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Ah, the dick pic. A miracle of technology? A creepy nuisance? The Civil War love letter of our time? Regardless of your views on a guy’s Richard Picture, it is undeniable that there are only so many different ways to take a picture of your junk. Amateur cultural anthropologist (also known as "some girl on Snapchat") Reece took the time to create this safe for work, illustrated guide to the dick pic. I’ll add my commentary as we go. Let’s begin, shall we?
The Low Angle has many benefits and drawbacks. The forced perspective may make your Richard Attenborough (RIP) seem larger, but chances are your face will look at best dumb and at worst super, duper dumb. It’s just a fact that guys are terrible at making sexy faces, particularly while stretching their arms to hold a camera below their dicks. That’s basic science.
Depending on whom you ask, The Side Profile is either a classic of the genre or the lazy man’s dick pic. The plus side is you’re keeping it simple and focusing just on the dick. The downside is dicks are often not the most photogenic things. Sometimes putting something else in the frame is actually a good thing.
The Bird’s Eye View is the Wes Anderson shot of phallic photos. It presents your buddy in a new and interesting light. This raises the question of whether dicks need "new and interesting lights" in which to be presented. It’s a debate that will rage on in this country for decades to come until it tears us apart and we’re fighting brother against brother for America’s soul once more.
Technique 5: The Straight On (Reece skipped Technique 4! She’s a rebel! She looks at Math dead in the eyes and says, "Fuck you, Math.")
The Straight On, like The Side Profile is a lazy man’s choice. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the wrong choice. It’s the default option for dick pics. Don’t have time to Emmanuel Lubezki your dick pic set up? This is your best bet. Word of warning: this works best if you’re working with something impressive downstairs, because this technique is just going to show it as it is. Not a lot of room for puffery with The Straight On.
Technique 6: The Let Me Grab My Sack
The Let Me Grab My Sack is all puffery. It’s smoke and mirrors in dick-form. You’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows that’s not what your dick actually looks like, so stop squeezing it to increase your stats. This technique is false advertising and as such should be avoided at all costs.
The Counter Flop is great in that it gives full context to your stuff, but it’s also a winner because it’s somewhat whimsical. It says, "Hey, I don’t take myself too seriously. Would a guy who takes himself too seriously just leave his dick sitting on this here counter? I think not." That’s a good look on a guy.
Conclusion: Reece provided an accurate list of the different types of dick pics, but remember the most important thing about sending pictures of your penis: It’s only fun if the other person explicitly expresses a desire to see your penis. If they don’t, keep it to yourself. And that’s one to grow on.
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