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How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them
Steer clear of these common threesome pitfalls.
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Wise men. Little pigs. Jonas Brothers. If you’ve seen any image of Idris Elba in a three piece suit you get it. Three is a magic number, especially when it comes to sex. The allure of the ménage à trois cannot be ignored. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who interviewed over 4,000 couples for his book Tell Me What You Want, having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy , although men seem to be a bit more intrigued by the idea ( a separate study showed that 82% of men and 31% of women reported at least some interest in having a threesome).
However, people aren’t actually having that many threesomes , only 3% of people surveyed had a threesome in the past year, and only 1% of people surveyed had one in the past month. So, I reached out to people who have “regular or semi-regular” threesomes, and I learned a lot about what it takes to make one happen , and what makes them so damn hot.
“Before I was into all of this I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Now that I recognize like-minded people, it is easy to sense someone’s ‘vibe’. It’s actually shocking how many people (especially couples) are out at the bars hoping to find a new recruit.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“I joke with my gay friends that setting up a threesome with two other gay men is more complicated than negotiating peace in the Middle East. Gay men tend to be VERY sexually picky, and if 2 people are interested in adding a third, the vetting process is exhaustive (multiple pictures of all parties from multiple angles and sexual preference resume as well as hosting negotiations).” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“We typically get to know someone in a group setting (not that kind of group—just out with friends) and then, if they seem like they would be interested after some mild flirting, my wife messages them asking if we can take them out—like on a real date, not just drinks or straight to our house.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“I would say the most common way we go about setting up threesomes is probably through Grindr.” —Sutter, 27, Columbus
“I approach someone with my partner there, flirt with the person enough to make it obvious, then have my partner flirt with them as well. You can kind of immediately tell if they’re into it or not, and I bow out if they seem in anyway confused or uncomfortable. It’s less awkward than you might think!” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Being intimate with a new person, the experience of seducing someone as a couple, and the various, um, ‘configurations’ you can try with a third person.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Threesomes are as hot as the people involved. If sex with person A is hot, and sex with person B is hot, then it would stand to reason that sex with A and B at the same time would be just as hot, if not hotter. Threesomes, on their own, are not inherently hot.” —Yvonne, 29, Charlotte
“It's like being IN a porn that you are also watching. Also the attention. Also the taboo of it? If that makes sense? I love watching people fuck. I love fucking. Porque no los dos?” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“Actually, I’ve learned some new ways to push my husband’s buttons because of the way a third engages with him or tries something on him. So threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your own partner and yourself sexually.” —Ben, 32, Boston
“There are times where taking a break and watching your partner with someone can be a blast too. My wife, for example, shocked herself how quickly she would climax just watching me with another man” —Andre, 29, Houston
“It’s often been an all night affair and not just a 20-30 minute experience, which to me is pretty great!” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“My first threesome was my best friend and I going up to a guy at a party and being really straightforward and asking if he would like to have a threesome with us.”—Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“My partner is a top; I am too (sometimes I bottom, he never bottoms). Oral got old and I wanted to keep dating, but not limit my sex to only our interactions. I was trying really hard to make ‘just us’ sex work, but after about three months of being sexually frustrated we had a talk and both revealed we had no problem being open.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“My partner and I were both sharing stories about our sexual histories this one time, and the topic of threesomes came up. We both said we had them, and my partner said he wanted to have that experience with me, too.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“No kissing anyone else. No cuddling anyone else. No sensual massaging. Basically nothing that we consider ‘intimate.’ [For us] it is not making love. It is sex. Just sex. I look at it the same way as if I used a sex toy to enhance things. In that moment, the other people involved are simply toys.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“Generally not strangers or close friends. They must be single. Not in an open relationship or poly, but single. We are open to all genders; it’s very much a matter of personal chemistry.”—Keith, 32, Houston
“I like to watch my girlfriend have sex with other women. I usually don't have sex with the women beyond oral sex. Sometimes my girlfriend will insist I have sex with someone and if I feel up to it, I will.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“I think the most important rule is that no partner should ever be ‘taking one for the team.’ If you're not on the same page or one person isn't enthusiastically into an experience, then don't do it.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“My boyfriend is no longer allowed to finish inside of another woman. We did it one time and I had a more emotional response than I expected to, so we vowed never again on that one” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“Larger group-sex events are way easier to organize. The ‘buffet style’ seems to make people more comfortable. I think the idea is, I'm not into everyone here but I'm into enough of them that I can pick what I want and avoid what I don't.’ A three way with two interested parties and one lukewarm party can be disappointing for that lonely 33% of the group.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“If you [have threesomes] somewhat regularly, take breaks or long stretches of time where you just focus on each other as a couple.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Another logistical concern if one person in your threesome is male—condoms. If you’re having penetrative sex and want to use condoms it might take more than one as there is a lot of switching around involved in a threesome. It can get tricky.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Having a big bed is kind of important, and an extra room for a person to actually sleep in really helps—three in one bed can be a problem. And in the MMF (two guys, one woman) threesomes, neither guy wants to actually sleep in the same bed. The drive home and breakfast the following day can be funny or awkward, depending on the people involved. And if you’re a man joining an MMF threesome, make sure you discuss whether there will be any male to male interaction beforehand.” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“That it’s an approved form of cheating, or a good way to spice up your sex life. —Shane, 28, Seattle
“They aren’t awkward! I have had friends tell me that they wouldn’t know what to do or that they’d feel self-conscious or weird. I think it works the same way as two people having sex – if you just ask what they like, discuss your expectations upfront, and are all in agreement, it can be amazingly fun.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Most people think that if you date someone who is bisexual they will be open to threesomes. This is not the case. Just like unisexual people, some bisexual people favor monogamous relationships and some are open to threesomes. I start with the assumption that every person favors monogamy absent signs that they are into threesomes.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“That everybody needs to be involved throughout the entirety of the experience.” —Logan, 28, Miami
“We have great sex on our own, so we’re not using threesomes to ‘fix’ things or as a distraction.” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“We set ourselves up for success by assuring our third beforehand that they can drop out at any point if they feel uncomfortable! We run into this at times because we have sex with men who have never had sex with women and women who have never been with men. We may be their first time and they’re not sure how they’re going to feel about it.” —Kelsey, 30, Austin
“When planning a threesome ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you really want to do this for yourself and not to keep your partner happy. Be ready to laugh at yourself. As awkward as two bodies can be, a third is exponentially tricky.” —Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“I did watch some threesome porn back when I first became interested, to see what positions might work best or help keep everyone involved. I think that helped me feel less like I would mess something up. If you are the couple, go over your rules. Are you comfortable with everything? What are you interested in doing, what are they interested in doing? Do you plan on letting the third spend the night? Should the third know any important information about either of you?” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Look, fucking multiple people at once is just mathematically difficult, it may not work and there's no prep you can do to make sure it goes flawlessly. Best thing you can do is remember that, bluntly, at the end of the day your partner matters more than the third, and make sure you're not ignoring their feelings in the moment. It can be a whirlwind, people can change on a dime. A willingness to fail, learn from it, and laugh at your mistakes is more important than any multitasking skill! If you're the type of person that can't laugh at a fart during sex, this just may not be for you!” —Andre, 29, Houston
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My Husband And I Had A Threesome And It Saved Our Marriage
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By Jenny Block — Written on Apr 18, 2020
I was 17 when my sexual education began.
"You are responsible for your own orgasm," my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm.
I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That’s why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers.
I know it may sound decadent or like a throwback to the "free love" of the '60s. But really, for all the hype, "open marriage" is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven’t been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, "Why on earth didn’t we think of this before?"
I have always liked sex. I mean really, really liked sex. I have been accused, in fact, of "thinking like a man." That is, of seeing sex as something wholly separate from love. That's part of what an open marriage is.
When my husband and I first started dating, it was obvious even then that our drives were quite different. As much as he enjoyed sex, he didn’t need or want it as often as I did. But I fell so madly in love with him, I figured it didn’t matter.
Three years into our marriage, I began to feel itchy. So I had an affair. She was beautiful, an artist I met through a mutual friend. I deliberately chose to have an affair with a woman, rationalizing that it wasn't as bad as sleeping with another man. (Simply by virtue of his gender, my husband never could be for me what she could be.)
She wasn't the first woman I’d been with. When my husband and I began dating, I told him that I was bisexual.
"I don't care who you were with before," he told me. "But once it’s just you and me, it's just you and me." And that’s why — as lovely and sweet as my affair with Artist Girl was — it was awful, too. I felt sick about lying to my husband, sick about wanting to be with her, sick for not just calling it off — or avoiding it in the first place.
I thought hard about how I had gotten there. At first, I figured that my being with her really was about my bisexuality, about a part of me that I simply couldn't brush aside. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wasn’t true: It was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide.
My relationship with Artist Girl ended very, very badly. One night while in bed with her husband, she told him about us, foolishly thinking it would "turn him on." It didn't.
He was furious and threatened to tell my husband. I knew I had to tell him myself. When I confessed, he was crushed, more because I had lied to him than because I had slept with her. I cried and cried, wondering if I had destroyed my marriage, if he would leave me, but also wondering if I would ever be happy, ever be sexually satisfied, ever find a way to make this work.
We didn't talk about it much for several years. He couldn't. I would ask him once in a while if he was "OK," and he would tell me he was fine. Eventually, I believed him. I was keeping my nose clean, and we were bumping along — hitting rough patches, but bumping along.
We had an adequate sex life; probably pretty darn good by some standards. Still, there were always things I wanted that I simply couldn’t get from him.
"I want you to talk dirty to me," I told him. "To tie me up. To attack me in the middle of the day on the kitchen floor." 
"I can’t, baby," he'd say, drawing me into his arms. "I love you."
And slowly I began to figure it out. For my husband, sex with me was about loving me. And loving me was about caring for and respecting me. Although there are people who can manage that duality (or plurality), my husband simply couldn’t. And I wasn't sure he should have to. But I also wasn't sure that I should have to go without.
One day, on a whim, really, I asked my husband about a longtime friend of mine. She had once been a grad student at the university where I taught. I had helped her get through research papers, exams, and first-time teaching assignments. She spent a lot of long nights and weekend afternoons at our house during those two years, and we became close friends. Even after finishing her degree, she still spent a lot of time at the house.
"Have you ever thought about sleeping with her?" I asked him.
"No," he said. My husband has no poker face. "OK, yes, but ..."
"Well, first of all, she'd never want to sleep with me. She's 10 years younger than I am. And second, I don't want to be with anyone else."
"Well," he said, "I mean, I don't need to."
"But do you want to?" I didn’t need him to answer me. It was clear that, in his head, he was already there.
"So, of course I’d like to sleep with her. But what about you?"
"Of course," I replied. "I'd like to sleep with her too, silly."
"That's not what I meant," he said.
"She's dying to sleep with you, you know."
It was true — I knew she was interested. We'd joked about it plenty of times before. "When are you going to let me at that hot husband of yours?" she'd ask me.
I started teasing my husband about it every now and then. Sometimes when we'd have sex I'd talk about her being there. It always was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide, that pushed him over the edge.
"Let's do it," I said to her one night when we were at my house, watching yet another terrible, made-for-TV movie. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Yeah," she said. "As long as you're positive it won't mess us up."
"I don't think it will," I said. "But you know I can't promise that."
"I know," she said. "But promise me anyway."
A few hours later, my husband came home. He slid onto the couch next to me, putting his hand on my right thigh, under the throw blanket. Her hand was already on my left. A few seconds later, I felt their hands accidentally touch, and I saw them look at one another. I'm pretty sure that was the exact moment my husband realized what was going on.
"I'm beat," he said a short while later. "I'm going to bed."
"We'll be up soon," I said. He kissed me, and began to walk away.
"What about me?" she asked. He looked at me, and then kissed her, long and hard. Laughing, he shook his head.
"You girls," he said, as he headed upstairs. When the movie ended, we followed. We slipped into bed with my husband as if we'd done it a hundred times before, one on either side of him.
Everything that followed felt equally natural.
It was amazing to watch them together. It was hot, but it was also very sweet. She was so lost in him and he in her.
I was able to see him as a human being, if you know what I mean. Not as my husband or my daughter's father, but as a man, a sexual being, a person who wants to be wanted, who needs to be wanted.
And I know that watching her and me together was an incredible experience for him as well. She even taught him some things about how to give me pleasure. 
It sounds so deviant, I know. But it was charming, really. He held her long hair in his hands and watched her. He also stole looks at me. "I love you," he mouthed. "I love you, too," I somehow managed.
I couldn't help but notice the glances the two of them exchanged. "Not bad," his seemed to say. "See, I could teach you a thing or two," hers seemed to imply. It was weird. But it was also, well, normal. 
My husband and I had a six-month affair with my close friend. The thre
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