How To Make Anal Not Hurt

How To Make Anal Not Hurt
Exploring anal sex for the first time can be exciting, but also nerve-wracking — especially if your partner has a big penis and you're nervous about the pain. Here are some tips to make things go as smoothly as possible, pun intended.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist and writer with over 20 years of experience specializing in sex therapy. Her goal as a coach and as a journalist: To help you stop feeling embarrassed and start having way more fun in the bedroom. She studied human sexuality at Brown University and has been... Read more
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Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution , a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin to answer your most confidential questions and help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. In this edition, she answers a reader who wants to have anal sex but whose partner has a big penis. She's nervous about the potential for pain, but Vanessa has some helpful tips. Have your own question? Ask it here .
DEAR VANESSA: I'm planning to have my first anal intercourse with a friend I've known for a couple of years. We tried it once, but we were not prepared. His penis is big, and I'm afraid it will hurt a lot, but I really want to do it. What do you advise? — Scared of Size, 22
DEAR SOS: It’s great that you’re being thoughtful about setting yourselves up for success. Anal sex can be insanely pleasurable, but it does require some work to minimize the discomfort and help you relax. The rectum isn’t nearly as flexible as the vagina is, so it can be harder to get things up there. But with a few pretty straightforward steps, you'll have a much better experience.
First, I recommend you get more familiar with your own anus and rectum. (The anus refers to the outside part and the rectum is the inside.) Try playing with your ass as you masturbate. You can use a lubed-up finger or a slim, lubed-up dildo.
If you’re using a toy , make sure that it has a flared base, meaning that the base is wider than the toy itself. Your anal sphincters are surprisingly strong and can actually pull sex toys up into the rectum. A flared base ensures that you’ll avoid a trip to the emergency room. If you’re nervous about girth issues with your partner, you can start with a very slim dildo and slowly work your way up to bigger and bigger dildos to get a sense of what size you can take. This will also help you stay more relaxed when you experiment with your partner.
Next, I recommend that you and your friend have a few sessions where you focus on anal play instead of anal sex. Have your friend use his fingers and/or your toys on you. Show him what you’ve learned you like. Practice communicating, giving him feedback about speed, depth, pressure, etc. Ask him to check in with you to make sure you’re OK. Also, you can tell your friend ahead of time that you’re a little nervous and want to make sure that you go slow.
When you’re ready to try anal sex again, spend plenty of time hooking up before. You want to be as relaxed and turned-on as possible. If you can have an orgasm before anal sex, that can help your entire body relax. Also, make sure to play with fingers or toys in that session, before you involve his penis.
When you’re ready for his penis, make sure to use a ton of lube . Seriously, a ton . Lube up his penis, and you can add some lube to your anus, too. For anal play, I think silicone-based lube works best; it has a thicker consistency and tends to last longer than water-based lubes, so you won’t have to reapply mid-session.
My holy grail lube is Pjur Original . You can even find lubes that are specially formulated for anal play, like Pjur Backdoor . These lubes tend to be thicker and more durable.
Remind your partner that you’re a little nervous, and let him know you need to go as slow as possible. Have him press his penis against your anus, and hold it there while you breathe slowly and deeply. I recommend you be in control of the insertion, so you can control the exact speed and depth. This works well for doggy-style and with you on top.
Try pushing your body against his so that his penis goes in about an inch. Pause there, and keep focused on breathing and staying relaxed. If that feels OK, try another inch. Work your way down the length of his penis as far as you feel comfortable. If you’re feeling good, you can try moving up and down on his penis, or letting him take control of the movement. Keep communicating to let him know how you’re feeling.
Finally, if you experience pain or discomfort at any point, ask your partner to take a break. Have him stay still, while you focus on deep breathing . If the discomfort subsides, you can start again, slowly, with either of you in control of the movements. If the discomfort doesn’t go away, or if you feel pain, tell your partner to stop. Do not force yourself to keep going. Anal sex should be pleasurable, not painful.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter , Instagram , and her website .
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by The Editors of Men's Health Published: Jan 22, 2016
The editors of Men's Health are your personal conduit to the top experts in the world on all things important to men: health, fitness, style, sex, and more.
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Plus, a sex researcher explains the four keys to helping her enjoy it as much as you do
More and more ladies are putting a welcome mat by the back door: 36 percent of women and 42 percent of men have tried anal sex , according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Butt play has been around since the dawn of time, but it’s become more common over the last 20 or 30 years as the stigma has disappeared, says Kimberly McBride, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Toledo.
Now that Maya Rudolph has screamed about anal bleaching on Bridesmaids and thousands of free anal clips are available on PornHub, more people are interested in testing the waters, she says.
Still, not everyone who tries it makes it a regular part of their sex lives. Only 8 percent of women have had anal in the last month, according to a study from Indiana University.
“A lot of women say that it’s a special occasion thing,” McBride says. “They’ll only do it on his birthday or Valentine’s Day.”
But here’s a little secret: It doesn’t have to be a favor on her part.
“The anus is rich in nerve endings,” says McBride. “If you do it right, it can be a really pleasurable experience for her.”
Follow these steps, and she may be the one to ask for it next time.
This may seem painfully obvious, but McBride says she constantly hears from women who say their guys just ram it in, or claim that “it slipped.” If she’s not relaxed and ready (see Step 2), it’ll just be painful for her.
Ask her if she’s up for trying anal—and hash out any concerns—before you hop into bed, McBride says. Of course, if she’s not into it, you have to respect that.
If she’s game, don’t take it as a blanket approval to go for it anytime you’re fooling around. Check in with her in the moment to see if she’s in the mood for anal.
The anus can be an uncomfortable place to be touched at first. To help her get used to it, start with light butt play before you try penetration, says McBride.
For example, one night you can try just putting a finger or a vibrator on the outside of her anus. (We recommend one of this rechargable vibrator from the Men's Health store.) Another night, lube up a finger and gently insert it. Or experiment with butt plugs.
When you’re both ready to try the real thing, there are two things you need to know about the booty, says McBride.
Two: It’s very sensitive to tearing.
These two facts make it absolutely essential to use lube, and plenty of it.
This organic lubricant from the Men's Health store is a great all-purpose choice.
Despite what you see in porn , thrusting too deeply, too quickly, or too vigorously will just hurt her.
Your best bet: Let her control the depth and speed of penetration, says McBride. You can let her climb on top for a dirty variation of the cowgirl position, do it missionary with her hands guiding your hips, or doggy style with her in charge of backing it up.
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