How To Do Foreplay
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How To Do Foreplay
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It's all about building anticipation.
What is foreplay? Well, it's a broad term for the tantalizing, PLAYful activities that people engage in beFORE sex. And while it's commonly accepted that foreplay should happen before intercourse, the questions of whether it does happen, how long it typically lasts, and how to spice it up and how to master foreplay are another story. There's actually lots of creative things to do in bed , and many have nothing to do with what many heterosexual couples consider "the main event" (meaning, penetrative sex).
A 2017 survey of 52,588 people, aiming to identify differences in orgasm frequency across sexual orientations, reported that "women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse." Only 65 percent of the heterosexual women surveyed said they "usually-always" orgasmed during a sexual encounter, compared with 66 percent of bisexual women, and 86 percent of lesbian women.
While that doesn't exactly prove that heterosexual women aren't getting enough pre-penetration attention, it's further evidence that lavishing your partner with it adds up to way more fun for couples. Here, three experts share their best foreplay tips and ideas for a more satisfying sexual encounter.
If you spend a few cursory minutes on foreplay, rushing through like it's a plate of raw vegetables to nibble on before the meaty main course is served, your partner won't just feel cheated—they'll be able to tell you're not into it, which is a libido killer .
Layla Martin, sex expert and author of Wild Woman in the Bedroom , says the best kind of foreplay puts the emphasis on "play," setting aside intercourse as the goal. " If you are touching or seducing your partner and you're thinking, 'I’m just doing this so we can have sex,' she’s going to feel that. It’s not going to be sexy, and can even shut her down."
Instead, Martin recommends staying as in-the-moment as possible, taking delight in her pleasure and the sensations you're both feeling. "It’s counterintuitive, especially because we call it 'foreplay,'" she adds, "but the sexiest things happen when you aren’t thinking about the future."
Washing that sink full of pans may lead to more bedroom fun. "Foreplay happens in every moment of connection that occurs between you and your partner, from the moment you wake up," says Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO toys . Tanner believes that anything that impacts our minds has the potential to impact our sex life.
"While they may not seem to be connected, helping your partner with laundry or offering to do the dishes may be the most helpful thing you can do to make way for intimacy," she says. "Anything that takes something off your partner’s plate, and supports their general sense of relaxation, goes a long way when it comes time for sex."
Paying your sexual partner sincere compliments will let you know how much you appreciate her, and that might make her feel sexier before your clothes even hit the floor. Martin suggests "telling her how much you desire her," and how beautiful she is. Knowing that you don't just want to have sex, you want to have sex with her is a turn-on for many women (don't you enjoy feeling desired, too?)
Though it may sound shallow, "Let them know you want them as soon you walk in the door by complimenting the way they look: 'You’re even hotter tonight than when I left this morning,'" says sexologist Jess O'Reilly, PhD, host of the Drive Her Wild With Pleasure video course. "And be clear that your craving is rooted in just how desirable they are: 'I want you, and nothing else will do.'"
Have a hard time finding your words? O'Reilly suggests sending a text during the day, such as "I can't stop thinking about you."
You can always become a better lover, but you're not a mind-reader. In addition to paying attention to what she responds to, asking is the best way to know what gets her motor running.
"The number one key to being excellent at foreplay is communication," Martin says. "Many partners assume that all women are turned on by touch, or direct sexual play, but not every women would list that as their first choice."
After a stressful day full of obligations to others (work, kids, family, you name it), getting intimate may be the furthest thing from her mind. Help her move into a different headspace with a *pressure-free* decompression session.
Does she love ? Light 'em up. Is a soak in order? Draw her a . "If relaxation is foreplay for her, offering her a sensual massage could be a huge turn-on," Martin says.
If you haven't heard of breathwork, it's defined as "conscious, controlled breathing done especially for relaxation, meditation, or therapeutic purposes." It can help your partner (and you, if you're game to try) to reconnect with her body amid life's stressors and distractions.
"It might sound strange to do breathwork as foreplay, but I’ve taught about 10,000 women how to use it as a way to get excited for sex," says Martin. "It’s extremely effective because it takes them out of their thinking, controlling, judging, and planning mind, and puts them into their feeling, connecting and sensing mind—which is the path to amazing sex for most women."
Maybe (non-dirty) talk sounds less than erotic to you, but it can bring the two of you closer with surprising results. "Feeling intimately connected can be the sexiest foreplay for some women," Martin explains. Her work with clients involves "a communication practice where they honestly share their desires, their fears and what they love about their partner. "Hundreds of couples have told me this is the best foreplay they have ever tried."
Remember the first time the two of you kissed? If you do, you know that kisses are the ultimate chemistry test, and one of the quickest ways to connect with your sex partner.
O'Reilly recommends a simple yet intense makeout session. "Kiss with passion as you press your entire body against theirs. Allow yourself to really feel the full-body contact, paying attention to the pressure, textures, temperature, and contours of your bodies."
Hovering your mouth this close to her skin will build anticipation, O'Reilly advises, or try licking her in a sensitive spot and breathing warm air over the slick path you've created.
" Start at their collarbone and change your breath patterns to experiment with temperature. A wide-open mouth should create warm air, and pursed lips can create cool air," she says. "Work your way down around the sides of their breasts. Tease over their nipples and beneath their breasts." S-l-o-o-o-w is the key here—unless she asks you to speed up, and take your time as you move down to between her legs, "continuing to use breath kisses to draw awareness to every square inch of their body."
For another way to amp up the anticipation, O'Reilly says to "use the backs of your hands in order to slow down and build arousal. Don’t feel the need to grab, knead or apply pressure right away. Instead, use feather-light touch.
"Use your fingers, palms, tongue, toys and lips to slither, lick and kiss all around their inner thighs without diving in between their legs," O'Reilly instructs. "Hover your mouth over their lips and clit to build desire, and make them ache for more."
This method of O'Reilly's isn't super complex, but it's also about taking it slow—so let's break it down into steps:
In this hands-on technique of O'Reilly's, press your flat open palm over their vaginal lips, lengthwise. Then, "Open your fingers to form a W (or a V), and slide up and down as you open and close your fingers. Use lots of lube so that you can slide around and increase the pressure as their arousal builds."
"Starting at their head, work your way down the back of their body, changing the strokes, pressure, moisture and movement across the entire surface of their skin," O'Reilly says. "Once you’ve touched every inch of their back side, roll them over and kiss, touch, caress, and lick from head to toe on the other side before diving down between their legs."
Even if she doesn't have a mind-blowing climax afterward (and good sex isn't defined by achieving one), she'll walk—or blissfully roll—away feeling flushed and worshipped.
"That old saying, 'you want what you can’t have,' can apply to foreplay," says Tanner. First, set a five-minute timer. Then, tell your partner they’re not allowed to touch you back until it goes off. "Meanwhile, use your mouth and hands to kiss and tease your way around their erogenous zones, without staying in one place for too long," Tanner explains.
Tanner suggests blindfolding your partner—if they seem into the idea, of course!—in order to heighten their other senses. "Then, alternate using your lips, tongue, fingers, or a toy on different parts of their body," she says. You can take the play a step further with a sensual game, in which they guess what part or object is touching their body.
"Introduce temperature play by incorporating an ice cube or warm towel," Tanner adds. To set the mood, "surprise them with a tailor-made sexy playlist , or incorporate audio erotica into your repertoire."
After years in a relationship, it's easy to fall into a rut—and research suggests that trying new activities can help rekindle your passion. Tanner suggests experimenting with when and where you get sexy, too.
"Introduce variety by changing the context in which you initiate foreplay," she says. "If you typically wait until you’re in bed in the evening, try some morning foreplay in the kitchen. If your usual MO is foreplay while laying down, surprise them by dropping to your knees and teasing them while they stand."
A great vibrator can take a woman's arousal from 0 to 100 in as many seconds, and there are so many exciting toys for couples to try together before (and during) intercourse. You can even get both of you going before you're even in the same room together by giving her a panty vibrator or another toy that one partner can wear while the other operates it via remote-control or app. Tanner recommends LELO's Tiana 3 couples' massager.
"Whether you’re at a restaurant or in two different rooms of the same home, you'll find connection and intimacy in this secret form of foreplay," Tanner says.
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Lindsay Geller
Lindsay Geller is the Love & Life Editor at Women’s Health, specializing in entertainment news and culture coverage.
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Unless you’re a member of The Fast and Furious squad, you probably don’t go from zero to sixty the second you hop in the car. So why do you think you can go from holding hands to full-on thrusting when you’re in the bedroom? Nah, you need some foreplay tips to ease your way into the main event.
Though you might view foreplay as a seriously delicious appetizer (I’m talking, mozzarella sticks–level good, y’all), some foreplay ideas can be the whole d*mn meal. I mean it: You don't have to make foreplay solely a prelude to intercourse, says Lori Buckley, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and AASECT certified sex therapist in Pasadena, California.
"Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually."
In fact, “there are many roads to intimacy, and foreplay is one,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu. “Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually.”
The more you get in touch with each other's sexual selves (both figuratively and literally), the more comfortable you'll be sharing your desires, fantasies, all that good stuff.
Excited already? Yeah, thought so. But before you fire up that engine, here are the best foreplay tips and ideas to try ASAP.
If your go-to foreplay routine involves a little kissing and touching—then goes right into wham, bam, thank you, ma’am—it’s time to mix it up. "Foreplay should definitely begin before you get into the bedroom to have sex," says Buckley. She suggests getting low-key frisky with your S.O. when you're out to dinner (footsie, haiiii ), watching TV in the living room, and anywhere else you’re feeling the ~vibe~.
Both Brito and Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, sexuality counselor specializing in sex therapy, and author of She Comes First , agree. He adds that simply "having fun and doing things that are exciting to each other" can be a form of foreplay.
How can something kinda meh lead to oh yeahhh ? Well, it’s all thanks to (brace yourself for a scientific name) the excitation-transfer theory, which means that when you do a stimulating activity in one domain, the hyped-up feeling you get can then be transferred into another, explains Kerner.
So even if you get jazzed flirting over veggies at the farmer’s market together (hey, not judging), that’s a form of foreplay.
After all, who doesn’t want breakfast with a side of arousal? Foreplay can start in the morning and can go All. Day. Long. through sexy little suggestions here and there, says Buckley. Maybe you hop in the shower with them before work (save the shower sex for the main event) or text them a sexy little something during their lunch break (more on that in a sec).
Whatever you’re into, "you can have lots of moments of foreplay leading up to sex that happens later," explains Kerner. In fact, just knowing you're not going to get it on until later that night or even the next day can ramp up the anticipation and make foreplay feel even hotter.
Buckley and Kerner both agree that sexting can be a hot AF form of foreplay, especially when it includes teasing the person on the other side of the screen. Let your partner know what you're going to do to them when you see them, or hint at what you'd like them to do to you, suggests Buckley.
Try something like: "It was so great the last time we _____. I loved it when you touched me in this way, or when you sucked on that." You can head down the sweet and sensual route or go straight-up pornographic. If it feels right in that moment, you can't go wrong. "Anything that creates anticipation and arousal is great," Kerner says.
Sure, dirty talk is hot, but a picture leaves a lot less to the imagination. Assuming your partner is someone you know and trust (important detail!), why not send a little something to start setting the mood before they even get home?
This will come in handy if you plan on using the previous tip, but even if you have no intention of sending a sexy selfie, lingerie can put you in the mood and increase your own anticipation for what's to come later.
Full disclosure: This tip's as basic as wearing Uggs and a North Face while sipping a PSL from Starbucks (don't @ me, you know it's true), but it's still pretty darn important. When you're flirting or sexting with your partner, let them know exactly what you find attractive about them, advises Kerner. Even if you think they already know because of the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-them thing, it never hurts to remind them how much their abs, ass, or even ambition turns you on.
“Remember that the language of sex is a lot different than the language you commonly use in your relationship vocabulary,” Kerner says. “You can be going through your day and communicating back and forth in very respectful, egalitarian ways, but you may also jump into some language that's very erotic or sexual.”
Basically, whenever the opportunity to seduce your partner presents itself, seize it. And when it doesn't...create it.
Crank your next date night up a notch—or ten—by teasing your partner when you’re cuddled up at a cozy restaurant or low-lit bar. "Teasing is really important because when we can't have what it is that we want, that creates desire," says Buckley.
She and Brito suggest whispering in your partner's ear about what you’re looking forward to that night, nibbling on their neck, or discreetly touching them wherever they'll take notice. When you know you can't have sex, it becomes all the more arousing, Buckley explains.
The last thing you want to think about when getting frisky is your errand list or a work project. Simply put, not being in the right headspace can be enough to kill your lady boner.
That’s why Kerner always suggests adding "psychological excitement" into your foreplay routine, rather than relying solely on physical touch and stimulation.
But WTF qualifies as psychological excitement? Turns out, tons of sexy stuff: listening to an erotic podcast , watching porn together (btw, there’s audible porn now, too), reading erotica aloud to each other, and even playing sex games .
Check out these six fiery hot sex games you need to try, like, yesterday:
When it's time to move into the bedroom, don't forget that lube is basically your BFF. Use it to prime your body for ~everything.~
Let's be real, many couples think foreplay is a fancy word for fingering and oral sex. If you’re one of them, no shade, buuut it might be time to add a little pit stop on your way
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