How To Ask For Nudes

How To Ask For Nudes

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How to Ask Her to Send Nudes

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People have always created representations of the nude body. From crude cave drawings to beautiful oil paintings to lewd magazine spreads to disappearing Snapchat pics, sexy images of naked people have a long and storied history.
These days, you’re maybe most likely to see naked people in porn. But you might be more likely to see a naked person in the form of a nude you’ve been sent than, say, a work of art in a museum.
Digital nudes have become incredibly common in recent years as cellphones have proliferated, meaning more people than ever before have high-quality cameras in their pockets, and it’s no surprise that they now play a real role in contemporary dating. While not too long ago people might have frowned on taking nudes as scandalous, today it’s a fairly normal behavior that everyone from average people to Hollywood celebrities engages in.
In fact, thanks to casual dating apps like Tinder and Grindr, you might be likely to exchange nudes with someone you’ve never even met. But just because nudes are constantly circulating the globe from one phone to another doesn’t mean you’ll ever get sent any.
And if you’re new to the nudes game, you might be wondering how you can get involved. How can you convince someone to send you their nude pictures, exactly? Well, a number of real-life sex and dating experts are here to clear everything up.
If no one has offered to send you nudes, you might think it’s time to start asking around rather than waiting indefinitely for something that might never come.
“Asking a partner for a nude can be a good move if you’re already flirting or sexting ,” says NYC-based dating coach Connell Barrett. “Swapping nudes can simply be a fun, sexy form of escalation. For the right two people, sharing nudes can be an adrenaline rush, making you both feel desired and sexy. It can amplify the connection and attraction that you’re both already feeling.”
But, he notes, “remember to never send unsolicited nudes. Always make sure the other person has consented to receiving your pics.”
Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the “@SexWithDrJess” podcast , agrees that sending and receiving nudes is something that’s hugely dependent on the person in question.
“It depends on your partner,” she states. “Some people love to send nudes and others do not. It’s not simply a matter of how long you’ve been dating or how well you know your partner. Some people are open to sending nudes from the onset, and others aren’t interested in sending nudes after years of marriage. It’s a matter of personal preference and there is no right or wrong way to feel.”
Not sure if the person you want to see naked is a nudes-sharer or not? Well, there’s an easy way to find out.
“Ask your partner how they feel about sharing nudes,” says O’Reilly, “and respect their preferences — you don’t want to pressure them into doing something with which they’re not comfortable.”
If you’re in a relationship with the person you’re asking, you have a certain degree of allowance with the question. Even if they decline, you’ll probably get the opportunity to explain yourself (and smooth things over if it’s left a bad taste in their mouth). However, if you’re asking a crush, an online dating match or an acquaintance, that’s a whole lot more complicated.
“With a crush (someone you don’t know very well), you’ll want to be even more mindful of their feelings,” notes O’Reilly. “Some people find it offensive and aggressive to be asked for nudes, so ask them more generally how they feel about sending nudes instead of sending a direct request. Be specific: ‘How do you feel about sharing nude photos?’ If they’re open to it, ask what circumstances are ideal for requesting/sharing photos."
Depending on your experience, it might be obvious to you that nudes are kind of complicated — or it might not be. Unsure what that means? Well, sharing or swapping sexy pictures with someone else sure seems like the most natural thing in the world for you, but it’s worth remembering that there’s several valid reasons someone might not want to.
“Someone might turn down a request for nudes for very good reasons,” says Barrett. “They’re self-conscious about their bodies, perhaps, or afraid you’ll share the photos with others. You want to totally respect their reasons, if they decline, and never pester them.”
That second reason is likely at the root of a lot of reticence when it comes to nudes.
“We never know what the future holds!” says Mayla Green, sex and relationship coach at TheAdultToyShop.com . “If the relationship sours and the couple breaks up on bad terms, it's a scary thought to know the ex has nude photos in their possession. They may try and get revenge and post them online. Once a nude photo is shared online, it's practically impossible to remove. This is the real concern for most people, but they won't say it outright because it implies that the relationship will end badly.”
Instead, she says, they might offer up alternate excuses such as low self-esteem or poor body image. While that doesn’t mean that those excuses are completely fictional, it’s possible that a lack of trust is playing a more significant role in the other person’s unwillingness to share.
Another factor to consider? The fact that women’s nudes are often treated differently than men’s due to aspects of our culture known as “slut-shaming.”
“There are no universal differences, but oftentimes women face more scrutiny for expressing themselves sexually,” says O’Reilly. “This isn’t always the case, and it can vary according to a number of factors — including your age, sexual orientation, relationship status, race and body type.”
Still, the possibility that a woman will face some form of slut-shaming simply for having shared a nude once is a real concern. At the end of the day, however, “Swapping nudes is about trust,” says Barrett. “If the other person doesn’t trust you, they won’t send you nudes.”
At this point, you should be up to date on the fact that asking for nudes can be tricky, and that there’s a good chance you’ll be rebuffed for reasons not entirely within your control.
That being said, that doesn’t mean there isn’t value in finding a tactful way to discuss the subject. The truth is, lots of people — yes, including women! — want to share nudes. For the same reasons you might want to share your own, other people want to share theirs.
But until you know what the other person’s stance on nudes is, you’re likely to look bad. As with many other things in life and dating, if you come off as a creep, a jerk or a sex maniac, you’re unlikely to get what you want.
“Don’t simply say, ‘Send me nudes.’ Directness is not the answer,” says Barrett. “A great way to approach this — for straight guys dating women — is to look for the right time.”
Bringing up the subject when you’re both in the mood, according to Barrett, will lower your chances of coming across as focused on only one thing, as it’s a more natural transition.
“The way to ask someone to send a nude is to sincerely compliment them on how sexy and beautiful they are. Remember, simply asking someone to send you nudes could make them feel emotional distress. They may feel objectified, or insecure about their bodies. So first, let them know how attractive and sexy they are. Your job is to make sure they feel beautiful and desired, whether or not they decide to pose for you and hit ‘send.’”
He suggests “telling her how much you miss her body.”
‘Maybe you could send me some sexy pics of you, to remind me.’
“It’s not about the words as much as it is about [slowly getting] you both to a place where you’re sharing X-rated pics,” notes Barrett, “and having a fun, sexy time doing it.”
And when in doubt? It wouldn’t hurt just to gauge their interest level is in the concept of sharing nudes to begin with — particularly good advice if you don’t know each other well yet.
“Ask them if they’re interested in sharing nudes,” says O’Reilly. “Present it as an option, as opposed to something you’re trying to convince them of.”
“Would you want to snap nude pictures and share them?”
“You might also offer to share your nudes, if this is something that interests you.”
If your request gets shot down, it’s important to handle the situation without being pushy or rude.
“Don’t worry about saving face,” she adds. “Instead, show your partner respect, regardless of gender.”
As exciting as it can be to receive a nude, you don’t have a right to see anyone’s nudes, and you can’t simply deserve to see them by doing a certain thing or set of things. Nudes are always something that are shared when the sender feels like it, and you can’t force anyone to feel anything.
However, if you know how to broach the subject without being a jerk or a creep about it — and you’re respectful enough to recognize why someone might want not to say yes — your chances will definitely improve.

Sex & Dating

| May 21, 2021 8:54 am

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Gentlemen, I have good news. Women want to send you nudes . Not all of us, not all the time, and definitely not that random woman on Instagram whose DMs you’ve been thinking about sliding into, but plenty of us — particularly those of us with whom you’ve already established some form of flirtatious or intimate relationship — genuinely do want to send you our nudes.
More specifically, we want you to want us to send you nudes. As any responsible nude-sender well knows by now, sending an unsolicited nude is the first cardinal sin of sexting. It is also, friendly reminder, sexual assault. But for a nude to be solicited, someone needs to solicit it, and after years of memeing, mockery and legitimate, deserved criticism of the “send nudes” guys of the internet, many men — particularly the kind of thoughtful, well-meaning men a woman might actually be interested in sending nudes to — are understandably hesitant to make such a request.
This doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve reached an insurmountable impasse. An unsolicited nude is no longer malignant as long as its recipient first consents to receiving it, and in this enlightened, feminist age of ours, women are more than capable of simply asking men if they’d like to receive a nude photo — in fact, many even prefer to do so.
But for many others, especially those of us who don’t generally consider ourselves sexual initiators, the prospect of asking a guy if we can send him nudes might seem awkward, uncomfortable or simply undesirable. For many of us in this camp, the appeal of sending nudes isn’t primarily in the sending of the nude itself, or even in the praise or validation we get in response to the nude, but rather in the feeling of being desired. It’s about the ego boost of knowing you’re thinking of us and want to see more of us. Yes, sometimes I really just want to send you this great picture I took because I feel really hot and want to show off, but even then, I’d rather know that you actually, actively want it. Moreover, having to ask you if you want a nude photo of me puts me in a position to get rejected, and while I realize men are in that position all the time, frankly, I’d rather it be you than me.
The other thing soliciting nudes provides is confirmation that you’re in an ideal position to receive sexy photos logistically — e.g. you’re not at dinner with your family, your kid isn’t playing with your phone and your iPad isn’t hooked up to a big screen in a conference room for a work presentation — but also mentally. Sure, I could ask you if I can send a nude photo, and as long as you or your phone are not otherwise engaged you might say yes, but you might not really want nude photos in that moment as much as you might at another time. Getting rejected is bad, but sending nude photos to someone who isn’t really all that enthusiastic about receiving them might be even worse. When you ask for photos, I know you really want them and aren’t just being polite or passively accepting a handout that happened to fall into your lap like a coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond that you hold onto just in case but probably won’t use.
That said, no one likes — or wants to be — the “Send Nudes” Guy. Fortunately, there are ways to respectfully solicit nudes without being that guy.
Look, this isn’t necessarily a hard and fast rule. Are there women on the internet who would love to send you, a random stranger, nudes? Probably! But your odds of actually finding those women are slim, and hitting up Tinder matches and sliding into DMs to ask for nudes puts you in prime “Send Nudes” Guy territory.
While it may seem riskier to ask for nudes from a woman you actually know, doing so will probably increase your odds of actually receiving the photos you seek, while also making you look like a generally more respectable human being.
It’s important to note that by “women you know,” I obviously don’t mean your female coworkers, your sister-in-law or the barista who makes your coffee every morning. Generally speaking, it’s probably best to stick to women with whom you’ve already established a romantic, sexual or at least flirtatious relationship. As Victoria, a 24-year-old woman from New York, puts it, “If we’ve never seen each other naked in person, I’m not going to send you a nude. I need history with a person to trust that they’ll respond appropriately and respect my privacy.”
That’s not to say nude-sending should be reserved only for loving partners who share deep, romantic intimacy and gaze into each other’s eyes during sex, but limiting your nude requests to women with whom you’ve already experienced some level of sexual connection is probably a smarter, more appropriate course of action that’s likely to yield better results.
Requesting nudes is obviously an overtly sexual gesture, but you should be aware that making that gesture can set an overtly sexual tone for an entire relationship, especially early on. If casual sex is all you’re looking for from this particular situation, no problem, but if you think you might be interested in something more serious with this person, it’s probably best to hold off on the nude photo requests for a bit.
Maria, a 23-year-old from Northern California, says she enjoyed sending nudes in her younger and more vulnerable years — she’s engaged now and apparently considers herself too mature and sophisticated to send nudes, which she says is “a thing teenagers do.” (Side note: Please do not ask teens for nudes.) “I loved it when men asked for nudes,” she says, but adds that “sometimes it was off-putting when I wanted to have a conversation with a guy I genuinely liked and all they wanted was nudes.”
If you’re just in it for something casual, by all means, feel free to ask for nudes. But if you have more romantic intentions in mind, be aware that a premature request for nudes may give the person you’re asking a different impression.
Some women will simply never want to send you nude photos, and some may not even like being asked. Particularly if it’s your first time exchanging nude photos with a new partner, it may be best to first inquire about their comfort level with nude-sharing in general, before asking for actual photos.
“The best approaches have asked for my comfort level rather than the photos themselves,” says Victoria. “Something along the lines of, ‘Hey, I really like sending/receiving sexy photos — is that something that you’d be into?” or “I’d really like to see more of your body if you’d feel comfortable sharing a photo.”
Rather than putting a woman on the spot and in a position where she may feel pressured to fulfill a specific request, an approach like this opens up the doors to a conversation, one that might even lead to a larger discussion about consent, boundaries and other wants and desires you may or may not share. And yes, such a conversation might also lead to
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