How To Give Someone A Handjob

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How To Give Someone A Handjob
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Carina Hsieh , Hannah Smothers and Rachel Varina

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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals. 

Hannah Smothers
Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram .

Rachel Varina
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona ) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries).

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It’s time to make the hand job great again.
Once upon a time, the classic hand job was merely one of the first bases toward penetrative sex . That was back when penetration was basically the definition of intimacy and we, for some reason, spoke in baseball metaphors. But the days of handies being considered a stepping stone (or plate, if you will) instead of the main event are officially over, and learning how to give a hand job—like a good hand job—isn’t nearly as meet-me-under-the-bleachers-after-study-hall as you might think.
Now granted, if you view hand jobs as juvenile, then that’s exactly what they’ll be, explains sexologist Malika O’Neill , founder and CEO of The Pleasure Collective . But that’s why you’ve gotta change your perspective, she says. And according to sex therapist, coach, and founder of Modern Intimacy , Kate Balestrieri, PsyD , manual stimulation (which is the more formal definition of a handy), is an important part of erotic play for all ages.
“Using your hands allows you to stimulate your partner’s penis with movements and sensations that penetration cannot replicate,” Dr. Balestrieri says. “They are totally different experiences.” Plus focusing solely on your partner’s pleasure every once in a while is an A+ way to connect and pamper.
But before you just grumble and half-heartedly grab your partner’s genitals, certified sexologist Sara Tang says it's important to reframe your mindset. If you literally view the act as a “job,” that’s what it’s going to feel like. “Take a playful approach, instead of a goal-oriented or task-focused one," she explains. While you NEVER have to give anyone manual sex—and you can always stop if you want—if you do decide to engage in some manual partner play, put some heart in it.
Ultimately, incorporating handies into your sexual routine can be exciting and pleasurable for both partners. So, if you're game, here are 30 of the best, expert-recommended hand job tips out there. Grab a bottle of lube and get ready to go a lil old school.
It doesn't matter what type of sex you're having—eye contact is like an all-encompassing sexual secret weapon. "Checking in with your partner through eye contact tells them you are connected with them [and] their pleasure," explains Dr. Balestrieri. "[That] you're attuned, invested." We don't mean have a staring competition with your playmate, but long, lingering glances and a few smoldering looks will go a long way during a HJ. Plus it's très hot to look in the eye of the person you're pleasuring (and vice versa). Try it!
While the importance of lube can't be overstated (pls see #12), one of the most fun—and multitasking—ways to elevate a hand job is with a stimulating oil or lube. Dr. Balestrieri highly suggests Trojan's Arouses + Intensifies lube because it not only gives a pleasurable warming/tingling sensation (that reviewers say results in extremely "intense orgasms" ), but it's also condom safe! You need to use lube anyway, so you might as well use some that'll result in firework-style climaxes, ya feel?
Before just grabbing onto the shaft and going at it, Dr. Balestrieri suggests starting instead by massaging your partner's inner thighs. This area is extremely sensitive, she explains, and by rubbing the thighs, you can "build a heightened anticipation for pleasure." Try casuallyyyy sweeping over the penis until you hit the belly button, then start again at the inner thighs, working in broad circles. If your partner seems super receptive to the thigh touch, Dr. Balestrieri says to rub the area *while* stimulating the penis to add some extra sensation.
If you have the time or simply want to make things even more erotic, Tang suggests viewing the hand job as more of a sensual massage experience by giving your partner a full rubdown. Grab some oil or lube and start by massaging your partner’s back, butt, and feet. This helps warm up and prepare the entire body, Tang explains. “As you glide over their skin, begin focusing more and more attention on the penis.”
Yup, feeling sexually excited yourself will actually make your handies even better, says ASTROGLIDE resident sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD . “The more aroused you are, the more naturally everything will flow,” she explains. “Your enthusiasm will be palatable, so make sure the pleasure is just as much your own as your partner’s.”
Your partner probably knows some of their favorite ways to be touched, and an easy way to mimic that is by literally just watching them masturbate, says international sex educator and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Course Kenneth Play . If you’re both comfortable with it, a lil show and tell can go a long way.
As your partner's going at it, Taylor Sparks , an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , suggests making a mental note of the types of strokes they use and areas they focus on.
“Do they stay more to the top around the head of the penis or full stroke top to bottom, or somewhere in the middle with shorter strokes? [Your partner] is your best teacher on how they love their penis stroked,” she explains. You don’t have to do the exact same thing, but you’ll def want to play off of what you see they already like.
During penetrative sex, the walls of the vagina or anus kind of hug the penis, giving it a nice tight feeling, explains O’Neill. When giving a handy, keep this in mind and try to mimic that feeling by wrapping your hands around their penis and gradually increasing the pressure.
If you have a penis, chances are you already have a good idea of what feels good. If you’re a vagina owner, you can still apply some of the same techniques to your partner that you use on yourself. O’Neill suggests using the same amount of pressure and speed you’d use to rub your clitoris to rub your partner’s shaft.
The real secret to a great handy is to figure out exactly what your partner wants. Sex educator Jennifer Rahner says simply asking what they like is one of the most efficient ways to become a pro. Whether your partner prefers lots of lube or just a little (uncircumcised people sometimes enjoy stimulation without lube, says Rahner) or if they like a light touch or firm touch, the best way to figure it out is to ask. O’Neill suggests asking something like “Does that feel good?” or “Would you like it tight?” to get the ball rolling.
So, hand jobs can sometimes seem like a checklist item, but that’s the exact wrong way to go into giving one. Sparks suggests giving a hand job with the purpose of destressing and pleasing your partner. “There’s no reason why blow jobs should get all the glory when hand jobs can be just as pleasurable,” says O’Neill.
“The number one hand job tip is lube, lube, lube,” says Sofiya Alexandra , co-founder and co-host of the Private Parts Unknown podcast. Too much friction is a hand job’s main nemesis, she explains, so it’s a good idea to always have lube on hand, and don’t be afraid to apply it so you can skip any awkward dryness.
Try some light ball massage if your partner is into it. The amount of pressure will depend on each person, but don’t shy away from touching their balls, as it can be super pleasurable for them—and make you feel like a sexual rockstar. Playing with your partner’s balls during a hand job is a common tip both O’Neill and Dr. Balestrieri give others to improve their handies.
Everyone likes a compliment, so be sure to let your partner know how much you admire them. “Tell your lover if their penis looks good, tastes great, feels amazing in your hands or mouth,” suggests Tang. “Some people have a lot of insecurities around their genitals, and it helps to relax and reassure them to know that you are enjoying the experience and not judging them for their size or shape.”
If you’ve exhausted the one-hander, try getting all fancy with two hands. Sex and relationship expert Emily Morse , host of the Sex With Emily podcast , says to try the two-handed twist: Stack both hands on their shaft, one on top of the other. Then, twist your hands slowly in opposite directions, taking time to vary the pressure so you’re also gently stroking and squeezing.
O’Neill suggests using an up and down stroking motion up the shaft of your partner’s penis, and then twisting your hands ¼ either way. Once you can tell your partner is about to climax, focus the pressure more toward the head of their penis. O’Neill also recommends using long “milking strokes” once your partner reaches climax.
It might be called a "job," but no one wants it to feel like one, no matter if they're the giver or the receiver, explains Dr. Balestrieri. "Try to take a position of wanting to please your partner, and channel the enthusiasm you hope they’d put forth when it's your turn to receive," she says. Just like you don’t like it when someone goes down on you for 15 seconds and pops up like, “ you good?” people don’t generally like it when you give their dicks three rapid tugs and then move on to something else.
You can always, always, change your mind about what you do and don’t want to do during sex, but if you’re down to HJ, make it a fulfilling moment in your sex sesh and not just a checklist item.
Aka your spit. It won’t be as long-lasting or slick as the stuff you get at a store, but in a pinch, it’s an economical (and sexy) way to cut down on friction. And there’s no bigger hand job fail than friction. And yup, you can literally just spit on it. It's somehow v sexy, so just go with it.
The best blow jobs are those that incorporate the hands, and the same goes for the mouth during hand jobs. It helps you accomplish the previous point about natty lube, and it also gives your hands and all their tired muscles (from, you know, holding a phone all day) a rest.
A huge benefit of a hand job is that it can be done sneakily. We’re not exactly condoning or encouraging doing handies in public places, but if you wanted to get a HJ going while you’re sitting side-by-side on the couch watching a movie, that would be good and acceptable.
Jacqui Oliver , a psycho-sexual relationship consultant, says to get your partner started by having them imagine the hot and heavy stuff that’s about to go down. Don’t be afraid to talk dirty! Getting into the right mindset can turn second base from a pit stop to the actual destination.
Oliver says to make a “V” shape with your thumb and pointer finger to support the base of the penis and add slight downward pressure. This holds the penis in place as it becomes erect so it doesn’t “bounce” around too much.
Apply some lube in your other hand, and slowly stretch out the length of the penis with your other hand (your thumb should be pointing down towards the balls). Once your lubed hand nears the top of the penis, you can bring your support hand up and repeat the same slow stretch. Repeat until you’re both impressed by your hand dexterity.
Sure, it’s called a hand job, but using your finger pads to create a delicate touch can be super stimulating and unexpected. Antonia Hall , a psychologist and relationship expert, suggests using the pads of your fingers and lubrication to glide up and down your partner’s shaft.
Hall explains the frenulum (under the tip of the penis), the perineum (area just beneath the balls), and the base of the penis are three sensitive spots to pay extra attention to. You’ll want to make sure you stimulate these areas somehow.
Just because you’ve asked them what they like, it doesn’t mean you can zone out and just phone it in until they climax. You’ll also want to pay close attention to their body language during stimulation. “Listen to your partner’s body—their breath, their noises, the way they move,” says Rahner. “These can all show signs that you’re on the right track.”
First, you’ll need a really good silicone lube because duh = more movement, more lube. We’re big fans of Lelo’s lube as it feels hella luxe and the bottle is basically a work of art. Once you’re lubed enough, try seamlessly bringing your hand from the base of the shaft up and over the head, squeezing gently on the head, and then working your way back down. Morse also suggests using your other hand for stimulating yourself (and putting on a bit of a show).
Go ahead and reapply your lube here, because you want things very lubed up when you’re stimulating the head of the penis. Morse says to use one hand to stroke from the base to the head, and then using your other hand, gently squeeze and play with the head of the penis.
No good partner wants you to get a weird cramp in your wrist, and you’ll enjoy yourself way more as the giver too if you know that you don’t have to stay glued in one position until completion. Sure, they might be soaking it all up, but you’re the star of the show here.
Morse suggests playing around with your own positioning as you pleasure your partner so they can see all of you at different angles. “You can have them lie down while you sit up and pleasure them, or you can have them stand up while you sit beneath them,” she says. “There are an infinite amount of positions to try, and don’t forget the art of the tease!”
Tang says one of the hottest ways to cap off a hand job is to offer a part of your body (e.g. breasts, tummy, neck, face, or even feet) for them to cum on—if it sounds hot to you too, ofc. “And don't race for the tissues or jump straight into the shower,” she adds. “Tell them how much they turned you on. Take their penis in your hands and give it a gentle caress. Give them a deep, lingering kiss.”

Here are some fun ways to switch up your handjob technique, including the “waterfall” motion and adding a few sex toys.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist and writer with over 20 years of experience specializing in sex therapy. Her goal as a coach and as a journalist: To help you stop feeling embarrassed and start having way more fun in the bedroom. She studied human sexuality at Brown University and has been... Read more
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Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution , a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about becoming a handjob pro.
DEAR VANESSA: I have the handjob basics down, but I'm looking for some advanced techniques to take it to the next level. What do you suggest? — Needs a Hand With Handjobs, 24
DEAR NAHWH: I'm so glad to get this question because I think handjobs are criminally underrated. So many people have this idea that a person can touch their own penis better than anyone else can so bothering with them is useless, but that’s a silly reason to avoid what can be one of the most pleasurable techniques in your arsenal. Once you’ve mastered the basics, there are plenty of fun ways to take it to the next level.
First, I recommend experimenting with new hand motions. The basic up-and-down movement can work pretty well when you’re first getting started, but once you’ve figured out the pressure and speed that your partner enjoys, it’s time to explore new techniques. Here are a few to try:
You may also want to get other parts of your partner's body involved. Most people go straight for the shaft of the penis, but you can try paying attention to other areas as well. Try playing with the testicles — take them into one hand and very gently squeeze, or try very gently pulling the entire scrotum away from the body. Lightly scratch your fingertips against the skin of the scrotum. (Notice how I keep using the words “gently” and “lightly”? You want to be careful with the balls.)
You can also try playing with the perineum, which is the strip of skin between the balls and anus. This area is super sensitive, so your partner might enjoy some light stroking or pressure with your knuckle. If they're game, you may also want to try incorporating some anal play . You can gently press a fingertip against their anus or slide a finger up and down the butt crack. If they want more, make sure to add lube to your finger before gently sliding it in. Go slow and keep checking in about what feels best.
Speaking of lube, that can be another way to up your handjob game. I think lube is nonnegotiable for handjobs, but the reality is that most people just don’t use it. If you don’t already use lube, start now. It will make the act so much more enjoyable. If you already use it, try experimenting with different lubes. Silicone-based or even anal-sex-specific lubes can feel awesome with a handjob.
Another idea is to use a toy to assist with your handjob. If you have some sort of regular relationship with your handjob recipient, you could try investing in a male masturbator together. Even though these kinds of toys are called “masturbators,” they’re still a lot of fun to use together. Check out Tenga's Flip series or egg series .
In case you're still looking for a few other ideas, it's helpful to remember that the sky is the limit. For example, you could blindfold your partner while you give them a handjob — not being able to see what you’re doing can make the experience that much more exciting. Additionally, you should try edging. Get them right to the edge of an orgasm (you may have to ask that they let you k
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