How To Finger Your Girl

How To Finger Your Girl

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Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance.

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Want to learn how fingering works? You've come to the right place
Fingering seems like a pretty basic move, right? But as "entry level" as it might seem to some, it doesn't mean we all know what it takes to finger someone (whether it be a partner, or ourselves) really well. So whether you're new to fingering completely or just want some tips on how to finger someone *really* well, we've got you covered.
First, let's make it clear why fingering is so vital. You might not know it, but fingering can be really important part of sex and foreplay from the perspective female pleasure and orgasm . It's not all about penetration, trust us: around 80% of women and people with vulvas can’t climax from just penetration and *also* require clitoral stimulation to get there. This is why fingering skills are important and can help you instantly improve your sex technique if you sleep with women or anyone with a vulva.
Now you know the importance of fingering skills, we've called up our friends at Kinkly to give you a thorough fingering bootcamp...thank us later.
Some housekeeping before you start, please. As Dr Eskander , a consultant gynaecologist at The Gynae Centre tells us; "By keeping your fingernails short and clean you can reduce the risk of infection.”
Also, here’s your reminder to take it easy! Being too rough and vigorous can result in vaginal tears which, although minute, take a few days to heal and, as Eskander reminds us; “increase the risk of catching an STI , particularly if there is an exchange of bodily fluids."
As a rule of thumb, fingers are a great tool for creating the persistent, rhythmic and often nuanced stimulation needed to really pleasure a vulva - and deliver a mind-blowing orgasm to your partner.
The raw materials are great: fingers are nimble, agile and strong. Fingertips are alive with different nerves, allowing them to be receptive to a partner’s changing rhythms and cues and to play with the sensitive skin of the labia, clitoris and vagina. But like all instruments, you need to use your hands right if you want to create the desired effect.
You’re probably already aware that the clitoris is a hub of sexual pleasure for women and people with vaginas. It has an astounding 8,000 nerve endings (sensitive, much?) and despite appearing tiny from outside, actually extends deep into the pelvic area and around the vagina. It’s even possible for G-spot orgasms to occur from stimulating the back-side of the clitoris.
However, the clit isn’t the be-all and end-all: the rest of your partner’s vulva also deserves some attention. You should also keep in mind that it’s really important not to shock those 8,000 super-sensitive nerve endings with a super intense start – not only can this be jarring, it can also be painful. Touch and caress other areas of the vulva as a way of easing into clitoral stimulation.
To help you know which areas to target, here’s a quick anatomy lesson for you! The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia and outer labia , the clitoris, the vaginal opening and, just beneath, the perineum . Each of these areas are sensitive and responsive to touch. Which is to say, for expert fingering you should try working in a few of these areas – just listen to your partner's needs and discover which work for them.
Witness the wetness: the more slippery your subject, the more satisfying your touch will be. Discard the idea that natural lubrication is enough: vaginal wetness is subject to the body’s fluctuations and can be impacted by hydration, hormones, medication and stress. Instead of leaving it all up to chance, get cracking with the lube.
For best results, opt for a natural, organic and good quality lube like the Sliquid range . Not only are they vegan, they don't contain any allergens.
Remember, it’s a marathon not a sprint. Vulvas respond well to stimulation that is sensual and slow. This is because it takes an average of at least 15 minutes of stimulation for a vulva-owner to reach orgasm. Fingering is not an exercise in instant gratification. Instead, it helps to think about it as a story with a beginning, middle and end.
Don't start at the end of the story by launching straight into clitoral stimulation. Instead, craft a narrative: slowly reel in your partner's attention, draw out new characters and twists, build up the tension and then – only then, when they are hanging onto each word – is it time to unveil the ending.
Start slow and gentle and steadily increase the speed and intensity as you gravitate towards more sensitive terrain. This isn’t just about setting the right pace: it encourages blood to flow to your partner's genitals. This amps up their arousal, making them more receptive to intense stimulation and pulling them closer to the beginnings of orgasm.
So, now you know you need to slowly build up the intensity. But you also should be working your way from the outside in, towards the clitoris. It can help to conceptualise the clitoris as a sort of bullseye. You can being by stroking the outer edges of that target – the thighs and lower stomach, for example. This can all be done with your fingers – the sensation should be light and teasing, building up the anticipation.
If your partner is enjoying the process so far, you can move your caresses in closer, towards the pubic mound, labia and perineum. To spike your partner’s interest, you might even run a single finger over the clitoris. But don’t jump in yet – make those touches light and teasing.
Hopefully by this point your partner should be becoming more and more aroused. If that’s the case, you can start zoning in on the areas they are responding to the most, being sure to make your touch more rhythmic and consistent as you go. You can do this by perhaps rubbing a finger back and forth, or tracing a circle. As always, it’s good to listen: use your partner's words and cues as your roadmap.
And on that point… As things heat up, it's important to tune in to your partner’s bodily response, the directions they give you and any sounds they make. If you switch up the rhythm or direction of your touch and things get quiet, course correct. If your partner moans, gasps, their breathing gets heavier or they let you know that they like what you're doing, it’s safe to say you're on the right track.
When it turns hot and heavy, move closer to your partner and allow yourself to get lost in their movements, pleasure and breathing. It’s never not important to be attentive to your sexual partner’s body language , but it's tantamount for fingering. There is no advice that will serve you better than listening to your partner's wants and needs, so make sure you take note.
Look, we’ve all been here. When our partners are clearly really into something, that turns us on too. The way they are responding to touch is so hot that we might alter our rhythm or pressure because we want to make them feel even better. But while that’s an understandable reaction, it’s one you're best to avoid. When your partner is loving what you’re doing, it’s a sure sign that you should stick to it.
Successful fingering comes down to persistent and rhythmic stimulation. If the pace and pressure are working, make sure you keep going – unless your partner asks for something different.
Want a helping hand? Maybe you might want to work in a clitoral vibrator to further arouse their clit. Begin with a low setting and speed to keep this stimulation persistent and consistent. According to how they like it, you might gently brush the vibrator against their clit to tease them, or apply the toy just above it.
You’re going to have to wait until your partner is properly warmed up, but some people like some penetration as part of their finger play. Before you begin make sure to ask your partner if it's OK for you to go inside. Once you slip a finger or two in, these are a few moves you can try out.
It’s important to check in with your partner about whether they like what you’re doing . Ultimately, this should be a joint effort, with you both working as a team toward your partner's ultimate pleasure.
If you're concerned about finding their G-spot, you can always use a toy specially designed to massage it. Sex toys with a curved or bulbed tip are made to target vibrations and pressure to the G-spot.
An avid multitasker? You might also want to take a rampant rabbit vibrator for a spin, these sex toys are designed to target the clitoris and G-spot simultaneously.
And if you want to experiment with using toys while you finger a partner, bullet vibrators are an affordable and accessible option but, remember, these toys are for external stimulation *only*.
As your partner edges closer and closer to orgasm their breathing will get faster, their body will tense up, and their noises and moans will either grow louder or much softer. At this stage, it’s crucial that you maintain your focus.
By now, you might be stimulating the clitoris directly and, if your partner is into it, the stimulation can be pretty rough and intense. But as we’ve stressed, it’s important to keep up the rhythm and touch that's working for them, and check in to see what they need.
To tip them over the edge, all it takes is a little something extra. Maybe kissing them extra hard, looking deep in their eyes, or caressing their neck. You might also want to let them know just how much they’re turning you on . The best sex engages the body and the mind fully. Making sure your partner is fully in tune with their body and present in their mind can help move them to climax.
You should keep in mind that every person (and every vulva ) is different. There’s no one size fits all approach to fingering as we each have our own unique preferences.
If sex is a skill, the most important part of that skill is listening to and learning about your partner's sexual quirks . For example, did you know that some people prefer stimulation on a specific side of their clitoris? Do you know which side your partner prefers? You should. Small changes to your fingering technique over time are the things that can send your partner beyond just orgasm and into a place of sexual bliss.
You hold the power to make that happen – all thanks to your skilful, sexy hands. In the eternal words of Paris Hilton, “that’s hot”.
Want more? Here are some fingering tips from IRL people – aka vagina experts - on Reddit:
"I would prefer to be rubbed through the clitoral hood, not directly on the head." [ via ]
"Make sure it is good and wet and run little circles around it to start, then go to direct pressure. if they respond, you got it!" [ via ]
“Don’t rub it really fast like you see in porn (unless she’s close to orgasm), start off slow in a circular or up and down motion on her clit.” [ via ]
“Learn what your partner likes. Some don't like penetration at all, some really do. And for those who do, it can be different if it's more about hitting a certain spot or going in-and-out.” [ via ]

How to Finger a Woman (An In-Depth Guide)
How to Finger a Woman (An In-Depth Guide)
How to Finger a Woman (An In-Depth Guide)
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Last week, during a shared lie-in with my partner, I experienced one of the loveliest orgasms I’ve ever had.
To bring me to the brink of ecstasy that morning, my boyfriend didn’t even need to take off his boxer shorts. He prompted my delicious climax using only his hands.
My orgasm that day (and the gorgeous build-up to it) got me thinking about fingering, and how much I rate it.
Sexologists define fingering as “the use of fingers or hands to sexually stimulate the vulva or vagina.”
Personally, I find it one of the most satisfying sexual acts. It’s the most reliable way to get me to orgasm.
Of course, every woman is different — but I’m by no means alone in my love of fingering.
“I think many women would agree that getting fingered feels phenomenal,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. “Fingers can give much more focused, deliberate, and intense stimulation than any other body part.”
If you want to learn how to finger a woman, you’re in good hands (pun intended)!
Here are some of my best suggestions to help you maximize your partner’s enjoyment.
I’ll start with the most important takeaway. The best way to finger a woman depends on the woman in question.
For example, fingering feels best for me when my boyfriend focuses on the external parts of my genitals.
Consistent strokes between my labia and circles round my clit will put me in seventh heaven for an hour.
A finger inside my vagina can feel hot, but I’m triply turned on when my partner focuses on my vulva!
But another woman might feel there’s something missing unless her vagina gets attention, too.
Once she’s aroused, she might be the kind of lady who craves that G-spot stimulation.
No two women are the same, explains Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., psychologist and sexuality expert. “Because each woman’s nerves are positioned differently, they each like to be touched differently.”
Communicating with your partner helps you tailor her experience. You’re more likely to satisfy her if you understand exactly what she enjoys.
Plus, taking time to communicate shows you care. Your lady will appreciate knowing her lover is serious about delighting her!
The following strategies will help you learn more about your partner’s needs.
Later, you can use your new knowledge to complement the more general tips in the rest of this guide.
Outside the bedroom, ask your partner how she feels about fingering. Are there any techniques she’s already keen on?
Hey, I came across an article which described how pleasurable fingering can be for some women. I’d love to know how you feel about fingering. Are there any techniques you know you like?
Mintz calls this kind of discussion “a kitchen-table sex talk.”
A neutral environment — like the kitchen — encourages more relaxed conversation. It’s often easier to broach sensitive topics when you’re not already in the middle of having sex.
Additionally, experts have been telling us for years that “sex starts in the mind. ”
Hence, “kitchen-table sex talks” are a great form of foreplay. A juicy chat about your partner’s favorite techniques will likely titillate you both!
You’ll learn a lot if you observe her pleasuring herself.
Here’s another arousing way to educate yourself. Let your partner know how much it would turn you on to watch her masturbating.
Every woman has her own unique way of inducing an orgasm when she touches herself. Your partner likely uses her fingers in the way that works best for her body.
Hence, you’ll learn a lot if you observe her pleasuring herself.
“Create an environment of intimacy and trust,” advises sex counselor Ian Kerner. “Let her know you want to watch because you want to learn more about how to please her.”
If she feels self-conscious or awkward, don’t pressure her. There are other, less intimidating, alternatives.
For example, Mintz suggests “watching realistic videos of women masturbating, and talking about them together.”
You could ask your partner questions like:
“Compared to the lady in the video, what do you differently when you touch yourself?”
“Do you focus on the same areas, or different ones?”
This allows her to describe her proclivities — even if she’d rather not demonstrate them.
Before you get down to business, wash your hands and ensure your fingernails are trimmed.
Like any other sexual act, fingering requires a warm-up. Indulge in foreplay, and go slowly. Spend plenty of time building sexual tension.
Start off with light, teasing kisses. Undress your partner one garment at a time, leaving only her panties on.
Graze her neck and breasts with your fingertips. Fondle her inner thighs. Tell her with your words and your eyes how beautiful she is.
Before you take off her panties, try cupping her whole vulva very gently in one hand. Now keep your hand still! Kerner says stillness can be more arousing than movement, because it builds anticipation.
Next, move your hand gradually up her vulva, pausing at intervals and pressing softly.
“This wakes up all the tissues and allows your partner to get used to being touched,” says Stella Harris, sex coach and intimacy educator.
(I find it incredibly erotic when my boyfriend does this. It’s my favorite form of teasing!)
With your free hand, you could massage your partner’s breast or cradle her face as you kiss her.
Finally, remove her panties and cup her now-naked vulva. Does her slit feel wet to the touch? If yes, that’s a good sign.
Before you move on to the next step, apply lube to your hands to give them extra slip.
Also, get comfortable — you’re going to be playing with her genitals for a while! Choose a position which allows both of your hands easy access.
Personally, I love lying next to my partner while he works on my pussy.
That way, I can kiss him, run my hands through his hair, and bury my face into his neck as I’m getting close to climax.
However, you may prefer to lie between your lady’s legs, or kneel between her knees.
The entire vulva is a potential erogenous zone.
Want to give your partner an outstanding sensual experience? Don’t rush to sensitive areas like her clitoris or G-spot.
Going straight to those regions can produce overwhelming or even painful sensations.
Plus, as Harris reminds us , “the entire vulva is a potential erogenous zone.” Lavish attention on every crevice to intensify your partner’s arousal.
If you’re not sure where to begin, I’ve outlined some suggestions below.
Once again, not every woman likes the same kind of stimulation. As you try different touch techniques, note your partner’s responses.
Be willing to adapt as you learn what works for your lover!
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