How To Give Your Girl An Orgasm

How To Give Your Girl An Orgasm

Medically reviewed by
Dr Roger Henderson and words by Sarah Berry

The essential orgasm guide for women
Penile supports and implants explained
Dr Roger Henderson
Dr Roger Henderson is a Senior GP, national medical columnist and UK medical director for LIVA Healthcare
He appears regularly on television and radio and has written multiple books.

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Does your girlfriend struggle to come? We speak to a sex therapist about helping your female partner get off.
If your partner struggles to come during sex, it can be frustrating (for both of you). Self-esteem, anxiety, exhaustion and stress are just some of the lifestyle factors that can impact a woman’s ability to orgasm.
While it’s perfectly normal to not reach orgasm every single time you have sex, if your partner fails to come at all, it can start to take its toll on your relationship .
But before you despair you’re doing something desperately wrong and your sexual prowess is entirely to blame, lots of women struggle to come, and your partner is not alone. A study of more than 52,000 adults found that 95 per cent of heterosexual men almost always climaxed during sex – compared to just 65 per cent of women.
Which begs the question: why are the men hogging all the orgasms and, more importantly, how can you help the woman in your life up her come-quota and join you in the pleasure circle? Psychosexual and relationship therapist Sarah Berry offers her expert tips on how, why and what to do to help the woman in your life come:
I often hear male clients lamenting that they are bad in bed because their female partners can’t come . While there may be other relationship or sexual issues at work, a lack of orgasm does not reflect on your sexual ability, nor is it your sole responsibility.
Most women at one time or another have found it difficult to climax.
While some women orgasm easier than others, most women at one time or another have found it difficult to climax. Some can only climax alone and some have never had the pleasure. There are many reasons for this. It could be down to any one of the following reasons, or many more profound or mundane interferences:
What I would recommend is that you work with your partner to create a space where both of you feel happy and connected and where arousal can ebb and flow. If their arousal is working up to an orgasm, you can help nurture these feelings.
If you are with a woman who orgasms infrequently or not at all, I would ask them how they feel about it. Maybe she is frustrated, maybe she is fine with it and maybe she does actually orgasm, but it’s a less theatrical affair – not everyone does a full on When Harry Met Sally – style performance. Start by asking her how she feels and you might be surprised to learn it’s nothing to do with you at all.
If she does blame your technique for her lack of orgasm, ask her to tell you, or even better, show you, how she likes to be stimulated. You could have a mutual masturbation session where you touch yourselves in front of each other. While this is can feel very intimate and exposing, it can also reduce pressure and performance anxiety for both of you.
It’s worth noting that if your partner is tense, maybe they’re anxious or angry, then your touch is likely to tickle and not hit the spot, so let her lead the way.
Bearing in mind what works for one person may be uncomfortable for another, here’s some ideas for helping your female partner achieve an orgasm which you might like to try together:
It seems the done thing, in far too many heterosexual couplings, that when the man has come then sex is over, regardless of whether the female partner is done or not. Ignoring whether your partner has also finished is selfish. If she would like it, you could do some hand or mouth stimulation . If you are too spent, you hold her while she masturbates.
Yes quickies can happen. If you are both aroused and your genitals are primed for action then that’s great. But if not, foreplay helps all genitals – including penises that, contrary to popular belief aren’t always ready to go as soon as sex is hinted at – to be ready for sex. Without enough of it, sex can be painful, intrusive or simply just boring. Foreplay can include anything from saucy texts, to hand jobs, to oral, to spanking and anything else that feels playful, sensual or sexual.
Some people find sex toys , particularly vibrators, can help them achieve the big O. Others don’t like them; it could be they don’t like how they feel or they don’t like them on principal. There are many, many different sizes , shapes, colours, materials and types of stimulation available, so if you are thinking of getting one, I strongly recommend consulting with your partner.
Many women say that receiving cunnilingus is the most surefire way to get them coming. If you do both want to do this, but you’re not sure what to do, experiment until she starts making appreciative noises or writhing around. Some women prefer a tongue lapping consistently at the clitoris while others like the whole vulva to be slathered over, like you would an ice cream on a really hot day.
I’ve found that there are three main reasons why some women find receiving oral sex a bit uncomfortable:
• The first is that it can feel disconnecting: you’re down there being busy, while they’re up there not feeling in the moment and worrying about you, work, or that stain on the ceiling.
• The second is the fear that it is taking too long; indeed vaginas do generally take longer to get excited than penises.
• And thirdly, many women fear that their vulvas and vaginas don’t look good or smell.
So what should you do? If you are going down on her, being more animated can help. This can include appreciative noises or comments, eye contact, cupping her bum and stroking her body. If you’re tired, try alternating tongue and finger stimulation.
During your intimate time, you might feel awkward, nervous, detached, or any other feelings that could interrupt a pleasurable union. If this happens, I suggest that, rather than powering through, you stop for a moment. Tell them how you feel and give them a compliment, a hug, or something that can help the two of you can find some common ground and establish a bond. It means she may also feel she can do the same when she feels interrupted. Being on the same page during sex is sexy.
If someone feels close to coming but then their clitoris becomes painful or numb, then you could suggest that the two of you take a break. Maybe have a chat, a cuppa or a glass of wine, or a bit of a snog. If you both want to continue, you may be surprised to find that the clitoris is still pretty enlarged and doesn’t need much stimulation to get going again.
heIf s says to keep going in increasingly excited tones, then keep going. As you were. Don’t go faster. Don’t go slower. Don’t throw in some amazing trick. Unless you are in pain or discomfort JUST… KEEP… GOING!
Issues with sex can be a symptom that other things are wrong with your relationship. In this case, it could be that one or both of you is having doubts about your relationship or is harbouring resentment about something. Or they may see you as a good friend but just can’t get themselves to fancy you. Sometimes discussing these issues can be painful but getting through them could lead both to find happier places, either together or apart. Couples therapy can help negotiate this.
For further advice about helping your partner reach orgasm or any other relationship or sexual concerns you might have, try one of the following resources:
Sarah Berry is a psychosexual and relationship therapist. For more information about how she works and to book a session, visit www.sarahberrytherapy.co.uk
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When it comes to the female orgasm, every partner is like a completely new puzzle to work out. People are different, so you need to start afresh and discover what makes her tick in bed.
Although there are key techniques that most people will enjoy, such as good foreplay and clitoral stimulation, you might find your partner needs something different to previous partners to reliably reach orgasm.
In this article, I’ll share some great techniques you can try. But more importantly, I’ll explain how to go about honing in on what’s most likely to help your partner have fantastic orgasms.
It’s always fun to try new positions, moves, and techniques. Just try not to get caught up in your own pleasure or anxiety about doing them right.
If your partner doesn’t usually have an orgasm, don’t keep doing the same thing and keep your fingers crossed that this time she’ll have an orgasm.
You need to pay close attention to how she responds to everything you do together during foreplay and sex.
If she likes a position or movement, do it for longer, try variations, and then add it to your repertoire for the future. If she doesn’t respond so much, move on to the next idea.
Try to be the Sherlock Holmes of your sex life: investigate every physical, emotional and verbal clue she gives you that you’re doing things right.
Some will say that women need more of an emotional connection to reach orgasm. Personally, I think it depends on the person and the nature of your relationship.
You’ll learn over time whether your partner needs more of an emotional connection, raw physical energy, or a balance of the two.
Does she tend to climax more often when sex follows a romantic, fun, or relaxed evening together, or a deep conversation about everything and nothing? Does she like it when you gaze longingly into one another’s eyes and whisper sweet words during foreplay?
Perhaps she prefers you to take her by surprise when you get home from work, talk dirty, or not even talk at all?
There’s no magic formula, and it’s up to you to keep a mental note of what situations and type of sexual encounters get her fired up.
One easy way to unlock her secrets is to simply ask her directly what she thinks she needs to have an orgasm. It’s likely she’ll know what works for her, as well as what definitely doesn’t.
It’s probably better not to ask her just before or during sex. Ask her at another time when you’re both feeling relaxing (a glass of wine might help!), or even after sex if you’re cuddling and feeling good.
She’ll tell you if she needs prolonged penetration, soft and slow, rough and hard, kinky sex, manual or oral stimulation. Maybe all of those in just the right order!
If you aren’t up for an open discussion though, there are some points that might help if you’re going the long way round and working it out with observation alone.
Women are less likely to climax if the conditions aren’t right, even if the sex feels amazing to you. It’s not as simple as it is for most men, where sex + X amount of time = orgasm .
Sexual intercourse alone is less likely to produce an orgasm because it can leave the all-important clitoris without the right kind of stimulation.
The clitoris, for many women, is essential to orgasm.
How do you ensure the clitoris is given enough attention? Try these ideas:
Men sometimes think of sex as penetration, with foreplay consisting of undressing, a bit of kissing, perhaps some obligatory oral sex, or massage of the nipples and breasts. But many women wish men paid more attention to quality foreplay.
Foreplay can drive a woman wild , so allow plenty of time for kissing, massage, caressing, and non-penetrative fun and games. All of this will help you in your ultimate goal of getting her turned on to the point where an orgasm is more likely to happen.
By taking a little time with foreplay, women can have an orgasm before the intercourse has even begun . And that has the added benefit of reducing some of your stress if you suffer from issues like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.
One of the key ways to trigger a positive response from a woman is to pay some attention to all of her erogenous zones .
As well as the more obvious pleasure spots on the female body, such as the clitoris, g-spot, and breasts, there are other areas that women love a man to touch during foreplay. The scalp, neck, wrists, and inner thighs, to name just a few.
One of my favorites is to get myself into a position when giving her oral that lets my arms extend up her body as much as possible.
That way, I can caress all the way from her lower legs to her breasts and arms while my tongue works its magic. And with some experimentation, you’ll soon find areas on her body that make her shudder or moan in pleasure.
Change positions and mix things up to help make the sexual experience more pleasurable and varied. Even if you have your own favorites during sex, remember to play around with other positions before you settle into your and her favorites.
Some positions will lead to orgasm easier than others, so be playful and see what works best for you both. You might be surprised to find that some women love being on top, where they can feel in charge and in control of their pleasure.
Others enjoy a position where the man can penetrate the woman but also use his fingers to rub her clitoris or other parts of the body (those erogenous zones again).
Communicate your likes and dislikes, and experiment to see what feels best for both of you.
To reach orgasm, many women need a period of time where you simply maintain the exact same movements for a period of time . It might be 30 seconds, a minute, two minutes, or much longer.
It might be a constant and sustained rhythm. It could be a specific speed, pressure, position, and/or movement. It probably won’t be right from the start, but once you’ve had sex for a while, at some point she may want to settle into this fixed and constant rhythm.
It could also be that it’s a certain position and movement, but you steadily build the speed and pressure over a few minutes. Again, it goes back to the core point of how everyone is different and you’ll need to find out what her ‘finishing move’ is – assuming she has one.
There may be times then when she will feel that she’s in the perfect position to reach an orgasm , and that you’re doing things just right.
You either need to learn to recognize when this happens, or ask her to tell you. That’s when experimentation and position changing are over, and you need to keep doing exactly what you’re doing until she climaxes.
Here are a few secrets that might also help your partner orgasm:
Do you have any tips to share that you’ve found works for one or more partners? Let me know in the comments below!
Thank you. My spouse and I had let intimacy slide as we have aged, so we have been enjoying getting into the groove again. She only orgasms from manual or oral stimulation, and I also find it wonderful to be able to bring her to orgasm orally. I always enjoy it when she likes that I find her beautiful down there. It is a win for both of us. I like that you stress the importance of open communication.
You’re welcome – good to hear the article was useful for you!
Great tips, and as a woman I totally agree with what’s said here. I hate it when a guy goes too quick from the get-go and will just find a way to stop him. Take your time guys and don’t use the tip of your tongue as much as the flat, soft top of the tongue. Em
Hi Em
Thanks for adding your thoughts – the fast tongue flicking is such an important one for men to get right.
Hi. My wife doesn’t like oral kissing, nipple kissing and caressing, clitoral stimulation and she said she feels good only during intercourse. She also doesn’t like prolonged penetration. Does she have a problem?
Hi Fabiless
It sounds like maybe she’s just not that into sex. Has it always been this way with her, or did something change recently? Have you spoken to her openly to ask her what she does like, and what it is that she doesn’t like about oral etc? Maybe she feels insecure, maybe she doesn’t find the way you’re doing it turns her on and there’s a style she’s not spoken about. Or maybe she really just doesn’t have a high sex drive. These are things to discuss with her really, in as calm and non-judgmental way as possible.
Hi there,
my girlfriend wants to jump to penetration directly, and i don’t think i can make her orgasm only by penetration. What do I do?
Hi Sam
My advice is to talk to her about it openly. And try to take more control – it can be very sexy for a woman to have her partner tease her and make her wait. So if you’re confident enough, make her wait for it by giving her more foreplay and oral sex etc.
Ethan
What is wrong if i come to quickly? E.g we would be kissing and ill come in 30 seconds…please help me!!
Hi Sipho
This is something you can work on. Have a look around this site, as there are many articles about premature ejaculation.
Ethan
And if women need 20 minutes or longer to reach orgasm, what’s a guy to do?
Hi Andrew
If you don’t have the staying power to keep going with penetrative sex, one answer lies in becoming amazing at oral sex. And you can also spend lots more time on foreplay and focus on finding the best position and movement for your partner so that you can bring that time down.
Ethan
Hi Andrew – I’ve looked at many, many responses. You’re the most accurate for me. I’m 74 with a dead penis but I’d really love to lick women to have orgasms. What should I do?
is it normal to have orgasm only with vulva and clitoral stimulation
but not full penal penetration?
Hi Gracy
Some women do find they need clitoral stimulation, either with penetration or on its own. It’s nothing out of the ordinary.
Ethan
Wow.. Thanks for your piece of advice here….. I’ve not tried any though but i’m going to and hopefully it works…. My problem is that with a condom i can last up to 1 hour but without i can’t boast of 5mins… I wonder if you can help me?
Hi Vowe
I’m glad you found the article uesful! It’s a very common thing for guys to last much longer with a condom on. You could try a desensitizing spray without the condom, if physical sensitivity is the main issue. I’d also suggest looking around this site for help. There are lots of articles with information about improvi
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