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At twenty-three, Wendy Shalit punctured conventional wisdom with A Return to Modesty , arguing that our hope for true lasting love is not a problem to be fixed but rather a wonderful instinct that forms the basis for civilization. Now, in Girls Gone Mild , the brilliantly outspoken author investigates an emerging new movement.
Janet Reitman, Rolling Stone, June 1, 2006
When Rolling Stone magazine starts to read like the National Review, then clearly something has gone very wrong. Not since the Cuban missile crisis of 1962 has there been such bipartisan agreement that we have a problem. It is certainly puzzling. On the one hand, girls are more educated and women more successful in business than ever before. At the same time, girls report that in their private lives, they are feeling enormous pressure to be sexually active and dont know how to say no. Numerous studies from left, right, and center have shown that when women get to college, they are extremely dissatised with the lack of a dating scene. They long to be taken out but instead are made to feel they are weird if they dont go with the ow of the hookup scene instead. The guy means nothing to you is the socially correct view to adopt. Even an article in a womens magazine encouraging the sisterhood to be happy as singlesDown with the Husband Hunt! was the charming titlethe author had to admit that she succumbs . . . from time to time to the theory that we are living in a lopsided dating universe in which the cards are all stacked in favor of the guys. Kerry Ball, twenty-nine, of Miami, told her, Men are just looking for girls to mess around with rather than have a relationship with or even simply date. There are so many single girls looking for relationships that these guys have no trouble nding someone to sleep with them. The number of unmarried women between ages thirty and thirty-four has more than tripled during the past thirty years, and the percentage of childless women in their early forties has doubled. You might say that the glass ceiling has shifted from work to womens personal lives.
At this writing, something called PSD is all over the news, and perhaps it may be helpful. I rst read about PSD in Wired, and since Wired is a technology magazine, I assumed it was referring to Photoshop les (which have PSD le extensions) or that the writer had misspelled Canadas PST, provincial sales tax. Neither assumption was right. But this new breakthrough is revolutionizing peoples intimate lives.
PSD stands for pre-sex discussion. As Regina Lynn glowingly reports, the sex therapist Roger Libby has recently discovered that if you get to know the person youre about to have sex with, even a little bit, the sex itself is improved. Sex is so much more than intercourse and [in his new book] he encourages readers to have an extensive pre-sex discussion, or PSD, before becoming sexually involved with a partner.
Is sex more than just intercourse? This idea is not old-fashioned, like modesty or courtship, you understand. This is a modern thing. Libby is an adjunct professor at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, and his advanced studies of humans have led him to conclude that young people, especially, should conduct PSDs. (His book is billed as A Guide to Intelligent Sexual Choices for Teenagers and Twentysomethings. ) Then we come to the actual elucidation: A PSD is an intimate and entertaining conversation that informs prospective lovers about each others feelings, desires, expectations, fantasies and her/his sexual knowledge and sophistication. Its an introduction to the possibility of a sexual relationship or encounter. Indeed, a properly conducted PSD . . . includes the meaning of sex.
Whenever I hear experts marketing older notions as newfangled radical concepts that have just occurred to them, like PSDs, it makes me wonder HDDTTPA?How dumb do they think people are? It takes a college educated expert to be infected with the opposite notion in the rst place; hence the surprise at the revelation of PSD, known to the rest of us as common sense.
But I can certainly appreciate the need for a verbal paint job. After all, look at what happened to me. Around ten years ago I began to notice that many young women were becoming disenchanted with casual sex, but it was equally clear that waiting for the one was seen as a bit pathologicalonly for those with hang-ups. Single at the time, and not yet living in our moment of heightened PSD awareness, I decided to pen a defense of sexual modesty. I knew that my argumentsthat preserving the erotic depends on a sense of mystery, for examplemight be challenged; but nothing prepared me for the tongue-lashings I would receive from my elders for questioning the ancien regime of the 1960s. The alarm was sounded, and all the professional smirkers were dispatched to the front lines. Katha Pollitt called me a twit who should be in charge of designing new spandex chadors for female olympians. Camille Paglia simply declared, Oh, she makes me sick! In a sense, it was touching to see sworn ideological enemies join hands and come togetherat long lastfor the purpose of descending on me: feminists, antifeminists, libertarians, pornographers. At least I was a uniter, not a divider. Playboy featured my book under the heading A Mans Worst Nightmare, and The Nation solemnly foretold that I would certainly be embarrassed and regret my stance in a few years. I should be ashamed of myself. To some baby boomers, it seemed, modesty is much worse than adultery.
I trudged on, under the heavy burden of the Scarlet M, bafed but fascinated by the eruption I had instigated. After the New York Observer printed a front-page caricature of me as an SS ofcer, it dawned on me that my opponents were illustrating their intolerance far more colorfully than I could have done on my own. Although we live in a supposedly liberated age, our hysterical witch-hunting of those who question our ideal of recreational sex suggests something else: that our liberation does not extend quite as far as we imagine.
But I wasnt discouraged, not even when I received death threats, because I was too busy reading fascinating letters from young women. Precisely because being a romantic is nowadays an unpardonable sin, these young women, thousands of them, had been sure that something was very wrong with them. Seven years later, I still receive the same kind of letter, and it never fails to touch me. Here are excerpts from various letters; youll notice a common thread. First, from Rachel:
You basically laid out almost exactly how I felt as a woman. I am twenty years old and have been asking myself questions like, Whats wrong with me? Why havent I had sex yet? . . . Anyway, reading your book, my faith was restored. I am a romantic. . . . I couldnt gure out why I hadnt just slept with this guy or that one like my friends do. And Ill say I was so close to doing that just because I thought it would help me grow up. Be more my own age. Even my mother wanted me to do it. And thats why I thank God I read your book when I did. I began crying toward the end when I realized that nothing was wrong with me and that I was lucky to still have what I have. My desire to be with one person isnt childish or immature. . . . Im not scared; I just dont have an interest in [sex] as a sport.
Your book honestly helped me make sense of a lot of what I had experienced. I went through a bad stage in college where I remember thinking that my instincts (that what I was doing was bad) were irrational and struggled to adopt an its no big deal attitude. Your book was the rst time I really sorted through things enough to recognize that our instincts are there for a reason and that the its no big deal attitude is such a horribly depressing view to accept.
About 70 percent of these e-mails and letters indicated that the writer felt that wanting marriage and children was an aspiration she needed to hide. (From J: Have I ruined something wonderful by giving in and hiding what I really wantedmarriage and children?) This did not surprise me, but I was shocked that according to nearly half of the letters, a girls own parent thought something was wrong with her for not being sufciently casual about sex. Here is one example, from an e-mail sent in October 2004:
Somehow with it being perfectly normal for twelve- to fourteen-yearolds to have eld/bush parties, getting drunk and having sex and doing whatever the locally available substances were, I managed to be one of the few that escaped with my dignity intact, I guess. I did end up getting ditched after eight months by a guy because I wouldnt have sex with him. . . . I just didnt like him that much. But I certainly did feel ashamed and embarrassed about remaining a virgin so long. . . . I am twenty-three now. My mother freaks out if I want to borrow the car to drive a friend back to [a nearby town] and return in the dark, but when Id just turned twenty, and she and I went to Michigan to visit a guy I wasnt technically seeing at the time, and to see the tall ships in Bay City, and I ended up in his hotel room, which was next door to ours. He was better at conversation and had something more interesting on TV, and Mom was staying up reading and watching QVC, so I wouldnt be able to get much sleep there, either. After she found out that we hadnt had sex, she asked me whether I was frigid or gay. He was nearly forty! Perfectly ne for your twenty-year-old daughter to screw a guy twice her age, just as long as she doesnt return *your* car after dark when shes going somewhere thats all of forty-ve minutes away. My mom thinks Im a freak.
Usually these stories were depressing, but I did hear one that was priceless. A friend of a friend, in her late twenties, returned from a romantic weekend and was sharply interrogated by her motherbut not in the way you might expect. When she found out that her daughter hadnt slept with the new boyfriend after a whole weekend away, the mother warned her ominously, Youre gonna lose him! (She didnt; they eventually got married.)
Parents want to know how to speak to their children about sex, and kids certainly want to hear from parents. (Teenagers Want More Advice from Parents on Sex, Study Says is a typical news headline.) And the experts tell us that parents are the biggest inuence on whether a teenager decides to have sex. Yet there is one big stumbling block: Often parents dont realize that their sexual revolution has become the entrenched status quo. Today many young women feel oppressed by the expectation that they will engage in casual sex, just as their mothers once felt oppressed by the expectation that they would be virgins until marriage. Parents in the grip of a notion that they need to be cool want to show they understand that the kids are going to do it anyway. Ironically, this adds to the pressure. For boys too, Youre liberated, so get going! doesnt always translate into an I care message. William Nobel, M.D., of the Pediatric Association of the University of Texas, shares a story about his practice:
Recently Todd, an anxious fteen-year-old male patient, presented to clinic with vague reproductive tract complaints. He was accompanied by his mother, who returned to the waiting room after the initial inter view. His history gradually revealed a series of sexual encounters with a woman several years his senior. The sexual liaisons included other risks as well, including alcohol and substance use. The teens anxiety resulted from an awareness that his behavior placed him at risk for HIV. He requested HIV testing. While discussing the testing and evaluation for other sexually transmitted infections, the boy began to cry.
I dont think that my mom loves me, he sobbed. Why do you say that? I responded. She doesnt care where I go or who Im with or if I come home at night. I dont have a curfew and she never asks what Im doing.
Reluctance to set limits is not simply a U.S. phenomenon. Because of the challenges parents face after divorceor many times simply because they believe freedom is the better approachmums the word. Parents often dont want to be in their kids bad books, says Sara Dimerman, a child and family therapist who is based in Toronto. After a twelve-year-old girl was stabbed on a street in Torontos entertainment district at two-thirty AM one Saturday in May 2006, many people wondered why a twelve-year-old girl had been partying at all hours in the rst place. The answer, apparently, was that eighth-grade graduation now resembles a high school prom, and many twelve-year-olds party all night like older teens. Coed sleepovers and all-night clubbing often have the parents blessing: Twelve is the new fteen, said the local papers.
In a survey of 1,000 girls in Britain, seven times as many teens picked lap dancer as a good profession over being a teacher. And Jessica, a twenty-one-year-old camp counselor in Paris, tells me she cannot believe the way the twelve-year-olds speak to one another: Les gar ons disent aux lles, Je veux te niquer, et les lles respondent, moi aussi. Cest comme si ils se disaient, Comment vas-tu? et a va bien. (The boys say to the girls, I want to fk you, and the girls say, me too! Its like saying, How are you? and Im ne.) Si la lle ne respond pas moi aussi, ils se moquent delle en disant es-tu homosexuelle ou quoi? (If a girl doesnt say me too! then its like, Are you gay or what?)
Who is countering these pressures? Well, theres Sharon Stone, who travels around the world and hears from young people while she is signing autographs. Often she is asked, What to do if Im being pressured for sex? In March 2006, asked this by yet another girl, Stone saw t to make public the advice shes been giving teen girls for a while: I tell them what I believeoral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If youre in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. This advice was widely circulated. One Internet-based sex educator who works with teenagers thanked Stone for her frank discussion; he also thought of teens Ive talked to while doing sex education who have had sex when they really didnt want to. On the other hand, he worried she may be unaware of the many STDs that can be transmitted via oral sex.
Sexually transmitted diseases are indeed a problem: over 4 million new cases are diagnosed each year. But the reason Stone's advice is awful goes far beyond STDs, Im afraid. If a girl doesnt want to have sex, why cant she just say no, without having to offer an oral consolation prize? Nowadays, girls are made to feel that they have to offer something, and it had better be more than just the pleasure of their company.
The sad fact is that much of the sex teen girls have is unwanted. In a study of 279 female adolescents published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine in June 2006, about 41 percent of girls ages fourteen to seventeen reported having unwanted sex. Most of the girls had unwanted sex because they feared the partner would get angry if denied sex. And even when sex is wanted, it tends to be regretted soon afterespecially by girls. According to a study done by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy in 2004, two-thirds of all sexually experienced teens said that they wished they had waited longer before having sex (in studies in both 2000 and 2004, the number of girls who regretted sex was consistently higher than the number of boys).
People are always surprised to learn thisas Diane Sawyer was when her famous special on Norplant in urban high schools turned up this unforseen fact. All of the sexually active girls the reporters talked to wished they had waited until marriage. The adults in the segment were strongly in favor of Norplant for teenage girls, so hearing the girls confess this came as a shock.
The marriage educator Marline Pearson, who teaches at Madison Area Technical College in Wisconsin, described the pressure on girls to have lots of casual sex. By the time girls are fourteen to sixteen, according to one of her young students, they dont have any concept of sex as something special. After awhile it makes them feel worthless. There is no pleasure. They arent enjoying it. Pearson sadly remarks, I increasingly hear girls talk about sex as something you just do. Get it over with, get desensitized, so you dont think or expect too much of it. Sad commentary.
In a survey done in 2005, the steamy adult series Desperate Housewives ranked as the most popular network television show among kids ages nine to twelve. That means they are soaking up story lines such as Bree and her teen son competing to bed the same man, or glamorous Gaby trashing virginity:
Are you sure shes a virgin? Yeah, I wouldnt just bash her for nothing.
Rich men dont marry virgins, for the same reasons they dont hire chauffeurs who cant drive. They value experience.
Yet in real life, the more experiences teens have, the more likely they are to be depressed and commit suicideagain, this is particularly true of girls.
In May 2006 a study supported by the National Institutes of Health found that among nearly 19,000 teens, girls were about four times more likely to be depressed if they experimented with sex, and that the depressive symptoms generally increased as the risky behavior increased. Girls who abstained from sex (or drugs) didnt have signicantly different rates of depression from boys who abstained, but as soon as boys and girls started experimenting, girls were much more likely to become depressed from engaging in low to moderate risk behaviors. These symptoms of depression included a loss of appetite, feelings of sadness, . . . a loss of interest in areas in which they were previously interested, and a hopeless feeling for the future.
In an important study from the Pacic Institute for Research done in 2005, the authors concluded that sex, drugs and alcohol among teens actually precedeand apparently lead tothe onset of adolescent depression, which contradicts the common belief that depressed teens may be selfmedicating through substance abuse and sex. For some time now, weve known that sexually active teenagersparticularly girlsare more likely to be depressed and to attempt suicide, but there is some kind of fortress or wall of denial between the facts and the advice that is given to teenagers. Yet their unhappiness can be ignored for only so long.
Every emergency room is seeing girls who have deliberately cut themselves badly, and psychiatrists who work in ERs tell us that self-mutilation is usually caused by feelings of anger and rejection. The authors of Packaging Girlhood tell us not to worry too much: Researchers tell us that cutting is not as severe a symptom as it may seem. It serves two purposes: It brings stress relief when a child feels overwhelmed, and it helps her feel real in a world that doesnt know her, doesnt see her. Leaving aside the fact that the girls themselves report being miserable, and even if you accept the whitewashingthat they merely do not feel realisnt this strange enough? Suddenly girls do not feel real, in a society which is supposed to have girls liberation as its goal.
This, I would submit, is because conforming to badness is ultimately more oppressive than conforming to goodness. Badness demands that you lose your virginity ASAP, to whomever, as long as you get rid of it. You dont have to like the person youre hooking up with; as long as you go along, we wont throw tomatoes at you. And if you really dont want to have sex, then you must offer secondary sexual favors instead (as recommends Sharon Stone). Could it be that badness requires more suppression of individual preferences than goodness ever did? As the old guides for yo
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