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Francesca Di Meglio is a writer, reporter, and editor with nearly 20 years of experience covering everything from relationship to business.
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In the years since becoming the Guide to Newlyweds, I have learned more about infidelity than I ever thought I would. Frankly, most of it makes me sick to my stomach. I've learned of many real stories of cheating - not what you see in the movies but real people being unfaithful - and the consequences of an affair are so grave that I'm not sure how someone can actually go through with it. Cheating on your spouse can end your marriage. If it doesn't end it, it can damage it so badly that it will never be the same.
The stories below are true, but I've left out names and identifying characteristics to protect people. I'm not sharing these stories to air dirty laundry but rather to give you an idea of how embarrassing and devastating cheating can be. If it helps anyone think twice about being unfaithful, then it was worth it. Here goes:
A father and young daughter (about 7 years old) surprise mom at the dance studio where she works. They find her in the altogether with another man. The daughter is confused and traumatized by what she saw. She confides in her classmate, who is the same age, hoping she will get answers. Instead, the classmate just tells the story to her own parents, who now know what's happening in this other couple's marriage. The mother lives with the shame and guilt of cheating on her husband but also cheating on her children - and getting caught by both.
A woman brings another woman into her marriage. Eventually, she prefers the couple's girlfriend to her husband. They divorce and she and the woman continue their relationship while living in the house she had built with her husband. The couple tries to be cordial, but the husband feels awkward. He feels as though he was second best when they had been committed to one another for life at their marriage ceremony. Even though he wants to create a good relationship with his ex for the sake of his kids, his ego has taken a shot and he is not sure how to get over it. He misses his wife, and he feels like a failure .
A couple is all set to walk down the aisle. They have an apartment together, have set a date for their wedding, and even met with a priest. The bride seems to get cold feet a few weeks before the wedding. People think she's just a runaway bride. But it turns out she was having an affair for a long while and was in love with someone else throughout the wedding planning. She moves out of the place with her fiancee and moves right into a new place with her boyfriend.
Two lovebirds start dating in their youth. The years go by and they seem to be heading toward marriage. They take each other - and the relationship - for granted. Next thing you know, the guy is standing outside some other guy's apartment at 2 in the morning to confirm his suspicions of his long-time girlfriend having an affair. Guess what? She walks out around 4 a.m. He was right and young love is good and dead.
A guy gets some bad news, goes to a bar, gets drunk, gets oral sex from a woman he barely knows - and claims to have forgotten when he gets home to his girlfriend, the one he begged to return to him.
Wife receives an anonymous letter suggesting her husband of one year, with whom she has recently lost a baby, was cheating on her with one of her best friends for years. The husband and friend both deny it. But the damage is done. The wife is left wondering - for always - if it's true and why they were mentioned in this letter in the first place. She stays with her husband because she believes in marriage and has no solid proof that he was unfaithful. She doesn't even know who wrote the letter. But she can never look at her husband the same way. Her relationship with her girlfriend is over. They haven't even spoken since the denial.
A woman runs off to Miami with her boyfriend and leaves her teenage children and husband of nearly 20 years with barely an explanation. Even her own father can't forgive her.
Wife finds receipts for jewelry that she never received, and she recognizes signs of trails of affairs her husband has had over the years. Their own sex life ended years earlier. Still, she puts up with his cheating heart - even when he flirts with other young girls right in front of her - until the day she passes away. Now that she's gone, her husband wishes he had been faithful and treated her differently. He misses her. It's a classic case of not knowing what you have until it's gone.
Husband, who has been married for more than 25 years, takes off with the young foreign woman who has been a housekeeper for him and his wife for the last few months. Even though his wife is angry with him for the affair and for leaving her, she still wants him back . She even asks his cousin to try and convince him to return to her. She still loves him.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com .
A couple years ago—about 10 years into our marriage and amid our trying to fix some desire discrepancy issues—my wife confessed that she cheated on me with a good friend of ours, someone who was in our wedding party and has since made moves on her. This took place about a year before we were engaged, so a long time ago. While we have come a long way, it’s taken me a long time to get over this because of certain details. The biggest of these details is that she told me he performed a particular act for her, one that she enjoyed—an act she won’t let me perform on her. I’m very attracted to my wife; I couldn’t feel like a luckier guy. She is not the most (or least) sexually adventurous person; nor am I. I’m quite happy with our sex life, except that one thing. I’m slightly obsessed with it. She seems to enjoy porn that contains it, and she’s had it and liked it before, but doesn’t want it from me. She claims it’s a hygiene issue, but I feel like that is easy enough to solve. Simply put, I’m not going to do something she says she doesn’t want. At the same time, I really want to shed my insecurity about her getting freaky on the low with our old friend but not me. The male psyche is a little ridiculous, I realize. What should I do?
At least you’ve still got your sense of humor.
Your wife might be having a bit of a madonna/whore moment over the hygiene issue. It might feel like it’s one thing to let someone she’s having a short affair with do—something that mildly squicks her out—and a whole other thing to have the same mouth she intends to kiss goodnight forever be one that’s just removed from her rectum. You could try broaching the subject of a dental dam (a barrier generally used to reduce the possibility of passing sexually transmittable infections) to see if that solves the hygiene concern. You might find that your wife has other qualms about participating in analingus, and if that’s the case, you should probably drop the subject for now. Since you (applaudably!) don’t want to do anything she doesn’t want to do, you’ll want to be cautious with anything that might feel like coercion or nagging.
Yes, the male psyche can be a bit silly. So can the female. Be gentle with yourself for having feelings. Insecurity and jealousy are completely reasonable reactions to learning of an infidelity, even if it occurred a long time ago. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions. Your wife may never allow you to eat her ass. You should probably begin preparing for that now, and focus on the things you do love about your existing sex life, which sounds like plenty.
I am a fortysomething pansexual woman who’s been in a monogamous heterosexual marriage for 15 years. I didn’t mind being monogamous. We have kids, so it’s not like I had the time or energy for more than one romance.
However, the kids are older now, and my husband and I agreed to open up the sexual aspects of the relationship—which I look forward to, but there are a few hooks:
1) I do not want to be polyamorous. A single romantic relationship is quite time-consuming enough. I just want to hang out, bone, and go home.
2) My taste is not vanilla. I need my sex to be safe, sane, and consensual, with a partner who respects safe words.
3) Even if I don’t want to be polyam, I still want to know my play partner beyond filling in the kink questionnaire. Imagine accidentally screwing a Trump supporter, a men’s rights activist, or Gamergater. I would have to bathe in bleach forever.
How do I find someone I trust enough to play with, but not get into a relationship territory? Do I look for FWB? I have one poly dom friend who is flirting heavily with me, but she is married to a close friend of my husband and that seems like a potential can of worms. Do I go to munches? Do I put “no romance, but we should hang and see if we want to have kinky sex” in my Tinder profile?
You seem really clear on what you want and what you don’t want. That’s great. It’s important to know what your boundaries are and what you’re looking for. You might want to consider other dating sites and apps along with Tinder. Some cater to the kink community and others are popular with non-monogamous people, who are likelier to be accepting of your open marriage and proficient at navigating creative relationship styles. (Try FetLife, which caters to kinksters, or OkCupid, which has a lot of poly people for some indiscernible reason.) Whichever service you end up going with, your instinct about what to put in your profile feels spot on. You’ll probably want to disclose the fact of your existing marriage before the end of the first date, and definitely before you decide to meet up.
The tricky part is going to be getting people to hear your boundaries and internalize them. Casual friendship with sex is, in my experience, one of the hardest things to maintain without slipping into an emotionally serious relationship. Be extremely clear on the front end. Figure out what, for you, demarcates the line of romantic relationship: Define what you do and don’t want, and communicate that as thoroughly as possible. Ask your potential partners what they’re after, and ask them to use specific hypothetical examples. Be alert for indications that they haven’t heard or have forgotten your boundaries, such as discussions of a future you don’t want or that disregards your relationship with your husband.
Remember that you’re looking for something fairly specific, and that means it might take some time before you find someone whose interests match up with what you have to offer. And to specifically address your husband’s friend’s wife, that does seem potentially sticky. Or combustible. Or both. If you do decide to pursue that, make sure everyone involved is having emotionally honest communication with each other. Best of luck.
I’m a man. I do not nor have ever smoked myself … but I get fully aroused watching a woman smoke. My erections are stronger, and my orgasm more intense, if my partner smokes during our activities. But I’m always
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