How To Get A Quiet Guy To Talk
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How To Get A Quiet Guy To Talk
If the man in your life continues to have difficulty sharing his thoughts and feelings despite your attempts to be elicit them, suggest that he consider working with a counselor or therapist.
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Because verbal communication is one of the most important skills used by humans to express their thoughts and feelings, it may be difficult to attempt to communicate with people who tend to be quiet. Although research seems to support gender differences in emotional expression, quiet men have feelings and opinions that are just as strong as those of their female counterparts. You can encourage a quiet man to express his thoughts and feelings by honing your own communication skills.
Express your own thoughts and feelings in a non-confrontational manner. One of the worst approaches to getting a quiet man to be expressive is to focus your discussion on his demeanor, which may make him defensive. Defensiveness, in this context, is a means of self-preservation and defending one's emotions. Instead of making a conversation awkward by insisting that your man share what he's thinking or feeling, ease his discomfort by leading through example. Over time and with practice, you may find that calmly asking a quiet man what he thinks about something can help him feel less defensive.
Pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal communication. A man may speak volumes with non-verbal communication. Researchers at Penn State University found that men tend to provide more subtle non-verbal cues than women. For a man who is not verbally expressive, pay particular attention to his nonverbal reactions and behaviors. Cues such as distance from you, closed posture (such as folded arms) and a tendency to look down tell you that the topic is making him feel like he needs to defend his feelings.
Keep conversations between you and your quiet man private. There is perhaps nothing more potentially damaging than sharing a person's intimate thoughts and feelings with other people. For a man with a quiet nature who has felt comfortable enough to have challenging conversations, it's important to make it clear that what he shares with you isn't shared with anyone else. This is especially important if you are the type of person who bounces issues and ideas off friends.
Implement techniques of active listening when your quiet man is speaking to you. Active listening, an approach to counseling made popular by Carl Rogers, involves skills such as clarifying what is stated, reflecting back what the other person has said and remaining nonjudgmental and positive. This approach can be effective in facilitating communication and can make a more reserved man feel less defensive. Active listening forces you to hear every word that is being said, rather than sifting through a conversation, perhaps missing important nuances.
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Maura Banar has been a professional writer since 2001 and is a psychotherapist. Her work has appeared in "Imagination, Cognition and Personality" and "Dreaming: The Journal of the International Association for the Study of Dreams." Banar received her Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Buffalo State College and her Master of Arts in mental health counseling from Medaille College.
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Start saying "hello" on a regular basis. If you rush up to a quiet-type and start peppering him with a million questions, you're more likely to get a blank stare and a bunch of one-word answers than a good conversation. Ease into it. When you see a shy guy, start saying "Hello" as you pass in the hallway. Smile, give a little wave, and know that you're making progress.
Start using his name when you say hi. While it might seem like a little thing, it'll mean a lot for him to know that you know it.
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Use open body language. Open body language means you've got your head up, your shoulders back, and your limbs uncrossed, suggesting that you're willing to talk and open to listen. [2]
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Shyer types will be much more likely to open up a little bit and mirror your body language and behavior, so it's a good idea to try to adopt open body language to help out the process.
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try to figure out what his interests are. Shy guys will have an easier time talking about things outside of themselves. Music, sports, movies, books, even the weather, are all better topics for a shy guy than to try to prod him into talking about himself. So, asking, "What'd you think of Walking Dead?" will be a way better question than, "How was your weekend?" [3]
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Check out Facebook, if you can, or other social networking. Notice a guy taking lots of pictures of his pet dog? Strike up a convo about dogs. If you're not sure what a particular guy is into, try finding out from someone else. Talk to his friends.
Talk about something you know you have in common, if you know something. If you both are in class together, talk to him about the teacher that you have, or a particular book you're reading for class, or an assignment.
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Keep your interactions brief. Often, shy guys get nervous when conversations last more than a little while, because they're scared of messing up, saying something dumb, or drawing a blank when it's their turn to say something. Don't force the issue, especially at first, by keeping your conversations short.
Start by saying "Hi" regularly, then have a quick exchange or two about something. Talk about that assignment by asking a question. When you get the answer, just say, "Yeah, totally. Good luck next week. Good talking to you!" and leave it at that.
It's good to end on something positive, like, "Good talking to you!" or "Talk to you later!" Often, shy people will have the feeling that they "messed up" every time they speak. So it's good to leave off with a positive.
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Go slowly. Lots of quieter types are perfectly communicative and articulate, but struggle to interject in louder or faster types of conversation styles. Just as speaking very quickly isn't a sign that someone is saying anything interesting, speaking very slowly isn't a sign of simplicity. Wait out his pauses and go more slowly than you might be used to. [4]
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Quieter, introverted types of guys are unlikely to be engaged by motormouths. If you tend to fill silences with lots of talking, try to chill out a little bit. Take a deep breath, and create a calming presence to be around. Shy guys will have an easier time speaking to someone like them. [5]
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Be yourself. Whether you're shy or super-extroverted, funny or somber, sporty or dorky, the only way to get to know someone better is to be yourself. Even if you don't have the same interests as this shy guy, you shouldn't pretend that you do, just to get to know him better.
It's a common misconception that all quiet guys want is to start talking about themselves, anyway. You don't have to pretend. Talk about yourself, as well. Shy guys, if they're worth getting to know, will be happy to listen as well.
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Talk to him one-on-one. It's much easier to talk to a quiet or shy person one-on-one, compared to a larger group. Don't try to talk to this guy when you're with three of your friends, or at a big lunch table, or in class. Wait until you've got a minute in private to talk to one another, and you'll probably find him much more willing to talk at length.
A great time to have a quick one-on-one conversation is during passing period. You can be "alone" in the hallway, even though there are people around. The bus is another good chance to have a talk. Sit next to the guy you want to talk to.
Speak softly. If you've identified someone as being shy, he probably doesn't want a big audience listening in on his conversations. Talk to shy guys in private, using a quiet speaking voice.
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Ask open-ended questions. If a guy is shy and you ask a closed question–a question with a yes or no answer–you're going to get a one-word answer almost every time. Learn to ask specific and engaging questions if you want to draw someone out and give them something to talk about.
Make your questions specific. "How's your day?" doesn't give someone much more to say than "Fine." Instead, ask a particular question based on his interests, or on something you have in common: "Mr. McGurk totally ripped into our group project today. What did he say to you guys?"
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Look for something you have in common. As you're gradually talking to this guy, try to find something that you have in common and can talk about. Even if it's not big, having some common ground or common attitudes to share will help make conversation much easier.
It can be a little thing. Talk about pets. Talk about siblings. Talk about where you want to go this summer. Talk about bands you like, or bands you don't like.
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Be a good listener . It's important to practice good listening habits any time you're having a conversation, shy guy or no. Make eye contact while you're talking, showing that you're listening to what he says. Summarize what he's said after he says it, or respond to it in some way, to show that you're listening. [6]
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Don't just wait for your turn to speak in a conversation. Listen closely to what is being said. try to get a sense of his attitude and his feelings about a particular topic based on how he says things.
Nod along as he's talking to encourage him. If you just stare at the ground, or look skeptical, he may think what he's saying is "dumb" or "wrong," and want to stop talking.
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Follow up on old conversations. Often, the second conversation is more difficult than the first. Lots of times, shy guys are afraid of starting conversations, because they're afraid you'll have forgotten what you talked about next time, or don't remember talking, or that you don't want to talk. Make an effort to remember what was said previously and follow up on the conversation.
If you talked about sports last time, try to follow up with something like, "Manning really blew it this weekend, huh? What happened?" It's also a good idea to try to find something new. Don't just get stuck on sports.
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Share silence together. Awkward silences don't need to be awkward every time. Sometimes, shy guys won't have a whole lot to say, and you don't have to stretch to fill the silence with a bunch of talking. If it gets quiet, it gets quiet. Just sit together for a while and think of things to say. No big deal. [7]
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Don't acknowledge awkward silence by saying, "Well this is awkward." What's someone supposed to say to that?
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