High Heels Wife

High Heels Wife
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Sat., Feb. 13, 2021 timer 3 min. read
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca .
Conversations are opinions of our readers and are subject to the Code of Conduct . The Star does not endorse these opinions.
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Q: Why can’t my wife remember what I like in bed?
I love and respect her very much. When we met 12 years ago, she’d just finished a sexless relationship and told me all the things she’d love to do: e.g., positions, buying a yoga couch, wearing nice underwear and high heels!
I thought I’d hit the jackpot, having been in a similar marriage myself, 10 years previous. But when still in the honeymoon period, she said she didn’t think she could keep up with our having sex most nights, both initiating it.
We were in our mid-to-late 40s, I thought it was OK to slow down to once or twice a week. I’m not oversexed, just learning how to please her. But even I wasn’t going to be able to do this every night.
I then asked if she’d sometimes wear stockings and high heels in bed for me, as she’d once mentioned.
She agreed at first. But then she’d forget. I’d remind her every four or five months to take that initiative.
I still find my wife attractive and very sexy; I treat her like a lady. I dress up to take her out, keep myself clean.
She works hard, as do I. I have two jobs but I’m not expecting her to be ever grateful and fulfil my every need.
I’d just like her to remember that I have feelings, desires and some things that I like even though we’re now 11 years older!
We currently have sex once a week, sometimes only once a month, mostly in the missionary position. I always try to give her pleasure first.
Over a year ago, she gave me several pairs of stockings for Christmas, but it wasn’t until my birthday two months later when she wore them for me. And not for 10 months since.
I’ve suggested we try therapy to talk about anything and everything. We’ve brought books to read together but didn’t. I’ve concluded that my wish is never again going to happen.
I’m writing to just understand her. And why she doesn’t remember what I like. I love and care for her very much.
A: First, I’m preparing myself for the one-sided attack from men who’ll say, no matter what I write, “You always side with the woman!”
They’re wrong, I don’t. I’ll try to understand what’s going on for both your sakes.
Unusually, you each had previously accepted long near-sexless relationships. Little wonder you mutually expressed a strong desire for an active, varied sex life and soon found weekly sex agreeable.
Then you requested a specific fantasy — one she’d mentioned herself but has frequently forgotten/ignored over 11 years.
Why? You seem to have no clue, so I’ll raise some thoughts as guesses: 1) Neither of you have considered that she’s actually having memory issues early, in her 50s; (2) She stopped finding the sheer stocking/heels image arousing or fun, and or hates ruining new stockings each time (I’m not kidding).
You’ve raised therapy and researching together to find answers, but though you express love (does she?) there’s no real or honest communication about this, only your single-minded wish that takes the matter no further.
So, yes to therapy for both of you or whomever will go. Yes, to making love whenever it works for you two.
There’s no blame in this story, but unfortunately there’s a barrier between you that makes the stocking fantasy more significant than it need be between a loving couple.
When a single issue affects a loving relationship, discuss it together or seek couple therapy.
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I have some relationship advice for a reader who emailed me this question:
I like having my wife wear high heels during sex. It’s a huge turn on for me. She doesn’t get why I like this and calls it weird. How do I get her to see it as not weird?
Here is my opinion. It doesn’t matter if your wife thinks wearing high heels during sex is weird, and it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t understand why you like it. What matters is that you want her to wear high heels and YOU like it. That should have sold her.
I think that your wife should not even question it. She should just do it. Others might disagree with me, but being in a committed, monogamous relationship is about giving and receiving, pleasing and being pleased, and loving and being loved.
When two people love each other, they should be willing to bend over backwards to any request (within reason) the other one has. Frankly, I don’t think your asking her to wear high heels during sex is that big of a deal.
This issue might go a lot deeper than the high heels, and maybe the two of you need to communicate a little bit more effectively. You should consider sitting her down and just saying, “Heels is something I like. I enjoy it. I think they make you look sexy and beautiful. So, I was hoping that would be enough for you, and just knowing I like it would make you not even question doing it. If there is something you want and/or need, please tell me and I will do it for you. I love you and I want to have a really great sex life with you, and heels are helpful for me.”
See what she says. Maybe she has some personal issues with it, and maybe she isn’t thinking about you, but instead the fact that she thinks for some reason it is wrong/strange/shameful.
I will say this. Men and women are built very differently, and women who are unwilling to go outside the lines in the bedroom often find themselves cheated on. Now, I’m not saying a woman should do things in bed that are uncomfortable or that she finds inappropriate. There is a line that needs to be drawn.
For example, if a woman’s husband asks her to have a threesome, I can understand why she would have a problem and decline. But wearing high heels doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal. Do I think it’s weird? Sure. But I am a woman, and I can’t think of one guy who wouldn’t want his girlfriend or wife to wear high heels in bed. It’s just a guy thing, I guess.
What I have a problem with is your wife’s unwillingness to do it for you. Because if she wanted you to wear, let’s say for example a Tuxedo one night to bed, wouldn’t you do it for her?
More relationship advice: Relationships should be about giving. Men and women should want to give as much as they can. I realize that as time goes by and the newness of a relationship wears off, giving might seem like a chore. But people who are in truly happy relationships are all about giving—even after years and years. Because, what giving does (hopefully) is rub off on the other person, who starts to give. That makes the original giver give more, and it just keeps going from there.
My relationship advice is, talk to your wife. Sit her down with a glass of wine. Maybe buy her a new pair of beautiful shoes. Tell her you love her so much and that you don’t want to be with any other woman. Just her. But, you are a man who has needs and you hope she understands that.
Let me know what happens and best of luck!

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce . It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

Thank you so much for this article. It is especially a relief that it was written by a woman, yet it shares a man’s perspective. I know it’s a bit old, but I wanted to weigh in, and I’d like my feelings, and perspective, validated. I was engaged to a woman, now my ex-fiancee, who always refused to do anything sexy. Her attitude, on a subject like this, would be, “I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do”. And, that is a direct quote. Also, she’d say, “Why would I want to do that? That’s for you, not for me?” She never wore lingerie, not even a hot pair of yoga pants, when I offered to buy them. Again, she’d say, “You’re not buying them for me, but for you”. She had a lot of other sexual hang-ups, beyond the scope of this comment. I do know she had certain body image issues, though she was very attractive. She also refused to openly communicate about our personal desires. It’s as if she had sexual trauma in her past, which is likely, given some things she told me. It doesn’t matter now, as we’re broken up. Though, we did have a child. But, it’s good to know I wasn’t crazy on this matter.
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