How To Describe Sex

How To Describe Sex
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Mike Darling
Mike Darling is an executive editor at Men’s Health where he assigns and edits coverage around the brand’s core subject areas, including fitness, style and grooming, sex and relationships, and technology and gear.

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They also told us how to predict if a guy will be good in bed.
If you're trying to be better in bed, there are a few things worth knowing right away: First, the very act of trying puts you well ahead of the curve, says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a social psychologist, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and author of Tell Me What You Want .
"If being better in bed is one of your goals, that means you probably care a lot about giving your partner a positive experience—and that’s a good thing," he says. "People who care more about meeting a partner’s needs tend to be more sexually satisfied, in part, because if you're invested in giving your partner pleasure, odds are that they’ll be inclined to do the same for you."
Selfish lovers, in other words, don't spend much time dwelling on how they can improve between the sheets. So long as you're not just looking for an ego boost, your desire to be more attentive shows that you're conscientious and that you put the needs of your partner on the same level as your own. That said, everybody's needs are different, Lehmiller adds.
"Being 'good in bed' means different things to different people. As a result, you can’t just assume that the sexual techniques you used with one partner will work with another," he says. "Instead, you need to communicate and tell each other what it is that you want."
Being open about your desires is truly the only way to give your partner what they want. That's why we teamed up with Touchpoint , a New York City-based townhall where people regularly meet up to share stories from their love and sex lives. (For those outside of NYC, Touchpoint also has a podcast .) Here's what ten of Touchpoint's members said about what works for them, and the signs that predict a more satisfying night.

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Now that I am an internationally famous author celebrated for my graphic portrayals of amour (see “A Pervert Among Us,” New York Times Book Review , April 2002, and “How Low Will He Go?” US Magazine , Jan. 2003), I am frequently asked how I manage to write such incredibly hot sex scenes.
My general response to these inquiries is to laugh shyly and say, “Look, kid, ask Updike, he’s even smuttier than me.”
But I must admit that the question is being asked so frequently these days, and with such delicious sycophancy, that I feel duty bound to respond to my public somehow.
Therefore, in the interest of preventing more bad sex writing from entering the cultural jet stream, I am officially setting out my 12-Step Program for Writing Incredibly Hot Scenes .
Step 1: Never compare a woman’s nipples to: a) Cherries b) Cherry pits c) Pencil erasers d) Frankenstein’s bolts
Nipples are tricky. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. So resist making dumbshit comparisons.
Step 2: Never, ever use the words penis or vagina. There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these terms, which call to mind–my mind, at least–health classes (in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal disease.
As a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the genitals. Consider the following sentence:
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.”
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.”
Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle is reaching?
Step 2a: Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you are trying to be funny. No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure Gate
Equally No: Flesh Kabob, Magic Wand, Manmeat
Especially No: Bearded Clam, Tube Steak, Sperm Puppet
I could go on, but only for my own amusement.
Step 3: Then again, sometimes sex is funny. And if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, you’d agree. Don’t be afraid to portray comic aspects. If one of your characters, in a dire moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, duly note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where her ponytail holder is, well, so be it.
Step 4: Real people do not talk in porn clichés. They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.”
They do not say: “Suck it, baby. That’s right, all the way down.”
They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ, yes!”
At least, they do not say these things to me.
Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as, “I think I’m losing circulation” and “I’ve got a cramp in my foot” and “Oh, sorry!” and “Did you come already? Goddamn it!”
Step 5: Use all the senses. The cool thing about sex–aside from its being, uh, sex–is that it engages all five of our human senses. So don’t ignore the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day.
Step 6: Don’t obsess over the rude parts. Sex is inherently over the top. Just telling the reader that two (or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward the genitals. It is your job, as an author, to direct us elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body. Give us the indentations on the small of a woman’s back, or the minute trembling of a man’s underlip.
Step 7: Don’t forget the foreplay. It took me a few years (okay, 20) to realize this, but desire is, in the end, a lot sexier than the actual humping part. So don’t make the traditional porno mistake. Don’t cut from the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. Tease the reader a little bit. Let the drama of the seduction prime us for the action.
Step 8: Fluid is fun. Sex is sticky. There is no way around this. If you want to represent the truth of the acts, pay homage to the resultant wetnesses. And I’m not just talking about semen or vaginal fluid. I’m also talking sweat and saliva, which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as whatever one chooses as a lubricant. (Sesame oil is my current fave, but it changes from week to week.)
Step 9: It takes a long time to make a woman come. I speak here from experience. So please, don’t try to sell us on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a moan or two, and bring her off. No sale. In fact, I’d steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. Rarely, in my experience, do men or women announce their orgasms. They simply have them. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and tossed about in various ways. Describe the tossing.
Step 10: It is okay to get aroused by your own sex scenes. In fact, it’s pretty much required. Remember, part of the intent of a good sex scene is to arouse the reader. And you’re not likely to do that unless you, yourself, are feeling the same delicious tremors. You should be envisioning what you’re writing and–whether with one hand or two–transcribing these visions in detail.
Step 11: Contrary to popular belief, people think during sex. I know this is going to be hard for some of the men in the crowd to believe, but it’s true. The body may race when it comes to sex, but the mind is also working overtime. And just what do people think about? Laundry. Bioterrorism. Old lovers. That new car ad. Sex isn’t just the physical process. The thoughts that accompany the act are just as significant (more so, actually) as the gymnastics.
Step 12: If you ain’t prepared to rock, don’t roll. If you don’t feel comfortable writing about sex, then don’t. By this, I mean writing about sex as it actually exists, in the real world, as an ecstatic, terrifying, and, above all, deeply emotional process. Real sex is compelling to read about because the participants are so utterly vulnerable. We are all, when the time comes to get naked, terribly excited and frightened and hopeful and doubtful, usually at the same time. You mustn’t abandon your lovers in their time of need. You mustn’t make of them naked playthings with rubbery parts. You must love them, wholly and without shame, as they go about their human business. Because we’ve already got a name for sex without the emotional content: It’s called pornography.
Bonus Step! Step 13: Read the Song of Songs. The Song of Songs, for those of you who haven’t read the Bible in a while, is a long erotic poem that somehow got smuggled into the Old Testament. It is the single most instructive document you can read if you want to learn how to write effectively about the nature of physical love.
Steve Almond is the author of The Evil B.B. Chow and Other Stories, due out in the spring from Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill. Reprinted from the first print edition of Small Spiral Notebook (Vol. 1, Issue 1), a literary journal launched online in 2001 that covers poetry, fiction, and nonfiction.

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Today we have a smoking hot English lesson for you. That’s right, today we’re going to talk about sex.
WARNING: Although not the intention of this article, it may be OFFENSIVE to some readers. We understand that sex is a delicate topic for many people, and this article is meant to be more of a resource rather than an English lesson.
This is real life English, and sex is a topic that is quite popular to talk about among friends, whether in a funny, sarcastic way, or in serious conversation when talking about one’s relationship .
Learning about idioms, slang, and collocations for sex will really help your understanding of everyday English, as sex is a topic that often comes up in popular culture (music, TV), and more often than not, we use sexual innuendos [suggestive terms] rather than the more literal terms that you might already know.
This article will start with the most formal, literal terms for sex and move to the naughtier [more inappropriate] language that you need to be more careful with.
Each section will start with the most common terms, and end with those that you won’t hear very often. So, by the time you finish this article, you’ll know exactly what sex term to use, and when!
If you need to talk about sex, these terms can be used with pretty much anyone.
1. Have sex is by far the most common and appropriate term to use.
2. Make love is also a common term, but is usually used when you are in a relationship (that is, to have sex with a girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband).
3. Sleep with is a very appropriate term because it is so ambiguous. It doesn’t necessarily mean that two people have sex, but most people will assume that if you say you slept with someone there wasn’t actually much sleeping.
I can’t believe Monica slept with Chandler in that episode of Friends !
4. Have an affair is another synonym for sex that usually implies that it is outside of your relationship (that is, you are in a relationship and you have sex with someone other than your partner).
5. Do it this term isn’t commonly used by anyone older than about 12. Children will usually say, “do it” instead of, “have sex.”
6. Have relations is a less common way of saying sleep with. It doesn’t always refer to sex, but it usually does.
7. Fornicate is a funny, yet formal way to say sex. It sounds biblical/sciencey, so it’s not very common, but using it in conversation can be quite comical.
10. Engage in/have (sexual) intercourse is probably the term that your health or science teacher would use.
11. Mate is a term that you can use, but it usually refers to animals other than humans. You might hear it used in a biology class ( Note : mate as a noun also means friend, and common collocations are roommate, flatmate, classmate, and workmate).
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These terms aren’t too literal or graphic, and can be used in most friendly situations without offending anyone. It’s best to experiment with these words because it’s not always well received to openly talk about them.
12. Get laid is probably one of the most common ambiguous terms.
Bill got laid at that party last night!
13. Hook up is something that we say all the time in the U.S, but it is very vague and doesn’t always refer to having sex
14. Get lucky is a term recently made more popular by a Daft Punk song .
15. Get it on is an expression made popular by the Marvin Gaye song , but it sounds old-fashioned now.
16. Take (someone) to bed is a lot like “sleep with someone,” but a little more informal and obvious.
19. Go all the way is an expression that sounds a bit outdated; it was popular in the 1970s with this song .
20. Hit a home run is an expression that you might hear in the United States, as it is related to baseball. If you are familiar with the sport, then you might understand this sex-related terminology:
21. Hump is another term that sounds somewhat childish. Humping is the motion that you make thrusting your hips forward (like during sex).
22. Make babies is a pretty straightforward innuendo, although it isn’t always used literally (meaning that someone wants to reproduce).
You should probably only use these terms around people your age and friends. Again, experimenting with them is key because they’re not always well received.
23. Fuck is a term you probably already know, but to learn a lot more ways to use it, remember to read this article .
25. Fool around doesn’t always mean intercourse, but it definitely involves sexual play.
27. Shag is a British term similar to fuck. Sometimes it is used sarcastically in the U.S, but it’s not too common.
28. Root is an Australian word that’s similar to shag and fuck.
30. Ravish is a less vulgar way of saying to have intense sex (for example, ripping off each others’ clothes).
I don’t know why all of these girls want to ravish Ryan Gosling
31. Score is another term derived from sports, and is kind of out dated.
32. Put your P in a V (for Men) literally means to put your penis in a vagina. It’s not commonly used, but was popularized by the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall .
These terms are pretty graphic and you should only use them around close friends or not at all.
33. Screw is literally the act of turning a screw (see picture)
It’s obvious that you want to screw Jennifer.
34. Bang is the sound that a gun makes or to hit something hard (usually with your fists )
35. Bone is probably used because another word for erection is “boner.”
I can’t believe he boned his tutor!
36. Nail is similar to a screw, but to insert them you use a hammer.
37. Ride usually means to mount an animal… you get the picture.
38. Get nasty gives a rather dirty, vulgar image of sex.
39. Pound is similar to bang or nail; it’s a synonym for “to hit.”
40. Get a dicking is not a real word, but it makes a slang of the word “penis” into a verb . This usually refers to the female role in intercourse (NOTE: Dicking around means “to be wasting time” and is not sexual).
Whether or not you think this kind of language is appropriate, Real life vocabulary like this is important to know and understand because it is commonly used. Even if you choose not to use this kind of vocabulary yourself, which might be a safer decision, it can give you an insight into local culture if you are traveling or living abroad and into popular culture.
It doesn’t matter if you like this part of the English language, if you find it offensive, or if you use it yourself because it’s how many people really talk.
So remember to try to keep an open mind. This is real life English–that is, the English that we really use.
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