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When do you know when your kid is old enough to have sex and wants to have someone sleep over at your house?
This question is perplexing many of my friends at the moment, the ones with teens around 15, 16, 17.
As with most parenting dilemmas, I had to figure this one out on my own a few years earlier than my friends because their kids are mostly younger than my eldest. I’m not sure if I got it right or wrong. But I’m happy with my decision and I’m happy to share how I came to making it.
My son had his first serious girlfriend at age 16 and she was a year older than him. It was a lovely relationship and lasted almost a year. The first time he asked if she could stay over, they had already been together a few months. I said sure and then I made her sleep on the couch in another room.
I have no idea what happened after I went to bed but I can guess because I’ve been 16.
Luca rolled his eyes at the fact he even had to go through the motions of separate rooms. He thought it was ridiculous. But I was adamant.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here . 
I thought a lot about it. And eventually I realised I was being silly. I was also being a hypocrite.
Before I did a backflip and allowed her to sleep in his room, I reflected on my beliefs:
I also reminded myself that my son and his girlfriend were both over the legal age of consent. The law says they are old enough to have sex.
Sure, my parents didn't allow sleepovers before I was 18 but that didn't stop me having sex or even slow me down ( you can read about that here ). And just because I had certain rules growing up, being a parent is about making your own.
So that's how I came to allow my son's girlfriend to stay overnight in his room. With the door closed.
Here are some of the things you might be wondering at this point:
Yes, I had younger children in the house. Still do. At that time they were five and eight. But whenever they had sleep overs, their friends slept in the same room so it's not like they were aware of any big difference for their brother. And a 'bad' example? Again, see my beliefs above. Even if they did realise their brother was having sex (they didn't), there are lots of things older people do that young kids know they can't. Like drinking alcohol. Driving a car. Going out at night. Paying taxes.
Mia talks about her reasoning on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud:
Excellent question. Yes, my eldest child was a boy. Perhaps I would have felt differently if he were a girl but I don't think so and I don't plan to have different rules for our daughter. Let's see how my husband and I feel about that when the time comes......although based on the risks for girls having sex in parks and at parties and being filmed, it could be argued that it's even more important for them to be able to have their partners stay over.
This worried me for a bit. Was I responsible for upholding rules or boundaries for other people? In the case of my son's girlfriend, she was a full year old than him and I'd met her mother and spoken to her on the phone before when she'd joined us for a few days on holidays. If she'd raised sleeping arrangements with me I would have asked what she was comfortable with and then willingly complied.
But she didn't so I decided it wasn't my business to police what someone else's child was or wasn't allowed to do. My house, my rules. And my rule is that sleepovers in the same room was OK - for my son in this situation. Every parent has to make their own decision based on their own circumstances and their own kid.
In case you think our house is some kind of teenage sex den, let me alleviate you of that delusion.
My son has never had a girl I didn't know stay over. Or if he has (he probably has), they've been gone by the morning and I've been none the wiser. I assume he put them in an Uber to make sure they got home safely and treated them with the utmost respect because that's how he's been raised ( he wrote more about that here ) and that's the kind of man he is.
Now he is 19 and has another girlfriend and she stays over regularly and we all adore her and how can any of that be a bad thing?
What they do behind closed doors is none of my business.
As a parent, it can be hugely confronting to think about your kids having sex. I KNOW.
If they're little right now, the whole concept can feel surreal.
It's on par with thinking about your parents having sex.
I'm sorry for that mental picture. Please replace it with this image of me wearing a ridiculous outfit:
In my book, Work, Strife, Balance I have written more about sex and teenage girls, in particular. It's a hugely fraught area for parents. All my friends with teenage daughters are traversing terrain that feels far more complex and nuanced (and frightening) than my relatively straightforward decisions about my son.
So much of parenting, in my 20 years of doing it with mixed results, is about sorting what you feel you SHOULD do from what you believe, what you want to do and what your child wants.
I'm completely comfortable with my rules around sex under my roof even though I realise that the ability to have sex freely at home has always been one of the main motivating factors for kids moving out of home. Banning sex sleep-overs is a guaranteed way to empty your nest sooner rather than later.
So my kids will probably all be here until they're 30. I'm cool with that.
They have to buy their own condoms though. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud here:

Do you agree with Mia? At what age is it ok for your kids to have 'sleepovers'?
Sorry, completely irrelevant to this discussion, but I just wanted to praise you for the article about the non-heroism of cadel evans and sports stars in general - couldn't agree more, and very sorry to hear about the backlash. We definitely need more people that think about sport the way you do!
Why does the majority think sex is the be all and end all of human existence anyway? Ever heard of teaching something called self-control? We are not animals. I mean we are but we like to think we aren't. Self-control is an unfashionable skill in these hedonistic times, but it is actually very useful and important. How are you going to have a long, proper relationship and stick with that one person for life if you are always chopping and changing girlfriends and boyfriends every few months when you get bored with that person? When my parents got married they hadn't had sex with anybody and theirs was a lifelong, stable marriage. They were well into their twenties therefore, before having sex. Most teenagers don't have the emotional maturity to start having sex anyway. Sex is not a recreation or a sport believe it or not.
Oh come on, did you read what wrote? With most (not all) teenagers all they think about IS sex. Either they are doing it, wanting to do it or thinking there was something wrong with them if nobody wants to do it with them. As parents it's our job from an early age to be open and honest and be prepared to reply to the hard questions as well as provide them with the tools should they want to act on their feelings. Teach them to respect their bodies and not be afraid to experiment if they so choose. I believe you're fooling yourself if you think your parents weren't thinking about sex even if they never acted on it. Social norms of the day restricted couples acting on feelings out of fear of repercussions given that "marriage" was seen as the ultimate in coupledom. You're right in that teenagers don't have "emotional maturity", just lots and lots of hormones, so instead of condemning their thoughts and actions, give them the emotional stability to get them through this extremely tumultuous period of their lives.
there isn't a hard question about sex, the hard question is why the children [young people] are not guided at first to get an education.

November 11, 2022, 6:45 PM · 7 min read
Across the country, students are turning to social media to get their sex ed questions answered. (Collage: Getty Images/Nathalie Cruz for Yahoo Life)
Yahoo Life’s School Report Card: Sex Education series examines what adolescents are being taught about sexuality — and why it’s about more than the birds and the bees.
Dr. Jennifer Lincoln is an ob-gyn with a massive following on social media, where she’s a source for many young Americans who are grasping at straws when it comes to sex education — something the doctor knows plenty about.
“I received abstinence-only sex education, which left me ill-informed and ill-prepared to keep myself safe,” Lincoln, 41, tells Yahoo Life. “Once I started using social media professionally, I used myself in high school as the target audience: What did 15- or 16-year-old me need to know? What were the topics I was clueless about, that an ob-gyn on TikTok could shed some light on?”
Unfortunately, not a ton has changed since Lincoln was a teen: Experts have told Yahoo Life in recent weeks that sex education in America is “failing,” with its patchwork approach falling short in most districts when it comes to offering honest, inclusive, medically accurate information that goes beyond teaching abstinence-only. And that’s despite a majority of parents — 59% — wanting their kids to learn about birth control methods beyond abstinence, according to new findings by Pew Research .
It’s no wonder young people are turning to online sources.
“Social media is where most of us spend a lot of time — especially young people — so I knew I could use it as a platform for education and empowerment,” says Lincoln. “If I had access to TikTok or Instagram as a teen, I can guarantee I would have understood much more about my body and felt more confident in seeking care,” she says.
That’s certainly true for Aarush Santoshi, 16. He recalls receiving sex ed in middle school but says it felt exclusionary.
“I personally identify as gay, so I felt it was lacking in that sense,” he tells Yahoo Life. “I didn’t learn a lot of things about how nonheterosexual sex works, or, you know, protection and stuff for nonheterosexual forms of sex.”
Now in high school, Santoshi says sex ed isn’t even taught as a class anymore.
“We just have a Google Classroom page where our gym teacher gives us questions to respond to every week,” he says. “So the research is actually stuff we do on our own; all the information I get is from online.”
Luckily, there are sources like Lincoln, and many other qualified people just like her, sharing their wealth of knowledge on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube.
However, not all content creators teaching sex ed online have Lincoln’s bona fides.
“You have some people who are unfortunately contributing to either misinformation or are unknowingly contributing to stigmatizing language or stigmatizing programs or beliefs that actually harm people,” Monica Edwards, the federal policy manager for Unite for Reproductive & Gender Equity (URGE), tells Yahoo Life. “It’s important for young people to be in community with each other, and to learn from each other’s experiences, but at the same time, there’s always that danger of not getting accurate information.”
That’s why Nora Gelperin’s organization Advocates for Youth tries to counter misinformation by getting involved and creating some expert-led lessons of their own — all informed by youth advocates, who range in age from 10 to 16.
According to a report by sex ed advocacy organization SIECUS (Sex Ed for Social Change), abstinence is all that’s being taught in 16 states and is required to be emphasized in the sex ed curricula of 30. Only 29 states and the District of Columbia require any sex education at all, while 13 don’t require it to be medically accurate. And only nine states have queer-inclusive sex ed policies, while six states require that sex ed lessons are anti -LGBTQ.
It’s what’s driving Santoshi and so many other young people to turn to social media — even though it can have its limitations.
Dr. Staci Tanouye , an ob-gyn who began sharing sex education information on TikTok when she noticed a need there, explains that medical professionals, specifically, are limited in their communication on the platform.
“I do have people that reach out and say, ‘Well, I’m having this, this and this, what should I do?’ And legally, I cannot answer that. I can’t even answer that for my own patients on a platform like that; I have to direct them to their own physician or if they are my patient I have to direct them through the appropriate channels. And so it does become challenging because I don’t want people to get discouraged by that,” Tanouye tells Yahoo Life. “I cannot form a patient-doctor relationship over social media, that’s just legally not appropriate. It makes it hard and it blurs the lines and it’s hard to answer the way we want to answer.”
Despite these setbacks, doctors like Tanouye believe that it is their duty to combat the spread of misinformation that they know exists on social media platforms by putting reliable content in the mix. “You can’t monitor your kids all the time, but you can point them in the right directions,” she says, explaining that she knows of parents who send her TikTok page to their children in an effort to do just that.
Danielle Bezalel, who has a master's degree in public health, is the creator of Sex Ed With DB , a podcast that offers science-backed sexual education to over 100,000 followers. Bezalel tells Yahoo Life that it’s crucial that parents have reliable sources to which they can direct their kids. “If they can access this content on TikTok, and they can hear about it and understand it and digest it in a way that feels funny and relatable and silly and goofy and they don’t feel judged for asking the questions that they do — and they feel like they’re getting the education and information they need to live happy and healthy lives — why wouldn’t they go to TikTok?”
Bezalel says social media platforms allow for more candid conversation around difficult topics, offering the chance for young people to ask questions that they might otherwise be too embarrassed to bring up — especially in class, but even during a doctor’s appointment.
“There is a certain level of anonymity on TikTok, especially if you have no picture or a random username, [so] you’re able to ask questions how you’d like,” Bezalel says. This has enabled her to partake in a back-and-forth with her audience about all related topics, including different types of birth control, porn literacy and masturbation logistics. “[I] ask young people who I know are watching, ‘Hey, what methods did I miss?’ ‘What do you want to hear about?’ And there are tons of comments that I get around, ‘Hey, what about the ring?’ Or ‘What about the shot?’ ‘Why don’t you talk about this?’ So people are engaging, people are curious, but they don’t want to be judged for asking certain questions or not knowing certain information.”
When it comes to understanding sex and their bodies, young people are eager to “take control” of that process, says Taylor Nolan , a social media influencer and MSTI-certified sex therapist currently working toward a PhD in the subject. This ensures that they’re finding content that fits their specific needs, whereas a general curriculum might not.
“Many express relating, feeling seen or learning something. I think it points to the interest young folks have in engaging in their sexual pleasure,” Nolan tells Yahoo Life of the audience she’s gained by sharing expertise as well as personal experiences. “In traditional sex education content, they miss the subjectivity, and what I’ve seen is that the vulnerability of sharing experiences is incredibly powerful in folks learning more about sex.”
The bottom line, say experts, is that sex education needs to be fixed — but in the absence of that, many are happy to see young people doing their due diligence to get the information
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