal sex board games (yes, this is a thing) to classics like dirty truth or dare , there are a lot of options out there that can build the sexual tension and help you get closer to getting off.
“Many [people with vaginas] describe feeling ‘stuck in their heads’ and experience worrisome or anxious thoughts during sex,” says sex coach, Tamica Wilder . “Too much mind chatter is one of the quickest ways to interrupt your access to pleasure and orgasm.” Consequently, many think the answer is to get out of their heads; to disconnect; to just “calm down.”
Instead of telling her clients to relax, Luterman says it’s more helpful for them to learn the skill of focusing and refocusing their attention, part of something she calls “mindful relaxation with an erotic anticipation.”
“Whatever you're thinking about or looking at is directly going to impact whether or not you're turned on,” she explains. If you're focused on the parts of your body you don't like, or the style of grasp that your partner is using that’s not appealing to you, Luterman says to practice shifting that focus to sexier things.
“Look at your partner's hand as they touch you. Look at how it's moving in a way that is appealing. Think about the pace, the music that's playing, the lighting, the feeling of the sheets, whatever variables that add to the cinematography of your movie,” she says. “By placing your attention on what is arousing to you in a mindful way, you are more likely to be effectively targeting your sensory arousal.”
Paying attention to your surroundings is great, but whoever said you couldn't get a little fantasy help? There are tons of different types of stimuli out there just waiting to turn you on and help you climax. Try reading, watching, or listening to some sexy stuff like erotic books , ethical porn , audio porn , and even just some hot music .
Dive into these when you're trying to get in the mood during/before masturbating, or—if you're comfortable with it and your partner consents—as you're going at it together. You might be surprised how much easier it is to get out of your head and stay in the moment (thus making it easier to orgasm) when you have some type of media to hold your attention.
Maybe you’ve always been curious about latex, whips, or paddles, but you’ve never had the courage to bring it up with your partner. Even if you think you have no kinks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven Taylor Sparks suggests inviting some lightly kinky play into the bedroom to shake things up and explore what makes you feel good. “Try tricks like orgasm denial or even incorporating bondage ,” Sparks suggests. This can help take your intimacy to erotic new levels, and by simply breaking out of the norm, you might ignite some dormant desire.
Finding ways to destress is vital to coming. “For people who struggle with orgasm, it may be good to explore where in their life they harbor too much control,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, Adam & Eve ’s sex and relationship therapist. “Because orgasm is about surrender, when we try to control too many aspects of our life—or some aspects too tightly—this can leak over into orgasm function.” If you’re having a hard time letting go, consider chatting with a professional.
Find yourself losing your orgasm just before it happens? Wilder suggests trying edging (allowing a build-up of pleasure in your genitals and then intentionally stopping just as you’re heading towards a climax… then repeating the process). “During sex or self-pleasure, edging can dramatically increase genital engorgement and blood flow to your nerve endings, which creates such an intense build-up of pleasure, your sabotaging mental override doesn’t stand a chance,” she says.
The key to good sex might actually be just talking about sex . “When you normalize talking about sex—especially when you’re not having it—you create space in your relationships to more easily verbalize what you want in the moment,” says Battle.
In addition to chatting outside of the bedroom, don’t be afraid to use your voice while getting it on. “If you’re blocking your sounds, it’s likely you’re blocking your potential for orgasm,” notes Wilder. “When you can allow yourself to vocalize during sex and self-pleasure, you allow more blood flow to your pelvic floor, your vaginal canal, cervix, and the entire structure of your clitoris.”
While you’re getting all vocal, remember to pay attention to your breathing. Holding your breath or engaging in super rapid huffs and puffs could hinder blood circulation. To remedy this, sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes suggests focusing on breathwork. Not only will this help ensure ample blood flow gets to all your arousal organs (like your clit and your brain) that’ll help you climax, but it’ll also help you stay present in the heat of the moment.
“Focusing on your breath is the most direct way to get out of your head and into your body,” Menezes previously told Cosmopolitan . She suggests closing your eyes and breathing really deeply and slowly. Try different breathing patterns—like holding your breath in for three seconds before you exhale—to see what feels best.
Set aside a few evenings when this is the only item on the agenda for you and your partner. The only goal of the session: Practice some mouth-on-clitoris things that feel good for you (and for your partner to learn what works, too).
There are tons of ways to masturbate, so don't be discouraged if what you've tried isn't working so far. You may need rapid tapping motions, constant pressure, a slow circular rhythm with increasing pressure, or some other combination. Luckily, we’ve talked with the experts to gather the best solo sex tips you can try if you (and your clitoris) are in need of a little ~inspiration.~.
If manual stimulation or friction during sex just isn’t getting you there, trade up for some electronic assistance. As mentioned, incorporating sex toys into your solo and partnered sex life could provide you with the sensation you need for a great orgasm, and it may even help take the pressure off your partner to make you come all on their own. A good vibrator might be the magic that takes things to the next level.
Thankfully, vibrator technology is always evolving, and there have been plenty of new toys on the scene helping people with vaginas reach new peaks. Try the Lelo Sona Cruise for a sensation that mimics oral sex and directly targets the clitoris.
Think about a hot scenario before, and yes, during sex. (A lot of people worry this is somehow wrong, like mental cheating. It's not.) So try it out and see if it works for you—replay a hot moment you had last year, daydream about Ryan Gosling , or think about a vision of what's to come (hopefully you, soon).
Turn off your phone, the lights, even blindfold yourself if you'd like. You want to be in the moment focusing on sensations, so all those little distractions can actually add up and prevent you from getting off.
All that steam will set the scene, plus, it eliminates those completely unnecessary "I just came back from the gym and I am so sweaty" worries.
Let your partner know you want to trade off nights when it's all about you and other nights when you can return the favor. You may just hit a rhythm where you're in sync with each other and every night is a home run for both of you.
On average, it takes a person with a vulva 20 minutes of direct stimulation to have an orgasm (some people take more or less—that's normal too). It's common to reach a plateau phase when you're turned on but feel like you've stalled. Don't lose hope. Stick with what got you to that point, be patient, and you'll likely get there.
Your partner likely won’t be able to just hand you an orgasm out of the blue. Talk about what you like throughout the exchange and give each other feedback. Chatting it out and taking control of the situation (whether verbally or physically) will make it a lot easier for you to orgasm together.
Touch your clitoris during sex (or explain to your partner how you like it done). Reach down with confidence—it's a turn-on for anyone to see someone actively involved and enjoying themselves during sex.
Dry humping is hugely underrated, probably because it's called dry humping . But some people have difficulty finding the touch and rhythm that works for them, even with their own hand. With your clothes or underwear as a barrier, grinding against their pelvic bone or genitals will stimulate the clitoris in an indirect way, getting you super aroused. This method can be used as foreplay, but it can lead to orgasm for some!
While your partner is going down on you, ask them to put a finger or two inside you, and move your hips against their mouth to help create a rhythm that feels best for you. Many times, it's a combination of things, rather than just one move, that hits the magic button.
Sex educator and host of the Sex With Emily podcast, Emily Morse , advises: While your partner is touching your vulva or clitoris, cover their hand with your own and use the motion that you use on yourself when you masturbate. Or use your vibrator in front of them so they can get a front-row seat to watch what works. Some people can be more action-oriented, so showing them what you like as opposed to telling them is the way to go.
If you're lucky enough to have figured out a go-to, it doesn't mean your big moment can't be even bigger. Who couldn't use more tricks in their repertoire? Being on top gets you going because your clitoris gets lots of stimulation. Get into missionary position , then have your partner position themselves so their privates are in line with yours. Then, they should use a figure-eight motion to massage your clitoris with their pelvic bone. Switch it up, people! You might be surprised to find there are more ways to get off than you ever imagined.

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