How Do You Suck Someone Off
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How Do You Suck Someone Off
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Apr 28, 2014 at 3:44 pm
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A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”
OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.
Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.
So strap in, it’s going down! You can read more Let's Do It with Bri Pruett stories like " How to Suck a Dick—Part 2 ," " How to Get Your Dick Sucked ," " How to Pick a Sex Playlist ," and more here !
HOW TO SUCK A DICK 1. You gotta really want to suck that dick
A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?
Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.
I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it's a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.
And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL , and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.
No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob. 2. First Contact You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE ?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it. Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).
PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?
There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.
With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact. 2a. Position
OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)
In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.
Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!
Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.
On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!
Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs, @BriPruett
By January Nelson
Updated November 23, 2018
Ask Reddit can help you purge the toxic people from your life.
By January Nelson
Updated November 23, 2018
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1. I wish we were better strangers.
2. Sometimes you just meet someone, and you instantly realize you wanna spend your whole life without them.
3. To most people I say, Auf Wiedersehen, which means the equivalent of ‘see you later’; but to you sir, as I have no intention of ever speaking with you again, I say, goodbye.
4. I envy those that haven’t met you.
5. There is nothing to be gained by further conversation. Goodbye.
6. I think it’s best if you pretend we never met, I already have. Thank you for your understanding.
7. I value your opinion and wish to pick up this conversation at a later date.
8. If I never hear you speak again it will still be far too soon.
9. I no longer wish to put any time or effort into pursing any type of relationship with you.
10. All things must come to an end. Whatever this is must also come to an end. Enjoy your life.
11. I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.
12. Spare me the pleasure of your company.
13. Is $20 enough to convince you to leave me alone for the rest of my life?
15. I’m going to fuck off now, I think you should too.
16. The hardest choices require the strongest wills. We mustn’t interact with one another no more.
17. With all due respect, I feel this conversation is not going anywhere. We’re talking ourselves in circles and it’s clear that we are not equipped to agree with one another. Take care.
18. Best of luck to you and hope life treats you the way you deserve.
19. I won’t do this song and dance with you. I’m letting the music play out.
20. I don’t wish you any ill will, but I have no desire to speak to you ever again.
21. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
22. You’re highly affectively affecting my life quality in a negative manner and therefore I need you to stay at least a timezone away from me.
23. Off is the general direction in which you should fuck. Kindly refrain from contacting me again.
24. I liked you better as a stranger.
26. I would like to be more polite, but I have no interest in continuing a conversation with you.
27. Escort thyself from my existence, and consider not another utterance.
28. Just going out for some smokes sport, see you in five minutes…
29. May you engage in sexual intercourse far from here, whilst nevermore burdening thyself in confabulation with yours truly.
30. I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
31. I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express how i feel about you.
33. I don’t think it will be necessary for us to see each other again.
34 . Hey, I really gotta go, and I’m really busy lately. Tell you what, I’ll call you when I’m less busy.
35. Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle.
36. I will let you know when you matter.
37. I think we are having too many unhappy moments. Maybe we could try this again in the future.
39. Be on with your life, friend.
40. I think it would be best for both of us if we each went our own way from here.
41. I don’t find conversing with you to be productive. Enjoy your day.
42. I’m even less interested in you than in finishing this sentence, thus…
43. Clearly ONE of us has made a mistake, and wasted the OTHER’s valuable time.
44. The way I’m feeling right now is that I never want to talk to you again. I’m asking you to respect that feeling. If I ever feel differently, I’ll let you know. Until that time comes, and I’m not saying it will, please don’t contact me.
46. There are 171,476 words in the English dictionary but none describe how much I wish to hit you with a chair.
47. Why don’t you make like a tree, and get out of here?
48. You possess all of the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire. I hope that we can become better strangers to each other.
49. This is where we part ways. I wish you the best, but it’s important that you no longer contact me.
You: “I love you/miss you, we should hang out etc.”
January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.
Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog . Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page .
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You came (wink-wink, see what I did there?), saw, and conquered your fear of stigma and decided to research websites answering the question, “ can I suck my own dick ?” Great! I’m glad you are researching this subject before jumping in headfirst .
I’m all in for that, and backing you up all the way. To each its own. Whatever floats your boat, captain. Hey, I’ve done the same thing and ALMOST sucked my own cock! That’s right. You cannot deny the power of human curiosity. Men will not admit it, but most of us have thought about what it would feel like to suck our own dicks.
Obviously, you are unsure how to begin the self-head-giving process. We’re here to help. Before you jump headfirst into this guide, remember this: to develop the proper skills to suck your own dick will not be an overnight process. Achievement requires dedicated practice every single day for the long haul.
We have outlined tried-and-true cock blowing techniques in this detailed guide. If studied and executed correctly, you can become a self-dick sucking machine in no time. Think of it like this: you have the best tool at your disposal to learn the craft and perfect the moves-your own body.
★ EDITOR’S CHOICE – THE BEST DICK SUCKING MACHINES OF 2021★
First, before I begin with the guide, let’s start with a little personal story to motivate your quest…
20 years ago my ugly-duckling syndromic self was sitting in my hot, sweaty bedroom with my hormones raging. I had a strong desire to feel a warm moist mouth wrapped around my dick and would do almost anything to achieve that pursuit, but I did not have the luxury to get another person with an available mouth, which led to an enlightening thought of sucking my own dick .
I grabbed a rollaway bed and folded it halfway, laid my body on the carpet in front of it, pulled my legs all the way back towards my head Ta-chi style (My body had better flexibility back then), and managed to pull the bed on top of my legs to pull my penis closer to my mouth. I could hardly breathe, but my need to get some neck was so strong, so I pushed my head forward. I then used all my strength to thrust my pelvic area towards my mouth and managed to get the tip of my dick to touch my lips. Success!
Some of you might be more successful at achieving a self-blowjob than I was. However, note something: you don’t have to settle with sucking your own dick, man. I know you’re an open-minded, adventurous person who loves to try new things-I get it. But nothing is wrong with letting a consenting adult do the dick sucking for you.
Check out Adult Friend Finder to find all types of cock suckers tonight with various skill sets ready to put in the work, tonight or any night for that matter!
To make this process work flawlessly in your favor, you need to be a preferably fit person. That means eliminating an unhealthy diet and adopting one that benefits your regimen.
For example, overly muscular guys or potbelly men would likely have a more difficult time bringing their legs to their heads and getting their lips to touch the tip than someone fit and slim.
A way around this obstacle if you have some meat on your bones is doing stretching exercises every single day if you are not already doing them.
Doing yoga exercises is a great way to increase body flexibility, and get it used to doing extreme stretches you never thought possible. Moreover, yoga exercise is relaxing and will help you mentally cope with whatever life adversity is pushing you to suck your own dick-some people believe that mentally sound people are not sitting around thinking about putting their mouths on their cocks. I am!
Consulting a yoga instructor will help in the quest, but never reveal to anyone in the class that you are enrolled specifically to suck your own cock. Your ass might get kicked out of the class or even the authorities called on you.
Thankfully, you have my experience to help. Here is an easy two-step stretching exercise to help you adapt better positions:
Repeat these steps everyday and you should be able to lie down on the floor with your legs spread apart as far as they will go, and curl your back enough to bring the penis to your mouth.
You have now unlocked an easy way to suck your own cock!
My personal method required me lying on the floor because that worked for me. You have to move your ligaments around and test different positions to discover what works for you.
The proper way to correctly position your body, however, is by sitting upright, and pulling your legs straight up towards the ceiling – get someone to help you get them there the first time if you are not that flexible yet.
Then, you will push your head down towards your penis and should have no problem bopping on your corn on the cob. Use the free hand to raise the hard cock up to create better aerodynamics reaching your mouth.
Plenty of ‘autofellatio’ videos display this method and there is no shortage of them on the world wide web.
If you are unsuccessful at giving yours
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