How To Fix A Toxic Friendship

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How To Fix A Toxic Friendship
Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Jul 31, 2014, 06:42 PM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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Hanging out with friends does a person good. But if you're a woman and your female friends make you feel bad, the positive benefits of the friendship can be diminished. In fact, bad friends can be harmful to your health.
That's according to a new study. An analysis of data from 1,502 healthy adults over age 50 found that negative social interactions were linked to a 38 percent increase in developing high blood pressure for women. The multiyear research from Carnegie Mellon University found that women between 51 and 64 were more affected than older women. Surprisingly, this same effect was not seen in men.
Researchers were not completely surprised by the results. "Women are more affected and pay more attention to the quality of their relationships than men," says Rodlescia Sneed, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology involved in the study. "Women's relationships are more about sharing; men tend to have less intimacy." Prior studies done with arguing couples show increases in blood pressure in the short term, but this study found negative relationships could also have long-term physical effects, Sneed says. Having Friends Should Be Fun When you share a deeper level of intimacy, conflict exacts a far greater toll, says Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine, producer of www.TheFriendshipBlog.com and a Next Avenue contributor. "It’s hard to let go of the person who knows all your secrets," notes Levine. And while no relationship is ever perfect, friendships are voluntary relationships that add to the pleasure and enjoyment of our lives, says Levine. "If a friendship is consistently draining and there is no way to resolve the conflict or mismatch, it’s time to move on to more satisfying relationships," she adds.
"Healthy relationships at 50, or any age, should include mutual caring and respect, responsibility and good communication," says Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of "The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty."
Signs of a toxic relationship include: being demanding, turning every discussion into an argument, threatening the end of the friendship, using tears, rage and/or badgering and gossiping about you behind your back. How To Fix A Friendship Handling toxic relationships isn't easy and takes a little know-how, says Tessina. She has four suggestions: 1. Focus on the positive. First, tell your friend about the things you like that she does. She'll then be more likely to hear when you say you don't like something, says Tessina. 2. Use silence. “If you don't like what she's doing or saying, don't respond. She'll get the message without a word,” Tessina says. 3. Set boundaries and limits. If your friend is habitually late, for example, let her know when the timing is important (you don't want to miss the first five minutes of a movie) and when time is not an issue. In cases where she needs to be on time, tell her if she's not ready by X time you'll leave without her.
"It's amazing how well that works," says Tessina. "Although, don't be too strict about it if she's late only on occasion or has a good reason." 4. Try a time out. Become distant and polite when she behaves badly. No joking around or interacting, says Tessina.
"Eventually, she may ask you what's wrong, and at that point you have an opportunity to tell her what the problem behavior is and why you don't like it. Learning to put obnoxious friends in time outs right at the beginning of unpleasant behavior can make it unnecessary to use tougher tactics at all," adds Tessina.
The Green-Eyed Monster Jealousy often rears its ugly head in a friendship and is particularly toxic. "Most jealousy arises when someone feels insecure or threatened — that someone else (like you) will get the attention she wants," says Tessina. People who react with jealousy are often in a lot of emotional pain about their own lives. "Be as understanding as you can and listen to your friend's feelings, but don't let her struggles ruin your good feelings about yourself," says Tessina. Publicly thanking her for the nice things she's done and giving her special time with you alone may help. Finally, don't be afraid to talk to friends about what friendship means to you. Is it acceptable to cancel a date with a girlfriend (or her with you) because you get a better offer from a man? Because of family illness or problems? How much loyalty do you expect in the friendship, and what does that mean? If you can't work on the problem, at least limit the time you spend with people who make you feel bad, says Sneed. "Avoid taking on other peoples' problems, which women tend to do," she notes.
Next Avenue contributor Linda Melone is a California-based freelance writer specializing in health, fitness and wellness for women over 50.


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There are many subtle ways a friend can be troublesome, from the one who only talks about herself to the one who just never seems to make it to plans even remotely on time.If you find yourself in one of these less catastrophic but still challenging relationships, fixing your toxic friendship might be an option.
No one is perfect and, thus, no relationship is perfect. Just because you consider someone your friend doesn't mean that she's never going to bother you, disappoint you, or even hurt you. The key is understanding whether or not they intended to do so, and realizing how often these negative behaviors are occurring.
If you find yourself in a toxic friendship , you have two options: cut ties or try and salvage the situation. No one should stay in a friendship that causes them more sadness and hurt than joy and laughter, no matter how close you used to be. If you still care about your friend and don't want to lose her in your life, then you have to take some sort action to fix things.
There are productive ways to make things better in a relationship, and there are unproductive ways to do so. Starting a fight, badmouthing her to others, or reciprocating her negative behavior are not effective ways to make things right. Instead, try some of these tactics to save your friendship — and hopefully, if she is a good friend, she'll listen and make an effort to change for the better.
Don't sit back and take her toxic behavior. Let her know that what she's doing that is hurting you. If she's always flaking, tell her that you want to see her and feel bad when she cancels on you. If her idea of humor involves making fun of you, tell her that she's hurting your feelings. She might not even realize what she's doing, and letting her know might be all it takes for her to stop (or at least make an effort to stop) doing so.
If her toxic qualities are ones that cause you to start acting poorly as well — like partying too much, being unkind to others or constantly complaining — don't join in. If you abstain, she might be less inclined to continue.
When you point out what's bothering you, don't just come right out and tell her what she's doing wrong. In an interview with Cosmopolitan , Yvonne Thomas suggested hiding the complaint between two compliments . If you feel she leans on you too heavily, tell her, "I love that you feel you can trust me in a time of need. But sometimes it seems like you only contact me when you need me to do a favor for you. I'm happy to help you out whenever I can, but I would really love to spend some time together just having fun, too."
If her toxic behavior isn't harming you, but just annoying you — like someone who will talk about themselves for an hour before even asking how you are or someone who tends to focus on the negative — try to concentrate on her good qualities. Sure, she can be a bit of a Debbie Downer, but she's always there when I need her to listen . By trying not to harp on her adverse qualities, you'll be able to focus on why you actually do like abou having her as a friend.
When your friend starts in on one of her toxic behaviors, psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina told Huffington Post that don't engage , . Don't be outwardly rude, but do create some distance and take a break. When she asks why you've pulled back, you can tell her it was in response to the action that hurt you. This way, she not only becomes aware of what she's doing, but also learns that if she continues to do so, you won't stand for it.
Put her on the spot a bit and ask her why she is acting the way that she is. She'll realize pretty quickly that there is no good reason to be flaky, rude, judgmental, or whatever other toxic behavior she is doing. Make sure not to put her on the defensive, though. Ask her nicely, "How do you think that makes me feel?" or "Why did you do (insert action here)? It really made me feel bad." It's another version of speaking up, but puts a little more of the responsibility on her, which might make her more likely to understand what she's doing wrong.
Some friendships just aren't worth saving. You may feel compelled to work toward salvaging the relationship because you have a long history together or you used to have fun with one another, but the truth of the matter is, some people just don't deserve your friendship. In a truly toxic case, you're better off moving on. While it might be difficult to say goodbye, you'll be happier in the long run. Losing someone who is bringing you down allows you to make time for real, better friendships where you mutually support and care for one another. You don't need to put up with someone who treats you poorly — so if you can't fix it, let it go.


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