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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Fifty Shades of Dick : The Best Crotch Shots in Mainstream Film
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The sad news that Fifty Shades of Grey will not feature any full-frontal has left many of us devastated. Fear not, however! Jezebel is here to pick up the rubble and distract you with the 50 best (theme, you see?) peens you can see on-screen. Trust us, these pictures will make your mood rise.
As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come to love and expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.
This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.
The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.
Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?
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46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science
39. Steven Weber, Single White Female
34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike
33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights
31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday
29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip
25. Some Random Dude All Up In John C. Reilly's Face Tyler Nilson , Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass
22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner
21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike
13. Edward Norton, American History X
12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company
1. Marco Dapper , Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds ( Call me, Marco! Also: You can see more of his work here .)
Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.
Image credits in text, top illustration by Jim Cooke.
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Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.
This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
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Taking a good dick pic can be a stressful undertaking. Not only do you need a bit of bravery to send someone a photo of your penis, but a solid execution also requires some planning and creativity. If you send out a dick pic and the recipient thinks your peen looks weird—or even worse, you send it without their consent—they’re not going to get turned on. And at the end of the day, that should be the goal of a dick pic: to get your partner aroused!
Dick pics can be arousing in various ways. Your partner might get all hot and bothered by the mere sight of your penis; contrary to popular belief, a penis can be sexy to look at—but only if photographed nicely. They may also get turned on because the dick pic is building anticipation for your next sexual encounter; you’re giving them a little tease of what they’re gonna get. “The goal of a dick pic is to spark your partner’s erotic imagination and curiosity,” says Kenneth Play , international sex educator, sex hacker, and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . “It’s anticipatory. You want to get them excited about what’s to come.”
Over my years as a sex columnist , I’ve received countless questions about how to take a proper dick pic. Guys have asked me where they should take it, when they should send it, which angles look best, and so on. To help answer all these questions and more, I enlisted the help of multiple experts. In addition to Play, I spoke to Ashley Cobb , a sexpert for Lovehoney along with Courtney Kocak and Sofiya Alexandra , co-hosts of Private Parts Unknown , a sexualities podcast exploring conversations on sex, dating, and gender. (Kocak also has an OnlyFans where you can send in dick pics and she offers “dick ratings.”) Here's everything to know about how to send a dick pic.
“Getting consent is rule number one,” Cobb says. No one wants a picture of your mushroom without knowing it’s coming. “It’s tacky and very off-putting.”
It’s not a fun surprise to receive on your phone. In fact, it could be considered sexual harassment. Texas, for example, has banned sending unsolicited dick pics. If you send someone a picture of your peen when they don’t want to see if, you can be hit with a $500 fine, reports Insider .
If you want to send a dick pic, simply ask. “Hey, can I send you something naughty that’s x-rated?” Obviously, this shouldn’t be the first thing you message someone. You should already have a rapport, and there should be some flirty sexting that happens prior to asking.
“Remember this: no face, no case,” Cobb says. “This protects you from embarrassment if the photo ends up getting leaked online—not to mention that there’s a decent chance the person on the other end of the phone will show your dick pic to their friends. They shouldn’t, but lord knows that happens."
“Like a quote, a dick pic needs context,” Alexandra says. “Show me abs, torso, and a peek at that butt. Basically, in the immortal words of E-40, ‘Show me what you workin’ wit.’” This can also help give context to how big your dick actually is. You may think it’s better to make your dick look humungous, but if you do that, and your dick is average , or even on the smaller side , they might feel like you misrepresented the truth. (BTW, there's nothing wrong with having a penis on the smaller side—it's just that no one appreciates false advertising!)
“And if you’re holding it, make sure your nails aren’t groaty because then I think your dick is funky,” Alexandra adds.
“Get creative with your angles and explore ones that are about teasing and seduction rather than super explicit,” Play says. “Women, especially, tend to like more seductive angles than getting up-close and personal with the jewel."
“Choose some warm and flattering lighting,” Kocak says. “Nothing turns you off more than a dick bathed in fluorescent bathroom light. Like, why is it green? Is it sick? A dick pic is not supposed to look like a BTS of your last doctor’s exam,” she says. And in a similar vein, make sure we can see your dick clearly. No one wants to see a dimly-lit penis. Folks wanna see your peen in all of its glory.
First off, the lighting in a bathroom is rarely romantic—it's often blindingly fluorescent or dim and yellowy. Second, “Toilets are not a turn-on,” Play says.
We’re not living in the '80s—full bushes aren’t hip. Tidy up down there. You don’t need to shave it completely bare, but a nice little trim will do. “Take some time to get your junk camera ready,” Play says. “It’s very much appreciated.”
“I see a fair amount of slovenly bed situations when reviewing dicks on my OnlyFans , and I have to say, it really detracts from the sex appeal,” Kocak says. “Even if I’m staring at a gorgeous cock, part of me is thinking, ‘Ew, I would never want to have sex in that bed.’”
Since that’s not the vibe you’re going for, take five minutes to clean. “Trust me, doing a quick clean beforehand is worth it!” Kocak says.
“Sending a dick pic at an inappropriate time can be embarrassing for everyone,” Cobb says. Let’s say she’s in the middle of a work meeting where her phone is connected to the screen. An unlikely situation, I’m aware, but that would be absolutely horrendous if you sent a pic then. “If you’re not sure what your partner is up to, text a simple ‘Hey, you busy? I wanna show you something ;)’ to check if it’s a good time,” Cobb says.
While yes, you should put in the time, you don’t want to overthink it. Sending a dick pic is as much for you as it is for them, so if you’re not enjoying the process of taking it and all the flirty banter that comes with it, then sending dick pics might not be right for you!
Now Reading Men Talk About Their Penises (NSFW)
The penis carries a lot of baggage. In pop culture, it's often depicted as comical (how many comedies are powered by male nudity gags?). Perhaps it's causing its owner grief in some way — by failing to perform sexually, for example — and is a spectacle for onlookers to ridicule. Either that, or it’s shown as threatening, as in some porn: a disembodied symbol of aggression with a mind of its own (consider the term "thinking with his dick"). Rarely is it presented as just another body part — sometimes sexual, yes, but also functional in other ways, and most of the time just there, one among many parts of a body that belongs to a person with a mind that is not, in fact, controlled by genitals. And it's time we looked at it this way.
Outside of porn, or maybe art museums, we have few opportunities to witness penises in this way if we do not either have one or have a partner — at the very least, a sexting partner — who does. The scarcity of explicit representations of male genitalia in mainstream media led to an internet frenzy when Game of Thrones ' latest episode featured a close-up of a penis , held by its owner as he inspects it for warts.
Reactions to the new cast member were mixed. Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke was delighted, appearing on The Late Show to advocate for "junk equality." Others were disappointed that the penis shot was so aggressively unsexy, particularly in contrast to the frequent and sexualized female nudity on Game of Thrones. One Twitter commenter argued that "a closeup of a flaccid penis being examined for genital warts is not 'equal-opportunity nudity.'"
The argument offers an interesting study in our relationship to nudity — especially male nudity.
"Given how much symbolic baggage these body parts carry, it’s difficult and I think worthwhile to try to have a conversation about the more personal relationships that people have with their bodies," Lisa Wade , PhD, an associate professor of sociology at Occidental College, tells Refinery29. "The symbolism of our sexual body parts is so strongly gendered. It’s not the same in every society, but in contemporary American society, the idea that women’s sexual body parts are desirable, perhaps beautiful, and perhaps fragile and vulnerable, is a really common way of thinking about them."
But penises, she continues, are portrayed as "instruments of power" and "symbols of virility and strength" — and people who have them are left wondering whether they measure up. "They are constantly in a position of wondering, Am I, as represented by this body part, going to be able to live up to these expectations? " Dr. Wade says. "[Penises can] become not instruments of power, but instruments of humiliation."
A respect for individuals' personal relationships with their penises guided Geoffrey Berliner when he shot the 14 following penis portraits, accompanied here by the subjects' thoughts on their genitalia. Berliner — the executive director of the Penumbra Foundation , a nonprofit devoted to photography education, research, and outreach — developed these portraits as tintypes through the Penumbra Tintype Studio , hand-pouring chemicals on thin metal plates to create direct positive images of the penises. It's a technique that was popular during the Civil War, and a far cry from the iPhone dick pics to which some of us may be accustomed.
"I didn’t approach this in any other way than I would approach making portraits," Berliner says. "Each one of the subjects I met, I sat down, I talked to each man, and got to know them a little bit and then worked with how they were interacting with their penis. Each person had a particular attitude toward his penis, moved it a certain way, held it a certain way."
"I could say it’s portraits of penises, but a penis is always attached to a person," he continues. "It’s really a portrait of a person that’s cropped. I don’t see them as just pictures of penises."
Dr. Wade says that depictions of genitalia that fall outside of power-and-humiliation narratives could help people of all gender identities develop better relationships with their bodies. "More diverse representation of anything is almost always better," she says. "When we complain about media images, the answer is we need more diverse images, not less media." And while some argue that sexual anatomy shouldn't be shown in any public context, the reality is that it already is — in porn.
"There’s pornography everywhere," Berliner says. "There is a time to be sexual, but there’s no reason why you have to just look at a person
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