How 3D Printing and Bad Decisions Revolutionized Crime

The 3D printing revolution has taken a dark turn as amateur criminals discover they can manufacture terrible life choices layer by layer. Police report a surge in "exceptionally dumb" crimes involving printed guns that jam after one shot, counterfeit money that says "Fake Bank of Kevin," and shivs that melt in hot water. "These aren't master criminals - they're just guys who watched two YouTube tutorials," sighed one detective, holding up a "flexible" printed handcuff key. The technology has been particularly popular among would-be bank robbers, though most are caught when they stop at Staples to refill their printer ink mid-crime-spree. Meanwhile, prisons are struggling with an influx of inmates whose tattoos read "Property of [printer brand]" after failed attempts to remove homemade ink. Forensic experts note the silver lining: "At least they all leave perfect layer-line fingerprints."