How To Get Your Wife To Do Anal

How To Get Your Wife To Do Anal
by The Editors of Men's Health Published: Jan 22, 2016
The editors of Men's Health are your personal conduit to the top experts in the world on all things important to men: health, fitness, style, sex, and more.
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Plus, a sex researcher explains the four keys to helping her enjoy it as much as you do
More and more ladies are putting a welcome mat by the back door: 36 percent of women and 42 percent of men have tried anal sex , according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Butt play has been around since the dawn of time, but it’s become more common over the last 20 or 30 years as the stigma has disappeared, says Kimberly McBride, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Toledo.
Now that Maya Rudolph has screamed about anal bleaching on Bridesmaids and thousands of free anal clips are available on PornHub, more people are interested in testing the waters, she says.
Still, not everyone who tries it makes it a regular part of their sex lives. Only 8 percent of women have had anal in the last month, according to a study from Indiana University.
“A lot of women say that it’s a special occasion thing,” McBride says. “They’ll only do it on his birthday or Valentine’s Day.”
But here’s a little secret: It doesn’t have to be a favor on her part.
“The anus is rich in nerve endings,” says McBride. “If you do it right, it can be a really pleasurable experience for her.”
Follow these steps, and she may be the one to ask for it next time.
This may seem painfully obvious, but McBride says she constantly hears from women who say their guys just ram it in, or claim that “it slipped.” If she’s not relaxed and ready (see Step 2), it’ll just be painful for her.
Ask her if she’s up for trying anal—and hash out any concerns—before you hop into bed, McBride says. Of course, if she’s not into it, you have to respect that.
If she’s game, don’t take it as a blanket approval to go for it anytime you’re fooling around. Check in with her in the moment to see if she’s in the mood for anal.
The anus can be an uncomfortable place to be touched at first. To help her get used to it, start with light butt play before you try penetration, says McBride.
For example, one night you can try just putting a finger or a vibrator on the outside of her anus. (We recommend one of this rechargable vibrator from the Men's Health store.) Another night, lube up a finger and gently insert it. Or experiment with butt plugs.
When you’re both ready to try the real thing, there are two things you need to know about the booty, says McBride.
Two: It’s very sensitive to tearing.
These two facts make it absolutely essential to use lube, and plenty of it.
This organic lubricant from the Men's Health store is a great all-purpose choice.
Despite what you see in porn , thrusting too deeply, too quickly, or too vigorously will just hurt her.
Your best bet: Let her control the depth and speed of penetration, says McBride. You can let her climb on top for a dirty variation of the cowgirl position, do it missionary with her hands guiding your hips, or doggy style with her in charge of backing it up.
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Despite there being a healthy renaissance for butt play in recent years, backdoor entry is still a deal-breaker for many women — a no-way, no-how, entirely off-limits scenario. Still, more than a third of women (36.3 percent) surveyed in a 2015 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported having tried anal sex ; 13.2 percent reported having had it within the past 12 months.
For some women, like me, anal sex can be a mind-blowing addition to the bedroom . Until recently, I’d never had an orgasm from anal sex alone. Anal sex has always been a welcome precursor to vaginal penetration and other below-the-belt play. The most intense orgasms I’ve had — ever — have involved some combo of simultaneous vaginal penetration, clit stimulation, and ass play.
The key, for me, is to have a patient partner — one whom I trust. Oh, and plenty of lube. The anus isn’t self-lubricating, and the sphincter needs to be relaxed before you insert anything into it. For me to engage in anal sex, I need to be fully relaxed, lubed, and ready. And even then, sometimes the equipment isn’t, umm, compatible. Usually, I’d say you can never have too much of a good thing, but size can be an issue.
Anne Hodder, ACS, a multi-certified sex and relationships educator, says a successful anal experience is most often the result of communication, relaxation, preparation, lubrication, and (at least initially) gentle stimulation. “Anal is something you and your partner should discuss and plan for while sober and clothed,” she says. “Discuss expectations and concerns.”
Here are my top 25 tips on how to enjoy anal sex :
It needs to be a “hell yes.” Like anything in life, if the idea of anal sex doesn’t inspire an enthusiastic “hell yes” you probably shouldn’t do it. If someone has to convince you to do something, say no.
There needs to be a solid level of trust. For me, anal sex requires a higher level of trust than vaginal sex. I’ve rarely had painful vaginal penetration, but there have been a few less-than-memorable mishaps with an overzealous penis and my ass. I’m not letting a penis or strap-on get near my backside unless I trust that you’ll wield it responsibly.
If you “accidentally” slip it in, you’re an asshole. There are these concepts called consent and communication. Accidental anal is not OK.
Let go of any expectations. Instead of immediately focusing on full penetration, try to be as present as possible, and enjoy the buildup and arousal. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to make it happen. And sometimes, anatomy doesn’t fit, or it’s painful for the receiving partner.
Your butt is beautiful. If you’re going to let someone stick their dick or strap-on in your backside, you’re going to have to relax about how it looks. It may not be your most favorite body part, but the reality is that someone will be looking at it, they may be licking it, and if all goes as planned, penetrating it. All butts are beautiful.
Relax. I know, I know — this is easier said than done. If you’re nervous, take a few deep breaths. Like you mean it deep breaths. A calm mind will hopefully set your ass at ease.
Slow and low is the tempo. I cannot emphasize this enough. Go as slow as you need. And if something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s OK to stop and start again. I’ve learned things go more smoothly the slower I go because I’m not triggered to clench or clamp down from worry or discomfort.
Start small. Instead of going for the biggest dildo in your bedside arsenal, start with something small, like a single (lubed) finger, and work your way up.
This bullet vibrator’s small and compact shape makes it a great toy to use as you start out.
Communication is key. Your partner may be fan-freaking-tastic, but they are by no means a mind reader. It helps to have a conversation before you have butt sex for the first time. And if you’re in the throes of it, if you want more or less of something, use your words and speak up.
Use silicone lube (and don’t skimp). The anus is much tighter than the vagina, and it doesn’t naturally self-lubricate like the vagina does — no matter how turned on you are. Thick, silicone lubes tend to be longer-lasting and make for a smoother sailing backdoor situation. The wetter, the better. Always.
Unless you’re using silicone toys… This is a pretty simple rule of thumb: If you’re using silicone toys, use a water-based lube, since silicone-based lubes can break down toys and make them gummy and gross (like material doesn’t like like material).
And definitely, don’t use a numbing lube. Desensitizing lubes aren’t inherently harmful, but the anus consists of thin, sensitive tissues, so tears and irritation are more prevalent. I want my body to be able to signal if something isn’t right.
Go shallow at first. Whether it’s with a toy or finger, go shallow at first when penetrating someone’s anus. I know, the impulse is to get in there — all the way in there — but take it easy, tiger, before you deep dive.
The position can make all the difference. Many positions are anal sex-friendly, and some are better than others. Doggy style, spooning, and the standard missionary position are best.
Don’t make any sudden movements. Sometimes it’s nice to add an element of surprise to your sex life, but not when you’re being penetrated anally. It’s not only painful; someone could legit get hurt.
Invest in a quality butt plug. If you’re brand new to anal play , I strongly suggest playing with a butt plug prior penetrative anal sex with a penis or strap-on dildo. (You can do this by yourself or with a partner.) It will get you used to the sensation of being “filled,” as well as help relax the sphincter.
Hot Octopuss has a ton of innovative sex toys for everyone, like this flexible butt plug that’s remote controlled for hands-free play. For beginners though we recommend this quality butt plug whose miniature size is great for beginners. The smooth, narrow tip along with its stainless steel design allows for easy and controlled penetration.
Avoid ass to mouth play (ATM). If you’re a vulva owner, the potential transfer of bacteria from the anus to the vagina should be a concern. If you are moving from anus to vagina, switch condoms, or be sure to clean your penis or strap-on thoroughly.
Don’t overlook analingus. Before you yuck this popular yum, please know that a lot of people find having their anus licked to be a very pleasurable experience. The anus is full of all sorts of ultra-sensitive nerve endings, especially around the entry, that can get the blood flowing to all the right places.
The prostate is a magical source of pleasure. For the penetrating penis, the anus is very tight, which can feel amazing. There’s a lot of pleasure on the receiving end too, thanks to the prostate. Here’s how to find it, stimulate it, and make it super happy.
Steer clear of comparisons. Anal sex enthusiasts shouldn’t compare themselves to the porn they watch. “Keep in mind, when we make porn, we need to show actual penetration, which means we have to open up for the camera and get fucked with big things. This doesn’t always feel great,” says Lance Hart . Brooklyn Chase adds, “In porn, prep for an anal scene includes a lengthy and unpleasant routine of enemas, very little food, and anti-diarrhea medicines.”
It may be a messy event. If there’s stool in your rectum, there may be some leakage. If you’re worried, you can try to empty the pipes before sex or give yourself an enema. Seriously though, you’re sticking stuff in the superpoop highway, and stray turds are a risk you take. It’s really NBD.
A washable throw is your friend. I hate doing laundry, so if I’m going to have potentially messy sex, I pull out my washable, waterproof throw . It works perfectly on top of sheets, sofas, or any other sex-friendly surface, and can easily be thrown in the washer.
It’s OK to hit stop or pause at any point. Consent can be revoked or renegotiated at any time. A lot of people don’t understand that you can be in the middle of an act with somebody — like anal sex — and can put a full-stop on it, at any time, even if you’ve said, “Yes, I want to do this.”
If at first you don’t love anal, give it a second chance. I had some awful anal sex experiences early in my sexual career. For a while, it was off my between-the-sheets menu, and I’m damn glad I gave it a second chance. Not all penises, strap-ons, and partners are created equal, and it took me some time to find the perfect fit. I’m all for sexual agency, but sometimes, some things are worth a second glance.
A version of this story was published June 2019.
Looking for even more adventurous sex positions. Check out our bucket list for 69 (nice) options:
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by Dr. Debby Herbenick Published: Jan 26, 2010
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Dear Debby, my wife loves to
receive oral sex (and give more than usual lately) and lately she seems to like
having her anus touched. I am all for helping her get off and I have no problem
rubbing her rim with a finger while I am down on her. My question is about if
she wants me to take it further and to slip a finger inside her anus or not.
She seems to press (or thrust) toward my finger when I do this but without her
asking me to do it I feel a little uneasy without her permission to go ahead.
She has asked me to lick her there when we are having a really heated sex
session and she really (and I mean really) seems to enjoy it. I have asked her
if she would like to try anal sex and she just kind of laughs it off without
talking about it. Should I just lube a finger and slowly take her to the next
level or wait for her to ask for it like she did with the licking?
Another question is while she is giving me head she slides her hand down and
touches everywhere but my anus and I love the feel of it. I think she would
like to touch it but may be waiting for me to tell her it is OK. I am ready for
her to go there, so is it okay for a man to want his Wife to touch his anus? Thanks.
Great questions! You and your
wife sound like you have a comfortable, explorative, experimental sex life
which means that you are likely to keep things exciting for some time. Good for
you.
As for how to deal with this
issue of teetering on the edge of anal exploration, I would strongly encourage
you to try talking with her about it. It doesn’t have to be a serious or
daunting conversation. Try a lighthearted approach by saying some time, when
you are not in the middle of sex and when you are feeling relaxed and have time
to talk (say, after a favorite show is over and after you’ve just had sex) that
you love your sex life and are enjoying exploring each others’ bodies. Let her
know that you find it hot that she really gets into sex and is comfortable
asking you to explore with a little anal play. Try saying, in your own words,
that you’ve been wondering if she’d enjoy a little finger play down there as
well, and that you’d considered lubing up your finger and slipping it inside
her some time but that you worried about taking her off guard or ruining the
moment if it wasn’t something she wanted.
Because this conversation may be new
to you, and it can involve words and phrases like “anus” and “anal play” (which
not everyone has a lot of experience talking about with a partner, it may feel
a little tricky at first to bring up. But, either way, it’s likely to improve your sex
life. If she says she’s not into it, then cool – now you know and you might add
that if she ever changes her mind, she can feel free to let you know and you’d
be game to pleasuring her that way. And if she is into it, then cool! Using a
little water based lubricant will be helpful ( Good Clean Love and Just Like Me lubricants are, I think, particularly well suited for either vaginal or anal sex) as might
slipping a condom over your finger prior to lubing things up. If you don’t use
a condom, make sure to wash your finger before putting it anywhere else such as
her mouth or vagina. You might keep a damp towel near
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