How To Finger Your Girlfriend

How To Finger Your Girlfriend

Published on March 4, 2022 @ 10:00AM

InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.

We've updated our Privacy Policy, which will go in to effect on September 1, 2022. Review our Privacy Policy

Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

When it comes to satisfying your partner's sexual desires, enthusiasm and a willingness to experiment will usually get you pretty far. But it also helps to constantly be brushing up on your core skill set, and if your partner happens to have a vulva, those skills should include knowing how to finger them.

And knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. "Remember that fingering someone's vagina isn't meant to look or feel like a jackhammering penis — unless your partner specifically asks for that! — so the fast in-and-out rigid finger thrusting we often stereotypically associate with fingering likely won't be the way to go," says Anne Hodder-Shipp, an American College of Sexologists (ACS)-certified sex educator. "Remember that your fingers have joints and can curl and bend."

Here, Hodder-Shipp and other experts share their 10 best tips for ensuring your next fingering — aka hand sex — session is a steamy hit.

It might seem rather basic, but Hodder-Shipp encourages anyone prepping to finger their partner to be sure their hands are clean, and their nails are trimmed and clean.

In fact, it might be fun for someone to exfoliate and moisturize their hands before playing with their partner, advises Jamila Dawson, LMFT , an interdisciplinary sex therapist.

If you have longer nails or a special manicure: Hodder-Shipp recommends taking a nitrile glove and putting a cotton ball at the tip of each finger, so when you wear it, the cotton creates a cushy barrier between the manicure and your partner's body.

Porn would have us believe that when it comes to any kind of penetration of the vagina, deeper is better, but that's not always the case. The majority of a vagina's nerves are located in the first one-third of the vaginal canal, points out Hodder-Shipp, so going super-deep isn't really necessary unless that's the sensation you would like.

"Lube is an absolute must during hand sex," points out Gigi Engle , ACS, a certified sex educator and author. "The fingers against a clitoris — or inside a vagina — require a barrier and some extra lubrication to not feel like sandpaper pushed up against your nether regions. Always generously lube up your partner's fingers and the clitoris before moving forward."

Dawson advises using a high quality water-based lube like Pjur or silicone-water-based hybrid like Fuck Water.

"Keep in mind that the vagina 'tents' and elongates when aroused," explains Hodder-Shipp. For that reason, you'll want to be sure your partner is especially aroused and receptive to penetration before inserting a finger — or anything else, for that matter.

One sexy move to try as you're working on getting your partner hot, bothered, and ready for more: "Cupping the vulva to let the heat of the hand transfer to the vulva can be very sensual," advises Dawson.

In general, it's ideal to go slow anytime you start a new sexual activity, says Hodder-Shipp. That way, you can see how it feels and get into the groove of it. Not to mention that, at times, fast movement in the vaginal area can feel uncomfortable, especially as you get started, she notes. All of that said, be sure to ease into penetration of any kind.

As you begin to ramp up the intensity of the act, Engle advises "definitely focusing" on the clitoris — especially the outer part at the top of the clitoris. "This organ is the only one in the entire human body whose purpose is pleasure," she notes. "It has 8,000 nerve endings in the external glans alone, which is double the nerve endings in the glans of the penis."

She continues, "Much like with oral sex, hand sex will most likely deliver an orgasm when your partner moves in a consistent motion over the glans clitoris ." However, unlike oral sex, you'll want to be a bit more gentle when you're using your fingers. "If you press down too hard, it can become uncomfortable," she says.

The giving partner should use their pointer and middle fingers to make clockwise circles around the clitoris, advises Engle. Then, they can try moving the fingers up and down, side to side, or in a figure eight.

If you're the receiving partner, listen to your body, and don't be afraid to ask for something else if it isn't working for you, she says.

Although the clit is often essential for reaching orgasm, you'll also want to stimulate the very front of the vaginal opening, as it's packed full of nerves, explains Engle.

"The bottom of the opening, called the fourchette, is an excellent place to tease and touch," she says. "Try pressing your fingers around the vaginal opening. Perhaps slip a finger inside. Don't stop there, touch and tease the labia. Perhaps you'd enjoy some gentle tugging. Your labia cover the internal legs of the clitoris. Try different things and see what works for your body."

"If you're the one doing the fingering, your partner is really the one in charge," says Hodder-Shipp. "Only they know how it feels and what adjustments they might need for it to feel pleasurable, so it's essential to be present and ready to receive feedback and pay attention to what your partner's voice and body language sound and look like."

Although some people make noises and will say exactly what they want — or don't — it's important to bear in mind that not everyone feels comfortable making vocal noises as they receive pleasure, says Hodder-Shipp. So while quiet isn't necessarily a bad sign, it's a sign to check in and ask things like, "how does that feel?", "do you like that?", or "want some more lube?"

And don't be nervous about switching things up in the moment in order to find your groove. Kristine D'Angelo , a clinical sexologist and certified sex coach, says, "While stimulating the clitoris, switch between using your fingertips, full length of your fingers, and even the palm of your hand," she recommends. "Ask your partner, 'More pressure or less pressure?' Some people need light pressure while others like a lot of pressure."

Though you might be looking for a go-to cadence that's guaranteed to leave your partner breathless, there is no one "best" rhythm to follow, notes Hodder-Shipp. "Every vagina responds to finger and hand simulation differently," she explains.

Still, once you find a rhythm that seems to be working — either because your partner is moaning and saying "yes, exactly like that" or their hips are lifting and moving along with the motion of your fingers — do not switch it up. "Keep that rhythm until your partner says they're done or orgasm happens," says Hodder-Shipp.

When it comes to penetrating your partner with more than one finger, D'Angelo recommends trying this variation: "Make a V with your index and middle finger," she advises. "Twist those fingers as if you're crossing your fingers for luck but keep both fingers fairly straight as they curl. Use your crossed fingers to penetrate the vagina, and begin to slowly twist your wrist creating a swirling effect."

If, as the receiving partner, anything hurts or feels uncomfortable or unpleasant, or it feels like your partner has to push their fingers inside, take a break or stop and do something that you enjoy better, advises Hodder-Shipp.

If you're the giving partner, keep communicating. As Engle notes, "Always remember that if you're not sure if something is working, simply ask: 'Does this feel good? I want to make sure what I'm doing feels good to you.'"

Was this page helpful?
Yes
No

Performance & security by Cloudflare

You cannot access medium.com. Refresh the page or contact the site owner to request access.
Copy and paste the Ray ID when you contact the site owner.

Ray ID:

743346994e789daa

743346994e789daa Copy

For help visit Troubleshooting guide

How to Finger Someone Orgasmically Well Never underestimate the power of amazing hand sex.
How to Finger Someone Orgasmically Well
How to Finger Someone Orgasmically Well
We want to help you get the orgasm you want.
O.school keeps this information totally private and anonymous .
Do you know the biggest myths about sexuality? Learn what others think about sex. Sign up for a free newsletter with answers to weekly anonymous polls about "how important is an emotional connection when you’re having sex?" and more!

Will be used in compliance with our
Privacy Policy

Hand sex — using hands and fingers to stimulate sexual pleasure — gets a bad rap, like it’s somehow less than other sex acts. But hands are incredibly versatile, intimate tools that can allow you to touch someone in exactly the ways they enjoy. Your fingers also receive a multitude of sensations which allow you to enjoy your partner’s body.
While many of us may have been experimenting with fingering since we were teenagers, that doesn’t mean we know how to do it well . Like any other kind of sex , fingering is a learned skill.
Before stimulating a body, it helps to know some basic anatomy. Everyone is different, so learning anatomy doesn’t get you out of talking to your partner, but it’s a good place to start.
While the clitoris and the G-spot get most of the attention, the entire vulva is a potential erogenous zone. It’s important to pay attention to the whole area, not only because it can feel really good, but because pinpoint sensation on an area as sensitive as the clitoris is often overwhelming before reaching higher states of arousal. It’s really helpful to start slowly at the beginning to allow your partner to relax.
Try placing your hand over the entire vulva and just holding still. This allows your partner to get used to being touched and shows them things won’t progress too quickly. This is also a great time to focus on other forms of intimacy like eye contact, kissing, and touching the rest of their body with your other hand.
Once you’re ready for more, try moving the whole hand to provide uniform pressure. This helps wake up all the tissues and continues to enforce the idea that nothing will happen too fast.
Every time you want to progress to something new, check-in with your partner. For example, you can ask them things like, “Are you ready for your clit to be touched?” and “Are you ready for penetration?” You can also look for non-verbal cues, such as if they are moving your hand towards their clit, or if they are making exciting noises.
While you’re focusing on the entire vulva, you have the opportunity to stimulate the whole CUV complex (clitoral, urethral, vaginal). Properly speaking, it’s all these parts together that provide sexual pleasure, even if you access that pleasure from one pinpointed area.
The part of the clit you see from the outside of the body is just a fraction of what lies beneath. The clitoral legs and vestibular bulbs lie underneath the inner and outer labia and can be stimulated through external and internal pressure.
There’s as much erectile tissue in the clitoral complex as there is in a penis, but most of it is under the skin where you can’t see it swelling. Also, it can take longer to engorge than a penis, so it’s a great idea to spend time on building arousal so you can experience all of the pleasure that’s possible when this area of the body is fully engorged.
When you’re ready to focus on more direct clitoral stimulation, you still don’t want to go right for the head of the clit — that area is often too sensitive even when fully aroused. Instead, use the clitoral hood to your advantage and slide that tissue up and down the clitoral shaft, thinking of it like a tiny handjob on a penis. Especially once someone is aroused, you’ll be able to feel the clitoral shaft and that area is often very sensitive. ‍
As you’re trying touch techniques, you’ll want to check-in and see how your partner feels about what you’re doing and what they might like done differently. While it’s always wonderful to ask someone how they’d like to be touched, not everyone will have the language to explain that. It’s often easier to give a choice between two things, like “harder or softer,” “faster or slower,” “left or right,” etc. Not only does this not require too much thinking right at the moment, but asking for that kind of feedback allows someone to say what they want with less fear of hurting your feelings. ‍
Good fingering doesn’t need to include penetration. Many people find it easier to orgasm from external stimulation. But internal stimulation can also provide a great deal of pleasure if it’s something you and your partner would like to try.
Once you get the go-ahead from your partner, continue the slow pace. Start with just one or two fingers and move very slowly, checking in as you go. If you’re interested in exploring G-spot stimulation, slide your fingers along the anterior wall of the vagina (up towards the belly) until you’re an inch or two deep and you feel a slightly different texture. Remember, everybody is different and there’s no way to find the right spot without talking to your partner and asking what feels good.
What you’re actually stimulating is the urethral sponge, an area of the CUV complex that is often the last to swell with arousal — so it’s best to wait until your partner is really turned on before trying this.
You’ve probably heard the advice to use a “come hither” motion with your fingers. And while that might get you in the right neighborhood, make sure you avoid using the tips of your fingers or fingernails, since they tend to poke and fingernails can cause damage. Instead, focus on using the pads of your fingers to either press upward in a rhythmic way or move in little circles. Again, check-in about what’s most pleasurable. ‍
In addition to your fingering techniques, lube is one of the greatest things you can incorporate to enhance the sensations and pleasure for yourself or your partner. Whether or not there is penetration involved, lube keeps things slippery and smooth and helps avoid too much friction or chaffing which can quickly become uncomfortable. You can start by dabbing a coin sized amount onto your fingertips or hand and then rubbing them together (this just helps bring the lube closer to body temperature as cold lube can sometimes feel a little startling when applied onto the vulva directly out of the bottle). Feel free to add more and more as you go. Some people like just a little extra slide, and others like it really wet! Whatever you do, remember to reapply as needed to keep things slick throughout your sexy time.
If you’re doing this for a while your fingers are likely to get tired. It can help to work with the larger muscle groups like the upper arm and shoulder. To do this, hold your fingers and hand steady and pull upwards from those larger muscles. This will often be more sustainable and may also allow you to provide more intense stimulation for folks who enjoy that.
Keep in mind that some people experience squirting or ejaculation from this kind of stimulation, so it’s a good idea to lay a towel down first so you don’t need to worry as much about clean up.
The most important thing about any kind of sex is that the people involved are enjoying themselves. So while there are techniques you can try, remember that whatever feels good to you is the right thing to do.
Also, don’t forget that it can take time to learn new things, not just for the giver of touch but for the receiver. Our bodies learn over time what pleasure looks like, and it can take a while to get used to a new form of stimulation.
Just experiment and have fun, and make sure to keep an open dialog about what’s working best for both of you. ‍
Stella Harris is a Certified Intimacy Educator and Sex Coach who uses a variety of tools to guide and empower her clients and she teaches everything from pleasure anatomy, to communication skills, to kink and BDSM. Stella speaks at venues and conferences across the USA and Canada while maintaining a private practice in her adopted hometown of Portland, Oregon. Stella’s first book, Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships was published by Cleis Press in September 2018. You can also find Stella’s sex column in Portland’s Willamette Week.

Me Coji A Mi Hija
How To Watch Vr Porn On Oculus Quest
Molly Mae Three Is Fun

How To Finger Your Girlfriend

Report Page