He Sucks Dick
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He Sucks Dick
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Apr 28, 2014 at 3:44 pm
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A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”
OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.
Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.
So strap in, it’s going down! You can read more Let's Do It with Bri Pruett stories like " How to Suck a Dick—Part 2 ," " How to Get Your Dick Sucked ," " How to Pick a Sex Playlist ," and more here !
HOW TO SUCK A DICK 1. You gotta really want to suck that dick
A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?
Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.
I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it's a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.
And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL , and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.
No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob. 2. First Contact You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE ?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it. Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).
PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?
There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.
With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact. 2a. Position
OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)
In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.
Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!
Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.
On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!
Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs, @BriPruett
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Arguably, anyone that lives to give head is going to be better than anyone that sucks dick (pun intended) obligatorily. I've had both men and women give it their all, after convincing me it would be worth it.
However, sorry ladies, there are just some things guys do better. Sucking dick is one.
1. We have a penis. We've been playing with it for longer than we admit, and know what we like. Knowing that, we can work with familiar territory.
2. We fantasize about getting sucked off more than anything else, and would do it ourselves if given the opportunity.
3. Men, by nature, are cock-suckers. You've yelled it, we've yelled it. No one can deny this fact.
4. Men are better designed for it. Social conditioning has made it acceptable for a man to unhinge his jaw in order stuff his face (full of food), while a lady must be dainty and proper and take small bites. Also, our mouths are just bigger. We've been designed to essentially deep throat anything we set our minds to.
5. Because we're men, and men are great at everything.
Disagree ladies? Shut up and suck my dick. (Just kidding.)
But really – despite my arguments above, I'll be forever more than happy and willing to accept your pleas and experience your attempts at proving otherwise. It's only fair. Real men compromise.
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Savage Love
Jan 6, 2020 at 1:34 pm
Her Boyfriend Isn't Gay or Bi But He Is Sucking Dicks in Glory Holes
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I'm gonna take your long list of questions as they came...
1 . "Should I support my BF around exploring his sexuality?"
Your boyfriend hasn't exactly been waiting around for your support. He's been out there exploring glory holes without your support or your consent, GLORY, and he's going to keep on giving blowjobs with or without your support or consent. While he recently let you know he's been sucking dick in glory holes all this time, it doesn't sound like he asked how you felt about it or whether it was okay with you if he kept on sucking dicks in glory holes. If you're fine with it and/or you think it's hot, GLORY, then grant retroactive approval to all past blowjobs and prior approval for all future blowjobs. But don't kid yourself: your boyfriend didn't ask you for permission to suck all those dicks and he's not going to stop sucking dicks now.
2 . "Does he even need to explore this?"
3 . "Do you think this is a kink or part of his sexual orientation or both?"
Some people think kink is a sexual orientation —kinks are certainly hard wired and not chosen—but, even if they're not, drawing a neat line between a person's kink (or kinks) and their sexual orientation isn't always easy. Or possible. Or necessary. But sure, GLORY, this may be a fetishistic desire on your boyfriend's part or he could be the tiniest bit bisexual and this is how your boyfriend expresses his tiny bit of bisexuality and only his unresolved homophobia/biphobia prevents him from conceiving of himself as bisexual. Or he could be secretly be a whole lotta gay but sucking dicks in glory holes is all the gay he'll allow himself.
Or he could be one of those non-gay/non-bi guys who loves to suck the occasional dick. While a guy with a girlfriend at home and a dick in his mouth is going to be perceived to be at least bisexual by most comers, there are guys who aren't into men—not at all—but who love sucking dick. Many of them patronize trans women who do sex work because they want dick without dude.
But the fact your boyfriend doesn't like to see gay men being affectionate smacks less of, "Not gay or bi, not at all gay or bi, nothing to see here," and more of, "Internalized homophobia and other issues and possibly bi or maybe even gay." The sight of two men being appropriately affectionate in public wouldn't make him feel anything if there weren't some other underlying issue. So while I want to acknowledge the existence, the lived experience, and the validity of straight boys who like to suck cock but who are in no other way attracted to men, this detail—your boyfriend's discomfort around gay men—could be a sign that something else is going on with him.
As for the amount of joking he does... that doesn't have to mean he's gay or bi. It could just mean he's having a hard time wrapping his head around who he is and the jokes are his way of working through his own discomfort and/or self-loathing and/or cognitive dissonance. Just as his sexual orientation is a mystery to you, GLORY, it could be a mystery to him. So he jokes around about the dicks he likes to suck—which is better then beating up the guys whose dicks he's just sucked, which is traditionally how conflicted cocksuckers worked through their own discomfort and self-loathing.
4 . "And how can I personally protect myself from STIs?"
You can personally break up with your boyfriend. Oral is a less efficient mode of transmission for most STIs, GLORY, so he's less likely to contract an STI blowing some dude than if he were engaging in anal intercourse. But gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, etc., can all be transmitted orally. And while it's good "he gets tested after" visiting a glory hole, an after-the-fact STI check doesn't magically confer immunity on the person who gave (or got) the blowjob. By the time he realizes he's contracted something—by the time a test comes back positive—your boyfriend will very likely have passed whatever he contracted on to you.
5 . "I'm not sure how frequently he does this."
More frequently than he lets on. If he lied to you then about whether he was doing it, GLORY, then he's probably lying to you now about how often he does it.
6 . "I'm OK with him making his own decisions about his health, but I also want to protect myself."
I'm not okay with the way your boyfriend made decisions that may have already impacted your health without informing you in advance and getting your consent. It was a shitty, selfish thing to do and you have a right to be angry about it, GLORY, and you aren't obligated to put up with this shit just because he's exploring his sexuality or struggling with internalized homophobia/biphobia. Dumping him—freeing hi
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