How To Be A Sub Bdsm
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How To Be A Sub Bdsm
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How To Keep Things Interesting When Taking It Slow
A Guide To BDSM Aftercare, According To An Expert
Aryelle Siclait
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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
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This is my "Beginner's Guide to getting started in BDSM." It is geared towards D/s because that's what most people tend to ask about, but the bulk applies to non-D/s stuff too.
Read guide 3 and the wiki, both linked in the Automod reply to your post and in the subreddit sidebar.
Read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book (both by Dossie Easton). Read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role.
Ask yourself the following questions:
What are the things I want from a dynamic?
What are the things I don't want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have any limits" because you do. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poo" and go from there😉)
What are the things I DO want? Both in the dynamic and when you play? For newcomers it can be easier to list the things you DO want in a scene so you can give informed consent; only listing things you don't want runs the risk of something else happening that you'd never considered, so you hadn't excluded it, and you may not want it. It's hard to give informed consent about something you didn't know existed. Talking about things you do want is known as "inclusive negotiation" because you're negotiatimg things that will be included.
What do I need in terms of aftercare - do I even need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out)
Do we want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that". Personally I recommend that when you're new, you avoid safewords entirely and just stick with "No", "Stop", "Hang on a moment" and so on - clear language that can't be misunderstood or forgotten when you panic. Safewords are more of an advanced level thing, I think it's best to work up to them.
Read about SSC/RACK/PRICK and the risks involved in BDSM (especially around choking - it's often depicted in porn and fantasy as "normal" but it can easily kill).
Watch out for "frenzy" - an almost uncontrollable urge to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as possible, often leading to people making rash choices and not thinking clearly. Take things slowly - there's no rush!
On a related note, use common sense. There are no secret BDSM rules that will get you thrown out if you don't follow them, no "all Doms/subs/kinksters do this so you must do it too," so if something seems weird, stop and think about it. If it's something you wouldn't do if kink wasn't involved, then don't do it. If you normally wouldn't send a total stranger nudes right away, or pay money to be "considered" as a boyfriend/girlfriend, or let someone else "train" you to be a boyfriend/girlfriend to the person you're talking to, don't do it just because BDSM is involved. Just because someone says they're a Dom or sub doesn't mean you have to do everything they tell you - you can say no, you should use common sense.
Check out kinkacademy.com for tutorials. On YouTube, check out Evie Lupine, Ms Elle X and Depraved Eros.
And read this post about to how to vet potential new partners and how to be safe when meeting for the first time: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/q2aupa/advice_on_fielding_multiple_dom_candidates/hfl5ndu/
Then have a proper, adult conversation with potential partners and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits.
Also try doing the BDSMtest.org test, just to check you're on the right track, and go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not). It's also a great way to tell potential partners what you're in to. There's a pretty comprehensive one here:
(That's from this article https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file)
Optional: Find and join your local munch to meet other people, for support, friendship, learning and potentially meeting new partners. Google "How to find your local munch" for instructions.
Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can suck.
D/S Dynamics are a type of relationship. Relationships are based on agreements - both explicit and implicit.
You can explicitly negotiate for your relationships to function however you want them to.
In a D/S Dynamic, the D-type and the S-Type negotiate what level of power exchange they want.
My Dynamic is primarily in the bedroom. While we occasionally apply it to more than sex, even then it still revolves around sex.
If this is a non-sexual dynamic, you need to negotiate exactly how you want to be submissive to them. Everything is negotiable.
Go through the Guides and the Wiki that are linked in the auto reply.
Working on flexibility for getting tied up is quite different from taking massage lessons to do service submission.
Any real and good Dom should be reviewing your desires and limits prior to any physical interaction. That these feelings happen, means that your so called "Dom" doesn't know what he's doing and is only in it for himself.
You need a real Dom who understands the need for a mental connection, communication, and staying within your boundaries.
Uhmmm... We don't know anythi
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