How To Foreplay

How To Foreplay

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It's all about building anticipation.
What is foreplay? Well, it's a broad term for the tantalizing, PLAYful activities that people engage in beFORE sex. And while it's commonly accepted that foreplay should happen before intercourse, the questions of whether it does happen, how long it typically lasts, and how to spice it up and how to master foreplay are another story. There's actually lots of creative things to do in bed , and many have nothing to do with what many heterosexual couples consider "the main event" (meaning, penetrative sex).
A 2017 survey of 52,588 people, aiming to identify differences in orgasm frequency across sexual orientations, reported that "women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse." Only 65 percent of the heterosexual women surveyed said they "usually-always" orgasmed during a sexual encounter, compared with 66 percent of bisexual women, and 86 percent of lesbian women.
While that doesn't exactly prove that heterosexual women aren't getting enough pre-penetration attention, it's further evidence that lavishing your partner with it adds up to way more fun for couples. Here, three experts share their best foreplay tips and ideas for a more satisfying sexual encounter.
If you spend a few cursory minutes on foreplay, rushing through like it's a plate of raw vegetables to nibble on before the meaty main course is served, your partner won't just feel cheated—they'll be able to tell you're not into it, which is a libido killer .
Layla Martin, sex expert and author of Wild Woman in the Bedroom , says the best kind of foreplay puts the emphasis on "play," setting aside intercourse as the goal. " If you are touching or seducing your partner and you're thinking, 'I’m just doing this so we can have sex,' she’s going to feel that. It’s not going to be sexy, and can even shut her down."
Instead, Martin recommends staying as in-the-moment as possible, taking delight in her pleasure and the sensations you're both feeling. "It’s counterintuitive, especially because we call it 'foreplay,'" she adds, "but the sexiest things happen when you aren’t thinking about the future."
Washing that sink full of pans may lead to more bedroom fun. "Foreplay happens in every moment of connection that occurs between you and your partner, from the moment you wake up," says Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO toys . Tanner believes that anything that impacts our minds has the potential to impact our sex life.
"While they may not seem to be connected, helping your partner with laundry or offering to do the dishes may be the most helpful thing you can do to make way for intimacy," she says. "Anything that takes something off your partner’s plate, and supports their general sense of relaxation, goes a long way when it comes time for sex."
Paying your sexual partner sincere compliments will let you know how much you appreciate her, and that might make her feel sexier before your clothes even hit the floor. Martin suggests "telling her how much you desire her," and how beautiful she is. Knowing that you don't just want to have sex, you want to have sex with her is a turn-on for many women (don't you enjoy feeling desired, too?)
Though it may sound shallow, "Let them know you want them as soon you walk in the door by complimenting the way they look: 'You’re even hotter tonight than when I left this morning,'" says sexologist Jess O'Reilly, PhD, host of the Drive Her Wild With Pleasure video course. "And be clear that your craving is rooted in just how desirable they are: 'I want you, and nothing else will do.'"
Have a hard time finding your words? O'Reilly suggests sending a text during the day, such as "I can't stop thinking about you."
You can always become a better lover, but you're not a mind-reader. In addition to paying attention to what she responds to, asking is the best way to know what gets her motor running.
"The number one key to being excellent at foreplay is communication," Martin says. "Many partners assume that all women are turned on by touch, or direct sexual play, but not every women would list that as their first choice."
After a stressful day full of obligations to others (work, kids, family, you name it), getting intimate may be the furthest thing from her mind. Help her move into a different headspace with a *pressure-free* decompression session.
Does she love ? Light 'em up. Is a soak in order? Draw her a . "If relaxation is foreplay for her, offering her a sensual massage could be a huge turn-on," Martin says.
If you haven't heard of breathwork, it's defined as "conscious, controlled breathing done especially for relaxation, meditation, or therapeutic purposes." It can help your partner (and you, if you're game to try) to reconnect with her body amid life's stressors and distractions.
"It might sound strange to do breathwork as foreplay, but I’ve taught about 10,000 women how to use it as a way to get excited for sex," says Martin. "It’s extremely effective because it takes them out of their thinking, controlling, judging, and planning mind, and puts them into their feeling, connecting and sensing mind—which is the path to amazing sex for most women."
Maybe (non-dirty) talk sounds less than erotic to you, but it can bring the two of you closer with surprising results. "Feeling intimately connected can be the sexiest foreplay for some women," Martin explains. Her work with clients involves "a communication practice where they honestly share their desires, their fears and what they love about their partner. "Hundreds of couples have told me this is the best foreplay they have ever tried."
Remember the first time the two of you kissed? If you do, you know that kisses are the ultimate chemistry test, and one of the quickest ways to connect with your sex partner.
O'Reilly recommends a simple yet intense makeout session. "Kiss with passion as you press your entire body against theirs. Allow yourself to really feel the full-body contact, paying attention to the pressure, textures, temperature, and contours of your bodies."
Hovering your mouth this close to her skin will build anticipation, O'Reilly advises, or try licking her in a sensitive spot and breathing warm air over the slick path you've created.
" Start at their collarbone and change your breath patterns to experiment with temperature. A wide-open mouth should create warm air, and pursed lips can create cool air," she says. "Work your way down around the sides of their breasts. Tease over their nipples and beneath their breasts." S-l-o-o-o-w is the key here—unless she asks you to speed up, and take your time as you move down to between her legs, "continuing to use breath kisses to draw awareness to every square inch of their body."
For another way to amp up the anticipation, O'Reilly says to "use the backs of your hands in order to slow down and build arousal. Don’t feel the need to grab, knead or apply pressure right away. Instead, use feather-light touch.
"Use your fingers, palms, tongue, toys and lips to slither, lick and kiss all around their inner thighs without diving in between their legs," O'Reilly instructs. "Hover your mouth over their lips and clit to build desire, and make them ache for more."
This method of O'Reilly's isn't super complex, but it's also about taking it slow—so let's break it down into steps:
In this hands-on technique of O'Reilly's, press your flat open palm over their vaginal lips, lengthwise. Then, "Open your fingers to form a W (or a V), and slide up and down as you open and close your fingers. Use lots of lube so that you can slide around and increase the pressure as their arousal builds."
"Starting at their head, work your way down the back of their body, changing the strokes, pressure, moisture and movement across the entire surface of their skin," O'Reilly says. "Once you’ve touched every inch of their back side, roll them over and kiss, touch, caress, and lick from head to toe on the other side before diving down between their legs."
Even if she doesn't have a mind-blowing climax afterward (and good sex isn't defined by achieving one), she'll walk—or blissfully roll—away feeling flushed and worshipped.
"That old saying, 'you want what you can’t have,' can apply to foreplay," says Tanner. First, set a five-minute timer. Then, tell your partner they’re not allowed to touch you back until it goes off. "Meanwhile, use your mouth and hands to kiss and tease your way around their erogenous zones, without staying in one place for too long," Tanner explains.
Tanner suggests blindfolding your partner—if they seem into the idea, of course!—in order to heighten their other senses. "Then, alternate using your lips, tongue, fingers, or a toy on different parts of their body," she says. You can take the play a step further with a sensual game, in which they guess what part or object is touching their body.
"Introduce temperature play by incorporating an ice cube or warm towel," Tanner adds. To set the mood, "surprise them with a tailor-made sexy playlist , or incorporate audio erotica into your repertoire."
After years in a relationship, it's easy to fall into a rut—and research suggests that trying new activities can help rekindle your passion. Tanner suggests experimenting with when and where you get sexy, too.
"Introduce variety by changing the context in which you initiate foreplay," she says. "If you typically wait until you’re in bed in the evening, try some morning foreplay in the kitchen. If your usual MO is foreplay while laying down, surprise them by dropping to your knees and teasing them while they stand."
A great vibrator can take a woman's arousal from 0 to 100 in as many seconds, and there are so many exciting toys for couples to try together before (and during) intercourse. You can even get both of you going before you're even in the same room together by giving her a panty vibrator or another toy that one partner can wear while the other operates it via remote-control or app. Tanner recommends LELO's Tiana 3 couples' massager.
"Whether you’re at a restaurant or in two different rooms of the same home, you'll find connection and intimacy in this secret form of foreplay," Tanner says.
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Fact: Foreplay is awesome, and both men and women love it. Extend the fun for as long as you both can handle it.
Fact: Foreplay is awesome, and both men and women love it. Separate fact: Before any strenuous physical activity, it's important to be properly warmed up. So why not extend the pre-intercourse fun for as long as you can? There are lots of sexy things that will make what comes after even better . For inspiration, we turned to real guys about what gets them ready to go.
"When she wants to remind me of how sexy she is, she makes sure I see her undress. After raising her skirt above her thighs, she removes her stockings, running her hands along her calves as she pulls them down. Then she slowly unbuttons her blouse, giving me sexy looks between each button. Finally, she undoes her bra and cups her breasts as the straps fall off her shoulders. It makes me nuts." — John, 40
"She turns up the stereo really, really loud, grabs me, and makes me dance around the house with her. We have a favorite Sinatra CD that's always ready to go full blast. There's something so sexy about it because of how romantic it is." — Sean, 30
“I love when she’s stretching...and then gets on all fours.” — Trevor, 31
“I love to walk into my bedroom and see my wife playing with her vibrator.” — Brandon, 30
"Occasionally she'll text me and send the message 'I want to [bleep] tonight.' I love getting playful, devilish little notes like this. It lets me know that she's going to be ready to go when I get home." — Paul, 27
"Recently she got me a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret. She said, 'Let's go shopping — you can buy anything you want me to wear .' Being allowed to call the shots on the purchases we made was an amazing turn-on." — Tyson, 28
"My wife plays a world-class game of footsie. She wears a lot of high heels, and she'll run the side of her foot up and down my calf, first on the outside of my leg, then the inside. Then she kicks off her shoes and caresses my legs with her bare feet. Her toes tickle my ankles. If we're at home or sitting in the dark back booth of our favorite neighborhood pub, she puts her bare feet in my lap, and...I can't stand up for a while afterward." — Bill, 37
"Once when I was putting in long hours at my job, I opened my date planner at work and found a note jotted down on that day's page that said, 'Sex @ 7 p.m.' She must have taken my planner from my briefcase one night and written it in. Needless to say, I was home on time that night!" — Mike, 42
"One night my wife and I were out to dinner and we were sitting at a table, but she wouldn't take off her coat. I asked her why and she said she couldn't — and just stared at me. Turns out, all she was wearing was a trench coat and high heels. I couldn't even eat; all I could think was, 'This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.'" — Tom, 31
"One time when we were watching a movie , she laid her head on my lap, took my hand, and slowly kissed each of my fingers, keeping her eyes locked on mine the whole time. There was no mistaking what was on her mind, so I paused the movie." — Mike, 37
"She has this special walk that's just for me, where she slowly struts around with her hips swaying from side to side. When she comes home from work, she keeps the high heels on for 10 or 15 minutes — long enough so that she knows I'm getting an eyeful of that sexy walk. I want to take her straight to the bedroom ." — Mark, 32
"Sometimes my wife speaks softly into my ear, saying nice things like,'You look sexy in that shirt' or 'I love you.' Then she flicks the inside of my ear with the tip of her tongue and takes my earlobe gently between her teeth. That sends shivers down my spine every time." — Kevin, 34
"We were at a museum for a black-tie event and I was feeling sharp with my wife on my arm. As we looked at a painting, she subtly brushed one of her breasts against my arm. At the next painting, she did it again — and yet again when we were in front of a sculpture. At this point we were both suppressing giggles because the well-heeled crowd was clueless about our devious behavior, which made her sneaky seduction even hotter. Finally, we ducked into an empty gallery room for a quick kiss, then took the shortest route possible to get our coats." — Bill, 41
"Every once in a while my wife will surprise me with the best possible gift: an at-home sex date. She'll whisper, 'The kids are staying at the babysitter's overnight,' and I'll know exactly what our plans are that evening." — Anthony, 33
"She loves to shave my beard before we make love . It's so intimate and sensual having her body so close to mine as she runs the razor over my face. Plus, there's something so nurturing about it; we always end up all over each other afterward."— Mike, 36
"She got up from the couch, sighed loudly, and said she was going to take a nap. She walked away, casually removing her clothes and looking over her shoulder at me. By the time I got to the bedroom, she was lying on the bed naked. She continued to 'sleep' as I began to kiss her. It was like an erotic dream brought to life!" — Mark, 32
"She'll light candles in the bedroom and pour us each a Scotch on the rocks. Then we sip the drinks in bed and talk before we make love. The experience makes me feel very Cary Grant." — Ben, 30
"While we were out at dinner, she started playing a little game: She began acting as if we were meeting for the first time on a blind date, asking me questions and flirting with me. At first I thought this was silly, but I played along. Within a few minutes, she lost all of her inhibitions: She told the 'stranger' things she'd never said to me before, and even described what she liked best during sex. I got extremely excited. Playing along with her this way made me feel the thrill of the chase again and got me thinking how badly I wanted to get this 'date' into bed. We had the wildest sex that night." — Neal, 28
"I love the way she kisses my hand. First, she holds it, caressing the back of it with her thumb. Next, she raises my hand to her lips and presses them against the back of my hand, and then against my palm. And then she puts her mouth against the inside of my wrist as though she were taking my pulse with her lips. It always gets that pulse rate up higher." — Josh, 29
"One night I was in the living room and my wife called me. As I walked down the hallway, I noticed a line of Hershey's Kisses leading into the master bedroom, ending in an arrow pointing toward the bed. It was obvious she wanted to give me more than just kisses
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