How To Have A 3sum

How To Have A 3sum

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Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .

My boyfriend suggested a threesome with a third woman. I've always been curious, so I'm game. But I'm also nervous about hurting our relationship if things go awry. How can we prepare for — and avoid — that? —XXX

Threesomes are an extremely common fantasy (if not the most common), especially for men, and more and more women are feeling the pull, too. However, despite this desire, according to a 2017 study, only 10% of women and 18% of men have engaged in a threesome.

If you fall into the group that has always thought about a threesome but has yet to turn the fantasy into a reality, read on for my essential rules for having a successful first threesome.

I need to state a disclaimer: I generally don't recommend threesomes for couples in committed relationships. I'm all for them for people in casual, non-committed relationships, or situationships . But as a relationship therapist, I care most about the long-term impact on the couple dynamic, which leaves me with several concerns.

First, if the threesome idea was sparked by boredom in the bedroom, bringing a new person into the mix disincentives you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life with your partner. You're no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven't yet probed. While a threesome may be exciting initially, it does not solve the longer-term issue of how to keep things fresh and become a better lover.

I have also seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be "meaningless" sex. Sometimes, people who have a hard time with emotional intimacy find it hard to maintain sexual interest in their long-term partner; for them, opening the relationship to other people is an ineffective Band-Air and can stunt personal growth.

When it comes to picking a third, many couples gravitate to someone they know. This is a huge mistake. Inviting someone into the bedroom who one or both of you already have an emotional bond with makes it more likely that someone will have feelings or someone will get their feelings hurt.

Picking up strangers at bars can also be tricky. Fortunately, there are many apps, like Thrinder and Feeld , designed specifically to help you out. Once you both agree on a potential partner, I recommend meeting her for an IRL "date" before inviting her straight to bed, so you can make sure they are true to their photo, test the chemistry, and see how it feels to take the next step.

With that said, now more than ever, it's important to consider safety when it comes to who you are bringing into your bed...

Early on in the pandemic, health experts and local governments recommended limiting close contact — including sex — with anyone outside your household. Things may be more relaxed now, but with Delta breakthrough infections turning up at every corner, it's still important to talk about Covid-19 risk factors beforehand.

If you do feel comfortable moving forward, there are other safety measures to consider. First up: Birth control. You should talk about birth control with your partner and your guest star before the big event. Make sure that if your boyfriend is wearing a condom he does not double-dip. Check that everyone involved has a clean bill of health and establish in advance with your partner whether there will be any exchanging of bodily fluids. Limiting drugs and alcohol prevent things from getting out of control and makes it easier for everyone to keep their agreements.

Some couples make a no penetration rule. Others embrace a watch-but-don't-touch philosophy. For other couples, it's about limiting intimacy during the threesome experience and focusing solely on sex, aka no kissing or cuddling.

However you feel, it's important to go over every possible sexual scenario together and talk about what is off-limits and what is acceptable. Just because you are all getting naked together does not mean that it is a no holds barred sexual experience. Physical rules should be established upfront in order for this to be an emotionally safe experience.

Communication is key when bringing a third party into the mix. You both must be skilled in talking about delicate topics, and be willing to share any concerns or fears in advance. Find out what your boyfriend's expectations of the event are and share yours. If during this conversation you discover that one of you isn't fully on board or enthusiastic about the idea, it's best not to move forward. A threesome should never be about doing something solely for your partner's pleasure or 'taking one for the team'.

The moment one person becomes uncomfortable, they should have the right to end the threesome, no questions asked. One way to do this is by creating a safety word with your boyfriend. This is something that either of you can say that indicates that you're no longer feeling comfortable with the situation. Discuss in advance that this may be a real possibility that neither partner can roll their eyes at.

It can also be helpful to discuss who will lead in this sexual dance that you will be doing. Who's going to be the person to initiate physical activity with your new partner? Who is going to politely end things if that's what it comes to? It may seem un-sexy, but talking all of these logistics through in advance can make sure things go smoothly once you bring in a third person.

Ahead of time, set explicit boundaries about staying in contact before, during, and after the threesome. Is it OK for you or your boyfriend to text the other woman without their partner knowing? How do you want to handle things after the event is over? Is she invited to spend the night? Are you having breakfast together in the morning? Are you hoping to escort her out ASAP? Most couples find it helpful to say a kind goodbye to the third party relatively quickly and find time to connect with one another.

It's also important to be clear on whether or not this is a one-time thing or if either of you is hoping to have this be a regular activity and, if so, with the same person every time. Stay true to these commitments. All too often people get slippery about the agreements they make, develop bonds with the non-primary partner, become jealous, or hurt each other's feelings.

While all of these tips are about protecting your relationship with your partner, be sure to discuss expectations, boundaries, and protocol with the newcomer, too. They also have the right to bow out if they feel uncomfortable at any point. You all need to be on the same page in order for everyone to feel respected and have a good time.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

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Gabrielle Smith
Gabrielle Smith is a Brooklyn based writer whose work focuses on topics like sex/love, ethical non-monogamy, mental illness, race, and identity.

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"Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love."
If you’re wondering if a threesome is for you, you’re certainly not alone. Group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a study conducted by Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., Men's Health advisory board member and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Men especially fantasize about sex involving multiple people.
Studies show that about 10% of women and 18% of men report having participated in a threesome. If you’re looking to add yourself to that lucky group of individuals who get to make their fantasies a reality, here are some things to consider. We polled sex experts and regular people who've had a three-way on every aspect of how to have a threesome.
“Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love. It’s the experience with my partner that I enjoy the most. On a side note, the opportunity to be inside multiple women in the same night is an ego boost. Just keeping it real.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“I think there’s something special about intimacy with multiple people at the same time. I don’t even think it’s about fantasy fulfillment, it’s more just getting the opportunity to enjoy loving two people like that at once.” —Spencer*, 21, Quebec
“You can get really creative in group sex situations thinking of new positions to try, taking turns to focus on one person, etc. I like that the sex doesn’t stop even if one person taps out briefly to have a drink of water or just sit and watch the other two. It’s a constant dynamic process that you just don’t get in 1-1 sex.” –L*, 22, UK
There are so many ways to pursue and have a threesome, so you’re going to have to really think about what you want. Here are some questions to think about:
Do you want to join an existing couple, have someone join a romp with you and your partner, or are we looking to recruit a few free agents? These factors are going to determine how you search for a threesome.
What are your combined sexualities? Who will be interacting with whom, and what kind of activities are on the table? Some folks like to have threesomes without kissing, or take the idea of penetration off the table. Some men want to have a “ devil’s threesome ,” which is a threesome involving two men who do not have sexual interaction with each other. Others want a fully bisexual threesome.
Consider potential locations, sleeping arrangements and the duration of the experience before you jump into it. If you’re partnered and you’d rather not have the person joining you stay, kindly make that clear. If you’re open to that opportunity, make sure there’s plenty of space in your bed for three.
“It helps to find a community and friends with similar opinions towards sex and relationships. We found kink communities, LGBTQ communities that provided opportunities to organize a threesome. Dating web sites can work but it’s not cool to be a unicorn hunter.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“My primary partner and I looked at each others’ Tinder matches and messaged the people we were both drawn to (and who seemed like they might be open to it!) asking if they’d be interested in a threesome. If the answer was yes, we’d chat a little about boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc., and then if things still felt good thereafter, we’d meet up.” —Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“I would suggest that other people interested in threesomes should start with their partners and talk to them about what possibilities they’re open to. If you’re on your own I suppose the apps ( like Feeld and OKC ) and online communities are other places to look. Most of the sex positive people I’ve met and have interacted with were found using these methods.” —Daniel L., 40, Queens
Unicorn hunting is when a heterosexual couple seeks a bisexual woman to join them for a threesome. It’s not inherently wrong to look for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with. However, unicorn hunters have a bad reputation because they often treat the woman joining them as a transaction, as opposed to a human being.
Unicorn hunters also tend to use predatory and deceptive tactics in order to lure bisexual women into their bedrooms. They often will enter queer-designated spaces by solely using the women’s profile on dating apps, or even present as a single woman, only to reveal the intended arrangement AFTER a rapport has been struck up. This leaves bisexual women feeling hurt and misled.
“If all you’re interested in is getting a third for you and your wife with no real emotional connection I would recommend hiring a professional sex worker,” says Daniel L. from Queens. It’s totally valid to hire a sex worker if you want to call the shots! That way you can create the exact experience you want and not worry about the emotional attachment.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Jealousy during a threesome with a partner is common for folks in monogamous relationships. Studies literally show that communicating or creating rules that benefit you and your partner can amplify feelings of comfort . If you struggle with communication, you may want to hold off on having a threesome until you further develop this skill.
“Start off threesomes with sharing each person’s desires, fears, and boundaries," says sexuality educator Cory Bush, CD . "Each person (regardless if they’re partnered) should share their own.” This is a great way to air out any potential roadblocks, and determine what you may want to look out for concerning any potential triggers or uncomfortable feelings.
Defining your boundaries beforehand is always recommended.
“[Don’t] worry about erections. Penises often fail to stay erect in group situations and that is totally normal, especially if you’re new to it. I promise no one will care. It’s so much more exciting finding creative ways to pleasure people without a focus on penetration.” – L*, 22, UK
“I think if you’re wanting a threesome because it’s a particular fantasy for you, just adjust your expectations a little? They can be a little stilted and awkward at first and it can take a couple tries to get it to live up to what you’re picturing.”—Spencer, 21, Quebec
“I think if someone is extremely eager to get down and dirty but dismissive when it comes to all the prep work (setting boundaries, managing expectations, etc.), that person may not have your best interests at heart.” –Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“When it’s about finding someone to rekindle the attraction you have to your partner. That’s a different problem that needs inner work and communication and therapy.” —Evans, 29, Ghana
“The largest thing I look for is that both parties are both excited—even if they show it in different ways. My biggest concern is that in the couple, one partner is the leader and the other partner is just going along with it essentially.” –Emerson K, 21, Kansas
If you’re going into a threesome with a partner, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. Jealousy may rear its ugly head, insecurity may take over, or triggers may unknowingly become revealed. A threesome is a risky activity, and can highlight instability in your relationship.
That’s why it’s incredibly important to go into the experience knowing that your relationship feels safe and secure. “Even if things don’t go how you thought they would or even if something triggers you, you know that you have a supportive partner who is down to help you through that afterwards,” Bush says. “We have to feel both physically and emotionally safe in order to truly surrender to pleasure so if you’re worried about something that could cause a fight, hold off and focus on that for now.”
Even though it may be scary to pursue a threesome, don’t let fear lead you. A threesome is a great opportunity to have a little fun, explore sexually, and potentially get closer to your partner(s) in the process.
*Subject's name has been changed to allow them to speak freely on private matters.

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Wise men. Little pigs. Jonas Brothers. If you’ve seen any image of Idris Elba in a three piece suit you get it. Three is a magic number, especially when it comes to sex. The allure of the ménage à trois cannot be ignored. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who interviewed over 4,000 couples for his book Tell Me What You Want, having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy , although men seem to be a bit more intrigued by the idea ( a separate study showed that 82% of men and 31% of women reported at least some interest in having a threesome).
However, people aren’t actually having that many threesomes , only 3% of people surveyed had a threesome in the past year, and only 1% of people surveyed had one in the past month. So, I reached out to people who have “regular or semi-regular” threesomes, and I learned a lot about what it takes to make one happen , and what makes them so damn hot.
“Before I was into all of this I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Now that I recognize like-minded people, it is easy to sense someone’s ‘vibe’. It’s actually shocking how many people (especially couples) are out at the bars hoping to find a new recruit.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“I joke with my gay friends that setting up a threesome with two other gay men is more complicated than negotiating peace in the Middle East. Gay men tend to be VERY sexually picky, and if 2 people are interested in adding a third, the vetting process is exhaustive (multiple pictures of all parties from multiple angles and sexual preference resume as well as hosting negotiations).” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“We typically get to know someone in a group setting (not that kind of group—just out with friends) and then, if they seem like they would be interested after some mild flirting, my wife messages them asking if we can take them out—like on a real date, not just drinks or straight to our house.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“I would say the most common way we go about setting up threesomes is probably through Grindr.” —Sutter, 27, Columbus
“I approach someone with my partner there, flirt with the person enough to make it obvious, then have my partner flirt with them as well. You can kind of immediately tell if the
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