How To Be Submissive

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February 10, 2020 by Mary 54 Comments
Find out how to be a submissive wife and what the bible really says about biblical submission. Plus, learn 5 easy ways to submit to your husband and shower him with love every day!
We argued before bed, and I tossed and turned.
Tired of his tools and clutter laying around, I aired my frustrations in no uncertain terms. I loudly spoke my truth, and there was no stopping me.
“ Why do I feel so terrible now? ” Deep down, I knew I could have shown more grace and kindness.
The next day, while browsing a list of topics to write about, I came across the term “submissive wife.” Ouch.
It’s intimidating for me to write on the topic of becoming a submissive wife, because it doesn’t come naturally.
Why? Because I can be extremely stubborn when I think I know what is best.
(Maybe you struggle with this, too?)
We love, respect, and trust our husbands. But, we also have a side that thinks we know best – and we want to do things our way.
So, what should those of us do who are submissively-challenged as wives? How can we learn to submit to our husbands?
To begin, we need to learn what true biblical submission really is.
Special Note : Most importantly, make sure your life is submitted to God first. If you want to make sure you are a child of God (a Christian, ready for heaven), read our post How to Be Saved According to the Bible. There are lots of misguided teachings surrounding this topic!
Even though I am far from a picture-perfect example of submission, this study is beneficial for me and I hope it encourages you, too.
First, does the bible say wives should submit to their husbands?
We often answer this question from the knee as it lunges forward in a Kung Fu-style reaction, kicking the male chauvinism back with a resounding NO!
But, we cannot escape the fact that the Bible clearly teaches submission to husbands in Ephesians 5.
No matter how you feel about the topic, lay aside any bias at the altar of trust in God and see what the Bible says about wives submitting to their husbands.
When taken in context (Ephesians 5:22-33), you will come away recognizing there is providential balance and mutual respect in the Biblical marriage relationship.
Let’s begin with verse 22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
And what is the original definition of the word ‘submit’ here? (I got my Greek-scholar husband to help me with this one… here’s our hilarious text volley from that day –
Ok, now that we have that out of the way… back to the Greek word ‘submit.’
ὑποτάσσω – to place yourself under, to cause to be in a submissive relationship, of submission, involving recognition of an ordered structure, of the entity to whom appropriate respect is shown.
This Greek word “submit” is actually a combination of two words, one word meaning “a position under” and another word meaning “arrange or put in place.”
So we see that true biblical submission is an active role that we choose to take on as wives, to recognize the authority God has set up and to be subject to it. It is not brought about by some chauvinistic man holding a woman under his thumb.
Instead, it takes a spiritually strong woman who realizes the importance of the God-given role of submission. And, a realization that if Jesus himself submitted to the Father’s will out of love, we, too, can submit to our husbands.
A true understanding of the final phrase “as to the Lord” can only be found in Ephesians chapters 1-5:21. The audience who received these instructions were Christians.
The male and female members of the Church in Ephesus had already submitted to the Lord and to each other (Ephesians 5:21).
They found their spiritual forgiveness and blessings in Christ (1:7), their faith and responsibility (2:8-10), God’s wisdom revealed in the Church (3:8-12), their supreme unity (4:1-6) and their Christian path paved in love (5:1-21).
It is in this context that ideally, husband and wife have both already submitted to the Lord. Let’s continue to verses 23-24:
 “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Jesus, the head of the Church, gave himself in death for the Church. Jesus was not selfish with this role, and neither can a husband be with his wife!
I love how Drs. Cloud and Townsend put it in the well-known book Boundaries:
Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave “under the law”?
So, the healthy context for biblical submission happens when both husband and wife are under the headship of Christ. God gives husbands a responsibility toward their wives, and we as wives have an equally great responsibility toward our husbands.
Peter handles this exact concept in 1 Peter 3:1-2:
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
One way to think of this is “My husband isn’t a Christian… yet .” This must be your daily prayer for him.
It’s possible to submit to a non-Christian husband, as stated in this passage. But, the caveat is that he must know you are submitting to Christ, first and foremost.
Now that we know what it really means to submit according to God’s plan, we must understand how being a submissive wife truly blesses us!
When God told you to submit to your husband, did you know He actually did so for your own good?
Here’s why submitting to your husband is a blessing:
When we control things ourselves, it may give us a temporary sense of satisfaction. But allowing my husband to lead actually takes a lot of the pressure off me in day-to-day life.
I have enough to worry about with caring for children and completing my other tasks, it is actually a relief to allow my husband to lead and not feel like I have to control every little thing!
When God gives us life instructions, it is always for our own good/benefit. According to His design, He knows that living in a state of submission to a loving husband will contribute to your highest state of happiness in marriage.
At the end of Ephesians 5, children are instructed to obey their parents in the Lord. One of the best ways for them to learn this is by observing a devoted mother who submits to her husband, and their father who submits to the heavenly Father.
Your willingness to submit to your children’s earthly father is a real-life model to your kids for how they can submit to the heavenly Father. What a joy!
Not only does a submissive wife bless the entire family unit, it makes her happier, too, knowing she is a vital part of God’s plan.
When we display a spirit of submission to our husbands in every way we can, this is sure to lead to a calmer and more contented marriage.
This, in turn, increases happiness in relationships and makes infidelity/divorce a lot less likely to occur.
When you show your husband how much you are trying to respect his role as leader of your family, chances are that he will be thrilled and shower you with his love and affection in return.
It’s the snowball effect: you start with a small act of kindness, your husband notices and does something kind for you, and the snowball continues to get bigger!
You may be thinking, “That’s great, Mary. But how do I become a submissive wife? Especially when I’m not in the habit?”
Thankfully, there are a lots of small things we can do that all add up to showing a spirit of submission.
Here are some simple ways we can all show more submission to our husbands, regardless of how easy or challenging it may seem.
Did you know that ‘helper’ is your God-given job description? This means you are divinely-appointed for the task!
Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
In what ways are you uniquely suited to help your husband?
Take a moment to brainstorm. Think about the talents you possess and how you might best use them to bless your husband:
Are you super organized? Make your living space beautiful and help your husband organize his schedule.
Are you a great cook? Use this talent to fix his favorite meals and snacks without him asking. This will make him feel loved!
Are you a people-person? Accompany him to social gatherings and host get-togethers in your home. Make a point to invite his family and work friends over.
Whatever talent you uniquely possess, there is a way for you to use it to the glory of God and the benefit of your husband. Get creative!
There are so many ways to make your husband feel important and loved. The first step here is knowing your husband’s love language (the Five Love Languages book can be very helpful here!).
Then, knowing how your husband feels best loved and appreciated, work on implementing some new things.
Greet him when we comes home from work, spend more time conversing with him, cook him nutritious meals, fix him lunch, or iron his clothes. These are just some ideas – there are tons of ways to make your husband feel important!
Doing small things for your husband throughout the week adds up and will make your husband feel like he is the most important person in your life.
And cultivating the heart of a servant toward your husband will bless you as well!
One word for mamas: When we have little people with lots of needs, it’s especially challenging to prioritize doing more for your husband. But try, whenever you are able, to put his needs above the needs of the children.
After all, in 18 years the kids will be grown, but marriage is forever.
My stubbornness makes it challenging to keep my mouth shut at times. But I’m trying to think before I speak, especially when it comes to instructing him or telling him how he can do things “better.”
This isn’t to say we can’t speak our minds honestly if we see room for improvement – it’s all about the delivery. Speaking with respect (at an opportune moment is even better!), goes a long way toward a submissive spirit.
Just taking a moment to think about all the things my husband does for us is sobering.
I think about how hard he works, often to come home and continue to work fixing things around the house. He often helps with dishes and other chores, plays with the kids, takes the time to listen and support me, and even brings me coffee in bed (!).
Take a few moments to mentally list all the wonderful things your husband does in a typical day. Chances are, you’ll be amazed!
And one easy way to show submission to your husband is to verbally state your gratitude to him. Thank him often for his good qualities, and you’ll start to see more of them too.
Oh, and allow your husband to be the protector and provider – it’s his God-given role and he loves it!
The best way to cultivate a submissive spirit? PRAY.
Pray fervently that God will develop a heart of submission in you. If you go through all the motions of helping him, holding your tongue, thanking him, etc., but you don’t cultivate a true heart of submission – it’s all for naught.
In every way, that’s what God wants. Our hearts. And submitting to your husband is a part of that. Pray:
“Lord, help me to submit to my husband. It doesn’t come naturally to me, and I like doing things my way. But I want to please you in this way and I know your plan is best. Please soften and transform my heart so I can submit to my husband the way you want me to. Amen.”
When you do your part to submit to your husband, God sees your heart and will reward you for it — regardless of your husband’s actions.
You also have to trust that what God said is best. Having a submissive spirit may be the total opposite of how you were raised. It’s something you must actively seek as you strive to do God’s will.
Are there other ways you display submission to your husband? Do you agree/disagree? What would you add to this list?
Mary is a minister's wife, mom of two boys, and former missionary to Scotland. She’s also the creator of Healthy Christian Home, where she points to God's spiritual and physical nourishment through the natural world He has created. In her free time, you can find her with a cup of hot tea and a stack of books -- or watching a new BBC series.
Super article, Mary. SO needed in our culture and congregations!… and in my home. =)
Thanks for reading Ms. Cindy, this means a lot coming from you. God bless 🙂
Thank you, Mary. I found you from my Google search. Excellent article! Thank you….you are a blessing💖
Truly inspiring,I did not even know I was not submissive. May God help me and every other woman trying to learn to be submissive,Amen. Thank you for pointing all these out and writing. God bless you and increase in wisdom too. I just followed you on Pinterest,kindly follow back. Thank you.
Thank you for inspiring me to become a submissive wife. I struggle with control issues. My father was not a part of my life so growing up with happily married parents and a submissive mother was not part of my upbringing. Therefore I tend to rely a lot on myself and it has definitely caused many problems in my marriage, I have come very close to destroying my marriage. I am in my 50’s now but still desire to be a better wife for the time that God gives me with my husband. So thank you again ❤️
Thank you for sharing your heart Michelle, just prayed for you. And thank you for reading!
This is a topic that’s been on my heart a lot. I too am stubborn and I am easy to irritate. How do you navigate things when you suddenly find out there is going to be a party at your house in 24 hours or when told you have handled a parenting situation incorrectly but there is no other solution offered? These areas are where I really struggle to keep my mouth shut and are often sticking points. Areas where the end result is feeling unsupported and disrespected.
There are difficult moments for sure! None of us are perfect. I think these are moments where prayer and honesty with your spouse are paramount. Blessings!
Thank Thank for this. I struggle to be submissive in our day to day life but I know it’s how things work the very best.
I too have a problem keeping my mouth shut when iam being
Subjected to i’ll treatment but thanks to this information I will co to us to pray ask for forgiveness
I think we can still be honest with our husbands and expect good treatment and respect, while still being respectful to them. Blessings to you.
You should not submit to ill treatment. That’s called abuse, even if it’s verbal. My husband tried to verbally abyse me and manipulate me under the guise of submission, even calling me ungodly for not submitting to his demands. Our husbands are supposed to be giving us LOVING leadership, not demands to give up our hopes, dreams, ministries we serve in, friends, pets or family members or name calling, put downs, him not caring about your needs, and hitting you. Nothing is loving about this type of treatment and it’s not the kind of treatment God meant to exist in marriage. All you can do is get somewhere physically and emotionally safe, get help and pray.
Thank you so much for this! It has lead me to a more clear understanding. After growing up with a single mom of 4 girls it’s hard to give up control and leadership. I do sometimes but then fall back into the pattern of taking control. My husband is very laid back and rather me be in charge. So now it’s a battle of how to be submissive without him being so laid back.
I know you can do it Sandy! May God bless you.
My husband dictates what I can and cannot say or do. I have just had to delete Google reviews because I’m not allowed an opinion of use free speech. I find it totally disheartening and if this is having to be submissive then I’d rather be single.
I am sorry Candace, it might be good to look into counseling for your situation? God bless you
If I have an opinion that differs from my husband’s he sees it as a criticism of him personally, not just his ideas. I think our men have a huge need to be right. Perhaps they have self-esteem issues; then again, we must ask ourselves have we caused this and what can we do about it. Of course we are entitled our our opinions, but our husbands will fight for their leadership roles if they feel they have to.’
There is a mutual responsibility of the husband toward the wife as well. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25. We will not understand Ephesians 5:22 (wives submit) without the full context of husbands responsibility toward wives. Just pray for your husband and I encourage you both to study Ephesians chapters 4-6. It helps know that the roles in marriage are in the contexts of all submitting to God first before submitting to one another. I hope this helps.
At 74 years old and married 57 years I have finally found the way to be happier, joy filled and more aware of God’s love for me (us). I was always meant to be under my husband in the submissive wife marriage. I love knowing finally what God’s design for me and my husband in marriage is. I have placed myself whole heartedly in this way of life and living. My husband is still finding his way in this but I know as he sees that this new me is here to stay he will be more confident in leading, guiding and protecting me. I thank God for your blog and your wise council. God bless you richly.
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and your marriage!
My husband has cancer . The treatments are going okay, but his cancer is aggressive. He wants me to promise to marry his widowed cousin, if the cancer wins out, so that the kids and I will have covering , be financially secure, etc. He claims that biblically speaking, I need to submit to his wish. Is he right?
My husband has cancer . The treatments are going okay, but his cancer is aggressive. He wants me to promise to marry one of his cousins, who recently was widowed so that the kids and I will have covering , be financially secure, etc. He claims that biblically speaking, I need to submit to his wish. Is he right?
Prayers for your husband’s healing. While I cannot advise you on this most important decision, I will say that your first allegiance is to God. Submit to Hi
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