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Motherlode

| ‘Sleepovers’ With My 9-Year-Old Daughter

I Want to Thank You
How Family and Friends Helped Get Me Through the Pandemic

A Journey Through Black Nova Scotia

Store Shelves Are No Longer Bare, but Baby Formula Remains in Short Supply

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Mosquito Fire Rages in Northern California

By Amy Arndt
October 7, 2012 8:00 am
October 7, 2012 8:00 am

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When I was in high school in the late ’80s, I took a job baby-sitting for a single mother with a 9-year-old boy. I didn’t know the family well. The father was absent from the situation, and the mother
appeared overwhelmed. The kid ran the show, and he got what he wanted by throwing fits, stomping his feet and pouting. The mother doted on her son, and spoke to him in a syrupy baby talk that made my skin crawl.
On my first day on the job, the mother took me on a tour of the house. When we got to her bedroom, the bed was unmade on both sides, and we stood there uncomfortably while I cringed at the thought that this rather unpleasant
woman had not slept alone. After a moment of silence, the mother shrugged apologetically and fessed up: her sleeping companion was her son. Given that I was a teenager and felt I was an expert on child psychology,
I quickly determined that the child’s behavioral problems were linked to the fact that he still slept with his mother.
Some 25 years later, I’m married with two teenage stepchildren and a 9-year old daughter. Because of our unique situation (five people in a three-bedroom home, custody schedules, etc.), the sleeping arrangements
can get quite creative. Yet one thing remains consistent: on Tuesday nights, my husband sleeps on the couch in the living room, and my 9-year-old daughter sleeps with me.
Confessing this publicly is not easy, because I’m a highly opinionated woman who has been known to change her mind on a variety of issues. Before the birth of my daughter, I bragged endlessly about my plans to
breastfeed. Yet despite a large investment in a private lactation consultant and a breast pump that rivaled a Dyson DC41 Animal, I produced about four drops of milk. As soon as I cracked open the first can of formula,
I shut my mouth and got back to taking care of business, and life was better for all of us, most important, our infant.
So despite the fact that I once thought that a 9-year-old sleeping with a parent was a terrible idea, I have to eat my words. I don’t know exactly how the Tuesday night sleepovers started, but it’s one
of my favorite nights of the week. I work full time, and this is time I spend catching up with my daughter. We hop in bed, talk about our days, watch lousy TV and cuddle.
Unlike the conversations in the car, where I’m distracted or stressed, or the big family dinners, when everyone talks at the same time, our sleepover nights allow for uninterrupted time to tackle the Big Questions
of Life. I’ll hear about problems at school, answer questions on religion, and attempt to explain puberty without sounding like a seventh-grade health teacher. Most of these nights, my daughter asks me to
sing her to sleep, and I bask in the glory that at this point in her life, she still thinks I can sing like Adele.
Take an informal poll of other parents, and you may discover that unique sleeping arrangements are not unusual. Several single, divorced mothers have confessed to me that they let their kids sleep with them. It’s
for a variety of reasons – some do it because they feel they can be closer to protect their child, others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce. Some parents tell me
that an occasional sleepover with a kid isn’t a big deal at all. And then you have parents who have taken the Ferber Method so seriously that the mere thought of having their kid in bed with them sends them
straight to the child psychologist.
At the end of the day, it’s about choices. I am going to blink twice, and my 9-year-old, who already practices rolling her eyes at me like a sassy-pants teenager, is going to have absolutely zero interest in
hanging out with me, much less participate in a sleepover. So until things change, I’ll cherish our Tuesday nights, and keep on cranking out the lullabies as long as I have a daughter who requests them.
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We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and
all families. Join us to talk about education, child care, mealtime, sports, technology, the work-family balance and much more
Each week, we send out a newsletter containing the news and headlines that matter most to parents.

The Times is introducing Well Family, a new online report with expanded coverage of parenting, childhood health and relationships to help every family live well. Read more…

I can’t promise that our foster son can stay with us, but I can I try to prepare him for the possibility of leaving without adding to his fear. Read more…

As much as parents want to know about areas that our children are struggling in, we’re also wondering what teachers like about them. Read more…

By the time children are in middle school, parents should be stepping back. But what if another child won’t stop annoying yours? Read more…

In November, this family adopted five young children from foster care. Read more…
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Having known many people who slept with their children from infancy onward, I've always wondered how much of it was for them and how much of it was for the "baby." I raised my son alone from the age of 2, and while we spent most of our waking hours together, it was very important to both of us to have autonomy when we slept. He's grown up and married now, but was, and remains, a self-reliant person who never had any of the issues I heard about in other children--waking in the night, being afraid to sleep in his own bed, etc. I think there's a lot to be said for conventional sleeping habits, and for making a child's bed a pleasant place to be.
Co-sleeping with older children is plain creepy and it is not the same thing as letting the kids in the marital bed for cuddling and then tucking them into their own beds every night. Not to mention that it always seems to be the woman who insists there is no problems in their marriage because of this arrangement, as if not being able to have sex without scheduling it cannot hurt a marriage in any way. It is not that co-sleeping seems overly sexual, it just seems a way to infantilize a child, away to stop them from becoming independent, not allowing them to grown up, very similar to breastfeeding a child until they are tall enough to stand up and nurse. Both of these things seem to have little to do with what is best for the child and everything to do with what is best for a needy, neurotic parent. But this situation is nothing like that, it is more like a pajama party, but so best enjoy it while you can!
I know an Asian family where the husband gets up early morning to be with his wife, because the wife generally sleeps with the 16 year old youngest daughter and till 2 years ago with her second son, one on each side. This is what the children wanted. The mother breastfed all her 3 children till the parties concerned, did not want to continue; just a matter of demand and supply for mother's milk and physical and mental satiety. There are no tantrums. All things are explained to children. Everybody does their things. just togetherness!
Utopian? No!. It is new immigrant family. They have not yet started to split hairs and to start conforming with new values and traditions. If you simplify or complicate life, only to the extent that you need and can afford, life will good to you. Talk to the 9 year old kid! You will be surprised by his understanding.
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