How To Give A Handjob For The First Time

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How To Give A Handjob For The First Time
By Marissa Gainsburg Published: Jun 22, 2019
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"A lot of women get overly complicated with technique, which can be a little too much for him."
"It's perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay."
Marissa Gainsburg is the Features Director at Women's Health, where she oversees the magazine's news-meets-trends Warm Up section and Love & Life section. After receiving her journalism degree from the University of Florida, Marissa has spent the past eight years in NYC with her dog Bentley, writing and editing fitness, nutrition, health, sexual health, mental health, relationship, and travel content. She's held previous positions at Self, Allure, and Cosmopolitan.
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Out of all the go-to skills in your sex repertoire, giving a hand job is likely not one that you whip out often. Not because you're totally clueless about how to handle his penis, but because sometime after high school, the good ol' HJ lost its luster.
"The hand job definitely doesn't happen enough in adult bedrooms," says Vanessa Marin , a licensed sex therapist in Los Angeles. "It’s a huge shame because a hand job is a great way to bring pleasure to your partner."
The reasons are two-fold: One, he gets the opportunity to watch his sexy partner (you) take the reins on something he typically does himself. And two, when you do something that you don't engage in often, the act becomes infinitely hotter. Simply because it's novel.
"Our brains crave newness," Marin says—even for something that's totally old-school.
So here's how to give a good hand job, in case you (a) forgot, or (b) skipped that step on your way to be becoming a full-blown sex goddess...
Good sex starts with knowing what you and your partner want—and being able to talk about it. The hand job, despite its "basic" nature, is no exception.
"The easiest way to find out what works for him is to ask him how he likes to touch himself," says Holly Richmond , PhD, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage therapist with practices in L.A., New Jersey, and Portland, Oregon. "Have him show you what he does when he's on his own, and really watch."
Not only will you get a general idea of the speed and motion he uses, you'll also likely be turned on.
"For many women [and men], watching their partner masturbate is a huge turn-on," Richmond adds. And getting in the mood to give a good handy is half the battle (amirite?).
Every man and every penis is different (obvs), but for hand-job purposes, you can divide them into two camps: circumcised and uncircumcised .
Circumcised penises (a.k.a. ones that have had the foreskin removed) are used to being touched at the tip, so you may want to spend extra time on that area, Richmond says.
Uncircumcised penises, however, can be extremely sensitive around the hood (because they're not usually exposed). So with this type, you definitely want to see how aggressively he tugs on himself before you jump in. He may not pull the foreskin down much, so take note.
If you haven't figured out by now that lube makes everything better, maybe you will now.
"When you're using your hands instead of your mouth or vagina, which are wet in nature, you need lubricant to minimize friction from skin-to-skin contact," Marin explains. "The hand job will become much, much smoother and easier for you and much more enjoyable for him."
Of course, you don't have to be a total traditionalist with your hand job. "There's no reason you can't use a little bit of spit to add moisture," adds Richmond. Just know that whereas spit dries/evaporates quickly, a good lube won't.
"A big 'issue' that comes up from men is that women are too delicate with the penis," Marin says. It's not really your fault: "Since the clitoris is really sensitive, we tend to approach the penis with more sensitivity than necessary. You can be a lot firmer than you think."
Of course, you don't want to squeeze your guy so hard that his eggplant actually turns purple. So a good way to tell? "When your partner is hard, wrap your hand around his penis and gradually increase the pressure. As you do so, have him tell you when it’s too much," suggests Marin.
You'll very likely be surprised by how much pressure he actually wants.
Chances are, your guy is used to getting himself off with a pretty straightforward up-and-down motion. (I mean, he's been doing this since, what, age 11? He's got it down pat.)
So when you're giving him a hand job, simple is better. "A lot of women get overly complicated with technique," Marin says, "which can be a little too much for him."
Her advice: Switch things up a bit every minute-ish. That doesn't mean stop what you're doing and restart with an entirely different type of touch, but "make a slight tweak, like using a little more pressure or going a little slower or faster," she says.
Have two or three different techniques that you can alternate, and gradually transition between them.
For example, try cupping your whole hand around the base of his penis and doing a slight twisting motion (again, with lube!) as you move his shaft up and down. Then switch to sliding just your thumb and pointer finger (imagine the "okay" hand signal) up and down his penis, faster.
Speaking of technique, one way to make him finish fast (that is sorta the goal when your arms get tired, right?) is to bring both hands to the penis party.
"He's most likely used to just using one main hand when he masturbates, so if you use two, you're adding excitement and stimulation right off the bat," Richmond notes.
Plus, using two hands shows you're really, uh, invested in giving a good performance. "He will be much more into the hand job if he can easily tell that you are, too," says Marin. (True words.)
By this, I mean (mostly) his balls.
"Don't leave the balls out of it, unless you know he's not into ball play," Marin says. Balls are usually pretty simple: "Either cradle them softly in one hand, rub your fingers around them, or lightly stroke the area in between the two testicles, which is super-sensitive."
You could also try spreading your hand so that you grasp his balls between your fingers (do. not. squeeze.) or grazing a finger from the top of his ballsack down, she adds.
And don't stop there: "The area between his penis and anus, the perineum, has tons of nerve endings, so you can touch there, too," Richmond says. He could also like a little butt action —but always ask first. Never ass-ume (heh).
For circumcised penises, stroking the area where his head meets his shaft, as well as the very tip, can be extremely stimulating for him, as well. Again, focus your attention where he does himself and you're good.
When one (or both) of you is naked, verbalizing when something doesn't feel good can be awkward, if not downright awful. But communicating about what you don't like is super important—especially in the case of a hand job, when you could actually cause him some pain.
Ideally, your partner will tell you when he's uncomfortable or just not into something, but either way, "pay attention to his body language, which will tell you everything about how it feels," says Richmond. That includes his facial expressions, (happy) moans, pace of breath, and—the obvious—strength of his erection.
In case you were wondering, "it's perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay," Richmond continues. "We all want to be touched—it creates an opportunity for a whole new level of intimacy."
So there you have it, folks: A good hand job is finally in your, ahem, hands...and hopefully will be for the rest of your adult life.
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Ah, hand stuff. It’s likely to be the first sexual thing you try (I still remember the thrill of quietly getting fingered on my mate’s bedroom floor during a sleepover in Year 11), but after a while, it can feel pretty basic next to ‘going all the way’. 
"When we’re speaking about having sex for the first time, we go through ‘the bases’, that idea of your hands or fingering or giving a handjob is the first thing you do," sex educator Georgia Grace tells The Hook Up.
But your hands are unsung heroes when it comes to sex, and you can be doing so much more with them.
“When we start to have sex more and more and now that we’ve moved out of that very linear understanding of the bases, we need to come back to how much we can do and feel with our hands,” Georgia says.
So here are the hot (finger)tips you need, c/o The Hook Up xx
First thing’s first: make like a chef and WASH YOUR HANDS, coz you’ve got a job to do - a hand job. Everyone likes clean hands, without open cuts or scratches, and if you’re playing with a vulva, trim those fingernails.
If you want to get a grip on the best handjob technique, the first thing to do is use your mouth - by talking (you can use it in other ways later).
“The easiest way to figure out if you’re good at giving handjobs is to ask,” Georgia says. 
“To say, ‘hey, how is this touch?’ ‘are you enjoying this?’ what could make this even better?’”
Remember that you’re essentially pleasuring someone in a very similar way to how they pleasure themselves, so ask them for a demo .
“Another easy tip is to watch and learn. If it feels comfortable, you can ask your partner to masturbate and show you exactly how they like to touch or stimulate their genitals. Of course it might be different when you do it, you might need to slow down or be a bit softer but at least you can get a sense of the style, or the technique or the rhythm that they like,” Georgia says.
So you’re ready to start. First of all, get in a good position , one where your arms aren’t going to get too tired too quickly from pumping. Sometimes changing hands mid-act can be distracting and take your partner out of the moment, sometimes it can feel good. Make sure you get that feedback from them. 
“ Listen for their cues , if they’re moaning or groaning, or responding to how you’re touching them, then go with that,” Georgia says.
Georgia also says it’s important to adapt to your partner’s penis and their individual anatomy.
“Don’t move your hands in a way you think a penis should go. If there’s a slight curve or bend, follow that, if their foreskin is slightly longer, move with that, don’t pull it right back.”
“Keep with some motions or some rhythm rather than just tugging or throbbing. Get some fluid non-jerky motions into it.”
When it comes to pressure, Georgia says apply as much as you would when holding a glass of water. You can then grip more loosely or tightly from there, depending on how they like it, and up the pressure and speed gently as they become more aroused.
Don’t be afraid to use both hands , or put your other hand to work stimulating the rest of the body.
“You could massage, tickle, cup the balls, you could slide your hand under their bum, so it’s resting, or you’re pressing your palm up against their perineum (a.k.a. the taint), you could also massage the outside of their anus. You could stimulate nipples, ears, neck, any other part of their body to make it more dynamic,” Georgia says.
And don’t forget to use lube . Lube always makes it better.
When it comes to fingerbanging, there’s SO much you can do. 
As with the wristy, best place to start is a convo. Ask what your partner what they like and how they like it. Then...
“ Start by touching the whole body , the breasts, the chest space, the stomach or inbetween the thighs,” Georgia reckons.
Once there’s some arousal happening, move your hands down to the genitals.
“You can place your hand or put your whole palm or start cupping the vulva and moving that sensation or that stroke up towards the belly or the bum.” 
Hot tip: don’t go straight for the clitoris , build up to it , by stroking the inner and outer labia, urethral opening or Skene’s glands (more on those here ). Then, it’s clit o’clock.
Georgia says to try circular motions, and apparently 2 o’clock (or the slightly up and to the person’s left side) around the clitoris is the sweet spot.
But also remember: “For many people, it’s way too sensitive to stimulate the clitoris at all.”
Then work with internal stimulation. Try a finger, or two or three , the whole hand if they’re feeling it. Using lube is always great.
You can hook your fingers up in a ‘come here’ motion , stroking towards the belly. When you feel a rough, ridgy patch that swells with arousal, you’ve found the g-spot.
You can try the ‘windscreen wiper’ across the g-spot , and the other motion is the barrel roll, moving your fingers in a circular motion around the vaginal canal.
Do things with your palm too, rest it on their clit, and don’t be afraid to use both hands.
“There are so many ways to stimulate the anus,” Georgia says.
“There’s the doorbell, so putting the pad of your thumb on the anus and pressing down on it so that can wake up the anus but there’s no fear that it will slip in or get sucked in.”
“Then there’s the ‘spider’ so that’s using your fingertips to move around the anus and inside of the anus.”
“Then you can use the side of your hand in between the bum cheeks” (a move I’m calling the ‘credit card’)
Don’t forget you can also use your hands to explore the whole body. 
Try massage, masturbating yourself while playing with your partner, or mutual masturbation for some extra fun.
Remember, with all things sex, it’s not a race, and orgasm isn’t the only goal. You can heaps of fun without finishing.
“People just go way too hard and way too fast, and it’s really with all things to do with sex, we just need to slow down, and touching people in a way you think they’ll like rather than in a way you know they’ll like or that they’ve told you they like,” Georgia says.
And don’t be scared of asking your partner what they want, and be receptive to your lover’s directions.
“People can get a bit insecure when people ask them to do something, it can be a bit of a defense against being told what to do, but if someone’s asking for a certain kind of touch and you’re willing and consenting and happy to be there, intend to meet that request in the best way you can, because that’s really how you will start to give really great hand pleasure.”
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It’s time to make the hand job great again.
Once upon a time, the classic hand job was merely one of the first bases toward penetrative sex . That was back when penetration was basically the definition of intimacy and we, for some reason, spoke in baseball metaphors. But the days of handies being considered a stepping stone (or plate, if you will) instead of the main event are officially over, and learning how to give a hand job—like a good hand job—isn’t nearly as meet-me-under-the-bleachers-after-study-hall as you might think.
Now granted, if you view hand jobs as juvenile, then that’s exactly what they’ll be, explains sexologist Malika O’Neill , founder and CEO of The Pleasure Collective . But that’s why you’ve gotta change your perspective, she says. And according to sex therapist, coach, and founder of Modern Intimacy , Kate Balestrieri, PsyD , manual stimulation (which is the more formal definition of a handy), is an important part of erotic play for all ages.
“Using your hands allows you to stimulate your partner’s penis with movements and sensations that penetration cannot replicate,” Dr. Balestrieri says. “They are totally different experiences.” Plus focusing solely on your partner’s pleasure every once in a while is an A+ way to connect and pamper.
But before you just grumble and half-heartedly grab your partner’s genitals, certified sexologist Sara Tang says it's important to reframe your mindset. If you literally view the act as a “job,” that’s what it’s going to feel like. “Take a playful approach, instead of a goal-oriented or task-focused one," she explains. While you NEVER have to give anyone manual sex—and you can always stop if you want—if you do decide to engage in some manual partner play, put some heart in it.
Ultimately, incorporating handies into your sexual routine can be exciting and pleasurable for both partners. So, if you're game, here are 30 of the best, expert-recommended hand job tips out there. Grab a bottle of lube and get ready to go a lil old school.
It doesn't matter what type of sex you're having—eye contact is like an all-encompassing sexual secret weapon. "Checking in with your partner through eye contact tells them you are connected with them [and] their pleasure," explains Dr. Balestrieri. "[That] you're attuned, invested." We don't mean have a staring competition with your playmate, but long, lingering glances and a few smoldering looks will go a long way during a HJ. Plus it's très hot to l
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