Hitting On Hot Girls
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Hitting On Hot Girls
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Dating Expert & Best Selling Author
Dating Expert & Best Selling Author
Shani Jay is a bestselling author, empowerment coach, and dating expert. She is the author of Bloom, The Babe Bible, Glow Getter, and Light Up Your Life; and her writing has been featured on many internationally recognized platforms including The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, and Teen Vogue.
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Have you ever wondered how to hit on a girl at the gym? You’d think the gym is the perfect place to meet and flirt with attractive, single women. But your first instincts are wrong, my friend. So very wrong.
You see, women don’t go to the gym to be hit on; they go to the gym to work out. Funny that, isn’t it?
That makes it a fairly challenging place to engage a woman. But what if you’re bench-pressing and a gorgeous woman doing leg curls catches your eye in the distance? All you want to do is go over to her, shamelessly flirt and see if you can convince her to go out with you.
I invite you to pause for a moment and reconsider what you’re about to do.
You need to know how to hit on a girl at the gym without scaring her or making her mad because you’ve interrupted her “me time.”
Meeting girls at the gym is far different from meeting girls at a bar . The bar has a more social vibe, whereas gyms are for focusing on working out. Sure, it's easy to socialize and meet women at the gym (much like being able to study and meet girls in college ), but not a lot of women really want to be hit on at the gym.
As a woman, I can tell you there’s nothing worse than a man coming up behind you when you’re lifting weights in front of the mirror, or blatantly copying your exact training routine while pretending (eye roll) it’s a weird coincidence. We know exactly what you’re doing because we’re trained to be wary of strange, creepy men.
You don’t want to be that guy, so I’m going to show you how to be the other guy: the friendly, gentlemanly one who always wins, even in the gym.
Many men believe that all women are attracted to the “alpha” male; the one who shouts the loudest appears to be the physically strongest and is dripping with confidence.
But this isn’t true because all women are different. Plus, most women are tired of men hitting on them the exact same way in the gym : sitting on the machine next to her or flexing your muscles near her while trying to grab her attention.
We really don’t care how good your muscles look. I mean, they’re probably nice to look at (along with everyone else’s), but so what?
My point is, you need to stand out. This is how she will notice you in a sea of men who just don’t have a clue.
So be bold and get creative. If you’re working out near her already, offer to wipe her station down if you’re finishing up at the same time. Help her adjust a machine if you can see she’s having trouble with it. Ask her if she wants you to refill her water bottle. If you do happen to catch eyes across the room, smile at her for a moment, then avert your gaze onto something else.
Making a move on a girl at the gym has to start out subtle and friendly. Whatever you do, be different and be thoughtful. That goes a long way with us.
If you want any chance of a woman being interested in you and not giving you an immediate brush off, then avoid speaking to her mid-workout.
It’s not a good time to strike up a conversation when we’re out of breath on the treadmill, intensely focused on the weights we’re lifting or mid-squat on the mat.
If you make me stop what I’m doing and take out my headphones just so you can tell me a lame joke or offer tips on how to improve my form, I’m not going to like you.
Most gyms these days are filled with break-out areas like the water refill station or even a juice bar or cafe. This could be a better place to approach us and ask for our number because it’s a little more private and we’re usually in a more relaxed state of mind.
So the golden rule is: never interrupt anyone’s workout. Ever. Just don’t do it.
Read all the tips below with this tip locked in your mind like a mantra.
So you’ve decided you want to speak to a woman and maybe ask her out?
Well, if you’re going to do it, then you need to do it right the first time. There are no second chances when you want to hit on a woman at a gym.
This means thinking about what you’re going to say, saying it, then getting out pronto. Remember, she is there to work out and really doesn’t have all day to be wooed by your flirting skills or anybody else’s. It's not like hitting on women at a party where they're more or less expecting to be hit on.
Don’t stumble on your words, continually ask her questions or talk about yourself for ten minutes straight. Nobody has time for that.
The best thing to do is have a rough idea of what you want to say before approaching her. This will make you appear more confident in the moment. It shows that you respect her time and it leaves her wanting to know more.
No woman feels like she looks great in the gym. We’re sweating, huffing and puffing, and potentially a little smelly depending on where we are in our workout.
On top of that, we already feel self-conscious about being in the gym, having people gaze at and judge our bodies. Even the women who appear to be in the best shape can often have body hang-ups. Some women avoid going to the gym altogether because of the disproportionate weight stigma we experience.
This means that if you’re set on giving her a compliment (which isn’t a terrible idea), please make it a non-physical one.
Don’t tell me you think I’m hot or have an incredible body. Don’t tell me you like my eyes or my lycra pants. Because I probably won’t believe you, plus, it’s creepy. It’s creepy in the gym and it’s still kinda creepy in a bar. And you’re not helping yourself stand out from all the other guys who do this.
Instead, compliment a woman on her workout. Tell her she’s doing amazing and that you can see her strength. The key is to make her feel good about what she’s doing, not what she looks like.
As long as you’re not interrupting her mid-workout when you do it, offering tips or suggestions on how she can improve her workout can be a great way to open up a conversation.
It’s by no means original, but it’s smart because not only are you getting her to notice you, you’re also helping her with her workout. Everyone’s a winner here.
But, there is a way to do this without sounding condescending or like a Mr know-it-all. Keep it short, friendly and helpful. For example, “I noticed you’re doing a lot of work on your legs, but have you thought of adding core exercises? This would really help balance and strengthen your body.”
Be the kind of man who genuinely wants to be nice and this won’t be difficult.
Women come to the gym to work out. We’ve probably had a moderate to intensely stressful day, and we’re looking to blow off some steam, just like you are.
We’re in the gym because we want to take care of our body, so FYI: we’re not cool with you stealing a lot of our time. Therefore, your aim is to take up as little of her time as possible.
Pick the right moment, make your move and be done as quickly as you can. Remember, you’re not going on a date at the gym. The purpose of chatting here is to build rapport, engage in some banter and flirt a bit , then politely ask for her number. You can continue your conversation through texting or by calling her and then setting up a proper date.
Remember, there’s no rush to ask a woman out the first time you notice or speak to her. If you both regularly work out, chances are you’ll see each other again.
You may want to start off by chatting to her briefly and feeling out the situation. You might find after speaking to her you don’t feel enough of a connection to go on a date with her. Or you might learn that she has a boyfriend , in which case you should stick to just being friends.
Take your time with it. Have a few separate, brief conversations before you ask her out. After all, what’s the rush?
One word of caution: be careful with how many women you’re flirting with and dating in your gym. Because if things go sour, you may need to find a new place to work out.
How to hit on a girl at the gym really comes down to a few cardinal rules: pick your timing carefully, be creative, know your approach and be smooth when you make your move .
Always remember to stay relaxed, and think about how she might be feeling at any moment, rather than focusing on yourself. This will help you choose the right moment and your words with care.
As long as you’re respectful of her and her time while being genuine and thoughtful, your chances of success will skyrocket.
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Let me get this out of the way: I love both going to the club (dancing and music are great!) and dudes (they're so cute!). But dudes absolutely ruin the club. There's a reason ladies often get in for free or cheap: Both dudes and non-dudes are happier when the dude ratio is lower. Just a small sampling of things that have happened to me in the club: A dude put my hand on his boner and said, "You did this." A dude threw his drink on me when I ignored him. A dude I was actually dancing with whispered, "Are you on birth control?" A dude started waving (a laughably paltry amount of) money in my face when I said I wasn't interested. And I've lost count of how many dudes have grabbed various parts of my body without anything remotely close to my say-so.
You will notice a commonality here in the doers of these actions. Sure, those are extremely insane things that you would (I hope) never do, but there's a million other smaller ways dudes make the club stressful and shitty, mostly by hitting on girls when we really, really are just there to dance. But I know: The girls are so hot, and there's so many of them, and they look so good while they're dancing, and you want to do it with them! Well, if you insist on bugging us, here's some rules you can follow to keep things chill and fun for everybody.
Have another reason to be there. The club is for dancing and having a good time with your friends. And yeah, sure, people of all genders go there in the hopes of hooking up. But if that's the only reason you're there, you're leeching off of the good energy the fun-havers are putting out there and bumming everybody out.
Don't lurk. A lot of dudes will just loom near girls who are dancing, seemingly in hopes of eventually touching or talking to us. Stop that, dude: You're killing our vibe. Even putting aside the truly important consideration of our vibe, it is totally antithetical to your goal of seeming attractive and cool. No girl has ever been like, "Ooh, see that guy lurking over there? Yeah, girl, the lurk-y one. Wish he'd lurk around in my bedroom, if you catch my drift."
Wait for her signal. This is some "best practices" shit that I know you're not gonna follow, but if she thinks you're cute, she'll make eye contact and maybe smile a little. "But," you protest, "if I only hit on girls who clearly want me to, then I'll never get to hit on any girls." Hmmm. Maybe let that one marinate for a few.
Approach from the front. I hope this seems insane to you, dear reader, but there are dudes in the club who will sort of dance behind girls, inching closer and closer in a hopeful manner until they are "dancing with" you. I don't quite get what the thought process behind this maneuver is, if they think it's like a frog in boiling water, and we won't notice it happening since it's so gradual, and then once they're dancing with us, we'll just have to be like, "Oh, I guess this is my new life, this is fine"? Sorry, but that is not a thing. Don't sneak up on us. Pretend like we're horses. I mean, not generally, just if for some reason you need help remembering not to approach us from the back (weirdo).
Say hi and introduce yourself. Normal human stuff. Don't do any pickup-artist shit, like vaguely insult our hair or ask us a "zany" question or whatever. We're onto you, and we hate it.
Offer to buy her a drink. It's not a bribe—it's a good-faith gesture demonstrating that you respect the value of her time. (Equality, shmequality—we're all adults, so let's not pretend we don't know whose time is more valuable here.)
See if she'd like to dance. This is the fun part! If you don't dance, why are you at the club? Go use Tinder , dude.
Hands off, Handsy. Definitely never start an interaction by touching or grabbing her. And I want to tell you that once you're dancing, and she's throwing off major vibes, touching her waist or whatever is cool, but I don't trust you, so keep your hands to yourself unless you're sure. Are you sure you're sure? Also, even if you're touching her and she's cool with it, don't get greedy and grab around all willy-nilly. That's for home, or maybe the cab.
Respect. The. Curve. This is by far the most important thing on the list, and if it was followed rigorously, the club would be basically a chill utopia. Here are some examples of curves you should respect:
* "I have a boyfriend." This is very possibly a lie, but that's not your business, and don't pull that "you can't have friends?" shit. She is telling you to go away; don't be obtuse. (One time, a guy tried to make me show him pictures of my [imaginary] boyfriend on my phone to prove my [imaginary] boyfriend was real. That is crazy and not a thing you should do.)
* Going to the bar to get a drink and not coming back.
* Being very absorbed in her phone.
* Any form of "no" or "not interested."
Here's what respecting the curve means: Be cool and leave her alone. You're not going to talk her into liking you, and you're making her night shitty for no reason. (If you can't handle rejection without getting pushy or upset, please don't talk to girls until you've been in therapy for awhile.) And even if she's been dancing and flirting with you, she still has the right to curve you at any time, including after you've left the club.
Respect the cockblock, too. Female friendship is real as hell, and our friends are, with rare exceptions, on our team. They want us to get it on with someone cool as much as we do, so if her friends are intercepting you to dance up on her themselves or dragging her off somewhere, chances are your presence is unwanted, and she's made it known. Our girls are our secret weapons against creepers, not jealous haters trying to keep us from the D.
If she's really drunk, just don't. I hope I don't have to explain this one. If she's super drunk and super feeling you, that's great—get her number and text her when she's sobered up. And if you're really drunk, go home. Chances are you're being obnoxious, your vibe-reading abilities have been dampened, and you're not feeling the social inhibition necessary for a civil society.
Have fun! I know dudes are reading this thinking I'm a hater, but I really do believe that consensual club flirting is a beautiful thing, and I partake all the time. Flirting should be fun—it's not an adversarial process unless you make it one. Don't treat us like bodyguards who are trying to keep you from having sex with us. We are us. So help us help you have a good time with us.
Lily Benson lives in Massachusetts and tweets from the club @lil_mermaid .
Adequate Man is Deadspin's new self-improvement blog, dedicated to making you just good enough at everything. Suggestions for future topics are welcome below.
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