Help My Stepmom
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Help My Stepmom
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Talk to a counselor or therapist. Many people find talking to professionals about hard things can be helpful. Professionals have seen many different kinds of stepparent situations before. They’ll likely have practical suggestions on how to cope. A counselor or therapist that focuses specifically on children and teenagers can be a great resource for you. [1]
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Professionals are people who aren’t personally involved with your situation, and who have years of expertise in helping people get through hard times.
They are outside the relationships that bind your family and can often help you understand your situation in a new way.
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Confide in your friends and family. The advantages of talking to your friends and family members about your stepmom is that you’re likely spending time and talking to them anyway - you don’t have to schedule a special time or go out of your way. Your friends and family will have a personal investment in your happiness.
Because your friends and family won’t be neutral about the situation with your stepmom, their advice might not be as helpful. The best advice often comes from people without a personal connection to the situation.
It’s best to have a combination of people, including friends, families, and professional counselors to help you.
If you are part of a faith community, consider asking an adult in this community for support. Many times priests, rabbis, ministers and others have training in counseling in addition to their religious education.
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Talk to your dad. If you are unsure how to relate to your stepmom, ask your dad if you can sit down and discuss it with him. It’s best if you explain your frustrations clearly, without getting angry. Most likely, your father will have some good ideas. You might need to talk to your counselor or friend about the best ways to approach him. Consider the following:
"Dad, I’m feeling confused and sad. It’s a lot harder to adjust to having a stepmom than I thought. Do you have any good ideas?"
"I’m not sure how to treat my stepmom. She’s not my real mom, but she’s also not just your girlfriend anymore. What do you think I should do?"
"I wanted to talk to you about some of the changes that are going on in our family. I’m feeling uncomfortable with my stepmom and I’m not sure what to do about it."
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Remind yourself that you are valuable. Everything you say and do has value. When you understand that you are an important member of your family, you’re more likely to realize that your opinions matter. [2]
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Expert Source
Rebecca Kason, PsyD Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
If you are feeling unappreciated or undervalued, then speak up and let your parent and stepmom know. [3]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source
It’s natural to desire a sense of safety and security. This comes when you have a feeling that you are seen and valued.
Most people want to feel like their emotions and ideas are important to the people in their household. If you don’t feel like this is true for you, find someone you trust to talk to.
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Be aware of your attitude. Are you making things worse in the household by being antagonistic towards your stepmom? It’s natural to get defensive when you’re struggling to accept your new family dynamic. If you’re making rude comments, or being disrespectful, you might be making the problem worse. When you are sad, frustrated or angry, it is easy to get caught up in these types of behaviors. [4]
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Picking fights and being angry makes it harder to focus on homework or fun things, like activities with friends and family members.
Arguing with your stepmom won’t bring your father closer to you. It may actually make things worse between you.
You don’t always need to agree with your stepmom, but try to keep your opinions as respectful as you would like hers to be towards you.
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Try to accept the situation. Although having a hard time letting go is a natural reaction, continuing to dwell on the past will only cause more pain and prolong the adjustment period. Instead of thinking about what you're leaving behind, focus on accepting this situation you’re in right now and creating a positive future. [5]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source
One way to practice acceptance is to refocus your attention on something positive. Instead of dwelling on the trouble you’re having with your stepmom, find ways you can get more involved with your school or community even as your family is changing.
Try a new activity – drama, rock climbing, volunteering at a soup kitchen, whatever sounds interesting to you.
Getting out of the house, meeting new people and having new experiences will help keep you from resenting your stepmom all the time.
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Try writing in a journal. Journaling helps you reflect on things that happen during the day. It’s a great self-teaching tool, because it often shows you new things about yourself. If you’re struggling with your stepmom, setting aside at least 20 minutes every day to write in a journal will likely help you handle your feelings. [6]
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Journaling allows you to consider how changing your thoughts or behaviors might have brought about a different outcome.
Some people find that once they’ve written down the day’s events, they also spend a few minutes writing about about the lessons of the day, and brainstorming alternative ways to react to stress, handle relationships and recognize and appreciate life’s positive moments.
It’s a healthy practice to always write down at least 3 things in your daily journal that you’re grateful for. This helps your attention from becoming overly negative.
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Get involved in exercise. Clinical studies show that people who exercise at least an hour per day are more likely to feel positive and respond well to life’s stresses. Moderately intense exercise is one of the highest recommended forms of coping. [7]
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Moderate exercise means that your breath should be quicker than normal.
Running, brisk walking, swimming laps, or hiking are ways that you can exercise on your own. Playing team sports like basketball, soccer, volleyball or other sports all are great ways to include social exercise in your daily life.
Try to include strength-based training several times per week. Strength training includes weightlifting, gymnastics, push-ups and other resistance exercises.
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Cultivate a positive outlook. When you notice yourself complaining, try to balance this with a positive statement. Try to pay your stepmom a compliment every day, no matter how small it is. Even if you feel worried or upset, you can try to find something good to focus your attention on. [8]
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Expert Source
Rebecca Kason, PsyD Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
Try to notice what you’re saying to yourself. For example, if your internal dialogue with yourself ("self-talk") is filled with negative statements about yourself or other people, you might want to try and change this.
Negative thought patterns are easy to fall into, and hard to remove. If you’re struggling with negative feelings, talking to someone you trust, such as your dad, a counselor or another adult, may help.
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Talk to other kids with stepparents. It’s not unusual to have a stepmom. You probably even have a friend or two with a stepparent. Getting advice from someone your age who is in a similar situation can prove to be very valuable. [9]
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Feeling as though you aren't the only one adjusting to a stepparent will make you feel less anxious about the situation.
Try to identify with another kid’s situation, rather than focus on what’s different about your families. Even if your friend’s situation is different from yours, she’s likely to be sympathetic to what you have to say.
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Talk to your stepmom directly. Starting a conversation about what is bothering you will help you get to know each other better. Sometimes resolving a problem together can make people feel closer to each other. This can help ease the tension and resolve the problems between you. Approach her with your concerns in an honest and nonjudgmental way. [10]
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Expert Source
Rebecca Kason, PsyD Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
Some suggestions for starting the conversation are:
"I’m sad and angry about how things are going. Can we talk about it?"
"I want us to have a better relationship. Can we discuss how we could maybe do that?"
"I know you’re different than my mom, but it really bothers me when _____ happens. How can we fix this?"
"I’m not used to your way of doing things yet. I was wondering if we could talk about what you think house rules should be."
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Learn how to cope if your concerns are ignored. Unfortunately, not all parents listen to and respect the fact that their children have valid opinions. This is known as an authoritarian parenting style, in which "it's my way or the highway." [11]
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Feeling unheard and being told to fall in line and simply accept your new situation "because I said so" can be extremely frustrating. If your dad and stepmom aren't listening when you say you're struggling, you may need to take other steps to deal with your stepmom.
Talk to the school counselor about your feelings.
Consider asking a mediator to be present when you talk to your dad and/or stepmom. A trusted grandparent, aunt or uncle, counselor, or family friend can help you communicate and compromise. Your dad and stepmom might be more willing to listen if there is another trusted adult present. [12]
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Choose your battles carefully. Try to be as agreeable and helpful as possible. However, when you really need to get your point across strongly, do so with honesty and conviction. Your opinions do matter.
While you may wish things could go back to the way they were, your family's dynamics have changed considerably. Be aware that some things must be different. Try your best not to fight every small change. [13]
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When you feel you need to speak up, you absolutely should. Try to be direct and leave out any sarcasm, and you will have a better chance of being heard.
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