Hospital Sex Stories

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Hospital Sex Stories

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Doctors, nurses, EMTs, and veterinarians see some pretty messed up stuff.
These 14 AskReddit stories, as told by them, just give us a little taste of what they deal with on the reg:
“I was doing paperwork on a transfer last night. About halfway to the receiving hospital, I heard my patient start grunting.
I looked up from my paperwork just in time to see my patient, pants around the ankles, diaper around the knees, perfectly urinating into his own face.
I just waited for him to finish and handed him a towel.”
“Vet here. I had this lady bring in her female cat who turned out to be pregnant.
She was adamant that it was impossible, as this was strictly an indoor cat.
Upon further questioning, she admitted that there was an intact tom also living in the same house, but that he couldn’t possibly have done it because he was the female cat’s brother.
“A drunk abusive woman in her mid 40s stripped herself naked and masturbated in our emergency department.
When the police were arresting her, they all jumped back as she wiped her vulva with a pair of gloves and threw them at me.
The gloves went ‘splat!’ on my chest and stuck to me, the stink was horrific.
I couldn’t bring myself to lift my top off, so I cut it off with scissors rather than lift the dank over my face.
“Was doing wound care in a nursing home. Patient was super non-compliant, and his lower legs were covered in weeping, infected ulcerations.
They drained constantly, to the point where I had to implement some heavy duty, specialty dressings to contain the drainage between dressing changes.
The smell was horrible, you could tell where he was in the facility by the smell, and his room reeked.
At any rate, he wouldn’t get in the bed so I could do his dressings, so I had to squat on the floor and do it while he was in the wheelchair.
Anyway, I’m about 15 minutes into this dressing change, when my hair tie decides to be a useless f*ck, and snaps.
My hair acts like it’s in a goddamn Pantene commercial for once in its life, and bounces in a golden cascade all over this guy’s ulcers…and just stuck…
And, that’s how my director found me washing my hair with surgical scrub in the break room.”
“I work security in a hospital, mostly psych units, but also the ER.
Grossest thing I’ve seen was a body that had been sitting in the morgue for like 5 months.
Security releases the bodies and has to check toe tags, so I had to open the bag.
The guy picking up the body tried to move it before it was secured.
“Nurse here. Had a patient who was a very nasty lady. Near 300 lbs, 6’2″, unkempt, and rude. She had a catheter in and called someone in to check it out.
While the nurse was begrudgingly looking at it, it got moved a little. She said, ‘Oh that felt good on my clit.’
The nurse then noticed something strange about her vagina. Turns out there was a turkey sandwich stuck in it.
She informed the patient who then responded, ‘Oh, did you want to eat it out of me?’
The same patient on a different admission had received a chest x-ray in the evening. Overnight, the medical resident came flying onto the unit declaring something was majorly wrong on the x-ray, and she needed to be assessed and moved to another floor.
Turns out she had a pork chop under her boob that showed up on x-ray.”
“Walked in on a new mother sitting cross-legged in the bed, infant draped face-down across her lap, screaming.
Mom is eating Doritos, covering the kid in a fine dust of cheese crap, and smoking a crack pipe.”
“A young boy decided to walk around with a flare gun shoved in the front waistband of his shorts.
The gun went off, and the flare damn near burned his penis off.
Took lots of skin grafts, and it still won’t ever be right.”
“Seriously obese patient, famous for making incredibly rape-y comments towards male staff.
At any rate, she started ‘dating’ a frail guy, or at least he was spotted making countless trips from the snack machines to her room.
A few weeks into the relationship, her sister demands a private room, so they can get their squish on.
However, that’s not all she wanted…
She was concerned that the two couldn’t actually consummate their relationship, and she wanted us to…
‘You just gotta, you know, PUT THEM TOGETHER! She can’t hold her legs up so you gotta hold them for her!! Then you gotta help her MOVE! Don’t you know nothin’?'”
“One of the male doctors put a hidden camera in a shampoo bottle, put it in the female showers, and got videos of lots of other female doctors and nurses showering.
All the staff were horrified when he was exposed, seeing as he was quite a senior doctor.”
“A female patient came into the ER with profuse rectal bleeding, her boyfriend in tow, covered in her blood and poop all up his front.
Turns out that in a bid to get higher off of nitrous oxide than from its normal inhalation route, they decided to use a homemade whipped-cream maker to blow N2O up her rear-end.
He over-inflated her colon, and she had a blowout.
Patient required a temporary colostomy, and fortunately this was later reversed.
The worst part was having to break the news that there is no possible way to get high by doing such a thing.”
“I once walked in on a patient getting a blow job in his shared room.
Guy was only in the hospital for 24 hours.
“18-month-old intact male Dalmatian, living with an intact female (show home). The dog was clinically normal until the female came into season, at which point he became suddenly paraplegic. As soon as the female was out of season, he was back to normal. Clinical and neurological exam was unremarkable.
We decided to expose him to another female in heat, and lo and behold, he became paraplegic within a few minutes, with the neurological exam indicating a lesion in the lumbar chord. Took the female away, and he was back to normal within a couple hours.
We did a myelogram (dating the story here) and found a small mass at the right place, but nowhere near big enough to explain the symptoms. The owner insisted on surgery anyway, so the mass was removed, and the dog was cured after that.
The mass was then sent in for pathology, and it came back as an ectopic piece of Corpus spongiosum: a piece of penis where there shouldn’t be any.
Basically, the dog was getting erections inside his spinal canal, and the pressure on the spinal chord caused the symptoms, which were reversible when the stimulus went away.
Truly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.”
“Psych patient went off his meds and set himself on fire.
The surgeon cleaned up his wounds and stapled cadaver skin to him, which had been harvested from organ donors.
I walked in on the patient peeling off and sucking down the cadaver grafts like slimy potato chips.”
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The great thing about sex (besides the orgasms , of course) is that if you make a mistake or something awkward happens, you can always laugh about it later.
Have you ever given a blow job in an Uber and lost your nose ring? What about doing it in a J.Crew bathroom while the clothing attendant was right outside? No? Well these real women have—and they're willing to share their funniest stories with you. Trust me, you're in for a laugh.
If you're not either in tears after reading this or ready to risk some jail time during your next sexual encounter, read it again. These 50 women have risked it all for The Big O...you might want to try it sometime.
"We can roll with it, or you can let me borrow your razor."
"I was hooking up with this dude for months, but it wasn't consistent, so when I went over to his place I realized when I got there that I was not, let's just say, 100-percent prepared down there. I explained the situation to the dude and gave him two options. 'We can roll with it, or you can let me borrow your razor, with a totally new razor head' (because duh, bacteria!). He opted for the second choice. And I hopped in the shower, still drunk, and shaved everything. How I didn't slip in the shower or cut myself while drunk is beyond me, but mission accomplished...and the sex after was actually the best ever with that guy, so yeah!" —Heather R., 26
"I was hooking up with a guy and I didn’t eat much that day. When we got in the shower to have sex, I actually started to pass out. The guy had to help me out of the shower, dry me off, and basically became my doctor. I was so embarrassed." —Emily B., 24
"I was hooking up with this guy for about three months, but he would always come to my place since I lived near the town center with all the bars. But one night, I finally went to his house to hookup, and when I went to bathroom to clean up afterward, I noticed a bunch of kids clothes on the floor and a small toothbrush. Turns out, he had an whole child. Three months and I never knew!" — Melanie C., 24
"This man had popped a couple of Tic Tacs while he was down there."
"I was hooking up with this guy who didn't like giving oral. But I pushed him on it, because equality, and he finally agreed to give it a try. As soon as he got started, I remember feeling something weird down there tingling and burning. I soon realized that this man had popped a couple of Tic Tacs in while he was down there without letting me know. WTH, dude?!" — Isabelle M., 26
"Apparently his dick was burning. Sorry to this man."
"I was making this spicy stew recipe online that called for a bunch of habañeros. I washed my hands pretty well, but I guess they still had pepper on them, because later that night when I was giving a guy a hand job, he started making funny noises and started yelling, 'Oww, owww.' Apparently, his dick was burning. Sorry to this man." —Ilena B., 26
"I couldn’t help but try to solve the math problem."
"The first time I had sex with my high school boyfriend, we were at his parents' house alone. We went up to his room, and he laid me down on the bed. But just as he put it in, I looked up at the ceiling and noticed he had derivative math equations taped there. The entire time, I couldn’t help but try to solve the math problem. I told him this wasn't going to work for me and we went out for pizza instead." – Ashley L., 24
"I've never questioned my life choices more."
"It was the night of my boyfriend's fraternity formal. We were having a good time when he asked me if I wanted to sneak away from the dance floor. We ran to the men's bathroom, picked a stall, and started having sex. That was, until three of his brothers came in to use the bathroom. They started chatting it up at the urinals. And we were just in the stall, naked, trying to remain as quiet as possible. That's when I snapped back into reality and realized how disgusting this bathroom was. I've never questioned my life choices more." —Amber G., 24
"That didn’t stop us from catching up in the laundry room."
"One time at a house party, I spotted my crush walking in from across the room. We hadn’t talked in a while, but that didn’t stop us from catching up in the laundry room of our friend's house. We were literally having rough sex in the laundry room while people knocked loudly on the door because they thought it was the bathroom." —Denise B., 25
"He sat me on a random car parked in the alley."
"When I first moved to Brooklyn, I came across a NSFW profile on Tumblr with this guy who was popular for the sloppy head he gives. So I was scrolling through his profile and came across a post that said something like, 'Repost this if you’re based in New York.' So being new and unknown to the city, I said, hey, why the hell not...and messaged him. A day or so later, we ended meeting up at a Mexican-themed bar. After a few margaritas, we went to a restaurant. When we got to the booth, we instantly began making out and um... exploring each other’s bodies. So we slipped out before the waiter came back and went into the alley right next to the bar. He sat me on a random car parked in the alley and showed me exactly how he became so Tumblr famous." —Sharice F., 25
"Who knew Kyle sounds like Carl in German?"
"I was studying abroad in Spain and met a really cute German guy while out one night. We had a great night together, but the next morning, he told me I’d been calling him the wrong name the entire night. Who knew Kyle sounds like Carl in German?" —Elise C., 23
"I asked if he wanted to join and soon I started making out with my coworkers date."
"One Friday afternoon in the office, my coworker was venting about not having been on a date in awhile. I motivated her to try her luck on Tinder. She eventually met a guy she liked, they chatted for a bit, and he asked her out. But he wanted to know if she had a friend for his friend in town. Of course, I agreed to be her wingwoman. We met up at a lounge and laughed the whole night. But my friend wanted to head home because she had work the next morning.
"After they dropped her off, I chose to stay and hang out with the two guys. Initially, I was only dancing with the date I was set up with, but after a few rum punches, we were all taking turns dancing together. We took a break and went outside to cool off. Outside, me and my original date began making out. After we stopped, I noticed his friend was just standing there. I asked if he wanted to join and soon I started making out with my coworkers' date. Shortly after, we all went to a hotel and that’s the story of my first threesome." —Serena B., 25
"It was the perfect one-flight stand."
"I was on a 12-hour flight, and the guy next to me was pretty cute. I swear he was Ryan Gosling's twin, and he was wearing an army uniform (hard to resist, right?). We started talking, and a couple of hours in, I was trying to fall asleep when he said I could rest my head on his lap to be more comfortable. So I did, but a couple minutes in, I could feel he was getting hard. So I started rubbing his dick. He put a blanket over my head so nobody around us could see, but I'm nearly positive the woman on the other side of the aisle could tell what was happening, especially when I pulled down his zipper and started bobbing my head up and down. Luckily, he came pretty quickly. We talked after the flight up until baggage claim and then never saw each other again. It was the perfect one-flight stand." — Amber M., 28
"I lost my nose ring in the Uber, and I kind of want it back."
"I gave a blow job to this guy in an Uber. It was incredibly hot and we’ve ended up hooking up several more times. But I lost my nose ring in the Uber, and I kind of want it back...but I’m too afraid to ask the Uber driver 'cause who knows what he saw back there?" —Rebekah M., 25
"It was super weird looking at the tons of family pictures on the wall."
"It was my first hookup. We were making out on the couch, and after a while, he asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom. I said yes, but then he lead me into his parents’ bedroom! I remember him saying he’d just always wanted to hook up on his parents’ bed and they were out of town so we wouldn’t get caught. I just went with it, even though it was super weird looking at the tons of family pictures on the wall while we were getting it on. I gave my first blow job and hand job on the bed of some couple who would come back from vacation, fall into bed, and have no idea what happened in it a few days earlier. I really hope he changed the sheets." —Sydney S., 25
"As I was doing it, I noticed I wasn’t really getting any vocal feedback."
"When I was in college, I was hooking up this guy who smoked a lot of weed. I mean, he was pretty much high 24/7. I liked that he was really chill, but turns out, he might’ve been too chill. One night we were having sex, and he just stopped in the middle of it. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just too high and tired. Being a generous spirit, I offered to give him a blow job instead and he gladly accepted. As I was doing it, I noticed I wasn’t really getting any vocal feedback or anything. I looked up and saw that he’d fallen asleep! We stopped seeing each other after that." —Alice P., 26
"We got naked in the fitting room and got to it."
"When I was dating my first boyfriend, we always talked about unconventional places to have sex. He said he really wanted to have sex in a fitting room, so we decided to make that happen. I was so nervous. I’d never had sex in a public place! We spent some time just walking around a J.Crew at the mall and made up this whole story to the staff about how we were trying to find him an outfit for some special occasion. Eventually, both of us went into the fitting room, making sure it was empty, and the staff didn’t bat an eye. We got naked in the fitting room and got to it, all the while trying to make casual conversation with each other, so it didn’t seem suspicious. I never thought I’d say, 'I think that shirt would look better with those pants,' while someone was literally inside me!" —Olivia M., 26
"My friends and I couldn’t get away fast enough."
"When I was in grad school, my friends and I were out on the town after a really rough week. I just wanted to unwind and see what I could get into that night. Eventually, this really cute guy and his friends came up to us while we were playing pool and the guy started chatting me up. I was interested, but he refused to tell me his name, which was a little suspicious. But I was just looking to have fun, so I didn’t really care. We were making out, and I was ready to go to his place that night to hook up. But for some reason, he started acting really sketchy. That's when he pulled out a bag of what I think was cocaine, told us he was a dealer, and asked if we wanted to do some. My friends and I couldn’t get away fast enough. I seriously dodged a bullet that night." —Trisha D., 27
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