How Does A Threesome Work

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How Does A Threesome Work
How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them
Steer clear of these common threesome pitfalls.
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Wise men. Little pigs. Jonas Brothers. If you’ve seen any image of Idris Elba in a three piece suit you get it. Three is a magic number, especially when it comes to sex. The allure of the ménage à trois cannot be ignored. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who interviewed over 4,000 couples for his book Tell Me What You Want, having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy , although men seem to be a bit more intrigued by the idea ( a separate study showed that 82% of men and 31% of women reported at least some interest in having a threesome).
However, people aren’t actually having that many threesomes , only 3% of people surveyed had a threesome in the past year, and only 1% of people surveyed had one in the past month. So, I reached out to people who have “regular or semi-regular” threesomes, and I learned a lot about what it takes to make one happen , and what makes them so damn hot.
“Before I was into all of this I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Now that I recognize like-minded people, it is easy to sense someone’s ‘vibe’. It’s actually shocking how many people (especially couples) are out at the bars hoping to find a new recruit.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“I joke with my gay friends that setting up a threesome with two other gay men is more complicated than negotiating peace in the Middle East. Gay men tend to be VERY sexually picky, and if 2 people are interested in adding a third, the vetting process is exhaustive (multiple pictures of all parties from multiple angles and sexual preference resume as well as hosting negotiations).” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“We typically get to know someone in a group setting (not that kind of group—just out with friends) and then, if they seem like they would be interested after some mild flirting, my wife messages them asking if we can take them out—like on a real date, not just drinks or straight to our house.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“I would say the most common way we go about setting up threesomes is probably through Grindr.” —Sutter, 27, Columbus
“I approach someone with my partner there, flirt with the person enough to make it obvious, then have my partner flirt with them as well. You can kind of immediately tell if they’re into it or not, and I bow out if they seem in anyway confused or uncomfortable. It’s less awkward than you might think!” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Being intimate with a new person, the experience of seducing someone as a couple, and the various, um, ‘configurations’ you can try with a third person.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Threesomes are as hot as the people involved. If sex with person A is hot, and sex with person B is hot, then it would stand to reason that sex with A and B at the same time would be just as hot, if not hotter. Threesomes, on their own, are not inherently hot.” —Yvonne, 29, Charlotte
“It's like being IN a porn that you are also watching. Also the attention. Also the taboo of it? If that makes sense? I love watching people fuck. I love fucking. Porque no los dos?” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“Actually, I’ve learned some new ways to push my husband’s buttons because of the way a third engages with him or tries something on him. So threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your own partner and yourself sexually.” —Ben, 32, Boston
“There are times where taking a break and watching your partner with someone can be a blast too. My wife, for example, shocked herself how quickly she would climax just watching me with another man” —Andre, 29, Houston
“It’s often been an all night affair and not just a 20-30 minute experience, which to me is pretty great!” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“My first threesome was my best friend and I going up to a guy at a party and being really straightforward and asking if he would like to have a threesome with us.”—Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“My partner is a top; I am too (sometimes I bottom, he never bottoms). Oral got old and I wanted to keep dating, but not limit my sex to only our interactions. I was trying really hard to make ‘just us’ sex work, but after about three months of being sexually frustrated we had a talk and both revealed we had no problem being open.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“My partner and I were both sharing stories about our sexual histories this one time, and the topic of threesomes came up. We both said we had them, and my partner said he wanted to have that experience with me, too.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“No kissing anyone else. No cuddling anyone else. No sensual massaging. Basically nothing that we consider ‘intimate.’ [For us] it is not making love. It is sex. Just sex. I look at it the same way as if I used a sex toy to enhance things. In that moment, the other people involved are simply toys.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“Generally not strangers or close friends. They must be single. Not in an open relationship or poly, but single. We are open to all genders; it’s very much a matter of personal chemistry.”—Keith, 32, Houston
“I like to watch my girlfriend have sex with other women. I usually don't have sex with the women beyond oral sex. Sometimes my girlfriend will insist I have sex with someone and if I feel up to it, I will.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“I think the most important rule is that no partner should ever be ‘taking one for the team.’ If you're not on the same page or one person isn't enthusiastically into an experience, then don't do it.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“My boyfriend is no longer allowed to finish inside of another woman. We did it one time and I had a more emotional response than I expected to, so we vowed never again on that one” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“Larger group-sex events are way easier to organize. The ‘buffet style’ seems to make people more comfortable. I think the idea is, I'm not into everyone here but I'm into enough of them that I can pick what I want and avoid what I don't.’ A three way with two interested parties and one lukewarm party can be disappointing for that lonely 33% of the group.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“If you [have threesomes] somewhat regularly, take breaks or long stretches of time where you just focus on each other as a couple.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Another logistical concern if one person in your threesome is male—condoms. If you’re having penetrative sex and want to use condoms it might take more than one as there is a lot of switching around involved in a threesome. It can get tricky.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Having a big bed is kind of important, and an extra room for a person to actually sleep in really helps—three in one bed can be a problem. And in the MMF (two guys, one woman) threesomes, neither guy wants to actually sleep in the same bed. The drive home and breakfast the following day can be funny or awkward, depending on the people involved. And if you’re a man joining an MMF threesome, make sure you discuss whether there will be any male to male interaction beforehand.” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“That it’s an approved form of cheating, or a good way to spice up your sex life. —Shane, 28, Seattle
“They aren’t awkward! I have had friends tell me that they wouldn’t know what to do or that they’d feel self-conscious or weird. I think it works the same way as two people having sex – if you just ask what they like, discuss your expectations upfront, and are all in agreement, it can be amazingly fun.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Most people think that if you date someone who is bisexual they will be open to threesomes. This is not the case. Just like unisexual people, some bisexual people favor monogamous relationships and some are open to threesomes. I start with the assumption that every person favors monogamy absent signs that they are into threesomes.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“That everybody needs to be involved throughout the entirety of the experience.” —Logan, 28, Miami
“We have great sex on our own, so we’re not using threesomes to ‘fix’ things or as a distraction.” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“We set ourselves up for success by assuring our third beforehand that they can drop out at any point if they feel uncomfortable! We run into this at times because we have sex with men who have never had sex with women and women who have never been with men. We may be their first time and they’re not sure how they’re going to feel about it.” —Kelsey, 30, Austin
“When planning a threesome ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you really want to do this for yourself and not to keep your partner happy. Be ready to laugh at yourself. As awkward as two bodies can be, a third is exponentially tricky.” —Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“I did watch some threesome porn back when I first became interested, to see what positions might work best or help keep everyone involved. I think that helped me feel less like I would mess something up. If you are the couple, go over your rules. Are you comfortable with everything? What are you interested in doing, what are they interested in doing? Do you plan on letting the third spend the night? Should the third know any important information about either of you?” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Look, fucking multiple people at once is just mathematically difficult, it may not work and there's no prep you can do to make sure it goes flawlessly. Best thing you can do is remember that, bluntly, at the end of the day your partner matters more than the third, and make sure you're not ignoring their feelings in the moment. It can be a whirlwind, people can change on a dime. A willingness to fail, learn from it, and laugh at your mistakes is more important than any multitasking skill! If you're the type of person that can't laugh at a fart during sex, this just may not be for you!” —Andre, 29, Houston
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Is a threesome something that you just fall into and let take you for a
ride? Or is it something that requires long-term work and
persuasion—like a political campaign? Neither of my “chances” for a threesome really worked out: One time we were hosting a party and two girls who didn’t seem to know
anyone showed up. They were in the kitchen with us riling us up by
telling us that they kissed from time to time. We tried the oldest one
in the book: reverse psychology (which historically never worked) “Yeah, right. You guys don’t kiss. No way. You’re all talk.” That’s all it took. Before we knew it, the girls were kissing.
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Is a threesome something that you just fall into and let take you for a ride? Or is it something that requires long-term work and persuasion—like a political campaign?
Neither of my "chances" for a threesome really worked out:
One time we were hosting a party and two girls who didn't seem to know anyone showed up. They were in the kitchen with us riling us up by telling us that they kissed from time to time. We tried the oldest one in the book: reverse psychology (which historically never worked)
"Yeah, right. You guys don't kiss. No way. You're all talk."
That's all it took. Before we knew it, the girls were kissing. The kitchen fell silent and someone switched off the lights. My friend and I moved in for a closer, almost scientific look. We orbited the girls and craned our necks to get every last angle of the kiss like two paleontologists examining every nook and cranny of a fossil.
At this moment, everything I'd ever dreamed of seemed possible...until my uncoordinated brutish friend Bryan decided that it was time for everyone to go out to the bars. He came barreling into the kitchen:
"Ok, everyone time to go, let's go!" He stated it with the urgency and burley anger of a bouncer closing down the bar. He also switched on the light. The girls looked like they snapped out of whatever trance they were in.
My fellow paleontologist friend tried his best:
"Ok girls, I guess all that's left to do now is for all of us to go upstairs and get naked."

"Um, no." I guess they had had enough.
The whole ordeal earned my friend Bryan the nickname "Albino Moose". I told him that he had ruined a moment. During the kiss, in the silence of the dark kitchen, my friend and I were like two entomologists (opens in new tab) who had just discovered a new species of butterfly daintily sitting on a leaf in the forest. We wanted to catch the butterfly in our nets, study it, experience it. And, just as we were about to snare the butterfly a gigantic ignorant moose came trampling through and made the butterfly fly away. My friend Bryan is opaquely white, so he wasn't just a moose. He was an Albino Moose.
People who ruin threesomes deserve bad nicknames. But my other "chance"—and I don't think this was even a chance—was ruined by me.
I met a girl and her roommate in a bar and we began sharing a fishbowl—the ultimate symbol of camaraderie. We decided to head back to their apartment and on the way out I mentioned to my friend: "I'm just going to go for it: threesome".
He looked at me full of hope, like the wife of an American pioneer about to set off for the wild west—determined to make a better life for his family. Back at the girls' apartment, I tried the old "you don't get anywhere unless you ask". I lied down on the couch, '70's porn star style (opens in new tab) and said:
"OK girls, time for you all to make out in front of me."

"Actually, no. Now we want you to leave."
OK, so that didn't work. I probably ruined my chance to even be with one of them, but I got in my mind that I had a chance for a threesome. And, like any good gambler, if even the slightest chance is there—you go for the big prize instead of the safe one. But often, you walk away empty handed.
It seems like I just want to do it to tell my friends a threesome story. I'd be nervous to try one with a serious girlfriend. I'd be worried that she liked being with the girl better—after all, a girl should know better than a guy how to touch another girl, right? I'd feel like if I touched another girl other than my girlfriend that the residual guilt and memory would eventually catch up with both of us and would cause a rift in our relationship.
So, if I even got to do it, I'm not sure if it's all about the actual threesome, or the idea of a threesome and telling my buddies. Maybe I'm just lazy and want to watch two girls together from the comfort of the couch.
Have any of you ever tried it? What seems easier—doing it with a boyfriend/husband, or more of a guy you're having fun with that's not serious? Do you have any funny stories about guys or friends trying to get you to do it?

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Pro tip: Make sure the bed is actually big enough for all three of you to sleep in together afterward.
While having a threesome right now is def not the best idea given the pandemic, the idea of
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