Hell Nasty Two Times

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Hell Nasty Two Times
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February 24, 2022 April 7, 2021 by Barrie Davenport
I was talking with a friend this week who was telling me about some encounters with a relative.
My friend is one of the kindest, most loving, self-aware people on the planet. But the member of her family treats her atrociously.
Of course, it is extremely painful for my friend.
She has spent a lifetime trying to win her mother’s love and approval, but her efforts are consistently met with coldness and disapproval.
I have another friend whose father had a borderline mental illness. He was sane enough that he appeared “normal” — but he really had the emotional maturity of a teenager.
He was manipulative, self-absorbed , and often inappropriate. My friend could barely stand to be in his presence.
My own father (now deceased) could be a very difficult person. He had very poor relational skills, resorted to passive-aggressive behaviors, and couldn’t communicate his feelings well.
Sometimes he resorted to anger and stomping around the house in a grown-up version of a toddler tantrum.
As a teenager and young adult, I couldn’t understand why there was such a disconnect between us and why our relationship was so superficial. Trying to connect with him was like jumping in a pool with only six inches of water.
I know there must have been more in there, but God love him, he couldn’t express it, and neither myself, my siblings, nor my mother could reach it.
I’m sure as you’re reading, you’re thinking about people in your own family who fall on the spectrum of mean and disrespectful.
They can be just plain mean and nasty or somewhere else on the scale of disagreeable due to low emotional intelligence, poor self-esteem , bad upbringing, or just a wanky or narcissistic personality type.
And of course, I don’t need to tell you that when your family member behaves this way with you, it has very little (or more likely nothing) to do with you personally.
It’s all about them, who they are, their past experiences, their unmet needs, their inability to communicate in healthy ways, their fears, etc.
Intellectually, that’s all fine and good.
But if that person is your mother, your father, your sibling, your child, or God forbid, your spouse, it’s hard to just remember it’s all about them and calmly let it roll off your back.
We have far too much emotional investment and history with these people to be able to disengage without being deeply wounded in the process. And sadly, these relationships tend to bring out the worst in us, regardless of how evolved and self-aware we might be.
I mean really if your own mother doesn’t show you love or treats you like a child when you’re 45 or tries to sabotage you in some way — how can you not want to fall on the floor in a heap and cry your eyes out?
Or if your father is still disappointed in you because you didn’t live up to his expectations or can’t show you an ounce of tenderness or never has any time or interest in your life, why wouldn’t you want to scream, “I hate you!” just like a petulant teenager?
These are the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and support us in good times and bad.
If one or both of our parents is toxic, not supportive, hypercritical, narcissistic, resentful, controlling, unloving, or mentally ill — it can infect your entire life and turn you from an emotionally mature adult into a wounded, infuriated child.\
As you grow into adulthood and realize how hurtful your parent was when you were a child — when you couldn’t understand their behavior — you’ll have buckets of your own anger and resentment to sort through.
It is extremely hard to release these painful feelings in healthy ways, especially if they are received with more bad behavior or rejection.
So how can you cope with and manage with people who are mean and disruptive?
And more importantly, how can you protect yourself from being continually hurt and disrupted by their behavior?
As I mentioned before, most of the bad behaviors with these people stem from their own issues.
Perhaps they had tough childhoods or never learned how to express their feelings, pain, and anger in appropriate and mature ways.
Maybe they are lacking in self-esteem, they are coping with their own bitterness and regret, or they don’t have the emotional strength or motivation to create positive change in their lives.
Or it could be they have some kind of mental illness — like depression, a personality disorder, or narcissism.
When you understand their pain and experiences ,you will often have more compassion for them. When you have compassion, their harsh behaviors might still annoy or offend you, but they won’t cause you as much pain because it redirects your focus from yourself to them.
If the behaviors are so bad and the wounds so deep, it is hard to genuinely feel compassion. If you can intellectually understand the source of your family member’s behaviors, then make an intelligent decision about how you want to treat this person in spite of their behaviors.
Attempting to punish them with your anger or retribution won’t change their behavior if they are so entrenched in their own “stuff.” Make a rational decision about who you want to be around this person, and practice being that person even if you don’t feel it right away.
If the difficult person shows some willingness or ability to improve the relationship and you are motivated to try to improve it, then initiate a conversation or series of conversations to discuss your own boundaries, listen to theirs, and to try to negotiate for better behavior.
This can be a tricky conversation when someone is defensive, sensitive , or angry. It’s always good to begin these conversations with something positive. You can mention how much you value them and the relationship. You can discuss how much you care about them and how motivated you are to improve the relationship.
As you express your frustrations, communicate with them by telling your family member how they make YOU feel rather than blaming them or pointing out how immature or unpleasant their behaviors are. For example, you could say something like, “When you are critical, it really hurts me deeply because I value your good opinion and want to have a mutually supportive relationship. Would you be willing to focus on the best in me rather than criticizing?”
If you find these conversations quickly devolve into blaming and recriminations, then seek the assistance of a counselor to mediate the discussion and work with both of you on healthy communication skills. More often than not, a third party can mitigate the desire to lash out or walk away.
Even if it is crystal clear your family member is the harsh person in the relationship, be open to looking at yourself and what you may have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to the problem. And ask yourself if there is any truth, even the tiniest shred, related to what they are saying to or about you.
If you are angry and hurt by this person, you will likely have lashed out in response or at least hurled a few zingers their way. Of course, this only further inflames the problem. Try to remember to be the person you want to be in spite of the other person’s behavior.
Sometimes these hard relationships can be an opportunity for the greatest learning about ourselves. They can hold a mirror up to our deepest fears, wounds, and longings. Have the courage to look in the mirror and use what you see to work on your own growth and development.
I’ve found it’s helpful to have very little or no reaction when a mean family member tries to engage in bad behavior. If they try to ensnare you in a verbal argument, give them nothing in response except a non-committal reply like, “that’s interesting,” or “you might be right,” or just “hmm.”
If they are defensive, petulant, passive-aggressive, or critical, simply smile or excuse yourself from the room. Your lack of reaction will throw them off-center and eventually, they will realize their behavior doesn’t work with you.
My friend with the mean father ultimately decided she could only spend an hour or so with him every few months. She realized she could not include him in family events or have him interact with her children. She had to create very strict personal and emotional boundaries with him.
You may find you need to limit your interactions with the harsh family member . This may cause some backlash from them or others in your family, but you are the only person who can take care of your feelings and emotional energy. You may need to back off, skip some family gatherings, or stay for shorter periods of time.
If you see texts or phone calls come in from the rude person, simply don’t answer them and only reply to messages that are kind or neutral.
In some families, the dynamic is so dysfunctional that the individual members take sides. There is a camp for you and one against you, headed up by the difficult family member. Do your best not to contribute to gossip or attempt to justify or undermine any members of your family. Ultimately, the healthy-minded people in your family will gravitate toward you and your more mature and measured behavior.
Having a parent who doesn’t behave like a loving, mature, and supportive parent is extremely painful. Having a sibling who creates problems or treats you poorly is also painful. When you don’t have family members who behave the way family is supposed to behave, it is a huge loss. Everyone desires a close and loving relationship with their family. When you don’t have that, it can feel like a huge rejection or even a death.
If the pain of this is debilitating, work with a counselor to help you process the feelings and grief associated with your loss of your “dream family.” Acknowledge to yourself that is ISN’T okay to have this difficult relationship, but that your CHOOSE to thrive in spite of it. Acknowledge your pain, cry over it, share it with someone, and then choose to live happily anyway.
Living under the negative specter of a mean-spirited , unpleasant family member can cause real upheaval and pain in your life. Feeling unloved, misunderstood, unduly criticized, manipulated, or victimized can wreak havoc with your self-esteem and general contentment in life.
As tough as the situation may be, you do have control over your own reactions and decisions around this relationship. Don’t give away more time and energy than is absolutely necessary to a person (even a person who happens to be your parent or sibling) than absolutely necessary.
Do you have a difficult family member in your life? How are you managing your relationship with this person?
Would you be willing to send out some love to your friends and family? Please share this post on dealing with difficult people on your preferred social media platform.
thank you – I really needed to hear this today.
This weekend I volunteered to go to my parents house (they live in dunedin fl)pick them up and take them to miami fl to visit my son and my beautiful granddaughter and my sons sig other. On the way down there my father treated me like crap. Get this I’m 56 yrs old female a respected registered nurse and according to my father I don’t know how to drive, I’m stupid, I don’t know where I’m going, i dont know how to get there, I’m an idiot, oh and get this he is on dialysis, he has htn and hasn’t driven in years. I have begged him. For years to on antidepressants, and anti anxiety Meds. Of course he didn’t ask me politely he proceeded to tell me and my husband where we were going. And specifically what street to turn on which way to go, because I am after all an idiot and don’t know where I am going. Mind you i was bitting my tounge changing the subject making polite smll take. he didn’t know how I managed to get a drivers license. By the time it was time to go home mind you a 5 hr drive. I blew up. I turned the car off in the middle of the road. I know this is dangerous. I did put my emergency lights on I had to sceam at him 4 or 5 times. I told him in Spanish that he was To me disrespectfully. I loved him and I was His daughter. That just like I gave him respect I spoke with That I Deserve the same in return. Ice screamed and i screamed and I said you need to be quiet. You need to talk to me in loving kind and respectful terms. With a tone in your voice as if you love me. Because I loved him he is My father. And I had to scream it 5 times. I told him if he could not talk to me with love in his voice. Then I didn’t want him to talk to me at all. I said I did not want to hear his voice. I said he was in my car. And he will speak to everyone in my presence with respect. And if he could not Do that. Then he was to be silent. And I yelled and screamed and cried and told Him. That was not going to move the car. Until he was quite.
After I did that. It was very liberating. And I cried all the way home. 5 hours.
Wow Natacha. It is so sad that he couldn’t come to this awareness without this situation happening. But I’m glad you were able to clearly set your boundaries with him. Has he continued to respect them?
Sounds alot like my GF, but I don’t think the anti anxiety meds etc…. will help, sounds alot like a Narcissist, lack of empathy etc….
I am sorry that this difficult situation provoked such a response and can only say that when I feel pushed to my limit that I some times say and do things that I normally would not. As a father who did his best but did not always succeed it is not easy to know what to do and what not to do. Thank you for your courage in sharing your pain frustrations and embarrassments that you experienced with your father who you Love and Loves you. When a man gets older he finds that he can not do many of the thinks that he could and reacts in frustration at time he Love you to and feels safe enough to let his feelings out not always in a way that is pleasant, this does not excuse what he does but only explains it. If you can understand that it is his own fears and inadequacies not you that he is really addressing his feeling of powerlessness as I beloved that when he is by himself he regrets his tones criticisms and unloving actions deeply but feels shame and gilt and disgust with himself and that he feels that he does not deserve such an awesome daughter as you are. You are a good daughter we only hurt the ones we love is so true I hope that your father can begin to see himself as you do so that he can see the gift that he has in you and the gift that he is to you. Love is the key that we all need. Is there a way that you both can find one thing that you can enjoy together that brings you both happiness and fulfilment that enriches your time together so that you can both heel and have memories that enrich you both You are both worth it.
Are you kidding me. Your giving this guy an excuse? Your telling us how he feels. Natacha has probably been treated this way her whole life by him. I too am a RN and 56 yes old. I only recently have been able to see my parents for who they really are because I believed their negative messages about me. It is natural to idealize and look up to your parents and difficult to find fault in them. My eyes are wide open now and I learning soooo much about my goodness and worth. Only now learning my parents aren’t perfect. They are not willing to admit ever making mistakes or being wrong. They gossip to my siblings and me to pit us against each other. Show no remorse when told they have hurt me but instead get angry. Would it kill them to build me up instead of putting me down, have I ever done anything right and why do I always need improving, is it their job to fix me, am I that inadequate? Stop telling about my siblings accomplishments and bragging to me about them tell them your proud of them just like me they need to hear that from you. Just like they need to hear you say you were wrong, have made mistakes and have regrets. Tell us your sorry once in awhile would go a long ways in helping us feel valued. If we aren’t valued by are parents then how can we value ourselves or believe anybody else values us. Why do your children feel they need to earn your love and feel we have to perform, demonstrate or accomplish something to get attention. Are you ashamed of us, you worry more about what other people think or feel then we do, we need you to take our side, stand with us and defend us in our presents so we don’t feel alone and doubt ourselves. Self doubt is destructive to your soul it invalidates you as a person. If we receive from the people who are suppose to love us invalidation then we start believing we are wasting time on earth and taking up space. I am pretty sure parents don’t want their children to feel unworthy of their membership in the family. If someone treats us inappropriate do you really mean to blame the victim because you do that in the subtle comments and questions you ask. If I tell you my husband raped me and your response is “isn’t that a bit harsh, he is your husband?”, or “haven’t you been intimate lately, men have needs?”
I can relate to so much of what you said. Thank you.
I just have to say if this ever happens again you need to drive him home..really this is not acceptable behavior for anyone but esp. family. Have the respect for yourself to excuse yourself from his abuse…family is important however you must treat those that you love with dignity and he acted like a crazy toddler. I feel for you and hope that you get help in dealing with your father.
I’m only 14 and yet my mom is very very very mean to me.she acts crazily when imake a little mistake nod she makes me panic I have low self esteem nd on top of that when I need a shoulder to cry on no one is there for me I feel lonely nd scared my family is soooo mean to me
Hi Andrea,
I’m so sorry you are having such difficulties with your mom. Do you have a school counselor you could talk with about how you are feeling? You need to be able to talk about your fears and loneliness. Is there another adult you feel safe and comfortable with? I hope you reach out to someone you can trust who can help you and your mom work through these challenges. I know you are scared to talk about it with anyone, but you will feel so relieved to find a caring adult who can help you.
I at time wander why some mother keep confusing there own kids to apoint of even hating them with there grandys kids.and it is worse when amother is not truethfull to her own kids.
I know how difficult this can be i I was the scapegoat for my dsyfunctional family, with repeated abuse both emotional and physical until i fled at age 16 As a result of no supportive family, i developed severe depression and anxiety, I ve been on meds for years. My adult daughter has treated me so abusively that i finally had to break offf contact with her, I went through a grieving process but am doing ok now, It is so demoralizing that the ones who should love me the most, are so horrible.. I finally had to let it go Now i avoid abusive relationships, otherwise my whole life i will be a victim
Dear Andrea.
I see you wrote a yr or so ago , how are you. Id give
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