How To Chastity

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Strongly rooted in Catholic tradition, "Sex, Love and You" promotes the value of chastity and tell you how your life will be better if you refrain from sexual activity until marriage.
Their message: It's possible to have freedom, peace, and romance without regret.
They deliver this message to thousands of young people from junior high through college every year. Those who hear them say things like:
They were young, fun, and could really relate to teens.
They made me think about things I never would have thought of like how important you should be to yourself.
Because we'd heard such great things about them, we invited Jason and Crystalina to speak at our parish, St. Mary's Catholic Church, in Cortland, New York. Nearly two hundred teens and parents turned out. Jason began the presentation by saying:
In high school, my question was always, How far can I go with this girl? I didn't go all the way, but I used girls. Pornography had an influence on me. I was into all sorts of stuff. I didn't think God had a plan for my love life.
As a young guy himself, Jason knows that marriage is often the farthest thing from teenagers' minds when they're with someone of the opposite sex. They're thinking about this girl or this boy and the feelings they're having right now. But, Jason said, If you keep in mind the person that you will someday meet and marry, you'll wait for them. And in the meantime, you won't do anything to disrespect or hurt a person who will someday be another person's husband or wife.
To bring this point home, Jason shared the following story. After one of his high school presentations, a guy, call him Bill, came up and said he wanted to know how far he could go with his girlfriend. The conversation went like this:
Bill: Well, like [here Bill mentioned a particular sexual activity that we'll leave unnamed for the moment].
Jason: Okay, let me ask you this: Do you want to get married someday?
Jason: Do you think the girl you're talking about now is the person you're going to marry?
Jason: Do you think there's a girl out there somewhere that you are going to marry?
Jason: Okay, let's suppose that right now, some guy is trying to manipulate that girl, the one you're going to marry, to do with him what you said you'd like to do with your current girlfriend. Would that bug you?
Bill: (looking uncomfortable) Nah, I wouldn't care.
Jason: Really? Try to get the picture: This is the girl you're going to kiss on the altar on your wedding day; this is the person who will someday kiss your children goodnight when she puts them to bed. Wouldn't it bug you just a little that right now, this guy is pressuring your future wife to do this?
Bill: (looking down, getting flustered, and sounding unconvincing) I don't care.
Just then, another guy who was standing close enough to overhear this whole conversation blurted out in a loud voice, It would TICK ME OFF!
Jason's audience erupted in laughter at this, but they got his point: You don't want your husband or wife to be sexually intimate with anyone but you. That's obviously true once you're actually married, but it's also true before you're married, even before you meet your future spouse. You want him or her to save that special form of intimacy for you.
Jason told his audience, That's what kept me from losing my virginity. There was this voice inside of me that said, 'Jason, that gift is for me. Please wait for me.'
Jason then introduced Crystalina. She began:
My situation is different from Jason's. I lost my virginity when I was 15. My boyfriend and I thought we loved each other. But once we began having sex, it completely destroyed any love we had. I felt he was no longer interested in spending time with me; he was interested in spending time with my body.
You could hear a pin drop as she spoke. Crystalina continued:
When Jason and I get married, I won't be able to give him the gift of my virginity. But after my high school boyfriend and I broke up, I resolved to wait for the person I would marry. After that, every time I said no to a guy, I wrote a letter to my future husband telling him I had done that and that I was waiting for him. I'm going to give Jason those letters on our wedding night. He accepts the mistakes I've made in the past. He loves me for the person I have become.
Crystalina and Jason went on to talk about how they keep their commitment to purity by practicing modesty, avoiding tempting situations, and staying close to God through the sacraments and prayer.
It's a hard lifestyle to live out, Crystalina said. Some of your friends will say, 'What, are you better than us now?' Some people will make fun of you. But when you stand on the altar, nobody will be laughing.
When they finished their talk, the audience gave them a standing ovation.
We wish every young person in the country could hear Jason and Crystalina.

In the meantime, we hope you'll find help in making the right sexual decisions from the pages of this book. Like Jason and Crystalina, we spend a lot of time talking to young people about this issue. We've listened to their stories. A lot of their stories are in this book.
We've also included a chapter on sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) by Dr. William Boudreau. As a family doctor, he knows about STDs from treating teens who are upset to find out that they've contracted an STD from premarital sexual activity.
We hope that you'll open your heart and mind to what we have to share with you. And we pray that you'll discover like Jason and Crystalina how much happier you'll be, regardless of past mistakes, if from this point forward you save God's beautiful gift of sexual intimacy (in all its forms) for the committed love relationship of marriage.
We hope you know how much God loves you. He wants your happiness even more than you do. He has a plan for your life. Trust him. Open yourself to him. Don't get discouraged if you mess up; we all do. Jesus is waiting, with open, merciful arms, to forgive you; just ask. And ask the Blessed Mother who loves you with a mother's tender love to help you in every area of your life. Whatever your problem, whatever your need, go to Mary. She will comfort you, guide you, and intercede for you with her Son.
Tom and Judy Lickona
Cortland, New York
August 2002
Chastity is sexual self-control. It means placing sexual intimacy within one relationship and one relationship only: marriage.
Although we've used the word abstinence in this book and have encouraged you to abstain from premarital sex, we actually prefer the term chastity when talking about sexual morality.
Abstinence is about what you cannot do (engage in sexual intimacy). Chastity is about what you can do: lead a positive lifestyle that respects self and others. For centuries, chastity has been an admired moral virtue. Author Pat Driscoll defines chastity as sexual goodness living out the truth, beauty, and goodness of human sexuality. In one of her pamphlets, God's Plan for Sex, Driscoll boldly states Sex is great! and then lists some reasons why it is:
Chastity applies to everybody, unmarried people and married people. How?
For unmarried people (both those planning to marry and those who intend to remain single), chastity means staying pure in thought and deed, refraining from sexual intercourse and other forms of deliberate genital arousal, and expressing one's sexuality in non-genital ways.
For married people, chastity means having sex only with your marriage partner. This form of promised faithfulness between husbands and wives giving themselves sexually only to each other, never to anyone else is also known as fidelity. Chastity in marriage also means keeping sex open to life. (We talk more about this in Chapter 17.)
Celibacy is a special form of chastity. People with a religious vocation for example, priests, brothers, and nuns take a vow of celibacy. As part of their deep commitment to God and sacrificial service to God's people, they promise to lead a life that excludes all forms of genital sexual intimacy.
Molly Kelly, a mother of eight, used to travel throughout the United States and Canada speaking about chastity to more than 50,000 teens and college students every year. Her audiences genuinely loved her; she has a great sense of humor and a knack for using the right phrase. Molly Kelly calls chastity saved sex. It's saving sex for the person you want to spend your life with.
When we heard her speak to a standing-room audience of teens and parents, she said:
Chastity is good news. You do not have to spend valuable time worrying about pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. You do not have to spend one penny on any outside product. You do not have to terminate your youth prematurely. Chastity is 100% effective, 100% healthy, and a 100% economical choice. It works!
She then challenged her listeners to think about the reasons for saving sex:
How do we want our air? Pure. How do we want our water? Pure. How do we want sex on our wedding night? Pure. There is no greater gift a man and a woman can give each other on their wedding night than the gift of their virginity. And it's a gift you can give only once.
But what if you haven't saved sex? What if you've already given it away? Start saving it, Molly Kelly says. She adds:
Some gifts come with tags that say, Do not open until Christmas. Sexual intercourse is a gift that says, Do not open until marriage. If you've already unwrapped it, you can wrap it up again!
Remember, chastity is a spiritual, not a physical, state. Chastity is about sexual self-control, an attitude of respect and gratitude for the gift that sex is. Although a person can't regain his or her physical virginity, anyone, at any time, can regain chastity. This is often referred to as emotional virginity. Many, many young people have made the decision to return to chastity.
Living a chaste lifestyle is easier when you keep the advantages of that decision clearly in mind. A 17-year-old girl at an inner-city high school in Washington, D.C., offers this testimony:
Not too long ago when boys asked me if I was a virgin, I was ashamed of it. I'm not anymore. It's better to be a virgin, because boys have more respect for you and you don't have to worry about AIDS tests or pregnancy tests or anything.

My high school and college years were the best years of my life. I learned that no to sex meant yes to fun. My reputation as a virgin got out fast. I had more dates, better grades, and good, quality friendships. Guys knew they didn't have to perform (sexually) for me, so we could concentrate on getting to know each other and having a great time.3
What are some other advantages of living chastely? Many of the advantages have to do with freedom: freedom from a negative lifestyle and freedom for a positive lifestyle. For example, chastity gives you freedom from:
You may be able to think of still other advantages of leading a chaste life. As you create a vision for your life and future, you surely won't want it to be associated with pre-marital sex. Only by maintaining or regaining your chastity can you be assured of becoming the person that you and God intend for you to be.
Chastity is not something like a jacket that you can put on or take off whenever you like. Chastity is a part of yourself that communicates itself to others in your daily words and actions.
Modesty is one important way to express chastity. Wearing appropriate and non-suggestive clothing, not calling undue attention to your body, and keeping your speech free of sexually suggestive talk are simple ways to let others know what you believe.
In this chapter, we'll share some other strategies for living a chaste lifestyle in a world full of sexual temptations and pressures.
As Molly Kelly says, You say 'No' before you ever go out on a date. 'No' is in the mind; it's a definite decision.
She points out that there are three kinds of language: verbal language, body language, and clothes language. For No to mean No, all three types of language must be saying it at the same time. For example:
A girl can say no with words, but her tight skirt and skimpy blouse are saying yes. She can say no with her lips, but if her eyes are saying yes, it won't work. A boy can say no while his hands are asking for a yes.

Another piece of advice is to advertise yourself, not your sexiness. Of course, some young people want to be sexy and provocative. In Sex: It's Worth Waiting For, author Greg Speck comments:
Women have said to me, Oh, I just love it when guys lust after me. It's so exciting!
If that's your reaction, then you don't understand what goes on in the mind of a man. When a man lusts after you, you become a piece of meat! He could care less that you have hopes and dreams and desires. All he wants to do is get his hands on your body.

Lusting is not a complimentary term. Speck goes on to offer specific advice to young women:
Look good, be stylish, but don't compromise yourself as a woman. Stay away from tight jeans, dresses slit up the side, short skirts, halter tops, low-cut tops, sleeveless sweaters with big underarms... .
Put on your outfit, stand in the mirror, and ask yourself, What am I trying to draw attention to? If it's just your exterior, then in many cases you are going to be treated like a piece of meat.

Modesty in dress, speech, and action is a virtue that applies to everybody, men as well as women. Thomas Lorimer, in his book Why Not? Why Is Pre-Marital Sex Wrong? directs similar words of advice to young men:
Guys, decide you will not violate the personal space of any woman. Make a covenant with your eyes not to look at the private parts of women.
Then date only those girls who demonstrate that they are not confused about personal space. Date those who dress modestly. And dress modestly yourself.

How do you say no with words? Saying no often requires more than a one-word answer. It's important to be psychologically prepared for the lines that someone may use to pressure you to have sex. Remember, a line demands a comeback that can put an end to the pressure once and for all and really communicate your strong No.
Here are some comebacks for some of the standard lines:
If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask. If you really care about somebody, you don't pressure them to do something they don't want to do.
Then you shouldn't have any trouble finding somebody else.

I find you very attractive. I like you a lot. That's why I don't want to wreck our relationship by getting too physical.
Then please prove it by respecting my values.
I'm waiting for the person I'll marry.
No, I'm free from the pressure to have sex before I get married.

Its a big deal to me, a big deal to my future husband (wife), and a big deal to God, and I made a promise I would wait.
Although girls can and do often lead guys on, in our experience guys are more likely to use these kinds of lines to get sex. And, sadly, many a girl has fallen for them. A girl may find it hard to believe that a boy is lying when he says, seemingly with great sincerity, I love you!
If you're a girl, you need to know two things: (1) If a boy puts any kind of pressure on you to go farther than you want to go, it shows he loves himself, not you; he's interested only in his pleasure, and he'll sacrifice your physical and emotional welfare to get it; and (2) many guys will lie through their teeth, say anything, and do what ever else they have to do to get sex.
Here is one guy who openly admits this:
I learned to maneuver my opponent into a position where she couldn't say no. If I sensed there was a moral dilemma in her mind, I would play any role necessary to reach the point where sex became inevitable.

Rehearse your lines and dress the part (modestly). Learn how to say No with your body, words, and behavior. Remember, saying No is the best way to say I love you.
Dating means different things to different people. In high school and college, formal dating (where the guy picks up the girl, takes her to dinner or a movie, and pays the expenses) is less common than it used to be. For lack of a better word, we'll continue to use dating here to refer to the various ways that guys and girls spend time in each other's company.
Whether formal or informal, dating is a way for guys and girls to spend time together, build friendships, develop romantic relationships, and consider prospective marriage partners. However, dating, especially single dating, is also the likely occasion for sexual temptations and sexual behavior to occur. As with other areas of your life that are important, it's important to have a strategy and develop guidelines for the time you spend together with the opposite sex. Here are a few:
We interviewed a group of college students who have made a commitment to chastity, to find out what practical advice they would give to others who want to stay chaste in a world full of sexual pressures and dangers. Here are some of things they said:
Tim: Don't get involved with someone who is sexually experienced. That happened to me in high school. She said sex didn't have to be part of our relationship, but it created a subtle pressure. I always felt as if I was disappointing her. Now I wouldn't involve myself with someone whose convictions about how far to go are different from mine.
Once you get involved in sexual activity at all, you'll go farther than you want to go, maybe not right away, but eventually. There's an old saying, Sin will take you farther than you want to go, and keep you longer than you wanted to stay. So don't even get started.
Rachel: I believe that every person has a different point for self-control. You have to be obedient to your own convictions, what you can handle. And you have to be really honest to keep from falling. You can't fool yourself, and you have to be willing to discuss this issue with your partner.
La Chauna: If the other person is putting any pressure on you, be very explicit about your standards. Know your boundaries before you are with the person, and stick to your guns!
Eun Gyeong: Get to know the other person. Find out how they feel about certain things. Don't start dating someone until you feel you are already friends with them. If somebody pressures you to go out, definitely don't.
Grace: When you do go out, don't talk too much about yourself. That can lead the other person on. Keep the focus on other things, things you have in common.
Hugo: You might want to be alone, but don't. If your parents aren't home, for example, you'll be tempted to be alone. But don't; the temptation is too much.
Choosing Friends Who Share Your Values
It's vital to have friends who share your values concerning chastity. A study by the Institute for Research and Evaluation found that teens who had friends who resolved to abstain from premarital sex
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How To Chastity