How 3D Printing and Bad Decisions Revolutionized Crime

The 3D printing revolution has taken a dark turn as would-be criminals discover they can manufacture terrible life choices layer by layer. Police report a surge in "exceptionally dumb" crimes involving printed guns that jam after one shot, counterfeit money that says "For Movie Use Only," and shivs that melt in hot water. "These aren't masterminds - they're guys who watched half a YouTube tutorial," sighed Detective Mark Ruiz, holding up a "flexible" printed handcuff key. The technology has been particularly popular among aspiring bank robbers, though most are caught when they stop at Office Depot to buy more filament mid-crime-spree. Forensic experts note the silver lining - printed weapons leave perfect layer-line fingerprints. Meanwhile, prisons are struggling with an influx of inmates whose tattoos say "Property of [3D Printer Brand]" after failed attempts to remove homemade ink.