Horrific Sex Stories

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My freshman roommate somehow ended up getting involved with a guy in his mid-thirties. (It was creepy.) One cold evening I walked into our dorm around 8:00 completely exhausted after a full day of class. I opened the door to find him stretched out on the bed with my roommate straddling him, waxing his chest, while SpongeBob played on the TV.
My college roommate slept with my boyfriend, my older brother, and my cousin at different times. She really hated me.
My male roommate was dating a good female friend of mine, and I came home one day to hear sounds that were probably sex, but also could have been a cat suffering slow torture. Worse yet, when I barricaded myself in my room, these noises moved themselves from the bedroom to the bathroom, which shared a wall with my room.
So I text my girlfriend "Hey, maybe warn me next time you are coming over, you guys are super loud!" Five minutes later I received a response "I'm at work, what are you talking about?"

….oops.
In my college apartment, my roommate's bed on the second floor was directly above an air vent that led to another vent directly above the couch downstairs. I heard every little detail. The sound of her boyfriend's balls slapping still haunts me.
Once I came home and my roommate and her fwb were having sex standing up in the middle of the room. She was bent over like she was reaching for her toes and he was behind her. When they saw me come in, he thrusted really hard and she did a somersault. I saw so many body parts I never wanted to see.
I foolishly lived with two guys my sophomore year of college. One night, one of them had very drunken sex with a girl that none of us really knew. When they were finished, my roommate came out and said the girl needed my help with something. I walked into the bathroom to find her spread-eagle on the toilet, pawing at herself. As it turns out, she was on her period and did not remove her tampon before having sex. Long story short, I got it out.
When I was in college I had a rather obnoxious roommate who had no respect for privacy. We shared a bathroom and kept both of our belongings in the shared space. One day I went underneath the sink cabinet to fetch something and saw a lone Dixie cup with two silver balls in it. A quick Google search enlightened me to the fact that my roommate was keeping her used kegel balls under the shared community sink, nicely displayed for all too see.
One night my roommate came home wasted with a guy. They broke off our front door knob by not waiting until they got inside to start having sex. Once they got in, they spent so long having sex in our shower that I had to pee in the litter box.
My freshman year of high school, my family was dropping my sister off at college for the first time, and my sister's boyfriend tagged along. We were all sharing a hotel room with two beds, meaning my parents went in one bed and my sister, her boyfriend, and I were forced in the same bed. Not only was I forced into the edge of the bed the whole night, but I also got no sleep because I heard quiet moaning in the middle of the night! He was fucking FINGERING HER WHILE I WAS IN THE SAME BED. My sister ended up top of him and they were making out most of the night. Well, I guess that's one way to make... um "loving" sisterly memories.
Waking up to the squeaks of a mattress as your roommate is getting laid.
One time I heard my roommate shout "YOU SHAT IN MY BED," and knowing it was her ex, we were all fairly concerned. Turns out it was a cupcake, but he did take a massive chunk out of another roommate's block of cheese, so nobody was really happy that morning.
I went on a holiday to Switzerland with my Explorer Scout unit back in 2004. I was sharing a tiny two-man tent with another girl for two weeks, and we usually ended up sleeping literally nose to nose. Our nightly ritual was to go to the local pub until 2am, and then come back to bed.
I came back pretty early as I was rather tired, and fell asleep almost straight away. Hours later I was woken up to find a hairy, white arse bobbing up and down in my face. I screamed, and started punching and kicking this naked backside, making sure I got a few bollocks smacks in there as well. I wanted to do as much damage as possible. In the furore, I quickly realised that my "tent-mate" had pulled one of the lads from our Explorer unit, and decided to do the deed literally on top of me.
Needless to say that the lad was sitting quite gingerly the following few days.
My boyfriend at the time and his roommate had to share a room. I was going down on him when his roommate barged in and said "You're never using my bong again" and walked out.
My flatmate stood at my bedroom door and Snapchatted the sound of me and my girlfriend having sex to my ex. He thought it would be funny.
My roommate had quiet sex while I was sleeping two feet in front of her, and then her boyfriend got up to pee and ended up peeing in our roommate's drawer, and then climbed into bed naked with me for a round two, thinking it was his girlfriend. When I was yelling that I wasn't her he said, "Shush you'll wake up (me) and the other roommates."
I had a flatmate who admitted to using a glass against the wall to listen to me & my boyfriend have sex… so creepy!!
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#9 What kind of parents "force" both of their daughters to sleep with one of their daughter's boyfriends? So fake.
9 is disgusting! If my sister did that, I would have kicked the shit out of both of them!
"The sound of her boyfriend’s balls slapping still haunts me."
*dies*

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Erotic Internet fan fiction is a sexual hobo stew; ingredients that normally have no business being within a hundred miles of each other are mixed together anyway, with a resulting product that makes no sense to anybody but its delusional creator.
The Internet never tires of connecting two unrelated worlds through the power of creepy, awful love, just like we never tire of snarking about these horrifying concoctions. So, once again, here are some stories that should win a Nobel Prize for discovering the long-term benefits of the universe's eventual heat death.
The setup for this Transformers/X-Men/Ghostbusters sex story isn't all that much worse than any of the actual Transformers movies: Sam Witwicky, Shia LaBeouf's character, is suffering from the earliest midlife crisis in history. After the Transformers bring peace to Earth, Sam finds himself unemployed, out of money, and too last-year's-hero to find a hot girlfriend. So he skips town and joins the Ghostbusters, because it's not like they haven't done anything in 30 years.
His first mission takes him to the Sedgwick Hotel, where he encounters Slimer, the annoyingly wacky green ghost who was the designated comic relief in a movie starring Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd.
A mere six lines into A New Shade of Green, we get this:
When he found Slimer, (and boy did he ever) he had his ghostly cock out. He was pissing on the room service!
What follows is Slimer unveiling a 3-foot cock, which grows to over 4 feet when hard. He proceeds to rape Sam and then hit him when he dares to cry out Bumblebee's name. Sam naturally decides he loves all of this, because in the world of fan fiction, it is very common for one's sexual horizons to be broadened via some kind of horrific assault. To the author's credit, he at least realizes that Slimer is an asshole lover:
To Slimer, this squishy meat bag was just a moving fleshlight. No need to care for his wants, his desires. Only Slimers.
Eventually, Slimer completely mutates into a 6-foot penis; no body, just a cock. Also, they're doing anal, which leaves "Sam's asshole ... as large as his head." By this point, Sam is rapidly losing blood and begging for death, which is silly, because Slimer would probably end up fucking him in the afterlife, too.
Meanwhile, Janet, a worker at Ghostbusters Headquarters who did not exist before this thing was written, has sex with a mysterious woman who just showed up and got naked. This is barely connected to the Sam/Slimer tale, and it almost feels like a whole other story tacked on by the author to satisfy some imaginary word count requirement. Soon the two girls are joined by Steve from accounting, who "was actually named Logan. He preferred Wolverine, however." The woman then reveals herself as Jean Grey. What we're saying is that erotic Internet fan fiction is a magical world where anything is possible.
So anyway, now the X-Men are involved in this mess. Then Jean Grey shits into Janet's mouth, Janet eats it, Wolverine literally fills the entire room with shit, and the three suffocate and drown, neatly tying up this story's one and only loose end.
Soon afterward, the government receives an anonymous tip from a dying Sam to nuke not only New York City, but Stillwater, a minor Nevada town used in one Transformers comic back in 2003. Of course, they immediately act on this tip and completely obliterate both cities, leaving "no survivors." And that, friends, is how you end a goddamn story.
Bella Swan and Edward Cullen already fuck like beasts in Twilight, so why bother wasting precious bandwidth on yet another erotic fan fiction romp? Well, in Studio 33, literally everything you reluctantly know about the two is thrown out the window in favor of turning Bella into a game show model and Edward into Drew fucking Carey.
Yes, he's still named Edward, but he's no longer a brooding vampire; he's the new host of The Price Is Right, immediately succeeding Bob Barker, who in real life is more of an immortal undead bloodsucker than Edward ever was. Bella presents Edward with a very specific sexual fantasy: She wants to fuck him on set while playing an X-rated version of the game. Like Bob didn't think of that first.
As you read on, however, you realize that this is not Bella and Edward porn at all: This is 100 percent The Price Is Right porn where somebody has inserted the Twilight cast in a cynical move to make it more marketable. The characters display precisely none of the personality traits that made them so unique-ish in the original books. They could have been literally any other characters on the planet, because the point is not to imagine Edward and Bella in bed; it's to get your rocks off to the idea of sexy Plinko.
And yes, they absolutely play that, with the Plinko chips all displaying sexual acts on the back, to be performed by Edward should Bella avoid the $0 slots on the board. Which, naturally, she does, though we still feel she got cheated. The chip that landed in the $10,000 slot simply says "pick the position of your choice." She should've demanded the money instead.
It's not just Plinko, though: Edward creates an entire episode of the show from scratch, just for Bella. There's fake applause, lights, prizes, and even Rich the announcer calling her down to Contestant's Row (we assume he was in the studio, watching all of this). Rich, for the record, is the only current guy from the show to be mentioned by name. So if he does nothing else in life, he at least has that on his resume.
Every game they play is built around sex, such as Hole in One, where the number of "mind-blowing orgasms" that Edward gives Bella depends on how quickly she can sink a putt-putt ball. And of course, since we're doing The Price Is Right porn, the game-related puns are even more prevalent than the fucking:
"Mmmhmm, he'll be begging me to 'come on down' all right."
"I bet you, Edward, could make a Hole in One."
"Think of it as my parting gift."
"You are rising faster than the Alpine hiker."
"Oh, Bella, you and your Price Is Right related sexual innuendos. What's next?" He pointed down to between his legs before continuing on, "Going to call him Rod Roddy?"
In the end, it's revealed that somebody recorded their tryst on a cellphone and sold the footage to a celebrity tabloid show (don't pretend you wouldn't watch a celebrity sex tape if it featured them boning under the Plinko board).
The beginning of Cookies Like Crack showcases the residents of Sesame Street staging an intervention, having finally tired of Cookie Monster's 40-year-plus cookie addiction. Rather than confront his demons, Cookie leaves Sesame Street and moves to California, where he meets Clay Morrow, the drug-dealing, murderous ex-president of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club. They bond over cookies and milk, because even hardened, murderous bikers need a Toll House break every now and then.
Clay's head resting against the soft, furry expanse of Cookie's chest, and Cookie's hand on the man's shoulder, Baby Bear's blanket nestled between them.
Well, here we go. Sex between a biker and a big blue sock is about to commence. This is Baby Bear, by the way:
So yeah, it's not just a name. Cookie Monster and Clay Morrow are about to fuck on a toddler's blankie. At least Cookie can excuse the wet spots as leftover drool, whenever he gets around to returning it.
And then we get the dirty talk, if you can call it that:
"Clay want this?"
"Yes, Cookie, I want this," he assures the monster, smiling and raising his ass up in the air.
Well. Clay Morrow, grade-A badass, not at all the man to mess with, is playing bottom to a puppet. But at least Cookie cares enough to prepare him for the big snickerdoodle:
When Cookie inserts one of his thick fingers -- coated in some kind of cooking oil -- into his virgin hole, the stretch burns more than he'd ever imagined it would and he almost begs Cookie to stop.
Cooking oil in the ass, in case you were wondering, is quite risky, as it can melt the latex in a condom and possibly break it. Of course, if Cookie's going bareback (it's never specified), then rock out with your chocolate chips out, we guess.
Then they fuck, and ... hey, did you know that Cookie Monster has a large cock? You do now; good luck dreaming about anything else tonight. After Cookie is done flopping around -- we literally cannot think of another way to describe a piece of cloth having sex -- he "flops down beside [Clay] and drapes a soft fuzzy arm over him protectively. Clay sidles closer, savoring the shared heat between them." And now you'll never be able to enjoy an afterglow again.
Honestly, we're a little disappointed in the writer here. They had one chance to effectively paint a picture of Cookie Monster porking a grizzled old biker dude, and they never once had him stick his face in the biker's ass and go "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM." We expect better than that from our anonymous fictional smut peddlers.
Eureka is a show about a town full of mad scientists doing wacky experiments. The SWAT Kats are crime-fighting alien cat people. Eureka Kats is their epic tale of erotic adventure. And we (sadly) do mean epic.
It's a typical day in the neighborhood when the scientists notice a strange aircraft in the sky above. When the craft lands, it turns out to be piloted by Jake Clawson and Chance Furlong, two SWAT Kats who suffer from both chemical exposure and Chronic Punny Name Syndrome. The Kats are quarantined while Beverly, the town psychiatrist, watches them take a chemical shower together.
When we say these Kats are anatomically correct, we mean that in the worst possible way:
She hadn't been able to notice the barbs they'd mentioned on either of them; clearly they weren't that prominent, at least not from a distance.
Yes, their penises are spiky and barbed, much like a real cat's. Why the author felt the need to include this, we have no clue. They talk like humans, walk on two legs, and can turn on a goddamned faucet with their paws. They're already so unlike real cats that the "K" was probably added to their name by order of the Better Business Bureau. They didn't need the spiky penises at all. And yet, here we are.
Beverly and the rest of the town quickly fall under the Kats' sexual spell, as we get human-Kat pairing after human-Kat pairing. Oh, and if the idea of human-Kat sex is too much for you, there's plenty of Kat-Kat sex too, which is far friendlier to the soul:
"Ohhh, yeah," Jake shuddered, his hands tightening around Chance's hips before he shifted his attention to the full erection near his muzzle. He took his cock into his mouth and slowly licked the musky length, getting off on the scent and taste nearly as much as what Chance was doing to him.
This goes on for 30 chapters, and 390,000 words. For comparison's sake, that's roughly 100,000 more words than in the first three Harry Potter books combined. This isn't just fanfic; this is someone's bloody opus. It takes 7,000 of those words to even hint at sex, which means the author felt that Kats fucking people with spiky kat kocks required tons of backstory to properly ease us into it. Trust us, that only made it weirder.
Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls.
The first line of First Encounter was not meant to be metaphorical. No, Hogwarts Castle literally just sighed. Because it's alive, you see, and very, very lonely. The students have left for the summer, and silence enters its halls. If it weren't for the fact that we're talking about a bunch of bricks, it'd be positively heartbreaking.
You know who else is lonely? The giant squid that occupies the Black Lake surrounding the castle. Unbelievably, this writer gives the squid a backstory, other than being, you know, a goddamned squid. "His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor." But those dreams were never quite realized, and the squid needed something else to pass the time. One guess what it chose to do.
Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. "What are you doing?"
"Just trust me," the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outerwalls.
"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
"Hogwarts, you're lonely, I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around manipulating your staircases."
"You know about that!"
"Everyone does it. Sort of."
Why yes, a giant squid IS seducing a castle, complete with a masturbation joke that will make you quiver with nausea the next time you go down a flight of stairs. Honestly, it's very tempting to just post the entire, completely batshit story here, but we'll try to restrain ourselves. Unlike the squid.
"I'll go slow. I promise." He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, al
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